The Missing Piece
by LittleGreenWoman
Summary: Commander Shepard is good at what she does, but she's nowhere near perfect. It's the story of a woman who's a complete novice when it comes to dealing with emotions of her own, and she happens to take a liking to the one person who's even worse at it. A slow FemshepxJoker friendship/romance with some mission coverage, angst, humor. M for language and whatever the future holds.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to make other stuff up.**

* * *

Two figures, a woman and a man, hurried along the dimly lit pavements of the Presidium. The man was leaning on the woman for support, and they were speaking in hushed voices— or so they thought—when the man halted and almost caused both of them to fall down.

"Wait!" he demanded. "Wait! Where's my cap?"

"Your cap? This is what you're worried about right now?"

"It's my lucky cap! Have you seen it or not?"

"Your lucky—never mind, you really don't see it? It's closer than you think!"

"Come on commander, where is it?"

"Wow Joker, you _are_ drunk!" shrieked Shepard and laughed. She was wearing a navy blue cap, backwards. "Come on, we have to get out of here before someone sees us!"

"Why? Aren't you a damn spectre? What are they gonna do, fine you?"

"Well, I would love to preserve my public image, if that's all right with you. I get enough disapproving looks as it is."

"Ok, I see your point, but will you please be gentler? You're dragging me! Ow! Ha! There's my cap!"

* * *

 **-Earlier on the Normandy-**

Shepard paced up and down in her cabin.

"Idiots!" she growled. "Damn you Udina, you shortsighted son of a bitch!"

Liara stood close to the door, not exactly sure what to do or say.

"We will find a way Shepard," she managed. "Every one of us is behind you, you know that."

"I know… I know," murmured Shepard and sat down. She picked up a glass from the coffee table and turned it around in her hand.

"If Udina thinks kissing the council's collective asses will get him closer to being a proud owner of one himself, he's in for a bitter disappointment."

Liara took a step forward, encouraged by Shepard's seemingly calmer mood. Shepard lifted her head and looked at her worried face.

"I understand the risk Liara," she assured her. "But I also know stopping the shitstorm we're about to face is worth that risk. The Council doesn't take this threat seriously. Or they simply don't believe it exists."

She fixed her eyes on the glass as her hold around it tightened. "And you know what, I wouldn't even care. But they grounded us," she said through gritted teeth. "They grounded us! What are they thinking, that we want to go through the Mu relay just for the heck of it? That we feel like risking our lives based on an illusion, a misguided belief?" She sprang to her feet and threw the glass against the bulkhead. It shattered into pieces.

Liara gasped and drew back, but regained her composure in a matter of seconds.

"They won't believe it until they see it Shepard," she said. "They choose to deal with what they know."

Shepard nodded in agreement and slumped back into the chair.

"I'm sorry," added Liara, apologizing on behalf of the council. "They should be better than this."

"Not your fault," Shepard muttered as she looked away and massaged the back of her neck. This wasn't the first time the asari's serenity made her feel like an impatient child.

"I'll try to get some rest and collect my thoughts Liara. For the sake of the remaining glasses, if nothing else." She forced a smile.

"I'll stay on the Normandy, Shepard. Let me know if you need me."

After Liara left, Shepard threw herself on the bed and stared at the overhead.

 _Screw them._

She didn't need the Council's support, but she needed the Normandy's stealth. So she had to either find another stealth frigate or a way to remove the lockdown; both of which seemed equally improbable at the moment.

She tossed and turned for about an hour as she struggled to relax but Udina's face kept popping in her mind.

 _'You're becoming more trouble than you're worth,'_ he had said. _'You've done your job, now let me do mine.'_

 _Bastard. Fucking idiot, son of a bitch. Politician._

She imagined how good it would feel to punch him with her bare hands. Make him bleed.

 _I didn't sacrifice one of my own just to be stonewalled by bureaucracy._

Her fingertips tingled as she kicked the crap out of Udina in her mind, and it gave her some satisfaction but her rage wasn't sated.

She sat up in bed and clutched her dog tags, taking deep breaths to calm down; which would work if her anger wasn't fueled by fear and desperation.

If what Sovereign had told her was true, this was only the beginning.

She shivered as she recalled its emotionless voice _informing_ them about their impending doom, combined with the sheer terror she witnessed in her visions.

She closed her eyes to listen to Normandy's hum, but a loud knocking sound startled her.

She went to the door and touched a button.

"Is someone there?" she asked, puzzled. Who in the verse would knock instead of using the comm?

On the other side of the door, Joker shifted uncomfortably.

"It's Joker, commander…"

 _Joker?_

Shepard couldn't remember ever seeing the pilot anywhere other than the cockpit. She opened the door with a questioning look on her face.

"Come on in."

Joker limped in, staring at the vibrant chaos on her head. The commander's wavy ginger hair was all over the place and she had dark circles under her gray eyes.

"You look like hell," he stated.

"Uh, thanks? What can I help you with Joker?"

"I heard," he began, observing his surroundings, "that you're having quite a pity party and thought I should stop by. You should have invited me commander, we would be wallowing in self-hatred right about now."

He picked up a bottle of gun lube from the desk by the door and smelled it.

Shepard rolled her eyes and grabbed it from his hand. "Oh for the love of… Why are you here Moreau?"

"Ah, the wave of hospitality sweeps over me, bringing tears to my eyes…" started Joker, but decided that it would be wise to get to the point when he saw Shepard's expression and spotted the broken glass on the floor. He settled down on the chair she motioned him to and cleared his throat.

"I contacted Captain Anderson to ask if there was anything I could do… He said that he was considering some options. He didn't say it directly but I believe he's trying to find a way to help us."

"We need a solution now!" Shepard burst out. "We don't have the luxury to wait around!"

She turned her back to him and rubbed her temples. "None of you have seen what I've seen," she said, almost in a whisper.

Joker gulped, his eyes widened. He knew more or less what the commander was about by now; a determined and capable woman with a bit of a temper. He was used to seeing anger in her eyes; though thankfully she never lacked enemies to direct it at; but he hadn't seen her frightened before. He sat there, at a loss for words. The massive number of 'shut up Joker's he had heard throughout the years must have finally caught up with him. _What was I even thinking?_ he thought. _I should have sent Ashley._

His eyes shifted from the commander to the door.

To his relief, Shepard broke the silence.

"Anderson didn't tell _me_ anything," she said, sitting down. "What options? Why hasn't he contacted me?"

"I don't know, maybe because Udina and the Council are watching your every move like a bunch of Conrad Verners right now? And like I said, it was me who contacted him. He told me not to lose hope and asked me how you were holding up. I realized I had no idea how you were doing, so I asked around… and somehow Liara convinced me to check up on you. Now I'm beginning to think the asari might have some sort of close proximity mind control ability because I'm feeling very awkward, I have no idea why I'm here and I apparently can't shut my damn mouth." He took a deep breath.

"That's it?"

"That's it." Joker shrugged.

Shepard stayed silent for a moment, and then let out a desperate laugh.

"So we're doomed."

"Pretty much," he confirmed.

"Correct me if I'm wrong Joker, but you came here to make me feel better by giving me hope about some mysterious plan Anderson might or might not be working on, and now _you_ are agreeing with me on how we're all fucked." She shook her head, smiling. "Man, you are horrible at this."

"I know!" shrieked Joker. "There's a reason why you don't see me socialize commander."

"We have to stop Saren," said Shepard, her features serious again. "And we need the Normandy." She stood up and started pacing. "What the fuck is wrong with these people huh? They're treating me like some nutjob, like some… some doomsayer!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Joker and got up with the help of the coffee table. "You do know that you're not the only one pissed right now don't you? You're not the only one grounded commander. We are all feeling betrayed, we all want to go after Saren! I know you're feeling like a caged varren right now—sorry for the comparison—but at least there are other things that you can do! Even if Captain Anderson doesn't come up with something, you will find another way. You'll kick some ass, call in favors, I don't know. But you'll see this through!" He realized that he was raising his voice, but he couldn't help it. Her temper was contagious.

Shepard raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth, but Joker kept going.

"You may find this funny, but I feel trapped too. I live to fly Shepard, and the Normandy is the best thing that ever happened to me! I—"

He stopped, suddenly fully aware that he stood before his commanding officer. _Good one, Jeff_. _Bark at your commander. And by all means, do it at the worst possible time._

"I might have strayed from the subject a bit," he said, bracing himself for a reprimand.

Shepard put her hands on her hips, tilted her head slightly to one side and studied his face through narrowed eyes.

"Why would I find it funny?" she asked calmly.

"What?" said Joker, suspecting that he had missed something.

"I don't find it funny at all. I know what you can do, and we both know you're the best at it. And trust me, Alliance command wouldn't keep a pilot like you grounded for long. They're not that stupid."

"Yeah… Well… Yeah… Thanks…" mumbled Joker. He never was humble about his skills, but the moment she said 'you're the best' in that matter-of-fact tone, he had started feeling very uncomfortable in his own skin. He turned his eyes away from her gaze.

"We believe in you commander. You'll stop him. It's not over yet."

Shepard moved closer and patted his shoulder as Joker sagged with relief.

"You're right," she said, straightening up. "It's not."

The commander wasn't particularly good at letting people help her, but whenever one of her people needed encouragement, she forgot all of her problems and pulled herself together.

For her it was like an automatic response, and today Joker had turned out to be just what she needed. He might have been an insufferable arrogant jerk most of the time, but he had managed to lift her spirits. Besides, if _he_ hadn't sunk into a sarcastic pessimism, the situation couldn't be so grim.

She trusted Anderson and she knew he would be trying to help them anyway he could. On top of it, she had the support of her entire crew. Joker and Liara were right; her people were behind her. They would find a way together.

She nudged Joker very lightly in the ribs.

"So you called Anderson."

"I did."

"To see if you could help."

"I guess. Will you stop smirking? I was bored!"

"If you say so."

"Don't read too much into it commander, you'll be disappointed."

"Fine," she said, shrugging. "What is the gang up to, you have any idea?"

"Yeah, I was trying to come to that before I demonstrated my prowess in comforting people. Everyone is down in the shuttle bay getting pissed at the Council, trying to drink themselves to death and you know, looking for some guidance? You really should check it out, from what I've seen they are getting too drunk to try mixing new cocktails. Nothing good can come out of a ryncol and batarian whiskey mix. Though I wouldn't mind if Tali wanted to get friendlier with Liara… Just saying."

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"You know the word 'inappropriate', right?"

"Gah, you're no fun…"

"Coming from a jackass like you, I take it as a compliment. Did you say ryncol? We have that stuff on board?"

"Yup. Wrex's personal stash."

"This'll be interesting. Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's go!"

"What, together? No thanks, I had enough heart to heart for one day. My bones would turn to dust out of sheer anguish if I had to spend another minute in that drunken freak show."

"I'd never taken you for a xenophobic Joker," teased Shepard.

"I meant all of them! You know I hate everyone equally!"

"You are coming. I might need your babbling to cheer me up. And I'm pretty sure you don't hate me."

"I only let you think that because you scare the shit out of me."

"Ah, my pilot, ever the charmer…"

* * *

In the mess hall; where the crew had moved when the shuttle bay started getting too stuffy; Shepard leaned against the bulkhead near the table.

"Did we always have this much liquor on this ship?" she asked, her words slightly slurred. A silent preoccupation fell on the crew as they started looking at various directions to avoid her gaze.

"It's all right," she said, making a dismissive motion with her hand. "Unless of course I catch someone drinking while we're on duty." She smiled sweetly. She had half a bottle of single malt scotch in her cabin; it had cost a fortune and was among her most prized possessions; namely her M-98 widow, her omni-tool and, well, half a bottle of single malt scotch.

Tali giggled, at nothing in particular. "She saved my life you know," she said between her giggles.

"I know Tali, for the hundredth time, I was there."

"You think I'm drunk Vakarian?" screamed Tali as she poked Garrus in the chest. Garrus had to catch her wrist to prevent her from falling backwards.

"No Tali, you're a shining example of sobriety," he said, guiding her gently to a chair.

Joker's eyes were fixed on Wrex. The krogan washed down one weird colored liquid after another. Joker tried to estimate the kind of maneuvers that would save his life if Wrex broke into a cheerful headbutt towards his direction. He avoided this kind of gatherings for a reason. It only took one careless drunk to send him to the med bay, and that was the best case scenario. He wondered how Tali could let go like that. When your life depended on something so fragile, in her case an enviro-suit, not losing control was everything. But he guessed even her suit was sturdier than his bones.

He sighed as he looked at Shepard and she winked at him. He rolled his eyes at her but couldn't stop his lips from curling into a smile.

"I'm glad she's at least letting off some steam, as you call it," said Liara as she took a seat next to him. "I guess we have you to thank for it."

"Don't even get me started on that, you blue sorcerer! I still don't know how you talked me into doing it."

Liara smiled. "You only needed a little push," she said. "You _wanted_ to check up on her."

"What?" exclaimed Joker. "No I didn't! I don't go checking up on people!" He was beginning to suspect that the asari might be a little tipsy.

"It's all right; she likes you too." Her deep blue eyes softened. "She's different around you."

"That's because I annoy her Liara," he said, emphasizing each word as if explaining something to a child. "You clearly aren't an expert on human relationships."

"I'm afraid I am not an expert on any relationship," Liara replied in a sad, dreamy voice.

They fell silent and watched Ashley talk Shepard's ear off about something.

"I'm sorry about your mother," said Joker.

"Thank you Jeff."

 _"You know what would be fun?"_ they heard Shepard yell excitedly.

"Oh boy," groaned Joker.

* * *

"You're not gonna do it!"

"Try me!"

"Who would have imagined you being the crazy one Ash!" yelled Shepard, trying to stay steady.

Garrus looked like he was petrified. He stared at the women standing on the edge of the Citadel pool and managed only to shake his head. He was the only one among them who could still stand up straight, but he was having trouble remembering how to speak.

Joker sat on the stairs as Ashley and Shepard climbed over the glass fence. He took his hat off and rubbed his forehead, hoping somehow it would help with the dizziness. After his little talk with Liara, he had done some shots of something he wasn't quite familiar with, and he had started to fear for his life after he saw Shepard gulping down a shot of ryncol. Still, he could not have missed this, so he hadn't protested much to be dragged all the way here.

"Come on Garrus!" Shepard shouted. "I saw you take down a krogan warlord! Are you really afraid of a little water?"

Garrus was really afraid of a little water. His muscles tensed at the thought as he found his words and yelled back.

"You can kill a krogan warlord with enough bullets Shepard! I'll stay right here, nice and dry, thank you."

Ashley kicked off her boots, plopped down on the grass and dipped her feet into the pool.

Shepard stood next to her, staring at the water. _Evil machines want to put an end to life as we know it. People in power won't listen. What should I do? Get drunk and jump into a pool of course, what else?_

She bent down to take her boots off, an unfortunate move that made her realize she'd underestimated the effects of ryncol. Her head was suddenly a massive lump of rock which she had no control over and as she tried to lift it back up, her knees bent and her arms flailed in a desperate attempt to maintain balance.

Ashley was oblivious to this hopeless choreography while Joker and Garrus followed it like they were hypnotized.

When Shepard was finally face to face with her own wide-eyed reflection in the water, she had to laugh; right before she fell face-first into the pool.

Garrus' mandibles twitched. Joker froze.

"Holy shit skipper, you ok?" asked Ashley, trying to suppress her laughter.

"I'm all right, I'm all right…" Shepard stood in the pool. "Please, do laugh," she said bitterly and added, "And hope that I won't remember this in the morning."

Ashley was pretending to tie her boots to hide her face, Garrus nearly fell down laughing and Joker had tears in his eyes.

"Best shore leave ever!" he shouted.

"Someone's coming!" yelled Garrus, still shaking with laughter.

"Shit shit shit!"

Shepard got out of the pool, dripping all over. "Garrus, Ash, you go on ahead," she said and giggled. "The lesser the better if we get caught!"

 _Drunk and soaking wet in the middle of the Presidium, the first human spectre, captain of the Normandy, the survivor of Akuze: Commander Riley Shepard._ _By Khalisah al Whatsherface._

She jumped through the fence, picked up Joker's hat from the ground and wore it.

"Come on!" she said as she helped him and hauled him up the stairs. "We gotta move!"

Joker was trying to hasten his pace when he felt the breeze through his hair and stopped abruptly.

"Wait! Wait! Where's my cap?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to let my brain vomit the products of my weird imagination.**

* * *

"Not cool Commander. Not cool at all," said Joker, giving Shepard a dirty look as they slowly went down the stairs to the crew deck.

"Look, I said I'm sorry Joker," she said, trying not to grin.

"I can't believe you'd do that to me! Is that what we should expect from the first human spectre? Run and hide?"

"Well, the C-Sec officer ignored you didn't he? And man, you looked so damn suspicious." Shepard giggled at the thought. "I think I'll have to have a word with his superior. Though technically you weren't doing anything wrong besides looking like a volus on creeper."

"Oh ha-ha, very funny. Why the hell did _you_ hide then?"

Shepard burst out laughing. "I have no idea! That pink stuff goes straight to your head when you mix it with the blue one!"

Joker curled his lips inward and furrowed his brow as the surreality of the moment hit him. This was Commander Shepard giggling like a mischievous teenager. He looked at her with amused confusion which turned into a slight panic as his subconscious mind predicted where his train of thought was taking him.

"Anyway," he said, "You're not turning this around on me. You. Fell. Into. The Citadel pool."

"Shit. That really happened." She shrugged. "Ah well. We all needed to relax before we went after Saren."

"So we _are_ going after Saren."

"Of course we are. We'll find a way. Never doubted it myself."

Joker gave out a snort as Shepard continued, "Besides, if all else fails, we can go out there and scream 'we're all gonna die!' together. That was your original plan wasn't it?"

They stopped at Shepard's door and Joker leaned against the bulkhead.

"Next time you're having a crisis commander, don't come crawling to me to pick you up. Such ingratitude. Oh, by the way, I never washed that hat."

"First of all, I wasn't having a crisis. Second, I'm a soldier Joker, you think you can repulse me with an unwashed hat?"

"Well, you don't know where it's been."

"Ok, now it's a little bit disturbing," she said, taking off the cap. She gave it back to him and smiled. Part of his black hair was stuck on his forehead while another part stuck up like the quills of a porcupine. Strangely, it suited him, complementing his impish demeanor. And without the brim of his hat shading his face, Shepard could see his lashes casting soft shadows on his clear green eyes.

"Um, commander?" said Joker, trying to read her expression. "Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, you're going to throw up aren't you? Please don't throw up?"

Joker's plea brought Shepard back to her senses. She shook herself and muttered, "And it's gone."

"What's gone?" asked Joker, but before he could inquire any further, he realized where they were standing.

"Shit! When did we get here?" he said, desperately looking around. He had been too tipsy and too busy complaining to notice that they had been walking towards this direction.

"Don't worry; I can help you to the crew quarters if you're still dizzy?"

"No, it's the stairs… I'll have to go all the way back up."

"You sleep in the cockpit Joker?"

"Not always, but it's more spacious. I like spacious." He smiled at the sound of the word. "And they'll make us leave the Normandy soon so I kinda _want_ to be in the cockpit." He sighed as his smile disappeared and his shoulders slumped.

Shepard gave him a sympathetic look and put her hand on his arm, but drew back like it was on fire when she caught herself stroking it. She took a step backwards and patted some imaginary dust off her wet clothes.

"Now isn't that sweet," she said after a few seconds, grinning. "Jeff Moreau has a sentimental heart! Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

He gave her a look. "Really commander? You are making fun of me after what _I_ 've witnessed?"

"All right," said Shepard, admitting defeat. "Come in for a minute, let me put on something dry and I'll help you to the cockpit. I know you can go by yourself but let's not risk it, ok?"

"Shepard, are you sure it won't be riskier for me if you helped? Your balance is still a bit off."

"Hey, I managed to get you this far didn't I?"

"If this is a trick to get me into your quarters commander, you could have just asked…"

Shepard crossed her arms and quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"So I could let you down easy." Joker smirked and put his cap back on. It was damp and it smelled different.

"Yes Joker, I arranged the lockdown to lure you into my quarters. You caught me," she said but to her surprise, the 'letting down easy' part stung a little.

She opened the door and they entered the cabin.

"It's nothing personal commander," said Joker as he sank into a chair, his voice oozing smugness. "It's not just you. I don't date the crew."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "It's cute that you say it to your commanding officer like it's a choice. But let's put the regs aside for a minute, I'm not going to pretend _everyone_ follows them. And as heartbroken and devastated as I am Joker, I always thought it was the _crew_ not dating _you_. Although who wouldn't want constant snark in a relationship, I can't imagine," she said with a touch of unintended hostility. _Come on Riley. Why are you letting him get under your skin?_

Joker looked away while she changed and leaned back with a smile he couldn't get rid of. Was the commander bothered by what he'd said? _Yeah, dream on buddy._

"Snarking about my snarkiness huh? I was wrong Shepard, you are fun! I mean when you're not all bloodied and have that murderous glint in your eye."

"All right, let's get you to the cockpit," said Shepard, ignoring him. She was in her tank top and fatigues and she'd put her hair up in a weird looking bun.

Joker looked up and his smile widened. He liked that she never seemed to care how her hair looked. He imagined it to be some sort of rebellion on her part, an indication of not being all tamed by the Alliance military.

He put his arm around her shoulder and she supported him by the waist, like they'd done a bunch of times that night.

But this time the warmth of her skin made Joker's own skin warmer. He shot her a glance. A few stray strands of her copper hair had escaped her crooked bun and were across her eyes. He sighed and inhaled the aroma of alcohol mixed with something fresh and sweet. He looked down, but not before he saw her biting her lower lip. The flushed lip slowly escaped the grip of her teeth, glistening with moisture. He gulped. _Oh no, no no no no no, don't even think about it,_ he told himself. _Mixing medication with alcohol, that's what's been putting these blasphemous ideas in your head._

But he wasn't the only one feeling weird about all the usual touching. When Joker was putting his arm around her shoulder, his hand had brushed against Shepard's neck, causing a bizarre flip in her stomach. Now she was too aware how close their bodies were and she was pretty sure that her goose bumps had nothing to do with the ship's air conditioning.

 _Damn. An hour ago if he'd accidentally put his hand on my ass I wouldn't even have noticed. Note to self: no more drinking with Joker._

They climbed the stairs without a word and continued to walk in an awkward silence until they reached the cockpit, at which point they both exhaled with relief.

"Ok then," said Shepard in a faraway voice. "See you later Joker."

"See you commander," was all that he could manage before Shepard disappeared into the CIC in a flash.

* * *

Back in her cabin, Shepard lay on her bed, her eyes wide open.

 _-Am I still drunk? It's Joker, for fuck's sake._

 _-So? He's cute._

 _-Well, yeah but—_

 _-Smart, fun to be around… And the way he maneuvers the ship is—_

 _-He's my pilot! He's under my command!_

 _-Hey, why are you yelling at me?_

She turned to her side and exhaled.

 _Oh great. I'm losing my mind._

It wasn't like Shepard had unrequited feelings for her pilot prior to this particular night. She hadn't known him that long, or that well for that matter.

She hadn't even heard about Joker's disease before Anderson stepped down for her to assume command; their interactions had been brief until then.

From Shepard's perspective, Joker was more like a part of the ship—an annoying, cocky part— than a part of the crew and the best pilot she'd ever seen; a fact he knew a little too well.

He was a hard man to get to know, always hiding behind some joke or the other. And as much as Shepard liked to learn about her crew, she didn't need a detailed biography. The man talked too much, said too little and offended a lot of people in the process; but he followed orders, and that was enough.

On the other hand, despite his defensive nature he was smart and entertaining. The opinions he so bluntly voiced reflected Shepard's own thoughts most of the time; but she had to filter them for the sake of political correctness. In that respect, Joker served as an alter-ego for her.

Shepard had liked him well enough, but it had been a superficial fondness at best until recently.

Kaidan's death on Virmire had shaken them all; and in their time of grief Shepard had seen a different Joker, one who was compassionate and empathetic. His unexpected display of emotion had caused her respect for him as a pilot to grow into respect for him as a person.

Now she was scared that it would grow into something else.

Shepard preferred to keep her work and private life apart, which would be a bit of a challenge for someone else, considering she served and lived on the Normandy.

Apart from the shore leave flings, her romantic life was non-existent but she liked it that way. She'd seen too many relationships crushed under the demands of military life.

And while she liked the company of others she considered most to be temporary. People left, people died and posts changed.

It was easy being a loner when she didn't have the time to get to know people. Then again, she hadn't met anyone whom she was attracted to, had the opportunity to get to know _and_ liked before.

Tonight, Joker had provoked a peculiar sort of anger in her, the sort that made her want to rip his clothes off. Unfortunately for Shepard, this meant that he fit the bill.

She took a deep breath, rubbed her forehead and stared into nothing for a while. Then she closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

 _One word, Shepard: Fraternization._

* * *

Joker slouched in his chair in the cockpit, trying to drift his thoughts towards their mission, the Normandy, the Council, Asari porn; towards anything but Commander Shepard's bare shoulders under the pale light. Or the way she pursed her lips when she was thinking. Or the way she smelled.

 _Oh, shit._ _I'm in trouble._

What in the universe had made him aware that his commander was a beautiful woman, Joker didn't know. Ok, he'd thought she was hot the first time he'd seen her, but her being the commander had sort of negated that. She was hot, but like a character from a movie. There was the image that was Commander Shepard, way out of his league and his reach, and then there was his commander; the person from whom he took his orders. Those had been two separate entities in his mind, but tonight he'd seen them come together and form the woman who was both. She was a real person underneath the image and the title, an intelligent one with a good sense of humor who laughed and drank and doubted and got scared like the rest of them.

She was flawed, and that made her something more.

And that was a problem for Joker, because he didn't know how to turn off the affection after it happened.

His style was avoidance. He had always done his best to distance himself from the people he felt an emotional connection to. Anything more than a skin deep attraction seemed to follow the same routine; a courageous beginning and the eventual guilt-filled, cowardly ending. He knew every step of this tired road and he could recognize the agonized look that marked the beginning of the end from a hundred miles. He didn't need to learn once again.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head as he realized the pointlessness of his conflict.

 _We're serving on the same ship. She is the commanding officer. She can probably break your bones just by looking at you. Oh, and she's not even interested in you, let's not skip that part._

But the way she reacted to his joke about dating and the awkward walk to the cockpit suggested otherwise.

 _She was awkward because you were awkward you idiot,_ resisted his inner voice. Maybe it was right. Maybe he was misinterpreting; he was out of practice after all.

He took his cap off and tousled his hair with both hands. All this debate in his head was starting to make it hurt, and the lingering scent wasn't helping.

Joker didn't like complications in his personal life. His whole life had been a colorful bundle of them, so if he could see any more of it coming his way, he put up defenses and waited until the storm was over.

And this was nothing but complication in Shepard's clothing. It needed to go away.

 _Do what you do best,_ he thought. _Turn this into a joke and save yourself the humiliation._

* * *

The next morning, Tali's shriek and laughter echoed in the mess hall.

"My head hurts," groaned Ashley. "So can you please freak out in a lower pitch? Thank you."

"Sorry," said Tali and chuckled. "I just can't believe I missed that!"

"Drink less next time," said Garrus, laughing. His eyes were brighter and bluer than usual.

 _Must be the turian equivalent of bloodshot eyes,_ thought Ashley. If two months ago someone had told her that she'd be playing drinking games with a turian in near future, she'd have insisted for a brain scan. She was no fan of aliens and that wasn't about to change soon; but _these_ aliens, they weren't so bad.

"Then what happened?" asked Liara.

"You had to be there. I heard someone coming—"

"I think you better shut up," Joker interrupted. "Because I'm almost certain that the commander is planning to take you and Ashley for the next one and make it look like a mission gone wrong. Don't say I didn't warn you." He grinned and added, "Is that what you people do between missions? Sit around and gossip?"

"We occasionally talk about how smooth the ride is."

"Did you just attempt to make a joke Liara? Oh that's adorable."

"And that's why we hate you Joker," said Ashley.

"Good, now I don't feel so bad about telling Wrex that you think having four… Er, lungs, is sexy."

"Goddess." Liara blushed.

"I'm going to kill you Joker!" yelled Ashley and groaned in pain.

"I'll be in the cockpit. Come by when you can stand up straight," he taunted her as he got up.

He was heading for the stairs when he smelled something like oranges mixed with a light floral scent.

He felt his heart beat faster. _Great. Is this going to become a thing now?_

"Hey Joker."

"Hey commander. Didn't see you sneaking up on me there."

"What I do best. Did I just hear Ashley threatening to kill you? What did you do this time?"

"You hurt my feelings commander. Assuming I'm guilty before having all the facts?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh."

"The woman just wouldn't take no for an answer! I told her that you and I had a thing, so she and I could never happen and she went berserk!"

Shepard's face went blank.

"You…" she spoke very slowly, "…did what?"

Joker stared at her in disbelief, and then started laughing.

"Geez commander, when did you become such an easy mark? It's a joke, you know that thing I do which annoys you so much? Well, at least you don't think Ashley hitting on me is impossible, I take comfort in that."

Shepard gave out a sigh of relief.

"I'm going to kill you Joker."

"If I had a credit chit…" he muttered as he cautiously climbed the stairs with the help of his leg braces.

Shepard turned around and walked towards the mess, feeling guilty for not offering help; but she decided that it would be best to keep her distance.

At the mess table, the present crew's voices dropped with each step Shepard took in their direction until there was nothing but the deafening silence of their unblurted laughter.

Shepard gave them a tired look and sighed.

"Yes, I have fallen into the damn pool," she said, giving Garrus and Ashley the stink-eye. "It'll get real old soon, so have fun while it lasts."

"Sure it will," agreed Garrus. Ashley and Liara nodded.

"Tali, I know you're dying in there. You might as well let it out."

There was a sound of wheezing. Shepard shook her head.

"Where's Wrex?"

"Sleeping," answered Garrus. "I thought he was dead right until he roared and scared the shit out of your requisitions guy."

"How are you feeling Shepard?" asked Liara after she wiped a single tear from her eye.

"I'm good," she said. "We'll be on our way to Ilos soon."

The amusement vanished from Garrus, Tali and Liara's faces as they exchanged puzzled looks.

"How?" asked Ashley.

"I don't know yet, but I'll find a way," replied Shepard, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt. _No big deal, I'll just go assassinate Udina and the Council members._

She could see the question marks on their faces, but no question materialized.

 _Come on Anderson. Don't hang me out to dry._

Garrus stood up. "In that case, I'll go see if anyone needs my help down in the engineering," he said. "It won't hurt to check the Mako one more time."

Shepard flashed him a grateful smile. "Good idea. Come on everyone, lighten up! Go back to your duties; this isn't the time to mope. I need all of you at your best when we face that bastard."

"Aye aye skipper."

"Understood, Shepard."

"As you wish commander."

"And someone please tell Wrex that there'll be some action soon," she called after them as they left. "His aura of impatience is about to acquire a body of its own."

She watched them go, and the moment she was alone she gave out a loud sigh to unburden herself of her own doubts.

Shepard made fun of Wrex's lack of patience, but it wasn't one of her strongest suits either. She started wandering aimlessly in the commons; the uneasiness of the unfinished business eating at her.

When she found herself checking her locker for the fourth time; she sat down on the ground, feeling defeated.

 _I should go out there and try to do something,_ she thought. _Find some pirate ship and take my chances without stealth. Possibly die in a matter of seconds, or cause a war if captured. Still no worse than what will happen if Saren succeeds._

She was all but convinced to go through with it when Joker's voice came through the comm.

"Commander, I've got a message from Captain Anderson."

 _How the hell does he know where I am?_

"Are you spying on me Joker?"

"No ma'am. Just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The captain said to meet him at Flux. That club down in the Wards."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Finally," she said as she stood up straight and walked towards the stairs.

* * *

The crew smiled, nodded approvingly or saluted as Shepard made her way to the cockpit. If any of them had doubts, they didn't let it show. They had just stolen the Normandy right under the Council and the Alliance's noses, and everyone on board knew that the offense was enough to be court-martialed. Yet they were more proud than nervous, which made Shepard proud in return. Pressly almost patted her on the back saying he was loving this.

When she reached the cockpit, Joker was complaining about the Council not sending any ships after them; but he looked like he was about to burst with joy. It hadn't been long since they'd been grounded, but to him, it had felt like forever.

His fingers danced on the controls, making it hard for Shepard to tell where the console ended and his hands began.

"Ah, it warms my heart to see that everyone is so eager to embark upon a life of crime. I've been a good influence," she said. "Now we go and get Saren. I've been waiting for this since Virmire." She gritted her teeth.

"To Ilos Joker. It's time we finished this."

"Aye aye commander."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because sometimes I like to play the puppeteer.**

* * *

Shepard sat down in the patient lounge of the Citadel hospital. She looked around, her hands formed into fists in her lap.

The elevator doors opened and closed ceaselessly to bring new patients in as the stinging smell of burnt flesh, blood and medigel filled the room.

Screams, cries and whispered prayers were combined with the irregular beeping of the monitors, creating a dissonant music which added weight to her already heavy heart.

Most of the casualties and the injured were human, and she was the one who sealed their fate when she'd decided to save the Council.

But people would thank her. They would celebrate. They would call her a hero when all she did was her job.

 _This'd better be worth it,_ she thought.

She was anxious to hop on the Normandy and fly away for some new assignment and she really didn't feel like meeting with the Council for any sort of ceremony, but this was the best time to push them for taking serious action against the reaper threat.

She kept sitting there pondering, and she was so lost in thought she didn't notice Joker when he came by and stood in front of her.

"Hey commander," Joker greeted her cheerfully. "I see you couldn't escape Dr. Chakwas either."

"Joker!" she exclaimed, not bothering to conceal her gladness. She hadn't had the chance to talk to him since the attack. "Glad to see you're ok."

"Yeah, Sovereign didn't fall on _my_ head. How are you feeling? I hear that you gave Liara and Garrus quite the scare," he said, sitting next to her.

"I'm fine. Mild concussion and flesh wounds. The vanguard of our destruction wasn't so tough after all." She smiled. The chaos around her seemed to be calming down.

"They say you did _good_ out there," she teased.

"You can't piss me off Shepard, I know I was incredible," he said laughing. "I kicked ass! It was the Normandy that brought the s.o.b. down! Oh…"

Shepard's eyes grew larger. " _That was you_? You dropped the damn reaper on me!"

"It was sitting right on top of the Citadel tower!" said Joker defensively and leaned back as he watched two medics wheel a patient into a room.

"You know, I hate it when I can't communicate with the ground team," he said, this time his eyes on a man who was testing his prosthetic arm.

Shepard grinned. "Is this your way of telling me you were worried about us Moreau? Am I witnessing emotional growth?"

He turned to face her with a smirk.

"That's wishful thinking right there commander," he said and gave her a gentle shoulder nudge. "So, where to next?"

"I don't know, I have to talk to the Council," she complained and nudged back, her arm pressing against his. "Something good has to come out of all this. Look at all these people…" Her voice trailed off as her eyes wandered around the room.

Joker reached for her hand but hesitated halfway. He settled on patting it clumsily.

"If it wasn't for you Shepard, Sovereign would have devoured all of them by now," he said with a mock-serious expression.

"If it weren't for _us,_ Joker. All of us," she corrected and gazed at her hand.

When she felt him staring, she lifted her head.

"What?" she asked softly.

"Nothing," he said, but the way he looked into her eyes almost made Shepard blush.

 _How the fuck does he do it?_ she thought. She felt like she was in one of those dreams where she was all of a sudden naked in public.

Quickly she stood up in a way she hoped wasn't too graceless. "You know they're setting up a makeshift club at the Wards to celebrate, right?" she asked. Joker nodded.

"Apparently the crew will be gathering down there tonight. I'll see you there?"

"I don't know commander. It took me days to pull myself together after seeing Pressly trying to flirt with Dr. Chakwas the last time alcohol was involved."

"Yeah, that was a disturbing sight," agreed Shepard. "Anyway, I have to go. See you later Joker," she said, but her feet wasn't complying with her decision to leave.

"Don't let the Council stall you too long Shepard. I can't get any sleep if I don't hear you yell 'get us out of here Joker' twice a day," said Joker with a feeble smile on his face, tapping his fingers on the armrest.

Shepard forced two steps towards the exit, but then she stopped and turned around.

"I hate it too when I lose communications with the Normandy. There's something oddly comforting about hearing your frantic voice when I'm on the ground," she said, flashed him a grin and walked away.

* * *

It was getting dark in the Presidium.

Shepard passed by the malfunctioning Avina after she left the embassies and strolled around for a while.

The keepers seemed unaffected by the events that transpired recently, they were as impassive as they'd ever been while they worked on the repairs.

She put her hands in her pockets and smiled to herself. Putting Anderson on the Council hadn't been a choice made out of spite, but it had still felt good to see Udina's face turn a vivacious purple.

What amused her further were the reactions of her alien squad members. They were happy and proud as if they were humans themselves, putting yet another dent in her cynicism.

She kept walking until she found an intact bench. She sat down and inhaled the recycled air as the artificial night fully set in.

Never in a million years would she have imagined that she'd miss Earth. Most of her memories of the home world were tainted by cold, hunger and fear. Every recollection of her childhood seemed to replay in a similar mise-en-scene; one that is dirty and gray, full of people yet lifeless.

But she remembered one crisp, sunny day on Earth when she sat by the river, laughing without a care in the world as the smell of trampled grass and soil surrounded her; and her heart ached with longing.

She got up from the bench and called a cab from the rapid transit terminal. She needed to get to her hotel, shake off her nostalgia and get ready for the night.

* * *

When Shepard arrived at the club, she was surprised to see how packed it was. Even the entrance was swamped by people who were talking and laughing loudly while they danced to the thumping bass, making the place practically an embodiment of a manic episode.

Shepard pushed her way through the crowd to reach Tali, who was at the door, waving.

"Shepard!" she shouted and gave her a tight hug.

"Good to see you too Tali," said Shepard, laughing. "Near death experience really got to these people huh?"

"Wait until you see the inside. Rita arranged a space for us upstairs. There's even a small bar!"

"Then let's not keep the bartender waiting."

The lounge wasn't any less chaotic than the rest of the club, but at least the frenzied faces were familiar.

After some mingling, Shepard took a seat at the table which was occupied by Garrus, Liara and Tali.

" _Councilor_ Anderson couldn't make it?" asked Garrus.

"I'd say his clubbing days are over," Shepard replied. "He's probably making a voodoo doll of me right now."

"A what?" asked Tali, taking her eyes briefly off the dancers downstairs.

Shepard thought about it for a minute. _A magic rag doll you make in the resemblance of someone to torture them?_

"I meant he probably hates me," she summarized as her eyes searched the room. "Have you guys seen Ashley? Or Joker?"

"I've seen Ashley at the entrance half an hour before you arrived," answered Liara.

Shepard nodded and tapped Tali on the arm. "Everything ok?"

The distracted quarian reluctantly returned her focus back to Shepard. "Sorry," she replied. "After all we've been through; you must think it's stupid to get nervous about presenting my pilgrimage gift."

"I don't. I know how important it is for you."

"But I'll be gone soon and…"

"Tali," interrupted Shepard. "We'll be seeing a lot of each other when you get back. We'll grow sick of each other in no time." She paused to give Garrus a dirty look, who was nodding in agreement a bit too vigorously. She turned back to Tali and pointed to the dancing people.

"Why don't you go and show 'em how it's done? It'll get your mind off things."

Tali's dark purple visor wasn't enough to hide the sparkle in her eyes when she smiled. She stood up.

"Maybe I should," she agreed.

"You know you want to."

"I don't think I've ever seen any of you dance," remarked Tali suggestively and pranced her way downstairs.

"Pray you never do," said Shepard and laughed as Garrus eyed her curiously.

"She's got spirit," Liara observed. "I'll miss her."

"She'll be back before we know it," Shepard replied. She lounged in her seat and spread her arms on the back of the chairs around her.

"So Ash is around here somewhere," she said. "How about J—"

"Yes, but I think she's still bitter about you not taking her to Ilos." Liara sighed. "Oh, Ilos…"

"Here we go again," said Garrus, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry you didn't have the chance to study every inch of those ruins Liara. But hey, look on the bright side! We're still alive."

Liara chuckled. "I know," she said. "But it's the _protheans_ Shepard. _The protheans!_ " she repeated wistfully.

"Yeah, I feel you," lied Shepard and patted Liara's shoulder as she spotted Wrex coming towards them with a bottle in his hand. "Well, Ash isn't the only unhappy one about not going to Ilos," she murmured.

"Wrex."

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

"Garrus."

"Hello Wrex."

"Liara."

Wrex sat down and slammed the bottle in the center of the table, causing Liara to startle as Garrus and Shepard exchanged concerned looks.

Wrex' facial expressions were always hard to read, but Shepard had learned to distinguish the nuance between angry and slightly less angry. This didn't look like either.

He poured a glass for each.

"When you convinced me to destroy the so-called cure on Virmire," he began, "I still had doubts about your intentions Shepard."

Shepard knitted her eyebrows and put her elbows on the table, listening intently as the krogan's voice took on a resolute quality.

"But you proved to me and everyone else that you're also willing to sacrifice what's valuable to you; more than once. You could have let the Council die. You could have used this as an opportunity to gain humanity more influence, more power over the galactic community. But you saw through the petty ambitions and did what you thought was best; for all races."

He raised his glass. "From this day forward, you have my trust and my friendship Shepard. I drink to you."

"To Commander Shepard," said Garrus, also raising his glass. He gave Liara a slight nudge, who looked astounded.

Wrex laughed. "Yes Liara, I have a brain. Try not to look so shocked."

The asari blushed and began to babble an apology but Wrex stopped her and handed her the drink.

"Let's just toast."

Liara gave him a bashful smile and turned to Shepard, her eyes glossy.

"To Commander Shepard."

Shepard picked up her glass. _Don't you dare shed a tear woman; you'd be the laughing stock for these guys forever._

"Then I drink to our friendship," she said, and emptied her glass.

First, her left eye twitched. Then the fire in her throat moved to her stomach, only to climb back up. She gulped before taking a deep breath and succumbed to the coughing fit.

Garrus handed his glass to Wrex. "Sometimes being dextro isn't so bad," he said.

"Liara, I wouldn't take offense if you didn't want to poison yourself on my behalf," Shepard said when she was able to breathe again. "That ain't brandy. I don't know what the hell it is." She wiped her eyes and looked at Wrex.

Liara quietly put her drink back on the table.

Wrex let out a laugh that shook the table. "Not as bad as ryncol, but you should avoid heights and the Citadel pool tonight Shepard, just in case."

"God!" exclaimed Shepard. "You weren't even there! What will it take to make you guys forget?"

"I was there," said Garrus, turning to Liara. "It was a beautiful sight."

Shepard chose to ignore him and looked at the bar, where Ashley was standing. She gave Wrex a slap on the back.

"I wish everyone could see things the way you do, buddy."

When she'd talked to Ashley earlier, it had been plain to see that she wasn't too happy about risking human lives to save a bunch of aliens who'd done nothing but stand in their way.

 _"Don't get me wrong skipper," she'd said. I'm not questioning your call—"_

 _"Only it's not the one you thought I'd make."_

 _Ashley had looked down, her lips pressed together._

 _"You see a bigger picture," she'd concluded. "I'm with you Shepard. I just hope they're worth it."_

 _"Yeah. Me too."_

Shepard stood up.

"Thanks for the drink Wrex. How else would I build up this insane tolerance to alien muck if it weren't for you?" She looked around. "I'll go mingle some more. So none of you have seen Joker yet right?"

"Not me," replied Wrex, pouring himself another drink.

"I haven't seen him either."

"I arrived earlier than others," said Liara. "I'd have seen him if he'd shown up."

"All right," she replied, trying not to look disappointed. She punched Garrus lightly in the arm.

"The dance floor awaits Vakarian."

"Get me some dextro liquor and we'll talk," he called after her as she walked toward the bar.

"Hi, Ash. You look nice," said Shepard after tapping Ashley on the shoulder and waiting for her to turn around.

"Skipper! You look…" Ashley stopped and looked her up and down. "Like you always do," she said and quickly added, "Which is nice."

"Good save chief." Shepard laughed and leaned back against the bar, facing the crowd. "I've yet to get an assignment," she began and looked at her, "but I'm glad you're staying."

Ashley gestured to the bartender, conveniently hiding her face as she replied. "I'm glad you're not dumping me off at the first chance."

Shepard shrugged. "I've looked, but I couldn't find another poetry-loving grunt."

"One who can make headshots from a hundred meters," Ashley reminded.

Shepard smiled. "That's more like it. You don't need me to tell you that you're a good soldier Williams. But you do need to pull your head out of your ass from time to time."

Ashley huffed through her nose. "I thought that was your job," she said. "You're damn good at it." She shifted her weight and glanced at Shepard. "Thank you, commander," she added softly, dropping the snark.

"Sure," mumbled Shepard, staring into Ashley's glass. "Hey, get me one of those will you?" she yelled to the bartender. She looked at Ashley. "Can't be worse than what Wrex made me drink," she said and waved at Wrex and Liara who were still at the table across the bar.

Ashley smiled and raised her glass as a friendly salute to them; and they did the same in return. She turned back to Shepard.

"By the way, Joker was looking for you. I saw him with Pressly downstairs just before I came here," she said.

"Yeah?" said Shepard and felt the corners of her mouth curling up. She cleared her throat.

"I'd better go check up on him. Maybe I can catch him before he starts upsetting people."

"Good luck with that," said Ashley, eliciting a grin from Shepard.

"See you Ash."

Shepard found her pilot by the bar on the first floor.

"Well, Jenny—"

"It's Jenna."

"Whatever, what do you know about ships anyway? Normandy saved the Destiny Ascension's ass. That monstrous bulk of a ship. They should just leave it on the ground and call it a city."

Jenna threw her hands up as Shepard sat on the bar stool next to Joker.

"And they keep telling me small talk with the customers is a good idea," she complained as she went on to tend to the opposite end of the bar.

"Spreading sunshine wherever you go huh?"

"She told me that Destiny—"

"Joker," Shepard stopped him. "I don't really want to know."

"Normandy is better and she's far more beautiful," Joker muttered under his breath.

Shepard rolled her eyes and smiled. "Done?"

He turned to look at her through narrowed eyes, but what seemed so important a minute ago suddenly didn't matter so much.

He smirked.

"So, commander… Did you always hate Captain Anderson? Because I think throwing a soldier among politicians is about the worst thing you could do to them. Just imagine yourself in his place."

Shepard shuddered. "He's really taking one for the team," she agreed.

"I bet he's on the extranet right now, looking for a training dummy that looks like you."

"Huh," exclaimed Shepard. "That actually makes more sense than a voodoo doll."

Joker stared at her. "I suppose it does?"

Shepard shook her head dismissively. "In any case, I couldn't have trusted Udina with this." She started grinning. "You should have seen the look on his face when I recommended Anderson Joker. It felt so good."

Joker gave her a knowing smile. "You still want to punch him though."

She considered this and confessed, "I do."

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't."

Shepard laughed as she put her elbows on the bar. He looked at her and smiled, pleased with himself for making her laugh.

She leaned forward and turned to him. "This is not so bad, is it?" she asked. "I mean I've already missed the Normandy, but I'm actually enjoying myself."

Joker leaned toward her too, reason momentarily escaping him as he gave into the illusion of being a regular guy, talking to a regular woman at a bar. "I could do without the noise," he said, adjusting his cap, "but the company is nice." _And I can't believe I just said that._

Shepard sighed as her smile vanished and tapped lightly on his cap. "You know, I think apart from a bunch of privates, we're the only ones here in Alliance issue casuals," she pointed out.

Joker straightened up and took off his cap, looking at the SR1 print. He let out a hollow laugh, put it back on and turned in his seat to look at the dance floor.

"I think they're trying to tell me something with all this swaying and flailing. 'Run for your life, Joker!' possibly," he said after a while and shot her a glance. He smiled when he saw her smile, and turned his head to see what she was looking at. He squinted.

"Is that Tali dancing?"

"Yep. She's been at it for quite a while."

They stared silently at Tali as a thin, tall figure appeared beside her and joined the crowd. Joker squinted again.

"Is that _Garrus_ dancing?"

Shepard started laughing.

"Oh yeah."

"I think this is really my cue to leave," said Joker. "If this place gets any more crazy and cramped, best case scenario, I'll die a quick and violent death."

"Ok, I'll ask. What is the worst case scenario?"

"They'll bite me and turn me into one of them, obviously."

"Obviously," deadpanned Shepard. "You held on bravely Joker. Need help getting out of here?"

"Nope," he said, pointing to his legs. "I upgraded." He brought up his omni tool and touched some buttons.

"They sort of move for me," he explained as his leg braces lit up blue at the joints. "They don't let me put any pressure on my legs. Still incredibly uncomfortable though."

Shepard stared. "Shouldn't there be something better?" she asked.

Joker shrugged. "Funding," he explained. "How many people do you think there are with Vrolijk's in this day and age? The problem isn't the lack of a cure or better tech; it's my existence." He stood up.

"Well, we all know there is something wrong with you, but I doubt it has anything to do with brittle bones," joked Shepard, biting back a well meant but patronizing comment at the last minute.

"All this sweet talk," Joker quipped, shaking his head. "Are you flirting with me Shepard?" he asked, regretted asking it instantly and stopped his hand on its way to a facepalm. But that was something he would ask when they were joking around, wasn't it? If he'd said something like that to Ashley it wouldn't have been weird, would it? Maybe it wasn't weird right now either. Maybe he was making it weird just by thinking about it this much. _I can't be the guy who flirts with the commander. I'm not that guy._

He coughed. "This is old tech really," he said, awkwardly changing the subject before she could say anything. "But the previous version had that stupid glitch that made you take one step backwards every 20 steps." He looked at her sheepish expression and grinned.

"I'm all out of jokes about that one." He started walking. "Good night, commander."

Shepard smiled. "Ok, off you go then. I'll see you on the Normandy."

"Oh, before I forget," said Joker, his face lighting up. "I had something delivered to your room. A small memento. Hope you'll like it."

"What?"

"See you commander."

* * *

Faint light was seeping through the windows when Shepard returned to her hotel room. She kicked her shoes off and threw herself on the bed.

As her head hit the pillow, the same question that'd been crawling in her mind whenever she wasn't adequately distracted surfaced once again.

 _'Are you flirting with me Shepard?'_

She turned to her side and put the extra pillow over her head.

 _Was I flirting with him?_

 _Fucking hell. I_ was _flirting with him._

She threw the pillow on the ground and lay on her back again, clasping her hands behind her head.

She needed to be careful and keep her recent interest in her pilot in check. She was his superior. It was _her_ responsibility to distance herself.

She thought of Akuze. After she'd spoken with Toombs, she knew for a fact that there was nothing she could have done to change the outcome. Yet she'd never completely gotten over the survivor's guilt. And Kaidan… That was another wound that would never heal. But those were part of the job. Fraternization on the other hand, led to conflicts; she had witnessed it before. She couldn't help liking some of her crew more than the others, but it was her duty not to let that affect her job. She'd liked Kaidan more than she liked Ashley, for instance. But to make hard or risky calls as a commander was one thing; to endanger her crew with decisions based on personal feelings was another. If she had gone back for Kaidan on Virmire because she liked him better; she could have lost both him and Ashley, along with the mission.

She pulled the blanket over her shoulders and turned around to get the control pad from the night stand. As she reached for it, she noticed the small gift wrapped package next to the pad.

She grabbed it and tore the wrapping off to reveal a small rectangular frame. She turned it on, and a wide smile spread across her face _. Jackass,_ she thought, looking at the holo of the Citadel pool.

 _Ah, damn it. This guy's going to be my undoing._


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to get them out of my head and put them somewhere else.**

* * *

"SHEPARD!"

 _That muffled scream… After that, she could hear nothing but her own heartbeat and heavy breathing. She thought by now her eyes would get accustomed to the darkness, but she still could not see anything._ Maybe there just isn't anything to see _, said a small, cruel voice inside her head. Her heart sank. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, but she had no voice, no tears; not anymore. Then she realized that she wasn't hearing her heartbeat or breathing. Everything started to fade away; her memories, her purpose, everything that she was; gone._

 _She simply was no more._

* * *

Joker sat alone in his room. The communication terminal kept flashing. "Five new messages," said a mechanical voice. It was probably Anderson again. _I shouldn't have come back here,_ he thought. _I should have stayed on the ship._ But with the Normandy gone, the Citadel was the only place left where he could feel close to what he had lost.

It had been 18 months since they'd held the memorial service for Commander Shepard. It had been hard on everybody, but _they_ weren't the reason she was dead. He'd tried nevertheless, to live, to help finish what she'd started; but they had succeeded in breaking his spirit. By ignoring her warnings, by being so damn indifferent about everything she had fought so hard for, by doing nothing but pretending none of it ever happened. No one would listen to them, so they had given up, one by one. Wrex had gone to Tuchanka, Tali had returned to the flotilla, Liara was on Ilium doing god knows what and Garrus had disappeared from the face of the galaxy. Normandy's surviving Alliance crew was reassigned to new posts. He too was reassigned three times before he was grounded, and the only thing that stood between him and a military discharge had been Councilor Anderson.

He'd wanted to fly. He felt suffocated on the ground, and he had tried to adapt to his new posts but flying alone wasn't enough anymore. He'd missed the Normandy, he'd missed having a purpose and he'd missed _her_. Even Ashley had moved on, but he… He hadn't been able to.

Not until Cerberus had contacted him two months ago.

They'd told him that they believed Commander Shepard's warnings and they were determined to do something about it. That they aimed to help the people the Alliance and the Council kept ignoring.

It hadn't been an easy decision, joining Cerberus. This was the organization which conducted horrible experiments on people, including Shepard's own unit. What would she think?

But Shepard was gone.

He'd have to do _something_ sooner or later, besides being miserable all the time. Maybe this way he could make a difference, honor her somehow; or at least pay his debt to the galaxy for getting their would-be savior killed.

He still had his doubts on a daily basis, but he was flying on his own terms with Cerberus; so that was something.

He had no idea how long it'd last or how badly it would end; for he was certain that it'd eventually end badly; but it would do for now.

Another thing he knew, he didn't want to face Anderson; not today. Today all he wanted was to remember, and to forget.

"Delete messages," he said as he opened up a new bottle.

* * *

Joker opened his eyes and looked around. He was lying on a bed, his head heavy and his vision blurry; but he was too familiar with the hospital smell to think that he was anywhere else.

"Congratulations," he heard someone say, "You've finally done it."

He squinted and confirmed that the blur standing over him was Dr. Chakwas.

He tried to straighten up but his ribs and his left arm hurt like hell. _Arm fractured, ribs bruised,_ he thought, assessing the damage. He distinctly remembered his drunken trip to the pool and falling from the stairs on his way down.

He let his head fall back to the pillow. "What are you doing here?" he asked, closing his eyes. "I thought you were staying on the ship."

"You didn't really give me a choice," Dr. Chakwas answered coldly. "You were unconscious when they brought you here."

She sat beside him. "What were you thinking Jeff?" she asked with genuine concern. "You were lucky you got away with fractures! How much of what did you drink? You could have died out there!"

"Yeah, that would be such a shame," he murmured, looking away. _I can't even mourn her properly._

"Don't talk like that," said Dr. Chakwas. "Get some rest."

"Yeah, ok," said Joker, turning his head to his side. He was annoyed at the thought of keeping himself safe for other people's sake.

"I'll see you on the ship," said the doctor and stood up. Joker remained silent as she walked to the door, and he heard her stop and sigh.

He glanced and saw that she was standing there, facing the door.

Dr. Chakwas turned her head over her shoulder, looking down. "I have some very important news for you," she said gravely. "But I need you on your feet first."

* * *

Back on the Cerberus cruiser, Joker made his way to the med-bay. He sat down in the chair in front of Dr. Chakwas' desk.

"All right, I'm here and I'm sitting down. What's this about?" he asked.

Dr. Chakwas sighed. Joker hadn't been the easiest person lately; not that he ever was; but he had transformed from grumpy to plain hurtful in the last couple of months.

Her hands trembled as she put them on the desk, and the look in her eyes made Joker nervous.

"What is it?" he asked again, this time a little worried.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about this earlier..."

"Just get to the point, _please_!" yelled Joker, his annoyance now shifting towards panic. He was convinced that something terrible had happened or was about to happen.

"It's Commander Shepard," said Dr. Chakwas.

Joker's shoulders sagged and he held his forearm, where he'd been feeling a sharp pain every time he heard her name since her death. He could deal with the pain, but the memory it brought was another story. ' _Watch the arm!' The last thing I actually said to her. Watch the arm._

His brows twitched as he shook his head. They must have found her at last.

"Where?" he demanded, thinking that he knew what would come next.

"She's alive, Jeff."

Joker gave Dr. Chakwas a blank look.

"No she isn't," he said automatically, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"She wasn't," said Dr. Chakwas, not knowing how to explain. She herself hadn't been able to wrap her head around the incredible achievement yet. "But she is now. Cerberus recovered her…" She stopped. 'Her body' or 'her remains' didn't sound right in her head. "They recovered _her_ ," she rephrased, "and they've been rebuilding her using cybernetic implants where necessary." She paused and looked him in the eye. "She isn't conscious and no one knows for certain if she's going to make it or not," she said with a momentary professional detachment.

Joker sat silent for a while, giving the information time to make sense.

"How long have you known about this?" he finally asked.

The doctor rubbed her forehead with both hands before she spoke.

"When Cerberus first contacted me, I told them that I wasn't interested. A week later they contacted me again. They had these recordings and progress charts…" her voice trailed off.

"Have you seen her?" asked Joker. His mind desperately tried to hold on to something it could make sense of. Seeing could be believing.

"I'm receiving regular updates on her progress, but no. I don't even know where they're keeping her."

"I want to see her."

* * *

Miranda Lawson had strongly objected to accepting visitors at Lazarus Research Station, but the Illusive man had insisted. As a man with the resources and persistence that could bring a person back from the dead, he didn't need to explain his actions, but he had nevertheless.

"Shepard will need people she can trust when she wakes up Miss Lawson. We want them to stick around. I know you have other ideas to keep her committed, but I could have found a capable soldier to do everything as I say anywhere. What humanity needs is more than just muscle." He took a drag on his cigarette.

"I trust you'll make the necessary arrangements."

* * *

Joker didn't know what he'd expected, but this most certainly wasn't it.

All he could see behind the glass was a human body with red lit cracks throughout its skin's surface, hooked up to a bunch of machines and tubes. He couldn't even tell if this was Shepard or not.

"It is her," said Dr. Chakwas quietly, as if she'd read his mind. "I have her files. I've compared the DNA from a tissue sample."

Joker didn't take his eyes off the figure.

"It _is_ her, Jeff," Dr. Chakwas repeated. She wondered what his reaction would be if he had seen the holos she'd seen from the first month of the project.

Joker didn't say anything. Not at the station, not on their way back. He couldn't even feel anything for some time. But when he did feel again, it was an avalanche of emotions. First he was overwhelmed with joy. She was alive; she was breathing. She could wake up any minute and be in their lives again.

But fear crept up on his hope. What if she stopped breathing? What if she died, again? There was nothing he could do to prevent it. All he could do was to wait. He was useless.

But Cerberus couldn't have come this far just to let her die. And they _had_ come this far. How was this even possible? They could do _this_? What else could they do?

Joker slowly breathed in and out to calm himself down as one forgotten emotion made its way back to him.

He hadn't noticed that his guilt had been slowly fading until now. But when he pictured the broken body that was Shepard on that table, it came back; burning as bright as it did the moment he was helped out of the escape pod and saw the questioning faces of the rest of the survivors.

I _did this to her._


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to amuse myself.**

* * *

 _The woman walked down a path in a misty forest; surrounded by tall, leafless, unwelcoming trees. The fog was so thick that even the harsh, cold wind couldn't penetrate it. The woman's bare feet and hands hurt but she kept on walking aimlessly. She had no destination, nowhere to go. And with every step she took, it was getting colder. The wind seemed to target her on purpose. She shivered and remembered a tale she'd heard somewhere, about some girl out in the cold, and something about…_ Matches?

" _Shepard…"_

 _She thought she heard something; her name perhaps. That was her name, wasn't it? Shepard… She stopped and looked around. Same dark path, same trees, no one was in sight. The icy wind blew over her again, the cold was unbearable. She dropped to her knees. There was emptiness in her; something she couldn't explain, something even worse than the merciless cold._ "Wake up commander!" _called again the voice. She tried to get up on her feet._

"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now, this facility is under attack!"

She opened her eyes, trying to make sense of her surroundings. She was hurting all over.

"Shepard, your scars aren't healed but you need to get moving, this facility's under attack!"

Her instincts took over. She stood up, grabbed the gear, and forgot about the place she'd been a minute ago.

* * *

 _This must be a setup,_ Shepard thought as she got out of her cover and drained a mech. She was trying hard not to be overwhelmed by everything that was going on around her. Waking up in a strange facility with no recollection of getting there was one thing, but people getting killed by mechs that were far advanced than any mech she'd ever encountered was quite another.

She'd deducted that she'd been helpless until she woke up, so the woman who'd been helping her over the radio; Miranda; probably didn't want her dead.

Jacob on the other hand; the biotic she'd just met; was a little too eager to be friendly. She'd no reason to trust anything he would say, so she decided asking questions would be a waste of time.

But the recordings she'd found were disturbing.

 _Two years?_ _They just expect me to believe that I was dead and brought back?_ _With bio-synthetic fusion—whatever that means._

She tried to remember. They were attacked by an unknown vessel and… Normandy was falling apart, but… Ashley wouldn't leave… _No, it was Joker. I went back for him. I got him to the escape pod, and then…_ She winced as a sharp pain shot through her eyes to her brain. Those recordings about project Lazarus must have been planted to confuse her. Was she kidnapped by these people? To what end?

"Commander Shepard is alive," she repeated under her breath and took out another mech. _I have to play smart and figure out their game. I have to get out of here or get to this Miranda._

"They're falling back!" announced Jacob as he showed off his biotics. He was obviously team Miranda, but she would still keep him where she'd see him.

"Ready to get the hell off this station?" he asked after the last mech fell.

"What's the quickest way to those shuttles?" she replied. The anticipation of getting some answers was beginning to make her edgy.

"Depends on where the mechs are thickest. It's probably best if we—"

A new voice interrupted him. "Check. Check. Anyone on this frequency? Anybody still alive out there? Hello?"

"Wilson. This is Jacob. I'm here with Commander Shepard…"

 _Wilson._ Shepard felt she had heard his name before, but she couldn't recall exactly when or where. She could only remember an excruciating pain, panic and confusion associated with the name. She gritted her teeth.

"Get to the service tunnels and head for the network control room,"Wilson advised.

Jacob acknowledged.

Two minutes later, he was throwing biotics at hostiles. "Dammit Wilson, this room is crawling with mechs!" he yelled.

"The whole station is crawling with mechs!" Wilson yelled back. "I'm doing the best I can!"

Shepard tuned them out as they bickered over the radio, and delivered a couple of headshots to one of the synthetics. _Two years my ass_ , she thought. _You don't get to shoot like that after lying around for two years._

She took cover. Wilson was right; the station did crawl with mechs as far as she'd seen, so maybe he wasn't trying to get them killed. But that didn't explain the surprise in his voice when he'd heard that she was alive. Why would he think she'd be dead? Even if the recordings were true, Miranda thought that she'd be able to stand up and fight. Something was off.

She stood up after the last robot blew up, and followed Jacob as he rushed up the stairs to reach Wilson, who'd managed to get shot in the meanwhile.

"Shepard, this way!"

Jacob pointed to the door on their right, but before they entered the server room B, Shepard noticed the blood trail to her left and found another room with three dead bodies and a laptop.

"Commander, we don't have time for this!"

She ignored him and played the log.

According to the log, they were ordered to keep her just as she was; whoever they were. _No_ , she protested. _This is a ruse. It must be._

Jacob stood next to the door and shook his head, sighing. "Shepard, I—"

"Not important right now," she dismissed him, ejecting the thermal clip and inserting a new one. "Let's move."

* * *

 _Cerberus. I died—yeah, right—, they acquired my body and resurrected it—me. Cerberus, of all the organizations in the galaxy. This keeps getting better and better._

She fell into the easy rhythm of draining power from the mechs and blowing their heads off as she, Jacob and Wilson—who could now run thanks to medigel—ran to get to the shuttles.

After they cleared the first floor of the shuttle bay, Shepard took the left room upstairs as Wilson and Jacob took care of the hostiles emerging from the docking station.

She took out three of the four mechs that came out of the room from her cover and cloaked to deal with the fourth up-close.

She approached it from behind, drained some of its power to repair her shield and put two rounds in its head. Having learned their tendency to explode with headshots, she jumped behind the desk in the room.

She waited while it blew up into pieces and got out of the room to see how Jacob and Wilson were doing. Observing that they were fine on their own, she figured she had the time to listen to the log she'd just found on yet another laptop.

She hit play and listened.

When it was over, she was feeling dizzy and nauseated. One part of this log had proven to be more disturbing than anything she'd heard so far.

' _In addition to the expected burns and internal injuries from the explosion, subject has suffered significant cellular breakdown due to long-term exposure to vacuum and subzero temperatures.'_

She rubbed her forehead. _Exposure to vacuum._ Her brain was resisting her attempts to remember and that resistance was causing bouts of stabbing headache. She stood there mesmerized for a minute but Wilson's voice brought her back. "What the hell Shepard, we have to move!"

"Go ahead," she yelled back. "I'm right behind you!"

As she half walked-half ran behind them, she recalled helping—no, throwing Joker into the escape pod. Then there had been an explosion. Joker was crying out her name.

Shepard's breathing became heavier as the last piece of the puzzle fit into its place: The exposure to vacuum.

 _I did die._

* * *

Shepard, Jacob and Miranda made it to the shuttles minus Wilson after an awkward encounter between him and Miranda.

She was shaken enough by the revelation she had to give a damn about Cerberus shooting each other. His behavior had suggested that he was hiding something anyway.

Still, the woman didn't even flinch before shooting a colleague. The late Wilson hadn't called her an ice queen for no reason.

But if they thought that Shepard would be intimidated by this Cerberus ice queen and she'd just do their bidding, they were sorely mistaken. She knew she had to play along at least until she met the Illusive man they kept talking about. She needed answers. _And that's why;_ she thought as she fixed her steel gray eyes on Miranda's, _I'm sitting here quietly and not executing one of the four plans I've come up with to take you two down since we took off._

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we have to ask you a few questions to evaluate your condition," Miranda said.

Shepard's brows rose as her mouth opened, but Jacob protested before she could.

"Come on, Miranda. More tests? Shepard took down those mechs effortlessly. That has to be good enough."

"It's been two years since the attack. The Illusive Man needs to know that Shepard's personality and memories are intact. Ask the questions," insisted Miranda.

"This is a waste of time. I feel as good as ever," snapped Shepard, but Jacob caved in and asked her about Akuze.

He dared ask her about her team, the very team that Cerberus had experimented on, the soldiers whose deaths they've caused. But his casualness told Shepard that this information too must be above his pay grade. She wasn't sure about Miranda though. For all Shepard knew, she could have been in on it.

She cracked her neck and fingers. "We should move on," she hissed.

Miranda wasn't getting the hint.

"There are other tests we should run," she began and Shepard thought she saw Jacob rolling his eyes.

"Come on Miranda, Enough with the quizzes. The memories are there and I can vouch for Shepard's combat skills personally," he said.

"I suppose you're right. We'll have to hope that the Illusive Man accepts our little field test as evidence enough."

"Yeah, let's hope daddy won't be mad at us," muttered Shepard as she turned to look out of the window.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to silence the voices in my head.**

* * *

Upon arriving at the Minuteman station, Joker thought his heartbeat was going to shatter his ribcage.

He couldn't take his eyes off her; she was beautiful.

After months of letting Cerberus use him like a chauffeur, months of clinging to a faint hope, everything was coming together once again; but this, he hadn't dared to imagine. There was no question, no doubt; this _was_ love.

Pity Shepard hadn't returned from Freedom's Progress yet to share this moment with him.

When he'd heard that the commander was awake and already on a mission, all he could do was laugh. He wasn't worried at all; he knew she'd be there in an hour, she'd look at him with that little half smirk of hers and it would be like the last two years never happened.

It had been a month since he'd last seen her at the Lazarus station. They'd even let him enter the room that time. She'd still had unnaturally glowing cracks all over her skin but her hair had grown by then; thick, red and frizzy as it used to be; and despite the scars there was no question that this face belonged to Shepard.

" _Hey commander," Joker whispered, sitting beside her. Miranda Lawson was standing across the room like a predator eyeing her prey._

 _He stared at Shepard for some time before he held her hand, amazed by how much he had missed her. Not just his life when Commander Shepard was in it, but her. Her voice, her smile, her marching into the cockpit and yelling orders or just standing silent next to him; the scent of her soap mixed with the smell of whatever solvent she used to clean her guns filling the room._

 _He touched her face, tracing his fingers along a scar on her cheek. He hoped that she would wake up then and there; but the idea of having to explain why the hell he was holding her hand and touching her face had made him reconsider._

" _Come on now Shepard," he said. "I'd probably freak out like you've never seen before if you wake up right now. You don't want to miss this chance."_

 _But Shepard stayed still._

" _Dr. Chakwas said hi."_

 _He paused, not really sure what else to say but not being able to leave either. He recalled how she'd come by the cockpit between missions sometimes, just for a quick chat. He wondered if she'd known how much he'd appreciated those little talks._

" _God, I missed you," he blurted out without meaning to, and the realization dawned._

Shit.

 _For two years he had regretted, grieved and hoped, but not once he'd let himself recognize that there was something more to what he felt. Just like the way he'd buried his attraction to her years back under a heap of jokes; he'd ignored the painful void in his heart._

But of course, _he thought._ Of course it had to be Commander Shepard, whose death I caused; who also happens to be brought back from the dead, by Cerberus. How else could things be more complicated?

 _Laughter stirred inside him as he looked at their connected hands._

A puzzled Miranda was a rarity as Joker had come to learn, but his hushed, miserable giggling fit that day had managed to bring her out.

Pushing back the memory, Joker checked the time again. _56 minutes._ He gave the ship another long look before he dimmed the lights and headed out.

An hour later he was by the docking station entrance, drumming his fingers on the arms of his seat. He stopped for a moment and listened for footsteps, but there were none.

He lounged in the seat staring at the ceiling, filled his cheeks with air and slowly squeezed it out with an annoying sound.

When he heard the clicking of Miranda Lawson's high heels, the normally intimidating noise was music to his ears. He stood up and looked at her expectantly.

"You can go into the communications room now, Mr. Moreau."

Joker acknowledged this with a nod and started walking, slow at first but faster with each step. When he reached the stairs he stopped, took his hat off and combed his hair with his fingers. Then he put it back on, rolled his eyes at himself and continued down the stairs.

Shepard was standing in the middle of the room, her back turned to him, and the room went darker as the holographic interface around her faded. _Because all I need right now is more dramatic effect,_ thought Joker as he approached her.

"Hey commander," he said, and his heart skipped a beat when she turned around with that long anticipated half smirk on her lips.

"Just like old times, huh?"

* * *

"I've found a pilot I think you might like. I hear he's one of the best. Someone you can trust."

With that, the Illusive Man ended the communication.

Shepard's lips quirked up in an unsure smile. _It can't be anyone else,_ she thought and was proven right by Joker's voice.

"Hey commander."

She turned around smirking, ready for some quip from the man that stood before her.

But Joker only said, "Just like old times, huh?" with an uncharacteristic undertone of sadness in his voice, and Shepard's smirk morphed into a sad smile. _Old times._

"Well I'll be damned," she said, took one step forward and stopped, realizing she didn't know how to greet him.

Joker looked like he was suffering from the same indecision.

They stared stupidly at each other until Shepard shook her head with amused disbelief and gave him a hug. She'd meant it to be a brief, friendly one; but when Joker put his hesitant arms around her, she was able to let her guard down at last and the exhaustion took over.

She let her head fall on his shoulder; almost sagging in his arms with the comfort of familiarity.

Joker's hesitation didn't last long. When Shepard put her head on his shoulder he held her tighter, ignoring the danger her chest piece posed to his ribs.

It was an unprecedented moment. Shepard wasn't a hugger; nobody in the Alliance military was. Even if some of them secretly were, lieutenants didn't make a habit of hugging their commanders.

It felt unreal.

Yet, it was perfect.

Joker loosened his hold and let her pull away when Shepard sighed and lifted her head.

"I have something to show you," he said, looking away to avoid any sort of awkwardness.

"Another homecoming present from the Illusive Man," he added cheerfully as he walked towards the door. Only then Shepard noticed that he was walking with the help of nothing but a pair of flimsy leg braces, and he was moving a lot faster than the last time she'd seen him. _Which was two years ago,_ she reminded herself.

She added this to her list of gazillion questions she wanted to ask and felt thankful for his lighter mood, which had subtly eased the intensity of the moment they had.

She followed him, hoping this present wasn't some rare species enslaved to _help the humanity._ When you dealt with Cerberus, you never knew what lurked in the next dark corner. But this line of thought didn't help her current situation, so Shepard decided to focus on other things for now.

She looked at Joker, and once again the reality of everything that happened hit her.

"I can't believe it's you Joker…" she said as he led the way.

* * *

"They're not all bad. Saved your life. Let me fly. And there's this…" said Joker, and the dock lit up to reveal the ship. Elegant and beautiful, she was awe inspiring, but Shepard wasn't sure she was ready to embrace this replica, when she hadn't even had a chance to mourn the original.

She tried to block her mind from going to her last memory of the Normandy, but she failed. Once again she was there, trying to get her crew to the pods while her home fell apart around her. She opened her mouth to ask how many of them had made it, but the way Joker looked at the ship made her change her mind. She didn't have the heart to spoil his moment.

It might have been new for her but he'd already gone through what she was going through.

"It's good to be home, huh commander?" he said, without taking his eyes off the ship.

"I guess we'll have to give her a name," she replied.

* * *

Shepard's first night on Normandy SR2 was a restless one.

She sat down on the bed in her cabin—her new cabin on the new Normandy.

So this wasn't just a bad dream after all.

Even after Freedom's Progress, after seeing Tali, a tiny part of her had still hoped this was all an elaborate lie. That she wasn't… _gone_ , for two years.

But Joker, Dr. Chakwas and the rebuilt-from-scratch version of her blown apart ship didn't leave much room for further suspicion. She had to get used to this unpleasant fact instead of dwelling on it and move on; she'd already lost two years to the reapers' advantage.

And now there was the situation with the colonies. She had seen it with her own eyes on Freedom's Progress. She didn't want to believe that the Alliance was ignoring all this, but all the evidence pointed in that direction. How could they not do anything about them? And how could they not do anything about the reaper threat?

She wasn't surprised about the Council though. Burying their heads in the sand was just the thing she'd expect from them.

She lay on the bed, but the urgency she felt to catch up made it impossible to relax. She'd spent hours on the extranet trying to get herself up to date with the significant events of the last two years but that hadn't been satisfactory, not even the classified files she could get her hands on.

What she really wanted to know was how and what Garrus was doing; and Liara, and Wrex, and Ash, and the rest of her surviving crew. She was glad to hear that most of them were safe, but the news about Garrus worried her. And that crap about Liara working for the shadow broker? _Bullshit,_ she thought. _I'll go see her right after I recruit Professor Solus. But I should probably get Archangel too while I'm on Omega. And then I have to talk to Anderson. Fuck. I'll go see her when I can catch a break._

Shepard knew she needed answers, only she was a bit hazy on the 'to what questions' part. But maybe she could wait a week or two before she started worrying about that, considering she'd just become fully animated again.

She covered her face with her hands and rubbed her eyes. _At least I had a chance to talk to Tali._

It had been good to see her, and she was kind enough all things considered. _She has grown up_ , thought Shepard, and it made her proud in a bittersweet way. It had been naïve of her to think Tali'd drop everything to join her, but she'd hoped nevertheless.

She closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep, but even the soft pillows and the firm mattress didn't do the trick. She looked at the empty fish tank, wondering if it would help to fill it but she knew just too well that she'd be watching dead fish in a week. _Let the poor creatures take their chances with someone else_ , she thought.

She got on her feet, giving up hope on sleeping.

'It's good to be home, huh commander?' Joker had asked her. But she wasn't sure she was home. And with that damned AI popping up everywhere she went, this felt like just one reaper attack short of a nightmare.

She went out and took the elevator to the CIC. Without even thinking, she walked towards the bridge like she always did—or rather she used to do.

She was surprised and disappointed to find an empty cockpit, and annoyed when EDI asked her if she needed anything. "Just leave me alone," she snapped at the blue orb and stormed out.

She recalled with a shudder the last time she saw her pilot before all this. She remembered the blast that tore them apart and the desperation in his voice as he called out her name, and her own desperation to hang on to something as she was flung into space.

She tried to laugh about it, but she couldn't find anything remotely amusing about slowly suffocating in the middle of nothingness. She'd had near death experiences before, and after every one of them she'd clung to life more strongly. This was different. She had died.

Her mind didn't know what to do but her feet took her down the stairs below engineering, where she lay on the cold floor and listened to the ship. When she reached for the scar on her abdomen like she always did when she contemplated, she realized that it wasn't there. _Damn_ , she thought. Her other scars and tattoos were gone too. The acid burn on the back of shoulder from the thresher maw attack on Akuze, the shrapnel in her thigh from the Skyllian Blitz, the cut on her eyebrow from the thrashing she got from Carter back with the Reds, the one on her upper lip when that krogan headbutted her on Therum… And then there was the one on her abdomen, below her belly button to the left… ***** She touched her face to feel her new ones. _It doesn't matter,_ she thought. _I remember. I'll always remember._

She closed her eyes, focused on the soft humming noise to relax and for a moment, it worked. The line between her conscious thoughts and her dreams was getting blurry. But the instant she was about to fall asleep, a cold and empty feeling filled her heart with dread. She opened her eyes, short of breath. She straightened up and listened to her own heartbeat and breathing for a while. She hugged her knees to her chest and exhaled in frustration. "I am alive," she said out loud. "And I have a job to do."

* * *

Next day before setting a course for Omega, Shepard took the time to tour the ship on her own and met the crew. She wasn't sure why she'd expected hostility but the people seemed genuinely excited to be a part of her team. They weren't some evil bunch with an agenda to hurt aliens, they were just people, worried for their families in the colonies and hopeful that Commander Shepard would put an end to the collector threat. No pressure, as always.

After speaking to them, she started feeling guilty for dying. If she'd been more careful, she could have saved many lives in two years. She could have forced the Council to take measures against the inevitable reaper attack.

For a moment, she understood why the Illusive Man felt inclined to bring her back. There couldn't have been too many suckers who would feel like they'd let everyone down by getting killed if brought back.

"Yep, back to work," she murmured and realized Chambers was still talking.

"I'm sorry Miss Chambers, er, Kelly, what was that?"

"You have unread messages at your private terminal, and Joker would like to speak to you on the bridge."

"Thank you. That'll be all."

The yeoman, Shepard didn't trust so much. It was too early to trust any of them yet, but this woman with her overly positive attitude irked her a little. Picturing her in a room with pink fluffy toys and unicorn paintings every time she spoke with her didn't help either. _I bet Joker will have something to say about her_ , she thought.

* * *

"I died and came back and all you can talk about is leather seats? That why you wanted to talk to me?"

"Hey, don't be like that commander; I'm glad you're back too. Who else can drag us to impossible situations and let me push the Normandy to her limits?"

"I'm so thrilled that I'll be able to indulge you Joker," she said and took the co-pilot seat. "So what do you think about the crew?"

"You need to ask that to a people person Shepard. How about Chambers?" He grinned. He knew she'd have something to say about her.

"She really is the yin to your yang, isn't she?" she said laughing.

"She's more like Santa to my Grinch," Joker replied.

"Man, she gives me the creeps," admitted Shepard. "She seems like the type that'd kill all of us in our sleeps with a sweet smile on her face."

"Ha! It's good to see that you're as cynical as before commander. I was afraid that Cerberus would fix that. Now I don't feel so alone."

"The difference is I can hide my cynicism Joker. I just don't bother around you." She turned around in her seat like a bored child.

"What have you been up to all this time?" she asked.

"This and that, nothing worth mentioning commander," said Joker in a distant voice.

"Well, that wasn't vague. Is that all you can share with your undead commander?"

"Sorry to disappoint commander but that's pretty much it," said Joker, suddenly looking busy with the controls.

Shepard decided not to push it. She got up.

"All right then, let's go get Mordin Solus and this Archangel guy. We're going to Omega," she said as she walked out.

Joker buried his face in his hands. This was going to be tougher than he had thought.

* * *

 *** This is about my Shep's backstory which can be found in my other Mass Effect fic "I'll See the Stars".**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to feed the bunnies.**

* * *

"Omega. What a pisshole," said Miranda. "At least it keeps you on your toes."

Shepard looked around, not impressed. "I've seen worse," she said. "I can take our new asset on this one if you prefer to stay on the ship," she offered, referring to Zaeed Massani. "I bet he's seen worse too."

"I'll be fine, thank you," snapped Miranda. Shepard hadn't meant to patronize her, but the woman seemed to take everything coming from her as some sort of insult. She would have understood if it had been about losing command, but suspected it wasn't the case.

"All right then," she said wearily. "Let's go find out what this Aria knows."

* * *

Afterlife had everything one would expect from a disreputable establishment. Elcor bouncers, touchy batarians, bare-assed asari dancers, pounding music, Helena Blake… And lots of booze. Shepard licked her lips as she passed by the bar, aching for a couple of shots. Or ten.

It'd been quite a while since she'd gotten delightfully drunk; last time was the night on the Citadel right before they'd stolen the Normandy, and that was more than two years ago. _Maybe it's time to take that new liver for a test drive,_ she thought. _But when Miranda isn't around_. The woman would probably step in at some point to protect the Illusive Man's investment and suck the fun out of her happy hour.

Her eyes met Jacob's for a moment, and he gave her a knowing smile as they made their way to Aria's lounge.

"I won't tell if you're buying," he whispered. Shepard felt a pang of sympathy for the man for the first time since they'd met.

When they reached Aria's nest, there was the customary display of weaponry and paranoia, which was the foundation of shady dealings.

"You run Omega?" asked Shepard after she was scanned, and got a tirade for an answer. She could hardly refrain from applauding when Aria delivered the punchline with an evil little smile.

"Don't fuck with Aria."

 _Everyone is a damn hardass._ "I like it," lied Shepard. "Easy to remember."

"If you forget, someone will remind you."

"And then I toss your sorry ass out the nearest airlock," said that someone.

 _Oh, give me a break._

"So, what can I do for you?"

* * *

Her theatrics aside, Aria had proved to be the queen of Omega indeed. Her information about the professor was solid and Mordin Solus was happily yapping about his various fascinations on the Normandy thanks to that information.

Shepard left him to it and made her way to the cockpit.

"I've decided to go for a drink before I join a group of mercenaries who wants to kill the guy I want to hire. Wanna come with?"

"I'd love to commander, but my new regimen doesn't mix well with alcohol," lied Joker, without even thinking. In truth, it was the guilt he felt that didn't mix well with alcohol. Last thing he wanted was babbling about it before he was ready to look her in the eye and say 'I'm sorry'.

"Well, I can't argue with the results," Shepard said. "I've noticed your increased mobility." _And the muscle tone._

"Working for the bad guys has some advantages," he said, remembering the weekly injections with a shudder. He was glad that he'd gone through with the experimental treatment, but it hadn't been a walk in the park.

"You're telling me," Shepard agreed and turned to Jacob, who'd just appeared at the door.

"Ready commander?" he asked, much to Joker's dismay.

"You sure you're not coming?"

"Yep. You go ahead, have fun, and try not to fall into some puddle."

Shepard's mouth dropped open and she stared at him with a mixture of surprise and amusement.

"What, you thought I'd forget?"

"I had hoped," she said and smiled broadly. "See you Joker."

* * *

Half an hour later, Shepard was back on the Normandy.

"What the fuck happened?" asked Joker.

"Daft enough to order a drink from a batarian, that's what happened," said Zaeed.

"Maybe you should've warned me _before_ I ordered it then?"

Zaeed shrugged. "A little poison never hurt anyone."

"You should see the doctor commander," said Jacob.

"All I wanted was one goddamn drink," Shepard grumbled as she headed for the CIC.

Jacob turned to Joker. "She isn't going to the med bay, is she?"

"Nope."

"Can you let Dr. Chakwas know?"

"Already did."

"Thanks Joker."

* * *

"Everything seems in order," said Dr. Chakwas and deactivated her omni-tool. "I don't see any traces of poison in your system. Courtesy of your brand new Cerberus implants, I imagine."

"See, I told you I was fine."

"And now I know _for a fact_ that you are," said Dr. Chakwas. _Marines._ "I'm sorry your downtime didn't go quite as you'd planned."

Shepard snorted. "When does it ever?" she said. "No rest for the wicked, doc."

"Well, this one looks like she needs it," said the doctor.

"You worry too much," replied Shepard. "I've to go. I have a rendezvous with Archangel."

* * *

Shepard's rendezvous with Archangel hadn't been what she'd expected. She hadn't expected the mysterious vigilante to turn out to be Garrus Vakarian for instance, and she certainly hadn't expected a missile to blow half of his face off.

"Garrus! Hold on! We're getting you out of here!"

"He's not gonna make it," said Zaeed.

Shepard grabbed his arm. "He _is_ gonna make it," she grated, as if convincing him would have some effect on the situation. "Radio Joker. Make sure they're ready for us."

On the Normandy, Shepard was left behind as Dr. Chakwas and the medical team wheeled Garrus away. She moved back and forth in front of the airlock, her fingertips pressing on her forehead.

"Shepard."

She lifted her head and looked around with unfocused eyes, lowered her hands to her waist and attempted to take a deep breath, but it got stuck in her throat.

"Shepard," Joker repeated, putting his hand on the side of her arm. "He'll be fine. This is Garrus. He'll pull through."

"Joker," she said, her vision steadying. The pilot looked at her with worried eyes and stroked her arm.

"He'll be fine," he repeated.

"Yeah," she uttered, her hand finding his on her arm. "Yeah, he's got to." She gave him a weak smile. "I should go. I need to stay close," she said, voicing her thoughts without filter.

"Could you do me a favor and ask Dr. Chakwas to remove that pole up his ass while she's at it?" Joker asked, earning a dry chuckle and a light punch on the shoulder.

"I know what you're thinking," he called as she walked to the CIC. "'What would I do without Joker?'"

"You know it," said the commander, thinking he wasn't really that far off as Joker returned to the bridge.

* * *

"Commander. We've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit. The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell he'll have full functionality but—"

"Shepard," Garrus interrupted, and the relief Shepard felt upon hearing his voice was nothing like she'd experienced before.

This was not just a crewmember. Not only an old squad mate.

This was her friend.

As an orphan who was raised first in more than unkind foster homes, then on the crime-ridden streets of Earth; Riley Shepard had learned how to detach at a very young age. She'd believed she had no other choice to keep herself intact back then, and even though she didn't feel that way now it was still difficult for her to break that habit. She wanted certain people to remain in her life, but she had a lot to learn about not letting go so easily. Garrus getting hurt was the first lesson.

Enlisting with the Alliance military had been about giving herself a chance to find where she belonged and making peace with her nature by using it to help people. Serving was about redemption and duty.

But after nearly losing a friend today, a speck of selfishness attached itself to Shepard's drive to fight.

 _I have to protect what's mine._

"Tough son of a bitch," said Jacob with open admiration. "Didn't think he'd be up yet."

"Nobody would give me a mirror," Garrus complained. "How bad is it?"

Shepard couldn't contain her joy to see him up and about, already cracking jokes _. He'll be okay_ , she thought. _Uglier than ever, but okay._

"Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face paint on there, and no one will even notice."

"Don't make me laugh, damn it…"

Shepard's laughter echoed off the bulkhead they walked out the briefing room and entered the tech lab.

"Garrus, this is Mordin Solus. Mordin, meet Garrus Vakarian."

"Pleasure. Heard a lot about Archangel while on Omega. Glad to see you survived, looking forward to working with you." The professor shook his hand and leaned forward to inspect the wound. "Did you know krogan females considered scars attractive?"

Shepard and Garrus shared a look.

"Yeah, I think I've heard about it somewhere," she said, dragging Garrus to the door. "Talk to you later Mordin. We'll leave you to your work."

"Thanks for stopping by," Mordin replied and forgot about their existence by the end of his sentence.

"What's the rush?" Garrus asked Shepard when they made it to the CIC.

"I just spared you two hours of listening to Mordin talk about krogan culture and mating rituals," she said. "He can be very graphic."

"Oh."

* * *

After giving Garrus a tour of the Normandy SR2, Shepard and the turian relaxed in her cabin.

"You have no idea how good it is to have you here Garrus," Shepard said. "I'm glad you didn't die on me."

"It's good to be back Shepard." He put his hand on her shoulder. "You _did_ die on me, but it's damn good to see you, so all is forgiven."

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Not much has changed since you asked me five minutes ago."

"Just testing to see if your smart mouth's still intact."

"Thanks to you," said Garrus, his voice distant. He'd been sure that he'd die there at the hideout like the rest of his team, but now he had a chance to honor them. To avenge them.

Absentmindedly he reached for his visor, reciting in his mind the names that were carved into it. _I won't fail you again_.

"I don't like it either," said Shepard, misinterpreting the change in his tone. "Cerberus… But nobody else is willing to do what needs to be done."

"I can relate to that," said Garrus. "And don't worry; I got your back if this goes south."

"I have to ask, aren't you at all bothered by the fact that Cerberus brought me back from the dead?"

"I know you Shepard," he said. "I _know_ it's you. So no, I'm not at all bothered."

Shepard's smile reflected in her eyes. "Just like old times," she said. "I wish Tali could have joined us. I had the best damn team Garrus. I miss it every day. I miss Wrex!" She laughed. "At least I got you and Joker back."

"How's he doing?" Garrus asked. "He seemed happy to see me, should I be concerned?"

Shepard let out a frustrated sigh. "He keeps arguing with the AI, but other than that he's fine. Same old Joker I guess," she said, her hand reaching for the side of her arm.

"Last time I saw him, he was in a bad place," said Garrus.

"Yeah, I know the Alliance grounded him. And losing the Normandy couldn't have been easy. But Cerberus gave him leather seats!"

Garrus studied her face for a moment. "Is that what he told you?" he asked.

"He didn't tell me anything! This is what I gathered from the bits and pieces." She got up to get some glasses. "Why? Is there something I should know?" she asked as she sat back down and poured the drinks.

"No, nothing," said Garrus, deciding it's not his place to talk about it. The pilot was a mess when they'd held the memorial service; bouncing between apathy and intense grief.

He recalled the heavy air in the room where they'd gathered after the service. Heavy and quiet, except for the occasional sniffle.

 _Liara sobbed as Ashley gave her an angry look, maybe jealous because she couldn't cry like the asari did. Wrex and Tali stood side by side, wearing different shades of the same quiet sorrow._

 _Garrus fed his mind bullshit about how soldiers died and how it was a part of the job to keep himself from punching something. Turian, krogan, asari, quarian, human in a room; they were like the beginning of a bad joke._

 _Garrus wanted to get the fuck out. He didn't want to say goodbye to anyone, because interaction tended to break composure in such circumstances. He eyed the door, and saw Joker sitting alone at a table next to it._

 _The pilot's eyes were red and empty as he stared into nothing. Garrus walked to the door and turned to look at him; but Joker didn't notice._

 _They were all a mess in their own way, but Joker seemed lost and not quite right._

 _Garrus breathed in and approached him._

' _How are you holding up?' he asked, because that was what you asked._

 _The pilot lifted his head and fixed his dead eyes on his. "Garrus," he said, and Garrus could see the grief resurfacing as Joker held his forearm so tight that his knuckles went white._

' _What do I do now?' he asked, a question which Garrus wasn't able to answer; not for Joker, not for himself._

Garrus picked up his glass. "I think Cerberus gave him more than leather seats," he said.

Shepard paused for a few seconds before she changed the subject.

"So, _Archangel,_ " she said, smiling a mischievous smile. "Tell me all about Omega."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to share a portion of my nonsense.**

* * *

"No thanks commander, I'm good."

Joker's impassive face was disheartening, but Shepard wasn't about to give up.

"Come on Joker, it'll do you good to get out. I understand why you wouldn't set foot on Omega, but this is the Citadel! And I know some not-so-respectable places that I could buy you a drink… or a dance?"

"You say the sweetest things Shepard but I know how it's going to go. You and Garrus will argue for hours about which upgrade is best for your rifles and why; only to discover that you'd been talking about the same thing all along. And you'd be doing that in one of the deepest pits of the Wards, in a small obscure shop owned by a volus with a nervous tic."

"Oh, you know Taron?"

Joker looked at her through narrowed eyes. She stared back innocently.

"Besides," he said, "I don't want to leave the Normandy alone with this ship cancer."

"If I had the means and intentions to harm the Normandy Mr. Moreau, I would have already done so," EDI said. "I exist within the Normandy. Destroying it would be destroying myself."

"Ah, the dilemma," murmured Joker. "You go commander. I bet you'll need that drink after you meet with the Council."

"All right, suit yourself," said Shepard, noting he didn't bring up the alcohol with medication excuse this time. _Maybe I should stop trying to get my helmsman drunk._

"I just thought you'd want to see Anderson," she added.

"Yeah, great idea! 'Hey councilor, remember the time I bailed on you and the Alliance without so much as a goodbye and joined Cerberus?' That should go well." He turned to the console again. "So forgive me if I want to postpone the reunion."

"He'll understand," said Shepard with a hint of uncertainty.

"He _will_ understand," Joker reassured her. "That's what he does. He'll probably even try to help you." There was a faint note of annoyance in his voice. "I just don't think I can handle the generosity right now."

Shepard's eyebrows rose in surprise. How could she have missed that? Joker's reluctance was purely personal. He had brought up his disgust for the Council and the Alliance on more than one occasion, but he still respected Anderson and it was clear he felt that he'd betrayed him on some level.

"Ok," she said, knowing that she wouldn't be able to convince him if she tried. The man was nothing if not stubborn. "Maybe I'll take Zaeed along. I love how crowds part like the Red Sea when he comes their way. And he tells these heartwarming little stories…"

"Take Miranda too and you shall be the merriest squad the Citadel has ever seen."

"Cute," said Shepard wryly. "See you when I get back."

* * *

When Shepard got back to the Normandy, she didn't stop by the cockpit like she always did. She went straight to her cabin instead; the councilors' words and Udina's face had made her want to take a long shower.

She turned on the hot water and stood under it for some time, trying to soothe the anger away. She didn't like it a bit, working with Cerberus, the Illusive Man; but today's meeting had proved that she'd made the right decision. _Those stupid, smug bastards. Is this what I get for saving their asses at the cost of human lives?_

Anderson was the doing the best he could; the poor man looked miserable in the middle of the mess she'd put him. But even his best didn't seem to be good enough under the circumstances. _Still, better him than Udina_ , thought Shepard.

She got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around herself and slumped into the sofa, only to remember the thief she'd just recruited.

"EDI?"

"Yes Shepard?"

"Has Miss Goto settled in?"

"Yes. She will be staying in the port observation, unless you decide otherwise."

"No, it's fine," said Shepard. As much as she hated to admit, having an AI on the ship was proving to be very efficient. Of course, she wouldn't dream of telling this to Joker.

A smile crept to her lips as she got up.

"That'll be all."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

* * *

"Hey commander, what's up?" asked Joker, without turning around. He'd been brooding since she'd come back. "How did it go?"

"Well, I'm officially a spectre again, which means absolutely nothing. The Council was as useful as tits on a bull. But hey, I saw a turian air quoting, so it wasn't a total loss."

"What?" said Joker, turning to face her. Whatever irrational sulkiness he was feeling was gone. "You're making that up!"

"Oh, I'm not," she said, remembering the context of it with disgust. "I also learned Ash got promoted. But I'm not trustworthy enough to know where she is, now that I'm with Cerberus."

"How's Anderson?"

"Miserable. But he's trying. Did you know that he was keeping Udina around?"

"Yeah, as an advisor. I should have warned you."

"And what good would it do?" She sat down. "I'm beginning to see why you've joined Cerberus when you did."

Joker hung his head and cleared his throat. "So, you got us a thief huh?" he asked, changing the subject as subtle as a krogan spy in a salarian base. "She better stay away from my locker."

"I don't know if she can resist the allure of dirty laundry and the weirdest porn collection in the galaxy Joker," said Shepard.

"You never know."

"Anyway, I should go talk to her," she said standing up and looked at him as if she wanted to say something else.

"Take a holo, it'll last longer," said the smartass without turning around.

Shepard gave up. She'd noticed that Joker was having a hard time looking her in the eye but she hadn't read much into it, hoping that it'd go away in time, but the mood swings were wearing her out. She wasn't even sure if the pilot enjoyed her company or thought it was an annoyance anymore. _I should just keep it professional,_ she thought, but she knew from experience that Joker had a way of breaking her resolve pretty fast.

"No need," she said. "EDI has a vast collection of recordings and holos of you, which she kindly shares. We integrate some of it into our target practice system. Boosts the motivation."

She grinned as Joker gave the blue orb a suspicious look while EDI remained stoic.

"You set a course for Osun in the meanwhile," Shepard said. "I'm going shopping."

"Do I want to know?"

"Nothing to worry; I'll just buy a convict from a prison ship," she replied, trying to disguise her discomfort with indifference. Selling prisoners for the right price? That sounded wrong. Buying one? That _felt_ wrong. _Big picture Shepard,_ she told herself. W _hatever it takes._

* * *

Shepard had hated the idea of buying people—no matter who or what they were—from the start. Even after setting foot on the prison ship Purgatory and seeing the monsters it held, her opinion hadn't changed.

So when the warden turned on them, she was relieved above everything else.

Not having to go through with such a trade had eliminated her internal conflict, but there was the matter of escaped criminals and Warden Kuril.

With mechs and Blue Suns mercs scattered here and there.

Shepard inhaled the pungent aroma of frenzy and smiled with satisfaction. _No more moral dilemma. It's just business as usual._

* * *

Back on the Normandy, Shepard tried not to grin when Jack called Miranda a 'Cerberus cheerleader'. The fight on the Purgatory had been exhilarating and she'd successfully gotten the convict on board, a colorful addition to say the least. Her spirits were still high after Jack left the comm room, but that lasted only until Miranda called after her as she too was leaving.

"Shepard, can we talk for a moment?"

 _Damn. I wasn't fast enough,_ thought Shepard, turning back. She'd hoped that she could avoid this.

"Of course Miranda. What is it?"

"You didn't have the authorization to promise her those files, commander," she said. "You can't expect every rule to bend around you."

With tremendous self-control, Shepard kept her expression neutral.

She didn't understand this woman. Sometimes she couldn't figure out whether Miranda wanted her to succeed or to fail. She knew that the XO was smart enough to know challenging her would lead to nothing, and she should have ceased it by now, labeling it 'inefficient'. Yet here they were, about to have another pointless pissing contest.

"I didn't need authorization Miranda," said Shepard. Her ego was fighting back, but she didn't want this to turn into an ugly confrontation. "It is simple. _Your_ boss thinks that this mission needs Jack. Jack needs those files to stay. As far as I'm concerned, everything worked out just fine. What would we have gained if we'd knocked her out and put her in a cell?"

She was going to leave it at that, but a suppressed grudge escaped her lips in the form of a question. "Or were you planning to implant a control chip in her brain?"

"I do whatever needs to be done," Miranda replied, her voice icier than usual.

"One thing we have in common, then. But as you can see, our methods are different." _I don't try to turn people into obedient slaves, for one._

"I'm not Cerberus, Miranda, I've made it clear. This is a temporary collaboration at best. I _am_ following the road map that the Illusive Man has laid out, because it makes sense. But on this ship, I give the orders and I make the decisions as _I_ see fit. If this is going to be problem, we should address it now." She clasped her hands behind her back. "Is it going to be a problem?"

"No," said Miranda, deliberately not using name or rank. She got a petty satisfaction from seeing Shepard's mouth twitch.

"The Illusive Man put you in charge, and I can follow orders," she added.

 _You don't need to remind me where your loyalties lie,_ thought Shepard.

"Good."

"But I would appreciate if you'd give me a heads up before deciding to go public with classified Cerberus information."

"I'll think about it. You're dismissed."

* * *

Joker gave Shepard a sheepish smile when she marched into the cockpit. He was aware that he'd been pushing her away but his fear of being confronted about the first Normandy's fate, _her_ fate haunted him to the point of evasion. Shepard didn't seem to care at all, but maybe she didn't remember how it went down.

"So that went well, huh?" he asked.

"That _warden_ was nothing more than a slaver," she replied. "It felt good to put him down."

"Serves him right. Not that he'd ever be able to capture you, but I'm glad you're back. Just keep an eye on that last one, we can only hold so much crazy."

Shepard's face lightened up with a smile that made Joker nervous.

"You think?" she asked. "Then you're gonna love this. We'll go get ourselves a krogan warlord!"

"Great!" yelled Joker with sarcastic enthusiasm. "I thought something was missing! Can't we get a kitten instead? Or a puppy? Please?"

"Nope, no bunnies either. But you can always go play with Boo ***** if you like?"

"Uh, no thanks. I wouldn't exactly categorize your space rat as fuzzy."

"He is a space hamster Joker," she corrected, as if that was common knowledge. "And he is fuzzy." She gave him a threatening look.

"Ok," Joker said, throwing his hands up. "He's fuzzy." He smiled as he turned to the controls. "You feeling all right Shepard?" he asked.

"Better than I was feeling before I came here," she said, putting her hands on the back of his chair and leaning forward.

Heat rushed to his cheeks as he felt her breath on the back of his neck and he turned his head to look up at her. The proximity of their faces wasn't doing his raising pulse any favors.

"All right, krogan it is," he said. "Just promise me, no head-butting this time?"

Shepard straightened up and Joker let out the breath he was holding in.

"We'll see," said the commander with a smirk.

"Should we hide Mordin away someplace safe?"

"The cargo hold should be safe for Professor Solus temporarily," EDI offered.

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Thank you EDI, I'll keep that in mind," said Shepard, giving him the 'don't say anything' look. He made a face as a reply.

"I should go tell Jacob and Garrus to gear up. Later Joker, EDI."

"Logging you out Shepard," said EDI and Joker in unison.

* * *

In the armory, Shepard threw her head back and laughed as she shamelessly flirted with Jacob. Not being a part of the Alliance military had its perks. Not that she'd let anything happen, but it was fun making this gorgeous man blush. She never really went for the pretty boys anyways. What drew her to someone was a certain kind of passion, and Jacob Taylor hadn't a drop of what she sought.

Jack on the other hand was intriguing, but Shepard's interest in women was mostly of platonic nature. And of course, she wasn't the kind of commander who had casual sex with the members of her crew. _Ah well,_ she thought. _Who has the time for it in the middle of all this anyway?_

Joker's voice over the comm interrupted her thoughts. "We're approaching Korlus commander, ETA 20 minutes. Don't forget your shotgun!"

 _Now that's a passionate man,_ said a little, treacherous voice inside her head, which she quickly tried to suppress. Harmless flirtations, she could handle; but Joker was something else.

Shepard was still a soldier at heart, even if her current situation allowed her some flexibilities that the Alliance hadn't. For her, the military code was not just a text to follow when you had to; it was etched in her essence.

When she'd first realized her growing fondness for the helmsman back on the first Normandy, she'd been quick to shelf those emotions away. It had been harder to keep them locked up as their bond strengthened after Sovereign's defeat; but before she could test how long she would be able to keep it up, she had died.

Now she was back, and so were her muted emotions. Joker had been the only stable thing in her life when she first woke up, the only one that made her feel like she hadn't lost everything. So much had changed and she was trying not to look back; but it was still good to have him at the helm of the Normandy, right where he had been two years ago.

She only wished that he weren't so distant. They talked and joked around like they used to, but she hit a wall every time she tried to spark a deeper conversation and the feeling of being kept at arm's length was tiring.

 _And what happens if he lets me in?_ she thought, realizing she wasn't even sure what she wanted. Maybe she expected too much of him. Maybe he wasn't different at all; maybe it was her who had changed.

She shook herself and straightened up. _Colonies are being abducted and you're worried because the boy you like won't pull your pigtails? Way to get your priorities straight._

* * *

 ***Of course his name is Boo.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to escape reality.**

* * *

 _What could ever go wrong when you're trying to recruit a krogan warlord residing in a Blue Suns facility? I really should have brought a shotgun._

"Jacob, check your six, krogan approaching! Garrus, focus on the mech, I'll take care of Jedore!"

Shepard cloaked, stormed across the room and took cover behind a crate. She took out Jedore's shields and delivered a headshot, but her tech armor took most of the damage. She cloaked again and moved behind a more stable cover.

"How dare you!" shouted Jedore and sent a missile towards the crate, which exploded into pieces. _How dare I?_ Shepard held her breath and aimed for a second headshot. _Time for you to shut up,_ she thought and fired.

She relaxed as Jedore fell, but her eyes popped open as she saw the mech aiming at her and managed to roll out of harm's way at the last minute.

"Garrus!" she yelled, demanding explanation.

"What?" echoed the turian's voice inside her helmet. "You have the damn missile launcher!"

"Oh stop crying, I'll get one for you on your birthday!"

"Doesn't really help me now, does it?"

"Guys?" interrupted Jacob. "The heavy mech?"

"Fine, I'll get you one too! Jeez!" Shepard switched to the launcher, stood up and steadied herself. She sent two missiles, but they were only able to damage the shields.

"Let's set it on fire!" she yelled as she cloaked and grinned like the Cheshire cat. She ran towards Garrus and handed him the launcher. "Jacob, stay in cover and hit it with incendiary whenever you get the chance! Garrus, launch right after I deploy fire tech! Isn't this fun?"

"Yeah," panted Jacob. "Fun's the word I'd use."

* * *

When they got back to the Normandy minus Okeer and plus a krogan tank, Shepard was eager to crack it open, but Miranda was less than enthusiastic.

"Miranda, I have faced krogan before. I have faced a bunch of them just an hour ago actually, accompanied by mercs, mechs and a crazy woman with heavy weapons! I'm still standing and they are not. I'll be fine, pure or not, it's just one krogan, and it's on _my_ ship."

 _God damn my big mouth,_ thought Shepard as she tried to convince the baby krogan which had his giant arm pressed against her throat. _Baby. Right._

"That's… acceptable. I'll fight for you," said Grunt, to her relief.

"I'm glad you saw reason," she replied, holstering her weapon. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Grunt grunted as a reply.

* * *

An hour later Shepard marched into the cockpit with an alarming expression and Joker swallowed the comment he was about to make concerning the mega-krogan.

"I can see that you've spoken to the Illusive Man commander," he said and nodded toward the blue orb. "That thing here filled me in about the mission."

"We've set a course for Horizon, Shepard," EDI said.

"Good," Shepard said, looking ahead. Joker didn't know all the details, but the commander's face told him that the news were troubling. While she always looked a bit nauseated after she spoke with the Illusive Man, this didn't look like disgust.

"You ok commander?" he asked.

"Peachy," she replied. "But I'll be better when I blow some collector heads off."

"You're so cute and cuddly when you're bloodthirsty Shepard. Like a baby varren."

"I'm not sure which part of this offends me more Joker," she said and put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing ever so lightly as she recalled the Illusive Man's words.

' _One of your former crew, Ashley Williams… She's stationed on Horizon.'_

Shepard wanted to see Ashley, but she knew the former gunnery chief wouldn't take kindly to her Cerberus connections. And even though Shepard's conscience was clear about it, imagining Ashley's reaction made her uncomfortable.

 _She's got to understand,_ she thought. _She knows we're at war._

Joker looked at her and she smiled, but it was a humorless one. He didn't like to see her like this, tired and frail. He wanted to do something, to somehow ease whatever distress she was feeling but he couldn't think of anything.

"I've been thinking about taking up bullfighting. What do you think?" he said, in an attempt to lighten the mood. _Bullfighting. Really? That's what you come up with right now?_

"I think it would be a sight to see," Shepard replied as the mental image of Joker in a matador costume, staring wide-eyed at a charging bull appeared in her mind.

"You are a cruel, cruel woman."

"What I meant was, I think you'd look good in tight pants and gold sequins," said Shepard, sniggering.

"Like I said. Cruel."

She let out a hearty laugh and gave him a brief side hug. _Only a gesture of camaraderie,_ she told herself, but let her hand linger on his shoulder until Horizon came into sight.

"Mordin's shields better work," she murmured as she turned around to leave. "Or our visit will be a very short one."

* * *

The shields worked, much to Mordin's amazement and everyone else's relief.

Soon after the ground team set foot on the colony and dealt with the initial group of collectors, Joker's barely readable voice came through the comm.

" _Commander, were getting….. ference…can't… tain…signal."_

"The collectors are disrupting the communications," said Garrus.

" _Damn tho…f…ss...les…"_ came again the pilot's voice before they lost the signal.

"Agreed," Shepard muttered as Jack sniggered behind her.

"He didn't sound amused," said Garrus. "But I am."

"Yeah, he hates when this happens," said the commander, smiling inwardly. "Anyway, we're on our own now. Let's move."

Jack, Garrus and Shepard made their way more or less safely to the settlements only to find the remaining colonists in some sort of stasis.

"We'll have to find a way to break their control if we're going to save these people," said Shepard as she led the way. _Husks. Collectors. Live victims. Why not just kill them if they simply want to destroy? Or turn them into husks?_

Whatever the reapers' plans were, Shepard knew it would be worse than anything she could imagine. The nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach kept growing until she was distracted by the weird looking weapon on a dead collector.

"Ooh, shiny..." she said and picked it up after scanning.

"Unless you're familiar with collector technology, take that thing away from my face?" Garrus said, drawing back.

"Don't worry Garrus, I wouldn't let anything to happen to your pretty face."

"I don't appreciate the sarcasm in your tone."  
"And here I was thinking of letting you play with it."

"Can we move on and find something to kill? I'm bored," Jack chimed in.

"All right, let's not piss off the crazy biotic," said Shepard and motioned them to move into the trailer on their left.

"More colonists in stasis," said Jack, disappointed.

"We need to get to the other side of the colony. There might be some people who got away."

"If Ashley's here, she might have gotten some colonists to safety," said Garrus, voicing Shepard's thoughts. He could feel her concern for their former squad mate and he too was concerned, maybe not for Ashley in particular but because his instincts were telling him that this was just a prelude of things to come.

They left the building and started moving towards a seemingly abandoned area, but Shepard halted the squad and signaled them to take cover when it got too quiet.

In a friction of a second, a group of collectors appeared out of nowhere.

Shepard was about to fire when her target levitated and hung in mid-air, enveloped in a blinding bright light.

"I AM ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL," said someone, or something.

"What the hell is that thing?"

"WE'RE YOUR ANNIHILATION."

"Well, there's your answer…"

"YOU WILL KNOW PAIN, SHEPARD."

"Um, friend of yours?"

"How many times do I have to tell you Jack? Shoot first!"

She cloaked and readied her rifle as Jack started glowing blue next to her.

"Or in your case, shockwave," she said before she aimed and fired.

* * *

"TAKE THAT YOU FUCKERS!" yelled Joker, making a victory spin in his chair as the collector ship retreated. "Not bad, EDI. Not bad."

"I'm glad you approve, Mr. Moreau."

"Hey, don't make me regret I said that," said Joker and returned his focus to the screen. The weak signal only allowed grainy frames, but it was enough for him to recognize the face streamed through Shepard's visor.

"Uh-oh."

"Is there a problem?" asked EDI.

" _Joker. Send a shuttle to pick us up,"_ said Shepard over the radio. "Aye aye," Joker replied and heard her mutter, _"I've had enough of this colony."_

"Maybe," he said, answering EDI's question.

A while after the ground team returned to the Normandy, Joker spun around in his seat to face the commander when he heard her footsteps.

"Hey commander. That's, uh, that's pretty crazy the people you can run into out there huh?" he said. "I mean, it was probably a set up or something, but it was still good to see Ash. Operations Chief Williams, wasn't it?"

"Another reminder of how I lost more than time. I don't need this garbage," said Shepard, looking through him.

"Right. Understood commander," said Joker. He hadn't expected it to be that bad. Whatever Ashley said to her must have pushed her buttons.

"If Chambers ask me how I feel one more time, I swear…" Shepard growled and sat down. "How are things here?" she asked, not really caring about the answer.

Joker was still complaining about EDI when Shepard got up again and let out a deep breath.

"Did I say something wrong commander?"

"What? No. I mean I don't know. I wasn't really listening, no offense."

"Not a happy reunion, I take it," he said.

Shepard tapped her balled up hand on the back of the co-pilot chair. "She heard the name 'Cerberus' and didn't listen to a word I said after that. You should have seen her face." She rubbed her left palm with her thumb. "Whatever," she said. "Like I said, I don't need this."

"You know, if you want to talk about it I bet Garrus would love to help you out," said Joker and regretted it right away. _Why would you say something like that now, why? Well, because I'm an emotionally constipated moron who doesn't know when to shut up and listen._

Shepard huffed through her nose. "No need to panic Joker. I know I'd be better off crying on the Illusive Man's shoulder than trying to have a heart to heart with you."

"I didn't mean it like that Shepard," he tried, "I was trying to make a joke about how much I suck at these things. And now I'm proving my point," he said, facepalming.

"I know Joker, it's what you do. You don't really think that I'm offended do you?" said Shepard and walked toward the door. "Besides, I meant it. The Illusive Man really was interested to the point of calling my feelings 'his business'. How about that huh?" She laughed. "Anyway, I have to go. By the way, that was impressive work EDI."

"Thank you, Shepard."

"See you later Joker."

"Commander…" called Joker after her, but she didn't hear him. Or pretended not to.

"Commander, you have unread messages at your private terminal. I've also uploaded the new dossiers," said Kelly as Shepard walked by.

"Thanks Kelly," she said and summoned the elevator. She could feel her staring, but she didn't turn around. She didn't want to talk, she wanted to break things.

She felt like she could go another round with Harbinger. "Harbinger eh?" she muttered, leaving the elevator and heading for the mess. _Now we have a name to go with the… Next giant synthetic pest. That son of a bitch powered up the collectors it took over like nobody's business._

When Sovereign had taken over Saren's body, he hadn't become half this powerful. _Upping the game in my absence, guys?_

Miranda's voice brought her back from her pondering.

"Commander."

"Miranda."

"This was a huge success for us," she said as they walked together to the galley. "I knew bringing you back was the right call."

"That's a lot of money spent for a single bait," said Shepard, reaching for the coffee. "Coffee?"

"Yes, thank you," said Miranda, holding out her cup. "You know that's not true commander," she said as Shepard poured the coffee. "The collectors—the reapers are interested in you for a reason. That reason is why you were brought back."

"Which is?" asked Shepard as they walked to the table. She sat down.

"You killed a reaper, Shepard," she replied, taking a seat next to her. "But that's not all. It's your conviction, your tenacity. Your ability to gather people and lead them. You represent something commander, and it's not a quality as easy to find as you'd think it would be." Miranda's voice was tainted with distaste. "That's the real threat to the reapers."

"I'm not the only one who wants to stop them," Shepard said. "It's just that there are only a handful of people who know what's coming."

"If it were someone else, I'd take this refusal to accept your worth as arrogance," said Miranda.

"I'm only doing my job, Miranda."

The XO let out a dry laugh. "Job," she repeated. "It's the very fact that you consider this _your job_ says it all." She pushed away her mug after taking a sip of the lukewarm coffee.

"Does it bother you?" asked Shepard, surprised that she didn't feel the apprehensive bubble growing in her gut which she usually did when she spoke to Miranda.

"Of course not," Miranda said. "But I would expect someone like you to be more proud of your accomplishments."

"I am proud," said Shepard, studying her face. _Someone like me?_ "What is this really about?"

"I suppose it's not easy to understand," she said. "Taking credit for your own actions is difficult when you're literally built for greatness, but _you_ were great before that."

 _Ah. So that's what this is,_ thought Shepard as the question mark which she'd placed next to Miranda in her mind dissipated.

"That's bullshit," she said. "So I'm random and you're not. So what? You are who you are regardless. You make your own decisions. If you don't blame your father for your failures, you shouldn't credit him for your successes either. You're neither his nor Cerberus' tool."

"I'm not sure I believe that," said Miranda. "But it's kind of you to say so."

"What you make of yourself with what you have, it's all that matters. You had an advantage, true. But for all I know, I could be the offspring of a genius or someone with perfect genetic makeup." She smiled with a faint shrug. "Albeit very unlikely."

"That's true," said Miranda, standing up.

"Which part?"

The XO gave her a slight smile. "Thanks for the talk commander. I should get back to my duties."

"Of course," said Shepard. "Talk to you later Miranda."

* * *

In her quarters, Shepard sat down sifting through the mission briefings until she saw the dossier: Tali. So the Illusive man wanted her to recruit Tali. She certainly had no objections.

Maybe another friendly face would help sooth down this growing appetite for violence she'd been feeling.

Shepard never shied away from a fight, and if she had to be honest, she'd always enjoyed it. She even missed fighting when things were too calm and seeking it out had been known to happen too.

But lately she'd started _needing_ to fight, which was unsettling. She craved that rush; it kept her going when nothing else could. It made her feel alive, and Shepard had to feel alive to stop her darkness from claiming her.

Too often she found herself listening to her heartbeat to make sure she wasn't dead before she could sleep. And too often that little void inside her soul threatened to take everything away once again.

She knew that she wanted to stop the reapers. She knew that she wanted to help the colonies. She knew she cared. But knowing something didn't always mean feeling it.

She and Garrus told each other that it was just like old times—a funny thing to say considering it wasn't really 'old times' for her at all—but the truth was, it didn't even come close.

Quid pro quo agreements and dealing with people who had their own agendas wasn't anything new; but she missed the Alliance and the straight chain of command.

She missed the simplicity of leading the people who were united for one goal; people who'd believed and trusted each other.

 _This has got to change,_ she thought, logging out of the terminal. _It_ is _just like the old times, only I have to start from scratch again. It is up to me to make them into a team. It is up to me to make them believe. I got Wrex to consider me as a friend for fuck's sake, and even Miranda is opening up. I just have to drop my baggage and focus._

She stood up and stretched, her objective clear. She had things to hold on to, this wasn't a day to lose the fight to her demons.

She was still mad at herself for letting Ashley judge her like she did, even madder for talking to Joker about it and pissed at the Illusive man for butting in; but she'd get over it. She always did.

"EDI?"

"Yes Shepard?"

"Tell Joker to set a course for Haestrom."

* * *

Joker stared at the screen in front of him which showed a frozen frame of an exploding geth colossus. He hit rewind and replayed the recording.

"There! Did you hear that? She's giggling! That thing almost disintegrated her, and she's giggling!"

"It is not unusual for adrenaline rush to cause euphoria Mr. Moreau," EDI explained.

"It's not that," he snapped, and turned off the screen as he heard Tali's voice.

"This is incredible," she said, admiring the ship. "I have to admit, they did an amazing job."

Joker tried to swivel the chair as Tali and Shepard approached.

"Damn it EDI, stop messing with the chair!" he said, turning around. "Hey Tali! Welcome back! Or… Whatever, you know what I mean."

"I know Joker. It's nice to see you again," said Tali, her smile audible in her voice. "Incredible," she repeated, looking around.

"Isn't it?" Joker agreed, beaming. "And leather—"

"Oh, give it a rest Moreau," Shepard cut in, making Tali chuckle.

"Fine," he bit out. "Hey, how's Jack?"

"She'll be fine. That destroyer managed to flank her right after she detonated her barrier. She crushed it like a tin can afterwards but got some second degree burns."

"That's it? Then why was she unconscious?"

"I tranqed her."

Joker stared and Tali stopped observing the cockpit and turned to her, both awaiting explanation.

"She kept charging on her own. I warned her twice," she said. "Fun awaits both of us when she wakes up."

"What kind of people are you working with Shepard?" asked Tali.

"She's not normally this unstable," said Shepard and Joker gave her a look.

"I meant she follows orders when we're on a mission," she corrected. "We'll know soon enough what that was about," she said with a sigh.

Joker turned to Tali.

"'Welcome back' makes sense _now_ , doesn't it?"

The quarian nodded thoughtfully.

"Come on Tali, let's get you settled in," said Shepard. "See you Joker."

"See you commander. Later, Tali," he said, staring after them.

 _Having Tali on board will help,_ he thought, hating himself a little for it.

 _He_ wanted to be close to Shepard, but he pushed her away. He wanted to be her friend again, but he wouldn't let her in. He wanted to be there when she needed, but he kept running away. He wanted to apologize to her, but…

He didn't believe he was ready to be forgiven.

He returned to the controls. "Got some pressure loss in the number-four hydrogen tank. Lock it down, EDI."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hi there. Yes, you, the beautiful person who made it this far. Would you mind providing some feedback? Am I boring you with all the non-Joker interaction? Is it maybe too much Shepard? Is it too dialogue driven? What about the grammar mistakes? (Not a native speaker) I love writing dialogues but I can't tell if it's too much. So I'd love to know what you think and maybe I can improve my writing (if it's within my range of abilities). This might end with me crying in a corner, but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm not planning to change the pace though, because, well, the moonlighting curse. People like me are the reason it exists. Sorry screenwriters, but I need my push and pull drama. Anyway, this turned out to be a long chapter; so enjoy, I hope.**

 **And thanks to all who's already taken the time to review, I'm amazed by how much it motivates me to keep going. (This is my first multi-chapter anything)**

 **Also the disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because creating my own is too much work.**

* * *

Shepard descended the stairs to the deck below engineering. Jack was up and about and hadn't had a violent outburst, which the commander couldn't decide was a good thing or bad.

The biotic was sitting on her bed expressionless with a datapad in her hand.

"Jack."

"Shepard," said Jack, without taking her eyes off the datapad.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't," she said in an uninterested voice. "I'm already over it. You get over it too and it's done."

Shepard looked down and let out an empty laugh. Then she lifted her head and stared until Jack was unsettled enough to put the datapad down and look at her. The commander fixed her eyes on the biotic's menacing ones.

"You fucking kidding me?" she asked. "Because you're so graciously not throwing a tantrum I'm supposed to let this go?"

Jack jumped to her feet in a flash and stood in front of Shepard, her face just a few inches from the commander's.

"Yeah," she said with a dangerous tilt of her head. "That's exactly what you should do."

Shepard's body tingled, caused by the faint biotic pulses Jack emitted.

"Stand down Jack," she commanded, but Jack didn't move, and a little smirk appeared on the woman's lips.

Shepard pulled herself up to her full height.

"For once in your life, use your brain and assess the situation Jack," she said. "You're on board a ship equipped with a Cerberus AI, filled with Cerberus operatives. Say you manage to take me down, and that's one risky bet, what then? You wanna get captured or die at the hands of Cerberus just because you're too proud or stubborn or crazy or stupid to back down?" She stared down at her as Jack clenched her fists.

"You keep talking about your instincts," Shepard went on with a gleam in her eyes which Jack recognized on a primal level. She'd seen the same gleam many times on many reflective surfaces. "What do your instincts tell you now?"

Jack's jaw tightened and she brought her fists to her chest as she drew back half an inch.

"You _will_ stand down, and you _will_ listen," Shepard growled.

Jack turned around with a furious, frustrated scream and unleashed her energy on the crates in the room. She sat on the bed as they flew, hit the bulkhead and thumped back to the floor.

"Fine, talk," she said, still angry and defiant; but Shepard could read the fear beneath the layers. Not fear from her or anybody on the ship; it was a fear rooted deeper than that and Shepard knew it well. She'd struggled in a similar way when she'd felt someone care about her for the first time.

She leaned against the table across the bed.

"You don't bring your bullshit to the battlefield," she began. "You don't act on your own. You don't needlessly risk your or your squad mates' lives. You follow orders. You pull something like this again Jack, and next time you won't be waking up in the med-bay."

"Who says there'll be a next time?" Jack asked, clinging to her stubborn rebellion; but the note of surprise made it to Shepard's ears. _She wants an answer._

"Were you planning to go somewhere?" Shepard asked. "You stay because you need to find something right? Has that changed?"

Jack shot a glance at the datapad next to her. "No," she bit out. She looked at the commander. "You need me that much for that mission of yours Shepard?" she asked. "Why don't you just give up, find someone else?"

"You're a part of my team," Shepard replied. "I'll fight for you as long as I can see a reason to."

Jack winced as if she was in pain. "Fuck you," she said, but her hostility was replaced with distrust. "It always comes down to what you can take."

"Maybe. But you can't expect to get if you're not willing to give," said Shepard and walked to the stairs. "And that goes both ways."

"Wait," Jack called after her as she was leaving. She stopped and turned around.

"I didn't think I'd get an apology out of you so soon," she said, a ghost of a grin on her lips.

"Don't push it boss-bitch," Jack spat. "It's the files. I've found something and now I can't sleep because I can't stop these thoughts in my head. Like little bugs, can't get them out."

"I'm listening," said Shepard.

Ten minutes later, she told Joker to set a course for Pragia.

* * *

It had been a calm couple of days after the Pragia incident, until Miranda had requested Shepard's assistance.

The Normandy waited at the docking bay on Illium while she watched the XO walk towards her sister.

Shepard didn't like to meddle in other people's personal affairs, but the desperation in Miranda's voice when she expressed her reluctance to meet Oriana was a cry for help if Shepard had ever heard one.

She needed a strong team for her quest and she used to think that people with nothing to lose made the best fighters, but she'd learned in time that in a war like this, people gave their best when they had something to hold on to.

When Miranda was done, she had a faint smile on her lips as she said "Thank you," with a softness Shepard didn't think she was capable of.

This was the ice queen, letting her guard down.

* * *

Back on the ship, Shepard was heading for the main battery for a chat with Garrus when she was interrupted by Joker's voice.

"Commander, Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a… Disagreement?" he said. "Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"

"I'll deal with it," she said.

"Take pictures."

* * *

Shepard rubbed her temples as Jack stormed out of Miranda's room. The situation wasn't ideal but at least it had improved from _'I'll smear the walls with you bitch'_ to _'I'll keep her alive so I can kill her myself later'_.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did," Miranda said as she sat at her desk. "As long as she does her job, we'll be fine. Thanks Shepard." She gave the loitering commander a look. "Was there something else you wanted to talk about?"

Shepard sighed. "First, let me tell you that I absolutely don't think what I'm about to say justifies Jack's actions," she said.

"Understood."

"I've been to the facility where Jack was kept."

"I'm aware, commander. But it was a faction that went rogue."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she cut in. "Miranda, you kidnapped your baby sister to save her from your father's clutches, and just recently you fought with everything you had so she could continue living a normal life. I assume you understand how precious 'normal life' can be, and so do I." Desperate rage shadowed her face. "Those kids at that facility were experimented on. They were abused. You get it right? _Tortured,_ Miranda. Any normalcy they'd known or would have known was stolen from them, brutally. Jack is a product of that ugly reality."

Miranda stayed silent as Shepard continued. "I don't condone letting my people of the hook when they fuck up because they'd had hard lives, that's not the point I'm trying to make. I just don't want _you_ to stand by something you know to be wrong out of spite. You're better than that," she said. "So maybe at least try a little empathy next time?"

"She doesn't make it easy Shepard," Miranda said, with what Shepard hoped to be the tiniest amount of regret in her voice.

"No, she doesn't," Shepard agreed. "But still."

* * *

"The pictures?" Joker asked.

"I didn't know you were into snuff," said Shepard. "If I'd let Jack and Miranda have a go at each other, it would be gory. Splattered internal organs gory."

"Hey, don't crush a man's dreams," he said, grimacing. "But good job talking them down. I thought Jack was doing better after the whole Pragia business but yeah, I guess I'll keep that pistol under my pillow. That woman is volatile."

Shepard sat down. "Jack is a child," she said, as if talking to herself. "A child with a deadly weapon in her hands, who sees no reason not to use it and has zero impulse control to top it off." She turned to the pilot. "You know, when you think about how bad you had it? There's always someone who's had it worse."

"All the more reason to keep the pistol," Joker said. Shepard didn't talk about her past, ever. This was the most he'd gotten from her. He knew she was an orphan who never knew her parents, and her shady past involved a gang, but Joker didn't give a shit. He didn't need to know her past to know the woman, or to admire her.

"Well, we still have an assassin on our 'to recruit' list," Shepard said, reverting to her usual teasing voice. "Not to mention the asari justicar whose understanding of justice might be somewhat different than ours."

"Got it. I'll stop by the armory for some grenades," said Joker. "So Miranda didn't have any problems with you letting Jack stay?"

"Miranda understands this mission is far more important than any personal grudge," said Shepard, causing Joker to turn to her with an inquiring expression.

"What?"

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"I don't know what you mean," she said, looking away.

"Bullshit! I _knew_ I saw the corners of her mouth curl upwards today when you were talking to her. What did you do?"

"Settle down Joker, I'm sure it was just a muscle twitch. Miranda's still the ice queen we all know and love."

"There's more to it isn't there? You said something to her. You made her like you!" said Joker with horror.

"I did no such thing!" objected Shepard. "I just made an effort to get to know her better and the rest followed," she continued guiltily. "She's not that bad," she added.

"I knew it," Joker said. "So you're friends now? Any slumber parties or pillow fights in the near future? Is there a chance Kelly might join you? Just say the word and I'll place the order for silk nighties."

"That's it; I'm restricting your extranet access."

"I can't believe you. Jack uses that sickening affectionate tone when she hurls expletives at you, Jacob's already a fanboy, Gabby's gone cross-eyed from rolling her eyes at Donnelly every time he speaks about how you beat him at Skyllian five, Kasumi follows you around when she thinks nobody notices, even Zaeed doesn't fuck with you and now _Miranda_?"

"What can I say, I'm charming."

Joker snorted. "You're batshit crazy, that's what you are. With a batshit crazy magnet."

"That certainly explains why you're here," Shepard quipped.

"You never miss a chance, do you?"

"I just can't resist it."

Joker smiled wide as he reclined in his seat, looking at her. "Never thought I'd ask this, but don't we have work to do?" he asked.

Shepard mimicked his position in the co-pilot seat. "We'll stay a while longer," she said. "I'm going to see Liara again."

Joker perked up. "That's good, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Shepard. "Yeah. Sure it is." She sighed. "She's changed."

Joker fixed his eyes on the console as he said, "We all have, commander."

Shepard clenched and released her left hand to ease the numbness that always came attached to her emotional pain. Joker's words hurt her in a strange way as she realized she'd never be able to understand what they had to go through in the last two years.

They'd changed, because people changed after a tragedy.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and Joker's breath got stuck in his throat. He wanted to scream at her for apologizing, for dying, for making him feel this way. He swallowed hard and tapped on the armrests.

"You know what pisses me off?" he said. "Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."

Shepard chuckled as she stood up. "No wonder why Mordin's so keen on dissecting your brain," she said. "See you Joker."

"See you commander," he said, his bottled up frustration choking him.

* * *

"So Liara's still not coming," said Garrus, relaxing on the sofa at the port observation.

"She's not," Shepard replied.

"I thought she'd be the first to jump at the chance to be with you again," said Tali next to her.

"I can't expect people to drop everything just because I'm resurrected. Two years is a long time, priorities change."

The quarian hung her head. "I wanted to come with you when I saw you on Freedom's Progress," she began, but Shepard cut her off.

"Tali, you're here now," she said. "You came when you could, what more can I ask for?" She rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm sure Liara has her reasons too."

"Guess you're right," said Garrus. "But going after the Shadow Broker? What has she gotten herself into?"

"There's no talking her out of it, so all I can do is help with whatever she needs." She grinned. "Besides, I have you guys here."

"I don't like that look Shepard. What is it?" Garrus asked.

"What do you say to visiting another old friend?"

"You mean…"

"Grunt has some issues that need resolving and I've heard that Wrex is on Tuchanka."

"I haven't seen him for such a long time," Tali said with a quick glance at Garrus.

"Yeah, neither have I. It might be interesting," he said. "And I bet Joker will love that."

"He might try to hide it but I think he has a soft spot for Wrex," said Shepard.

"No. No, you're confusing Wrex with Liara."

Shepard laughed and reclined in the sofa, twirling her drink.

Garrus leaned forward, putting his elbows on his thighs. "I've heard what you did for Miranda," he said. "And Jack before that. You're going out of your way for your crew again. Just like old times."

"Don't make it sound so altruistic Garrus," Shepard said in a lower voice. "I'm doing it because I need to make these people mine." She winked at them. "I know from firsthand experience that it works."

"And it provides you with more asses to kick," Garrus pointed out.

"That too."

Garrus got up to fix himself a drink. "You want one Tali?" he asked. The quarian shook her head as he went behind the bar.

Tali turned to Shepard. "I was concerned when you told me you weren't undercover Shepard," she began. "I can't say I like the idea of having an AI on the ship and Cerberus watching us but…"

"But?"

"I'm really glad that you're alive," she said. "And I trust you."

"You know it's mutual."

"I've heard about Ashley. Garrus told me you guys met on Horizon. How are you feeling?"

Shepard looked at her glass. "Better than ever," she said, downing her scotch. "We have a bar."

She moved to the bar and took a seat. Tali followed, frowning at her evasiveness.

"Hey Garrus?" Shepard said.

"Hm?"

"I know you said you weren't bothered by Cerberus rebuilding me. But do you think everyone feels that way?"

Garrus turned his attention to her. "Are we talking about someone in particular?"

Shepard huffed through her nose. "We've established that Ashley isn't very happy about it," she said. "But yeah, I'm talking about Joker."

Tali turned in her seat to face her while Garrus' eyes widened with disbelief.

"Joker?" asked Tali. "Why would—"

"Are you kidding me?" Garrus interrupted. "He's the last person who'd be bothered by that. I still believe he does a happy dance every time he thinks about how he got you back."

Shepard couldn't help picturing the pilot dancing and shook her head smiling. "I know he's glad that I'm back, though I suspect he's happier about the Normandy." Her smile faded. "It's just…" _He's all there one minute and the next he's avoiding my gaze._ "Nah," she said. "You're right."

She stood up. "It's settled then. We're going to Tuchanka," she declared.

"Can't wait."

"I'll leave you guys to catch up," she said, patting Tali's shoulder. "I'll go give Grunt the good news."

She walked to the door and turned to the other side of the room.

"By the way, Kasumi, I know you're there," she said before leaving, and Garrus and Tali turned around to see the uncloaked thief on the sofa waving at them, utterly unembarrassed.

* * *

Kelly Chambers observed the reactions of the crew with an unsure smile as Shepard walked by. These people were handpicked for the Normandy, and they all respected the commander's name to begin with. But the yeoman was trained to see what most people wouldn't bother to look for; and from small gestures to subtle body language cues she was noticing the growing influence. _The Illusive Man will be pleased,_ she thought as Shepard stepped onto the platform next to her and brought up the galaxy map. "Joker, set a course for Tuchanka," said the commander through the comm, and heard the loud exhale before the unenthusiastic 'aye aye'.

* * *

"Then Grunt started yelling, 'I am krogan!' and just headbutted the sucker. He should have known better than to mess with our little guy! Figuratively speaking."

"We faced a thresher maw. On foot. You killed it," said Miranda, impressed but still a little in shock.

"You should have taken me," complained Jack. "Now I have to add that to my 'to kill' list."

"Well it wasn't the first time for me, and I doubt it'll be the last. You can ask Garrus or Tali."

"Yep. For Shepard it becomes a bit personal when it comes to thresher maws. Something about Cerberus experiments…" said Garrus, shooting Miranda and Jacob a sideways glance.

Shepard looked down and rubbed her palm with her thumb. Jack's muscles tensed and her nostrils flared as she gave Miranda the evil eye, but Miranda was too focused on Shepard to notice.

Realizing the mistake of speaking about the Cerberus' questionable acts around Jack; Garrus cleared his throat and continued with a more cheerful tone. "I would have preferred to stay in the mako but no, she likes to finish off those giant worms that can melt you where you stand _face to face_."

Shepard lifted her head again and grinned. "Stop whining, you loved every minute of it. Anyway, I was telling you about the rite. You guys should have seen how those idiots scattered like pyjacks when Grunt started running towards them—"

"Aw, look at you bragging like a proud mama," said the approaching Joker and stood behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm not! Shut up," she protested as she turned her head to look at him.

"You totally were," agreed Jack, relaxed. She got up to leave. "See you losers later."

Miranda and Jacob too stood up. Miranda looked at Shepard and began, "Commander…", but decided against saying what she'd planned to say. "We've got work to do," she said instead as her expression returned to its familiar stony state.

"Do you think it's a coincidence Joker?" Garrus asked. "You arriving and everyone leaving?"

"No, it just means that I've conditioned them well. I'm not sure what went wrong with you though," he replied and headed for the galley to pick up a tray.

"Actually, I've started feeling the urge to recalibrate the guns."

Joker smiled as he limped back to the table. To his own amazement, he was enjoying the turian's company more and more each day.

"Shepard, earlier… I didn't mean to bring up Akuze like that."

"I know Garrus. Don't worry about it. Sometimes I forget that we're working with Cerberus too," she said.

"Yeah," Garrus said distantly. He looked at Joker who'd just put his tray on the table and sat down. "Ok. I'll go calibrate now. See you later."

After he left, Shepard turned to Joker.

"So, are you enjoying Tuchanka yet Joker?"

The helmsman raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, yes! Nothing like the rubble and dust, the vast dull grayness filled with angry krogan. It's like a dream come true isn't it commander? I'm even thinking of building a hut here, for retirement." He gave her an accusing look. "Seriously though, when are we leaving? I know you can't get enough of Wrex, and that monster that follows you around but can we go? Please?"

"Urz is not a monster. He's smart, loyal and he's cute," said Shepard.

"He's a varren," Joker said. "How cute can it be?"

"Cuter than you are when you make that face."

"Oh that's nice. Resorting to insults."

"You started it when you insulted Urz." Shepard frowned. The adrenalin from Grunt's rite was almost gone. "Why are you even complaining? You never leave the Normandy anyway."

"I see what you see Shepard. It's not pretty," he retorted.

"You don't have to. EDI can do fine on her own," she said with a devilish grin.

"You take that back," Joker hissed. "Or I'll take you up on what you just said. That'll wipe that smirk off your face." He leaned forward. "You need my frantic voice, remember?" he said.

Shepard's grin turned into a lopsided smile. The man had a good memory.

"That I do," she said with a fake sigh. "To answer your question," she went on, "We'll stay a bit longer. Get out and enjoy the sights while you can Joker, since you love it here so much. I'll even have Urz escort you. Consider it a gift."

"God I hope you don't know my birthday. Why are we staying? I thought we were going back to Illium?"

"The justicar can wait. I need to take care of something for Mordin first. We'll take a truck to some old hospital at 1600 hours."

"Um, I thought the place crawled with blood pack mercs. And probably some not so friendly krogans. You sure you don't need some rest first Shepard? Have you even been to the med bay yet?"

Shepard leaned forward and squinted. "Dr. Chakwas? Is that you in there?"

"Shit, I really should spend less time in the med bay. I think her attitude is starting to rub off on me," said Joker, laughing.

"I should go," said Shepard, getting up. "And I have been to the med bay. You know better than I do how the doc gets."

"All right, see you commander."

"I'll be fine," added Shepard, feeling the need to convince him—or herself.

"I know you will," said Joker, seemingly busy with his tray.

But he _was_ concerned. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he sensed something was off. She was too lively for a person who'd been fighting non-stop and preparing for a suicide mission. He didn't know how to help her or whether she even needed help.

At least she seemed to dismiss his stupid comment after Horizon.

He sighed as she walked away; remembering the moment when they'd met at the Minuteman station for the first time after she'd woken up. He had relived that memory dozens of times in his mind since then; their arms around each other, her hair grazing his neck… And he'd known for a while now that his feelings for Shepard exceeded the limits of friendship, but he'd gotten so used to ignoring that particular aspect of life, he didn't know what to do with it.

The few relationships—ones that could be considered serious—he'd had after his graduation took too much effort, his disability made sure of that. While he'd never had too much trouble getting a woman to like him when he wanted to, the trouble was maintaining a relationship, not starting one.

So how the hell could he go after someone like _her?_ Especially when he was still having a hard time looking her in the eye?

But if he did and if by some miracle the stars aligned the right way and she felt the same, could they make it work? And if they couldn't, would they be able to bounce back from it?

 _Maybe it would be better if I start small_ , he thought. _Not dodging her questions about the last two years and not trying to navigate all our conversations to a shallow end might be of help, for example._

 _I'll talk to her;_ he lied to himself, _when this is all over._

* * *

"The surviving races will frighten their children with tales of what the Blood Pack did to the turians!"

"Do it Shepard," Zaeed said.

"But he was gonna let us go," Shepard protested in a sympathetic voice.

"The asari will scream as their Citadel plunges into the sun! We will keep salarians as slaves and eat their eggs as a delicacy!"

Shepard shot a glance at her appalled salarian squad mate.

Zaeed made an urging gesture. "They're preparing to attack," he said.

"Yes they are. But he's captivating," she said, causing the mercenary to groan. "Oh, ok."

"If you lack the wisdom to flee—"

"You talk too much," said Shepard, shooting at the gas pipe below the platform.

"See? The human cannot even hit a single target!" said the Weyrloc Clan speaker and Shepard fired again.

* * *

After the showdown with Maelon; Shepard, Tali and Garrus said their goodbyes to Wrex and regrouped with Zaeed, Mordin and Grunt by the shuttle.

"Did you find what you were looking for Mordin?" Garrus asked on their way to the Normandy.

The salarian sighed, looking a little less distressed than he did five minutes ago. "Not what I expected, but a problem needed solving nonetheless. We solved it," he said.

"You did clan Urdnot a big favor," Grunt said. "To my clan," he added.

"Yeah, these two goddamn pyromaniacs had a field day with Weyrloc Blood Pack," said Zaeed, nodding to Mordin and Shepard.

"Oh, did you finally find a stable fire-tech for your savant?" Tali asked. "She sulked for days when we couldn't optimize the accuracy two years ago," she explained to the others.

"Gotta love old friends," Shepard grumbled and she recalled Maelon's guilt and desperation as he called Mordin out. _Causing suffering to ease suffering,_ she thought. Losing oneself in the big picture was as dangerous as trying to fix all the details in the smaller one. _Everyone needs a guidepost._

She looked at Mordin's calm face as the shuttle landed in the hangar bay. _Does he still stand by his actions or does he have his doubts,_ she wondered. That salarian was one tough nut to crack.

* * *

Joker was in the med-bay waiting for Dr. Chakwas' return when Shepard barged in.

"Hey doc, Wrex sends his regards," she said as she entered. "'That woman knew how to hold her liquor'," she went on with her best Wrex impression and lifted her head to see Joker looking at her like he'd just found a million credits.

"You make a pretty good Wrex commander," he said, grinning ear to ear.

Shepard pursed her lips with a slow nod. "It had to be you," she said, feeling her face get warmer as she looked at him and sat on the bed across from the one he was sitting. "So, what brings you here?"

"Routine scans and treatment follow-ups," said the pilot. "Dr. Chakwas should be back in a minute, so I wouldn't mind if you'd like to stay and wait, maybe do a hanar impression?"

"You're gonna tell everyone aren't you?"

"And I'll exaggerate," said Joker happily.

Shepard laughed and tilted her head. "By the way, I think it's getting a little bit chilly in here," she said, looking at his shirtless torso which had a few electrodes stuck to it.

Joker looked down at his chest, then squinted at her. "Hey, eyes up here Shepard," he said. "But I sympathize," he added with his trademark smug look.

"Mm-hmm," she replied with less mockery than the pilot had expected. Shepard had her share of living in close quarters and lack of privacy like most soldiers, but sitting face to face with a half-naked Joker still felt intimate. He had his cap beside him on the bed, which made things worse because she found herself wishing she could just walk to him, run her fingers through his hair and— _What the hell Riley_ , she scolded herself before her imagination ran too wild. She huffed, looking at the overhead and scratched her hair.

Joker smiled as Shepard tried and failed to smooth her wild red hair with her fingers. He could name more than a few things he found attractive about her, but her hair had to be the commander's most eye-catching feature. Especially now that it was shorter, it tended to get fluffier; giving her a bit of a mad scientist look.

His smile disappeared as he noticed the color matched her fading scars.

"Shepard, I—" he began, but the door opened and Dr. Chakwas entered. He exhaled, annoyed but relieved.

"Oh, hello commander," said the doctor and bent down to check her screen. "You're all set Jeff."

"Hi doc," said Shepard, prying her eyes off the helmsman who took the electrodes off to put his shirt on.

"Ready when you are."

The doctor activated her omni tool and Joker got up. "See you both later," he said as Dr. Chakwas prepared to scan Shepard.

"Commander, don't forget to relay Wrex' message," he added before he left the room and let out an evil laugh as he heard Dr. Chakwas' stern tone.

 _"Try to stay still Shepard."_


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because I can. I can, right? Bioware?**

* * *

Patience comes in many different forms, and even when it doesn't occur naturally, it can be learned by practice or acquired through willpower.

Jeff Moreau was the living proof of that statement. The sort of patience he possessed came from his unending struggle with life, from having to work hard for everything that came so naturally to others. But Jeff Moreau didn't like being a patient man, nor did he want to be one. He'd simply always had to.

When he'd decided that he wanted to be a helmsman for example, he was aware that it would take more than talent for him. It would take conviction, persistence and it would take a whole lot of patience; towards the people around him, but most importantly, towards himself. After all, he was the boy with brittle bones in a universe full of medical miracles.

Having to constrain himself from rushing had its benefits and made him the strong willed person that he was, but not without taking its toll on his personal life. As time passed by, he became more and more dependent on knowing where he stood, shying away from surprises in favor of control.

A ship responded exactly the way one would expect it to, provided that one knew it inside out.

People however, were unpredictable.

* * *

Joker woke up well before the morning watch and headed for the mess. He liked to have the first coffee of the day by himself, when the ship was at its most silent.

The peace and calm he felt vanished when he saw there was already someone sitting at the table. He thought of turning back, but his need for caffeine outweighed his desire for solitude. As he approached, he noticed the red hair attached to a certain commander's head, resting on her arms.

"Hey commander," he called, but realized that she was sound asleep.

He walked closer and stood next to her, looking at her face. Her cheek was pressed against her arm and a lock of her hair was touching her nose, making it twitch.

Joker swept the hair off her face, forgetting how alert she could get in a second and break his arm, but she didn't wake up. He walked over to the counter, made some coffee and poured two cups. He placed the cups on the table and sat next to her. He crossed his arms, leaned back and watched her as her nose reacted to the smell.

With her eyes half-open, Shepard lifted her head and tried to reach for the cup.

"Morning sunshine," said Joker, handing her the cup.

"Morning," she replied, straightened her back and let out a satisfied sigh after taking a sip from the coffee. "What time is it?"

"Early. What are you doing sleeping here anyway?"

She yawned and stretched. "I came here to get some coffee after my workout couple hours ago. The next thing I know, coffee came to me." She smiled. "Thank you."

"Your workout?" asked Joker. "Just when do you sleep Shepard?" He paused. "You do sleep, don't you?"

"Yes Joker, and I believe you've just witnessed it."

"You know what I mean," said Joker and put his elbows on the table, supporting his head with one fist. He gazed at her as she took another sip from her cup. When she turned to him, his eyes were focused on his coffee mug. She huffed.

"I've been having some trouble sleeping. But _please_ don't start talking about how I neglect taking care of myself and so on; I have enough mothers on this ship, EDI being one of them."

"EDI? Damn thing picks on me every chance it gets, but it coddles you?"

"Oh, would you like to be coddled? I'll be sure to let her know."

"Don't you dare commander, or I'll tell everyone that you were mumbling my name in your sleep."

"What? No I wasn't?" _Was I?_

"Well, you'll never know," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes. Shepard pretended to yawn to drown the girly sigh she felt coming.

"So, you brought home an asari this time huh?" asked Joker. "She is nothing like Liara, I'll give you that."

"No, she isn't," agreed Shepard. "But Liara isn't what she used to be either. In any case, Samara is an exceptional biotic. She'll be a great asset to the team."

"Speaking of biotics," Joker said with a wide smile, "Tali told me about the volus you encountered. She also said you prevented him—what was it—ascending to godhood?"

"Oh yeah, the biotic god!" Shepard exclaimed, recalling the delusional volus high on red sand. "What was I supposed to do, let the idiot charge off like that? Biotic god!" she repeated, laughing. "Sorry you had to miss that. They should put him in the next Blasto vid."

"You surprise me commander, I always thought you were this cold hearted scary super soldier. Who knew you could show mercy?"

"Well I guess we were both wrong Joker, I used to think you were an advanced auto pilot unit."

"Ouch, that hurt," he said, grinning. "So what changed?"

Shepard looked right at him. "Kaidan," she said.

Joker's grin disappeared as he looked away. "Yeah," he muttered. "That was a tough one." He drummed his fingers on the table. "You knew he had a major crush on you right?"

Shepard gave him a sad smile. "I knew," she said.

"Huh."

They stopped talking and drank their coffee for a while, until Shepard broke the silence.

"I've been meaning to ask you something Joker," she said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. What is it about my forehead that you find so fascinating?" *****

"Wha?"

"Every time you look at me, you fix your eyes there and you squint like you're trying to see into my brain!"

Joker brought his mug to his lips. "I don't know commander, maybe it's the scars," he muttered and took a gulp of coffee. "They glow sometimes you know. It's kinda scary."

"Cut the crap Moreau!" Shepard exploded, startling the helmsman. "Or I swear I'll unleash Chambers upon you. Why can't you look me in the eye?"

Joker took a deep breath and let it out. _Shit._ He looked around, hoping to see someone approaching but they were alone. He was cornered.

He stared into his mug. _Ok,_ he thought. _This has been long time coming._ _The moment of truth._

"I know you killed a lot of people commander," he began. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make light of it. But I don't think you ever got someone you cared about killed because you were being a stubborn jackass." He took his cap off and put his head in his hands as he continued. "And even if you had, I'm fairly certain you didn't see that person after mourning them for two years. In flesh and blood. Every day." He lifted his head halfway and rubbed his right forearm. Then he looked at her, his shoulders shaking with a manic laughter. "But here you are, acting like nothing ever happened, talking to me like I didn't cost you two years of your life!"

Shepard could only stare.

"You think you're the reason I got spaced?" she managed at last.

" _I_ was the one who refused to abandon ship Shepard. You came back for _me._ "

"Yes Joker. _I_ came back for you. Did you ask me to? No! It was my damn decision! And as I recall it was the collectors who destroyed our ship, and you held her together long enough for a lot of people to make an escape."

"That's the thing!" snapped Joker, his eyes wide open. "I didn't even think about the people Shepard, I just wanted the Normandy to make it." His lips curled in disgust.

Shepard's face softened. "You once told me that Normandy was the best thing that ever happened to you. You wanted to hang on, I get it. I don't blame you for anything."

"Well I blame me," he said. "And you! I was perfectly happy with what I had before you came along with the responsibility of saving the fucking galaxy on your shoulders and made me a part of it! You got me hooked on all those fuzzy feelings of heroism and badassery, and bam! There I was, mourning these things that I didn't even care about before I met you. It wasn't right, you dying and me surviving… It wasn't right."

"There was no right or wrong! In what possible universe would I have left you behind Jeff? Especially after having to leave Kaidan on Virmire like that? And do I need to remind you, putting aside all the times you saved my ass, that you deserve as much credit as I got for defeating Saren? I couldn't have done it without you." She put her hand on his forearm.

"Is that why you joined Cerberus?" she asked. "Guilt?"

Joker swallowed as a part of him frantically thought of ways to deflect the question. His answer could open more doors than he was comfortable with. _How can I just say it?_ he thought. _It was all for you._

"I was a mess," he said. "I couldn't forgive the Alliance for failing you. I couldn't…" He held the hand on his arm.

"And then Cerberus came on the scene like a creepy cult leader, going 'Hi, Joker is it? So _we think_ the collectors are working for the reapers. Yes, we believe they exist. _Just like Shepard did._ Oh, and we have cookies.'" He clutched her hand as if he was afraid she'd disappear. "So I joined, and I stayed. I owed it to you."

"And they had cookies," said Shepard, but couldn't get him to smile. "Joker, even if it had been your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about _now,_ " she said. "I'm alive. I'm fine. I'm here."

" _But you weren't!_ Do you have any idea how it felt; stepping out of that damn pod and having to explain that you didn't make it? To try to come to terms with it when the Council was all 'reapers? we didn't see any reapers?' Everything you'd built fell apart and none of us could stop it." He inhaled and continued. "Watching them put you back together was no picnic either. Yeah, it turned out fine but I could have done without the suspense." He paused, gulping. "And the cherry on top was all the while knowing none of it would have happened, if only I'd stopped being a selfish asshole and seen reason two minutes sooner."

"It might not have happened if I couldn't find my favorite visor that morning and taken a detour! For fuck's sake Jeff, delving into hypothetical scenarios? You're right, I can't imagine how it'd been for any of you, but will it make you feel better if I said it was your fault? What can I do to bring you back from this?"

Joker raised his head and looked into her eyes. "I'd just wanted to say I'm sorry," he said. "So why do I feel like the damsel in distress all over again?"

Shepard tried to put the words in her mind in an order so they would make sense, but anything she came up with seemed weak, and they wouldn't do justice to what she wanted to express.

"I—"

"I don't want to be saved Riley. You're the one who always tries to carry all the weight. I want to be there for you when _you_ need saving. And I don't just mean whisking you away from danger zones. From anything." _From anything?_ he thought, inwardly cringing. _God damn it, where do all those fancy words go when you need them?_

Shepard gave him a tiny grin. "Anything?" she asked. "Like spiders?"

Joker raised a brow. "Is this a trick question?" he said, an easy smile spreading across his face. "You're not afraid of spiders."

"No I'm not," she said as her grin grew. "But how do you even know this?"

"Not sure," he said, failing to remember. "Must have come up at some point."

"Oh, I know," said Shepard, her face brightening. "It was when you'd tried to put up Halloween decorations! You know, the time we ended up with some sad spiders in the mess and a lone, awkward bat hanging from the overhead in the cockpit?" She chuckled. "It was awful."

"Well, who refused to approve the budget?"

"Who insisted on using paper when there was the free option of virtual decorations? Seriously, stop watching those old movies. They're influencing you in a weird way."

Joker laughed and reclined in his seat. "Tali did not like those spiders. At all."

"And Liara? She actually did a research on the tradition because she just couldn't understand how pumpkins associated to the dead."

"Pumpkins," Joker said, trying to suppress his laughter. "Didn't Garrus tell you that your head kinda looked like one?"

Shepard squinted at him. "It's the color, not the shape!" she exclaimed. "And he thought he was complimenting me. I think." She sniggered. "He even thanked me when I told him he looked like a cockatoo in return. He was quite happy until Tali pulled up an image."

"You're evil."

"I know," she said with a half smirk. "Fun times. And Wrex was really into the whole Halloween thing."

"You might be confusing Wrex with Ash," said Joker.

Shepard's face turned pensive upon hearing the name. "Yeah," she uttered as Joker mentally kicked himself.

"Way to sour the mood Williams," said the commander. "Those were the days, huh?"

"I could try to carve a pumpkin if it'd make you feel any better?" said Joker.

Shepard put a hand on his shoulder. "Joker," she said with a solemn expression. "That would make me feel better under any circumstances."

He stopped smiling and looked at her, and Shepard felt a pleasant unease under his gaze.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm sorry I got you killed," he said without taking his eyes off hers.

Shepard slid her hand from his shoulder to his arm. "I forgive you," she said, and the weight of Joker's guilt left his chest with these words as the commotion of the morning watch began in the background.

* * *

Shepard walked to the CIC with a giddy energy.

"Commander," Kelly greeted her.

"Morning Kelly. Is everything in order?"

"Garrus received some news that put fire in his eyes. You might want to speak to him," said the yeoman.

"Got it," Shepard said. "I'll go check up on him now."

* * *

' _An eye for an eye, a life for a life. He owes me ten lives.'_

Shepard had never seen Garrus like this before. There _was_ fire in his eyes, but feeding it vengeance wouldn't make that kind of fire go out. It would only help it grow and burn him from inside out.

 _You can't kill him ten times, Garrus._

"I'm coming with you. Let's do this."

* * *

At the factory district in the Citadel; Shepard, Garrus and Jack didn't even bother to take cover to take out the last two mechs Harkin sent them. After dealing with two YMIR mechs, Shepard found it somewhat funny that he'd think these LOKI's would be able to stop the squad.

Jack's shockwave dropped the mechs on their metallic asses as Shepard and Garrus walked ahead, finishing them off as they made their way to the door.

It was even funnier that Harkin thought he could get away without cooperating.

But Garrus attacking him without restraint, Shepard didn't find funny at all, even though she didn't stop him. She didn't want to stand in his way every step of the road. She was saving it for the time when it would matter the most.

"What'd I ever do to you?" whined the former C-Sec as he bled on the floor.

"Before or after the heavy mechs you had attack us?" Shepard said and turned to Garrus, leaving the wounded man for C-Sec to pick up. "I think the shock affected his memory."

But Garrus didn't make a sound as he walked beside her.

"Garrus, you're scaring me."

"Right," he said, cold and dry.

"I'm serious. You're acting like your evil twin."

This got a little reaction from the turian, but he zoned out again fast. He was so close to avenging his men, to putting an end to the traitor. Sidonis' face appeared in his mind, from the times they used to eat, drink, laugh and fight together. His rage grew hotter inside him, becoming harder to contain. He gave out a loud exhale as he marched on, leaving Shepard to pause and look at him. Jack caught up to her.

"Let him do what he needs to," she said. "Worked for me."

Shepard huffed and resumed walking. _It worked for_ you _,_ she thought. _It might not for him._

* * *

 _And it comes to this,_ Shepard thought, betraying her friend's trust to protect his betrayer. That was how Garrus would see it anyway. _I can live with him being angry with me._

"Don't do it Garrus," she said. "Look at him. There's nothing left to kill."

"Get out of the way Shepard," the turian hissed as the commander stood between him and his prey. "I don't give a damn about how he _feels_. He has to die."

"And it'll all be sunshine and rainbows after you _murder_ him?

"I owe it to them," said Garrus in a low, dangerous growl and Shepard wondered in all seriousness if he'd shoot through her to get Sidonis in a momentary lapse.

She turned around, and Garrus saw the tiny red dots in her blue-gray eyes glinting through the scope.

"Ok," she said, without moving from her position. "Do whatever you want." Sidonis hung his head in a despondent surrender, but Shepard continued through gritted teeth. "But don't insult me or the memory of your men by saying you're doing this for them, because we both know you're doing it for you and for you only. Vengeance is selfish Garrus, dress it up all you want in honor and justice."

She took a step to the left, letting Garrus have a clear shot.

Garrus' finger on the trigger twitched. Sidonis wasn't trying to run. He stood in his sight like a sacrifice waiting to be slain, his vacant eyes meeting his executioner's as his lips formed some words Garrus couldn't hear, but could guess. He felt his hatred receding, taken over by disgusted pity.

"Just… go," he said. "Tell him to go."

* * *

When Shepard entered her quarters, she was itching for a fight. The trip back to the Normandy had been tense to say the least, and Garrus hadn't even looked at her when he'd said he needed some time alone.

 _What right did I have,_ she thought, _to deny him his vengeance?_ _To manipulate him to the point where he couldn't pull the trigger? Me, of all people._

She'd recognized that blind fury that had seized Garrus. She had lived with it, picked her target to blame for it and took a life for the first time because of it.

But Garrus was different. His target had been the right one, and he'd killed before.

 _Did I stop him to atone for my own sin?_

She walked to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. She looked in the mirror, studying her reflection. Some of the scars were still there.

 _No. I couldn't risk it. This way of killing is something else entirely. I couldn't risk this change him, tear away something that he'd never get back._ _Not him._

She stepped out of the bathroom and looked at the huge fish tank, her bed, the ridiculous couches and all the other needless luxury. _This is not what I strive for,_ she thought, touching the reminders of her reconstruction on her face. _My penance isn't over yet._

She sat down, going over the available missions. She needed to get her mind off this, and move forward as quickly as possible. _The reapers won't sit around waiting for me to get over my past traumas._

"EDI?"

The AI's holographic image appeared at the terminal. "Yes Shepard?"

"Tell Joker to set a course for Zorya."

"Understood commander."

* * *

 ***** Why, hello there Morrigan's nose.

 **A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I'm also open to criticism, just so you know. Or am I? I don't know. Lots of daddy issues there haha. Btw, I know I've mentioned this before, but if anyone's interested in Riley Shepard's backstory it's there in "I'll see the stars." That story sits there like that bat in the cockpit :) (I'm not fishing for reviews for that one, it's just sometimes I make little references to it. Nothing crucial though.)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to see where they'll take me.**

* * *

Zaeed's face was red with rage as he stormed through the hangar bay, heading for the elevator.

"I'm going after him!" he yelled.

Shepard was trying to keep up with him. The crew scattered to the sides as they passed through.

"You're not going anywhere!" she yelled back. "We had a deal!"

"I only made that deal to get Vido! Did I get Vido?"

"You brought this on yourself!" she said through gritted teeth as she entered the elevator after him.

When the muffled shouts died away, Jack got off the shuttle, taking her time as she cracked her neck and knuckles before she called the elevator back.

Inside the starboard cargo, the yelling continued. " _You_ ," hissed Shepard, pointing her finger to Zaeed's face, "Almost killed all those people! Almost blew the whole place up! I wasn't just going to leave them to die because you needed your revenge!"

"Oh yeah, cause you're such a saint Shep," said Zaeed, walking to his desk. "But you're right about one thing, it was my own damn fault." He picked up Jesse; his old rifle; and caressed it before putting it down.

"I don't let innocent people die if I have another choice Zaeed," she said, turning her back and inspecting the makeshift dartboard on the bulkhead.

"Yeah?" said Zaeed in a mocking tone as he approached her. "Why don't you tell that to that poor bastard in Pragia? Not so innocent maybe, but he wasn't gonna do shit, you knew that! He was just a mad jackass, but you still let Jack blow his brains out, didn't you?"

Shepard turned to face him with her eyes wide open, and when she saw him smirking she lost control. "That… was... different!" she shouted, and with a full blown rage she attempted to punch him in the face.

Zaeed had provoked her on purpose, so he was ready for it. He caught her arm in the air, twisted it behind her back and pulled her close by her neck with his other arm.

"All right," he hissed. "I'll deal with Vido later. I'll be a part of your 'team' for now."

Shepard struggled to get free as he tightened his arm around her neck and said, "The money is good, but I haven't sworn any oath. You're tough Shepard, but you gotta earn the right if you're gonna order me around." He loosened his grip. "So let's see if you can."

Shepard got free, pushed him against the bulkhead and let out a mad little laugh.

"You're on," she said, pulling out a knife from the dartboard.

* * *

In her quarters, Shepard watched her naked body in the mirror as her new bruises ached, dull and already distant. She touched a sore spot on her arm, and pressed on it with her fingers until the pain traveled through every nerve, making sure that this body was hers.

 _Anything but the numbness_ , she thought as she stepped into the shower, remembering the sessions she'd had to go through after Akuze. _Don't run away. Confront._ But at times it was easier said than done, when her emotions resisted going deeper and kept hovering on the surface.

Shepard had several methods to deal with her disassociation and to keep the numbness at bay. One of them was reminding herself of her duty, and holding on to it like an anchor to keep herself from drifting away.

Another was breaking her mind's resistance, even if it was for a short while. She liked that one. It was the most fun among them.

She got out of the shower, got dressed and picked up the bottle she'd had bought from the Citadel.

* * *

"Hey doc."

"Hello commander," said the doctor, looking up from her desk.

"Got a gift for you," Shepard said and watched Dr. Chakwas' mouth curl into a surprised smile as she saw the bottle in her hand.

"Serrice ice brandy?" she said, getting up. "You didn't."

Shepard gestured at the bottle. "Our friend here says otherwise."

"Thank you. I always regretted not opening that original when I could. I won't make the same mistake again." She gave her a bright smile that made her look like a young girl. "Why don't we open this bottle right here, right now, you and me?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Shepard said. "You crack open the bottle, I'll get the glasses."

* * *

Joker was heading to the mess for lunch when he ran into Shepard by the elevator. He hadn't seen much of her after he'd poured his heart out—most of it anyway—and he was slowly but steadily becoming paranoid.

 _Did I say too much? I said too much. I scared her away. She's avoiding me. Is she avoiding me?_

"Hey commander," he said.

"Joker!" Shepard yelled, her voice full of unwarranted glee. "We were just talking about you."

Joker looked around. "And who is this 'we'?"

Shepard scanned the passageway, relaxing as she saw nobody else nearby. "The good doctor and I; a.k.a. the immovable center," she replied with a knowing nod.

Joker looked at her flushed face, her half-open eyes and her happy smile. "Shepard," he said, "Are you drunk?"

"Why yes Joker; yes I am. But you should've seen the other guy," she said laughing, and the smell of the alcohol hit Joker in the face. "Actually, you can see the other guy," said Shepard as if she'd recalled something important. "In the med bay, snoozing away."

Joker stared, torn between keeping her talk and recording it and getting her away from anyone else who'd get the same idea.

"Ah, damn it," he said cursing his conscience and summoned the elevator. "To your quarters?"

"Next you're gonna accuse me of getting drunk to lure you there," she said, remembering a conversation they'd had a long time ago. Joker hadn't meant to go with her, but he put his arm around her waist when the angle of her body began resembling an italic 'I'. He guided her in with careful steps while getting support from the door frame.

"But don't worry, I know you don't date the crew," Shepard said. She tilted her head to one side. "Or was it the other way around?"

Joker remembered that conversation too, along with every other detail of that night; and this was beginning to feel like a deja-vu. "Yeah," he said and smiled, glancing at her expression of drunk enlightenment. "I use the snark to deter them." He leaned against the corner as he felt the pressure of Shepard's weight on his knees. _How am I going to get out of this without snapping a shinbone?_

Shepard tried to lift her head up, but it tilted to the other side and fell on his shoulder. "I like the snark," she slurred with a deep breath.

Joker feared his heartbeat would become audible as his arm around her slightly tightened. _Forget the shinbones,_ he thought. _She'll lose her balance, we'll fall and I'll die. But at least it'll be a good death._

"How are you even this drunk?" he asked.

"Determination," she answered with a proud smile. "I drank," she paused to make a calculation in her head, "more than half a bottle of brandy, and then some."

Joker sighed as Shepard's body leaned further against him. Forgetting his limitations was easy when he was at the helm, but here they were clear as day and self-deprecating sarcasm—one of his many defense mechanisms—was rearing its head. "Shit, you're heavy commander," he said. "Try not to break my legs, or, you know, _me_ in general."

"Sorry," she said, easing her weight. "I'm not _that_ drunk, but my body disagrees. And this feels nice."

"Oh, you're definitely that drunk," said Joker as the elevator stopped. He removed his arm from around her waist with a sigh of relief. Her extra friendliness was proving to be dangerous, and not only physically. "Right now I could convince you to tranquilize Miranda and kidnap her for a joyride on the Hammerhead. With Jack," he added.

"But wouldn't it be fun?" Shepard said, staggering to the door to punch her code.

Joker gave her a look as he waited for her to catch on.

"Oh, ok," she conceded. "I see what you mean." She stood by the open door. "You wanna come in?"

"Why?" he blurted.

"To hang out?" she replied, still feeling off-balance but a bit more clear-headed. That hybrid liver did work fast.

"Thanks for the invite commander, but I should go back," he said as his heart beat in a violent rhythm. _Not making this easier, Shepard._

"Yeah," Shepard said, her tone bitter. "Forgot you're not a people person. I should go to Chambers if I want to talk, right?"

"It's not that, Shepard," Joker said, rubbing his forehead with both hands. _Holy shit, how did I end up in this situation?_

"Believe me; I'd love to hear every single embarrassing detail of your life. But I'd prefer to do it when you're not giving me motion sickness with your drunken swaying." He called the elevator back. "Just not a good idea right now," he muttered.

Shepard's face twisted in confusion first, and then turned blank. _Does he mean what I think he means?_

She took an impulsive step toward him, leaving only a small distance between them. She looked into his eyes, and saw them shifting to her mouth.

"Riley," Joker said in a cautioning tone, his mind at war with his body. _This isn't right,_ he thought, but before he could pull away Shepard's lips met his in a soft, one-sided kiss. He flinched and drew back.

"Don't," he said, his voice almost resentful. Shepard backed away immediately, sobering with the shock.

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry. That was out of line."

Joker backed into the elevator. "Get some rest commander," he said, taking his cap off. "I'll see you later."

Shepard saw him crumpling the cap in his hand before the door closed.

She wished she could have stayed drunk longer, for self-consciousness was setting in heavier by the minute.

 _What the hell was I thinking?_ she thought, her face burning with embarrassment. _What in the verse compelled me to do such a thing, to cross that line?_

She went into the room and leaned her back against the door. _Would I regret crossing the line if he had reacted differently?_

But he hadn't reacted differently, and now she was the commander who put her subordinate in an uncomfortable position. _How did I misread the signs and fuck up so royally?_ she thought. _And since when do I have no self-restraint?_

Joker had flinched, he had drawn back and he'd stopped her verbally. Hell, if she'd come on any stronger than that, he'd have had no choice but to push her away.

 _I fucking sexually harassed my helmsman. Yay, one more thing to cross off my to-do list._

It wasn't like Joker would go report this even if they were Alliance, not that it was any comfort. At least now she knew where she stood.

 _I need to kill something_ , she decided, her favorite way of dealing with agitation. She didn't handle rejection well, and some unlucky bad guy on some remote planet would pay for it dearly.

"EDI," she said, and the blue orb popped up. "Tell Joker to set a course for Aeia."

There was a brief silence before EDI replied. "As you wish, commander."

* * *

Joker returned to the bridge instead of going back to the mess. Not only had he lost his appetite, but also his stomach threatened to empty its current contents with each heartbeat.

 _What. The. Shit,_ he thought as he sat down. Shepard's lips on his had felt like a cruel teasing, after he was barely able to support her between the two decks. She wouldn't have acted that way if she'd been sober, but Joker didn't know if that was a comfort or a disappointment.

"Mr. Moreau, the commander ordered to set a course for Alpha Draconis system, planet Aeia," EDI said, disrupting his thoughts.

"What? When?"

"It has been six minutes and forty eight seconds."

"Got it," Joker said, pulling up the screens and entering the coordinates to plot the course. There would be plenty of time for her to sober up between the jump and the landing. "EDI, run a systems check. Gotta get my baby ready for the relay."

His eyes darted across the screens with complete focus as he shelved everything that wasn't his job to deal with later.

* * *

"I don't like where this is going," Shepard said to Mordin, standing in the middle of an all-female settlement on Aeia, inhabitants presumably part of MSV Hugo Gernsback's crew. "First the logs we found on the wreckage, now this?"

"Agreed," said the salarian. "Implications of corruption. Cruelty exceeding necessity," he inhaled, looking at the structure made by the women who'd been affected by neural decay. "And bad art. Very, very bad art."

Jacob wasn't blind to the clues either. "Look at this spoiled food stores," he grumbled, checking the contents of a crate. "They've been eating this toxic local food for who knows how long. Like that wasn't obvious enough." He turned to the commander. "I need answers Shepard," he said.

"We'll get them," she said as one of the women approached them like a frightened but curious animal. She peeked at Jacob, hiding behind Mordin.

"You have his cruel face," she said. Mordin led the woman away. "Inexcusable," he hissed.

"Let's move," said Shepard, giving Jacob an encouraging pat on the shoulder.

* * *

"Realities of the command change you."

 _He's defending himself_ , Shepard thought. Face to face with the son he chose to leave behind for the sake of a harem, the man was defending himself. _But why am I even surprised._

Ronald Taylor had caught one speck of power and it had turned him into a tyrant.

"I wasn't ready for that," he said.

 _Who are you to talk about command,_ Shepard thought. _It wasn't preparation for leadership that you lacked to not do what you'd done to these people. Simple humanity would have been enough._ She turned to Jacob, keeping silent. He didn't need any more fuel to his fire.

"I can't point to where it all went wrong," said Taylor, acting captain.

"Imagine when you began treating people as things," ***** Mordin said. He shook his head. "Not a shred of remorse."

Shepard gave him an agreeing nod, then winced as she shifted her weight. Her caved in thigh plate was pressing against her injured leg. _Maybe I shouldn't have tried to outrun the heavy mech while hostiles were firing from every direction._

She knew the safest way would have been to fall back, isolate the heavy and take it out first, but that wasn't very time-efficient. A fractured femur was a small price for a thrilling fight and quick victory.

Her focus returned when Jacob pulled his gun, pointing it at his father's face.

"He's not even worth pulling the trigger," Jacob said. "I don't know who you are, but you're not any father I remember."

"Maybe we go arrange pickup for the rest of the survivors while the acting captain deals with the hole we punched through his mechs," said Shepard.

Ronald Taylor protested, claiming they didn't know what the 'crazy ones' would do to him.

"Untrue. Intentions easy to predict. Just don't care," said Mordin.

"My father was a different man, Shepard. A good man. Wish I'd found him," said Jacob.

"Come on," Shepard said as hunters began closing in, and he followed without looking back.

* * *

Joker stared at the closed shutter in the cockpit, waiting for the commander. That was, if she would stop by.

After the shuttle had landed on Aeia, she'd kept the radio contact to a minimum, which would annoy the nine hells out of him under different circumstances.

To top it off, she'd come back from the mission with more damage than she usually did.

Joker hated this. This wasn't supposed to happen. Everything was supposed to go back to normal, now that they'd talked about her death. Back to the uncomplicated, safe ordinariness where he could stay _and watch her from the sidelines until someone who isn't a coward makes their move._ He rubbed his face.

 _I'm an idiot,_ he thought. _Shouldn't I at least find out if there was any reason for her actions other than her being drunk and me being there?_

The shutter opened, but Joker didn't seem to notice. EDI closed and opened it again, detecting no reaction from the helmsman.

"You are unusually quiet, Mr. Moreau," she said.

Joker snapped out of it with the AI's voice. "What now, you want to chat?" he asked.

"I was only making an observation. My programming does not restrict me from assessing your behavior in order to stimulate improved performance."

"Well, that's a comfort. Can't you just, you know, leave me the fuck alone maybe? I'm really not in the mood."

"I understand," said EDI and her hologram disappeared. Joker could have sworn that it sounded hurt. _Oh good, next I'll be considering Harbinger's feelings. What the hell are you doing to me Shepard?_

He jumped in his seat when he heard the commander's footsteps. Exhaling, he straightened his back and turned around to greet her.

"Hey commander, uh, do you have a moment to talk?" he said, leaving himself no time to change his mind.

"Of course," Shepard replied in a professional tone which she normally reserved for the Council, and even with them she cracked quite often. Joker's heart sank. "That's actually why I came to see you," Shepard added.

"Uh, I didn't mean right now," said Joker. "I thought maybe we could…" _Shit, get a grip man._ "Talk somewhere more private?" he said with a pained expression.

But Shepard said, "No, it's okay," as if her mind was somewhere else, shattering all his plans. "Here's fine. EDI, we'll need some privacy." She paused. "That means no listening."

The blue orb appeared. "There's a block preventing me from completely or partially shutting down my auditory functions," she said. " _But I can remain silent_."

"I guess that'll have to do. Thanks EDI."

Joker squinted as he looked at the disappearing sphere. "I swear this thing gave me the stink eye when it said that," he hissed. Shepard flashed him a smile before her face went serious again.

He cleared his throat and scratched his hair under his cap. "Look, Shepard," he began as she sat down, hoping that words that made sense would just follow, but Shepard interrupted him.

"It's not you who should feel uncomfortable Joker. The mistake was mine; _I_ should be the one to own up to it."

"Mistake," repeated Joker. _Of course. She came here to undo it._ So it was what he'd believed to be in the first place. A drunken blunder.

"I realize I put you in a difficult position and I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. Maybe it's taking me longer than I like to admit to adjust to this new reality, although that's absolutely no excuse for my actions. You're a vital part of the crew Joker, and—"

"I get it commander," Joker interrupted, his voice colder than ice. "It's ok, since it didn't mean anything." _What did I expect?_ he thought. _But hey, I'm a vital part of the crew. Yippee!_

"Yeah," mumbled Shepard. "I acted inappropriately and I apologize," she said, again with the detached professionalism. She stood up.

Joker gave her a wooden stare. She shifted her weight.

"So are we good?" she asked.

"Of course we're good commander," said Joker, letting his insincerity ring sharp in his words. "Good thing we cleared the air."

"I agree," said Shepard. "I should go. I'll see you later."

"Sure, see you," said Joker dismissively and started pushing some buttons.

* * *

Shepard walked to the CIC in a dazed state.

Before she'd spoken to Joker, she'd been very sure about what she'd say and she'd run several scenarios in her head with several outcomes.

None of them corresponded to this one.

She found that one little utterance summarized all that she was feeling, which was 'huh?' in capital letters.

 _HUH?_

"Kelly, I'll go over the mission reports in my quarters," she said as she passed by. She summoned the elevator and went up to her cabin.

She'd said what she'd planned to, and Joker had responded with expected phrases; so everything should have been fine. But it most certainly was not. Joker was annoyed. He was angry. There'd been no teasing, no mocking, not a single quip.

Why would he be angry _after_ she'd apologized?

She entered her cabin and sat on the floor, staring at the empty aquarium. She'd thought she'd misinterpreted what he had said, but had she really?

She stopped herself before giving into self-doubt. _It shouldn't matter,_ she told herself. _I wasn't brought back to deal with my personal affairs._

She closed her eyes and remembered the look in his eyes before she'd kissed him, and it put her heart into turmoil; her pain, passion and bitterness coiling around each other like poisonous little snakes.

 _How can something that's supposed to be so easy be so difficult?_ she thought. _Haven't I earned the right to want something for myself?_

But she knew it had nothing to do with what she deserved or didn't deserve. It was about what she had to do, and there was no room for distractions. Learning about Joker's guilt and helping him get over it had been necessary, but that was where it should have ended. She reached for the dog tags that weren't there. _I can't let flying Cerberus colors affect my judgement. I can't act recklessly when I'm responsible for the lives on this ship. I can't afford even one moment of surrender. I can't put myself before my duty._

She cared for her pilot. That wasn't going to change just because she wouldn't pursue him, but she was going to have to put it on the back burner and put all her focus on the mission ahead.

 _Let's see how long you'll be able to keep it up this time,_ said a blunt voice hidden in the shadows of her mind.

"I can't put myself before my duty," she repeated out loud.

* * *

 ***** My favorite author who recently decided to leave early to avoid the rush is the inspiration for that sentence.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because WE ARE YOUR GENETIC DESTINY. No, no, shoo, go away. Bad Harbinger.**

* * *

"It was the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time," Tali said at the mess table. "It was screaming, begging us to make it stop. That poor kid. How could his brother put him through such torture?"

"Betrayal is a hard pill to swallow," Jacob said, glancing at Garrus. "And it's extra bitter when it's family doing the betraying."

"Hopefully he'll get better in the Grissom Academy," said Tali. _Project Overlord_ , she thought. Even the name was like a tasteless joke. If an entire species forced to leave their home world, living on ships and relying on suits wasn't enough to convince people meddling with artificial intelligence was dangerous, David Archer's ordeal wouldn't be either.

"It's a good place for a person with his abilities," Miranda told her. "If there's any hope for him, it's there."

"I'm glad I sat that one out," Garrus said. "If it involves Shepard's driving, better to stay away." He shot Joker a glimpse, expecting a comment but the pilot was busy staring at his food and sulking. "Thoughts, Jacob?"

"Holy hell," Jacob replied as Jack sniggered. "That woman is out of her mind. 5 minutes longer and she'd have made the VI cry." He shook his head.

Miranda quietly activated her datapad and sent the engineering team an inquiry about hull reinforcements.

"And I suspect she thought she was doing me a favor, to take my mind off Aeia," Jacob continued and laughed. "It worked."

"She used to climb up a mountain with the Mako and just hop the way down, all the while cackling like a maniac," Garrus reminisced, and Grunt made an approving sound.

Tali grimaced at the memory. "The first time she did that I thought it was the end for me. Mako is the one thing I won't miss about the old days."

"You can't convince me Hammerhead is any better," said Jacob. "Zaeed was having a blast though."

"I still can't believe Shepard convinced him to stay," Tali said.

"I thought that'd end with a body out of the airlock after how it went down on Zorya," Jack agreed. "I was looking forward to that. But yea, the insane bitch convinced _me_ to stay." She glared at Miranda. "Despite her," she added through gritted teeth.

"Grow up Jack. We don't have to be a big happy family to be able to work together," the XO countered.

"Of course she convinced him," said Joker glumly, stabbing some peas in his tray. "No one else could have, or would have for that matter. She collects you freaks like stray cats. And Zaeed is the ugliest one—no offense Grunt—with tattered ears, one eye and 'get out of my damn way' walk. He might be the craziest too. No offense Jack."

"Fuck you."

"It is a small furry animal found on Earth with claws and…" Tali tried to explain to the confused krogan. "Oh, never mind."

"Better with us than against us," said Garrus.

"So, what exactly did you say to convince him Shep?" Kasumi asked as she uncloaked behind Jacob, startling him. Joker tried to make himself invisible between Miranda and Tali as the commander approached.

Shepard was coming from the starboard observation deck after a long talk with Samara. She knew it would be condescending to pity her, but what she'd told her about her daughters was heavy, for anyone, any species, however long they lived.

"Sorry, what was that?" she asked as she picked up the tray Gardner prepared for her. "Thanks sergeant."

"My pleasure commander," said the man.

"Massani," said Grunt. "I say you just shoved your shotgun down his throat until he nodded. Ha!"

 _She never uses a shotgun,_ Joker thought, resisting the urge to butt in.

"He's still a part of the team. Keep that in mind," said Shepard as she spotted Joker avoiding her, and Mordin sitting next to Garrus. She and Garrus looked at each other and she gave him a vague smile, getting a slight nod in return. _He's trying to forgive me,_ she thought. _But this is good._

She turned to the salarian.

"Mordin," she said. "It's… interesting to see you here. I thought you'd be working on something that'll possibly blow us all up."

"Ridiculous. Always very careful with explosives. Here to observe, fascinating progress. Less contempt among crew, human-turian-krogan-quarian, even AI finding common grounds. Krogan spending more time with crew after rite. Jack and Miranda in same room, not killing each other. Plotting maybe, but not killing. Suspect it's your influence. _Remarkable_ specimen. Would like to run tests sometime."

Mordin smiled. Everyone in the mess exchanged awkward looks. Someone coughed.

"Right. Thanks," Shepard managed. Sometimes she felt the salarian said these things just to get a kick out of their reactions. She liked him either way.

"We'll head back to Illium soon," she said. "If all goes well, the mission will end with us recruiting the last person on our list. That means things will be more hectic from that point on, because we'll start pushing forward. Everyone ready?"

"Born ready," said Jacob and Shepard caught Joker rolling his eyes.

"Count on it Shepard," said Grunt with an enthusiastic laughter.

"Oh, I do," she replied with an affectionate pat on his head. "I know I don't even need to ask. You're _my_ crew after all," she said, her voice filled with pride bordering on smugness.

She sat down to eat.

"That was lame," Jack shared her input, and a bunch of agreeing noises chimed in.

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "I changed my mind. You guys suck," she said. "Now go back to your posts and reflect on this."

"You heard the commander," Miranda said as she stood up, allowing herself a little smile.

"Was it an order?" asked Tali as Joker got up to leave, dragging her behind him as a cover.

"Someone needs to get laid," muttered Jack as she left the table, and Mordin followed her to tell her about other methods for relieving stress. Garrus and Jacob trailed after them, eager to see the biotic and the professor's interaction and to interfere if necessary.

Grunt stood up and put a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I didn't think it was lame," he said, his deep voice contrasting his sentiment.

"I love you too Grunt," she said in return as the krogan walked away, causing faint tremors.

She took a bite off her food, then put her fork back on the tray. She gave out a loud sigh.

"Kasumi, you're hovering," she said without looking at her. "What is it?"

The thief sat next to Shepard with an impish grin on her face.

"So there were no grudges between you and Zaeed?" she asked. "I didn't think he would be so forgiving."

"Grudges can be dealt with later," she replied. "He's not going to stab us in the back."

Kasumi sighed in frustration. "You know I sneak around a lot," she said.

"I know."

"And I hear things. Sometimes noises too."

"I can imagine," said Shepard patiently. "And?"

"So I have an idea how you managed the resolve the Zaeed situation peacefully."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it peaceful."

Kasumi's eyes gleamed in anticipation. "Ooh!" she exclaimed. "So tell me."

Shepard looked at the girl, surprised at her enthusiasm.

"He was good," she said. "Very agile for his age too. And after that disagreement I think we both needed to blow off some steam, so that made it more intense." She stretched her arms and turned her head from side to side to make sure no one was listening, then she continued in a low voice. "Jacob's very strong and all but he tends to get predictable after a while, which is no fun. Garrus and I taught everything we can to each other so it got pointless; Jack has no control so she's off limits for now. But Miranda is a good challenge."

Kasumi stared at her, jaw dropped open.

"Maybe you and I should try it sometime," added Shepard naïvely.

The thief started laughing.

"What?"

"I guess we weren't talking about the same thing after all," she said giggling.

"What did you—oh… Oooh… You thought me and Zaeed? My god Kasumi, you have a dirty mind!"

"Kelly thinks he's kinda sexy."

"Kelly thinks everyone and everything is kinda sexy, including the Cain," she said, and paused. "Ok, Cain _is_ sexy. But me and Zaeed? That's just wrong, in so many ways." She shuddered and gave the thief a threatening look. "I'm going to pretend this talk never happened."

"Come on Shep," said Kasumi. "It is so lifeless on this ship and there's nothing left worth stealing, as long as I live here anyway. I'm bored out of my wits. I could use some girl talk, some gossip, anything. But Tali is too shy, Jack is too rude, Kelly takes notes when we speak and Miranda is Miranda. That leaves you. And you're talking about sparring!"

"You want to have a girl talk with _me_? You're in for a disappointment," she said. "Even Samara might be a better choice. And what do you mean nothing _left_ worth stealing?"

Kasumi ignored the question. "What is it with you people?" she asked. "Did you all take a vow of celibacy?"

Shepard opened her mouth to explain military backgrounds and fraternization but changed her mind. "No one here has the time for relationship drama Kasumi," she simplified, looking away. _And you better believe it._

"Then I think I'll stick to my version. It's more entertaining."

"Just keep it to yourself," said Shepard. "Last thing I need on this ship is people talking about me and Zaeed sleeping together."

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me," Kasumi teased.

"Kasumi—" Shepard began, but she was interrupted with a cough.

When she turned around, she saw Joker standing behind her with an unreadable expression on his face. Kasumi let out a faint giggle and disappeared.

"Joker," said Shepard with an amused expression. Maybe this could be an opportunity to break the ice wall that'd been standing between them since the whole kissing incident.

"Didn't mean to eavesdrop, commander," said Joker. "Came back to get my cap." He pointed to the cap on one of the chairs.

"I don't know how much you've heard, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't go spreading it around," she said. Jacob wouldn't be pleased to know what she thought about his sparring talents. _That'll teach you to never gossip about your people, you pathetic excuse for a commander._

"Well that's understandable. I wouldn't want it to go around if I were you either," Joker said. "I mean, yeah, space is a lonely place, but I wouldn't have imagined you'd go for someone who was around to see the live broadcast of Apollo 11."

It took Shepard about half a minute to understand what he was talking about. _Zaeed? Hell Joker, do you think I went on a mating spree?_

"Actually, he's not that old," she said, telling herself she was curious to see where this would go and in denial about hoping for a sign of jealousy. "But getting shot in the face tends to make a person look older."

"Uh, you died? You look just fine to me."

"Flatterer," said Shepard, but all she got was a stony stare.

"I guess you weren't kidding when you said 'anything for the mission'," said Joker. "Just don't ask _me_ to take one for the team, because I think Mordin was checking me out."

"That's not funny Joker," Shepard said, surprised he'd go this far.

"Oh it isn't? I think my sense of humor got all twisted when I heard about you and Zaeed. I'll need to spend a lot of time on the extranet to scrape _that_ image off my mind," Joker said in a carefree tone.

Shepard stood there, staring at him in disbelief. They never used much filter when they spoke with each other, but it was all in good fun. This however, was insulting and disrespectful.

"Is there a reason you're being an ass about this?" she asked, and failed to seal her lips before the next part came out. "Maybe it bothers you more than it should?"

 _How lovely, commander,_ thought Joker. _Please go ahead, add insult to the injury._

He stared back at her. "You can relax commander, no declaration of undying love coming your way," he said, and Shepard felt a thousand krogan punching her in the gut.

She took a deep breath, swallowing the hurt. _This is my fault,_ she thought. _I've stirred up something I shouldn't have, changed the dynamics, and here we are._

"I've made some mistakes regarding you Joker, I'll be the first to admit it," she said. "I've already apologized for making you uncomfortable and I've been keeping my distance. But none of that gives you the right to judge me or bitch about who I hook up with."

 _She's right;_ Joker thought as he picked up his cap and put it on. _Of course she's right._ But his disdain was too strong to let it go.

"You're reading too much into it Shepard," he said. "Guess I hit a sore spot. But this is just me being me, I didn't mean any disrespect," he lied.

 _That arrogant asshole_ , Shepard thought, scaring herself as she realized just how much she wanted to punch her pilot. Green eyes under the brim of the cap didn't leave hers for a second. _Punch him, or do something else?_ came the unwelcome afterthought. _Learn your lesson, dammit._

"All right," she said. "I'll take your word for it."

Joker straightened his posture as best as he could. "In any case, _commander_ ," he said, "Please accept my apologies."

 _Please accept my apologies?_ thought Shepard. _This has gone from bad to invasion of the body snatchers._ *****

"Of course," she said. "Glad to hear it. Now go and set a course for Illium, the assassin won't stay there forever."

"Aye aye ma'am," said Joker and muttered, "I'll try not to make a _mistake,_ " under his breath as he headed for the elevator.

Shepard looked at the mashed potatoes in her tray. _What the fuck am I doing?_ she thought. _Why do I keep complicating things when it comes to this man?_

* * *

A few hours later, Shepard stood on the platform in the CIC following their trajectory on the Galaxy map.

"Entering Tasale system commander," Joker's voice came through the comm.

Kelly turned to Shepard. "He's especially grouchy today," she said. "EDI must be getting on his nerves."

"Must be," Shepard said, lost in the display before her.

Kelly's eyebrows rose as she studied her face. "Joker amazes me," she said, getting Shepard's attention. "Making it this far with his condition couldn't have been easy. I admire his confidence."

"His confidence is well earned," said Shepard. "And it has nothing to do with his condition. He's the best pilot there is, with or without Vrolik's."

Kelly smiled. "You trust him implicitly," she observed.

"Of course I do. I have every reason to," said the commander. "You'll understand why when shit hits the fan," she added with a smile.

"I'm sure I will," said Kelly. "I don't doubt his skills commander. But most of the time how we see a person is different from how they see themselves."

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked.

"Joker is not his disability, but he has to cope with it nevertheless. Something like that would have an effect on anyone. What I'm trying to say is, sometimes we need to consider this fact instead of ignoring it."

"Kelly," Shepard said. "What exactly are we talking about here?"

The yeoman let out a chuckle. "I think we're talking about how I can't carry a conversation without doing some kind of analysis," she said.

"I see," said the commander, giving her a suspicious look. "Thanks for the insight, Kelly."

"Anytime, Shepard."

* * *

"Miranda, stay close, I'll need your overload. Grunt, cover our right flank." Shepard jumped up on a crate and took cover behind another. The rocket drones kept firing as she boosted her rifle with disruptor ammo. She cloaked and aimed.

"One on the left," she said and the drone emitted blue electrical sparks, shaking in its place. Miranda sank back in cover as Shepard pulled the trigger. "One down," she said with an invisible smile. "Grunt?"

The krogan stared at the heap of fallen mercs at his feet. "They've stopped coming," he said.

Shepard and Miranda took out the second drone and the team made their way to the top floor of the Dantius Towers.

Shepard signaled them to take cover as she saw the asari commando prowling in front of Nassana's office.

"Warp is our friend, Miranda," she whispered.

"Got it."

The biotic energy hit the commando, weakening her barrier. She stumbled, looked around and spotted the squad behind cover to her left.

"I'll tear you apart!" she yelled.

"Concuss the shit out of her Grunt," said Shepard. "Don't let her catch her breath."

She switched to her pistol and cloaked as Miranda sent a second wave of warp followed by Grunt's concussive shot, effectively ripping the commando's biotic barrier.

"I'll handle the rest," Shepard said, appearing in front of the asari. She ducked to avoid the immediate biotic attack, deployed fire tech and put two rounds in her head.

The commando fell without a sound as the remaining flames on her armor went out. Grunt and Miranda got out of cover and walked to Shepard.

"Not tough enough," the commander heard Grunt say with a disquieting laugh as they passed by the fallen asari to enter the office.

Nassana Dantius was inside; surrounded by her guards.

"Shepard," she said, greeting her with a phrase the commander was growing tired of hearing. "But you're dead…"

"I got better."

"And now you're here to kill me."

"Not really. I'm after the man who's after you actually. This is just a tragic coincidence, believe it or not."

"What the hell are you—" Nassana began, but was interrupted by a noise. "Check the other entrances," she ordered her people and turned to Shepard. "You, stay put."

The rest happened in a flash. One minute Nassana was talking and the next, the assassin appeared. His movements were fluid and deliberate as if they were a part of a well-practiced choreography as he took down Nassana's guards and held the asari in his arms, shooting her in the gut.

Shepard admired his eerie grace as Thane laid Nassana gently on the floor. _An unsettling compassion,_ she thought.

"So this is our guy. Good," said Grunt, pulling Shepard out of her trance.

"He's good," Miranda agreed.

"Grunt and Miranda both approve," Shepard said with a mock surprise. "A first time for everything."

"Yeah, yeah," said the krogan. The XO remained impassive.

"We came a long way to talk to you," said Shepard, turning to the assassin.

"One moment," Thane said. "Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

"She sure was wicked."

"Not for her. For me."

Shepard stared, and then blinked once.

 _You've got to be kidding me._

* * *

"We're all done," said Dr. Chakwas. "You barely have a scratch commander. I take it went well?"

"Yep. It was easy. Get in, recruit the assassin, get out," said Shepard, sitting on a bed in the med bay for her routine post-mission checkup.

"Yet you sound disappointed."

"Well, I'd expected it to be a little more challenging. All I got was some mechs, some mercs and a couple of commandos. Boring. Not even a heavy mech." Shepard frowned. "Come on doc, don't give me that look. You just said I was fine."

Dr. Chakwas decided to keep her opinion to herself for the time being. Shepard's rebuilt body healed at an accelerated rate so physically she was almost always the picture of health, and the doctor already suspected that Shepard's regular visits were out of respect for her rather than the commander's own well-being. Giving her a reason to avoid the med-bay was the last thing she wanted.

"This is how I look when marines in my care express their wishes for more dangerous battles," she said. "But yes, you are fine. And don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your chance soon." She smiled as Shepard relaxed. "Thane seems like quite the gentleman besides being frighteningly capable," she added.

"Yeah, you should have seen Kelly going all starry eyed when he bowed to her. He sure isn't what I expected. I mean, even EDI was impressed," Shepard said. "Can't say the same for Jacob though. I understand his distrust, but I don't think Thane is the only issue."

"Aeia shook him pretty bad, didn't it?"

"How could it not? After years of wondering what happened to his dad, he finds this." She sighed. "At least he has closure now."

"What that man did was truly evil," said Dr. Chakwas. "Those poor people. And the women… We see all kinds of terrible things, but this one was something else." She shook her head.

"I know. It feels different when it's regular people. That man might have gone living his life without waking his dormant evil if that ship never had crashed. Makes you question human nature all over again doesn't it? Just try not to let it get to you doc," said Shepard. "We need you. So, how are _you_ doing?"

"Oh I'm fine, you needn't worry about me. I appreciate being busy. If you're asking about the brandy though, I've learned my lesson. Even a krogan couldn't match you drink for a drink."

"I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed," said Shepard, trying not to think of the aftermath of that friendly toast.

"Speaking of krogan, neither you nor Garrus took up on my offer to heal your scars," said the doctor. "I think Garrus has grown to like them. How about you?"

"I don't mind them enough to waste resources" said Shepard. "It's just cosmetics. But if my eyes go red again, I'm not waiting a second. That was scary." She stood up. "Now back to work. See you later doc."

"Will you please remind Joker about his medication when you see him commander? He's snappier than usual nowadays but he'll listen to you."

"Sure thing," said Shepard as she left the med bay.

* * *

Joker had a remarkable talent for avoidance, and Shepard had an amazing ability to adapt. They did their jobs; albeit with much less friendly banter; and aside from that too much ignoring was going on for anything to cause a problem. Joker talked nonsense whenever Shepard visited the cockpit, and Shepard made a point of not listening.

"I was thinking of installing some lava lamps. Maybe Christmas lights for ambiance? What do you think?"

"I think that I should pay Anderson a visit. Don't set a course yet, I'll let you know. You should take your meds by the way. The doctor is worried."

"I'll go see her now."

"Good."

"Good."

"Gotta go."

"All right, see ya."

Shepard left the cockpit, heading for the CIC.

"Anything I should know Kelly?" she asked the yeoman before logging on to her private terminal.

"Tali seems very distraught after receiving a message commander," Kelly said. "Maybe you could check in on her down in the engineering."

5 minutes later, Shepard was pacing up and down the engineering deck.

"Do your people even know you?" she asked. "How can they accuse you of something like this?"

"I don't know Shepard," Tali said. "I won't know anything until I get to the flotilla."

"Then we're going right away."

"I didn't think you'd have time for this. Thank you."

Shepard stopped pacing. "You say it's like a family meeting," she said. "Tali, you are here with me, standing by me, despite Cerberus. I may not always show it, but you are family to _me._ Of course I'll be there for you and I'll make them see just how absurd it is to call you a traitor."

Tali put her head on Shepard's shoulder. "The Migrant Fleet doesn't allow more than one child," she said. "But I've always wanted a big sister."

"You know what they say," said Shepard, putting her arm around her. "Be careful what you wish for."

Tali let out a chuckle as they stepped out.

"How are you doing Shepard?" she asked out of the blue, sitting on the stairs. Shepard sat next to her.

"I'm fine?" she replied. "But I get a feeling you weren't making small talk."

"After I joined you on Haestorm," began Tali, "I thought you were different. I mean you were you, I never doubted _that_ ," she added quickly. "But you were distant. I was worried about you." She put her hand on Shepard's arm.

"I'm ok," said Shepard, rubbing her left palm. "It hasn't been as easy as I'd hoped," she admitted after a moment of silence. "Everything seemed foreign and I felt like a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle when I first woke up. I guess you can't take losing two years lightly even if you put all your will into doing so."

She looked at Tali. She didn't need to see the details of her face to see _her._

"There was nothing else you could have done for me," she assured her. "I'm adjusting Tali. I'll get there. And you being here helps me more than you know."

Tali hung her head for a moment, and then punched Shepard in the shoulder.

"Ouch?"

"Keelah… You had to make me cry," she said and laughed.

"I'm going to go now," said Shepard, standing up. "I have this friend who needs my help."

"Go then," said Tali and sniffled. "That friend of yours is very lucky to have you."

* * *

"Joker."

"Commander. Can't stay away huh?"

"Must be your musk. No, wait. Maybe it's because this is the bridge and I'm the commander."

"Ha. Funny. What do you need?"

"Set a course for the Migrant Fleet. Those idiots are accusing Tali of treason."

"What?" said Joker, turning around. "You got to be shitting me! On what grounds?"

"We don't know the details. She needs to be there to defend herself."

"The Council, the Alliance Command, the Admiralty Board… What is it with these people? Is it something they eat?"

"The hell if I know," said Shepard and sat down in the co-pilot seat for the first time since their bizarre exchange at the mess.

Joker glanced at her and turned to the controls. "Well, I'm assuming you plan to go guns blazing and shoot some sense into their heads," he said.

Shepard smiled to herself. It was hard to stay angry at Joker when she missed him this much. Things might have gotten messy, but she'd be damned before she lost Joker's friendship over a failed attempt at romance. She could at least clear the misunderstanding about Zaeed, for whatever good it'd do.

"Since I want to convince them she's _not_ a traitor, maybe I'll try a different approach, you know, like talking?" she said. "But it might not work if they're as thick as some people I know." She looked at him.

He stopped what he was doing and turned to face her. "Poor judgment doesn't require stupidity though, does it?" he retorted.

Shepard sighed in disappointment and stood up. "No," she said. "But for a person who's supposed to know me better than most, believing that I'd sleep with random crew members—say Zaeed—does require some stupidity."

Joker watched her go as realization dawned. He closed his eyes, covered his face with his palms and stayed like that for a couple of minutes.

 _And that's why I shouldn't be allowed to interact with people, let alone think of having a relationship._

* * *

 ***** Shepard means Joker's being OOC, not that the movie is bad. Shepard loves that movie.

 **A/N: Ah, these idiots, am I right? Ok, fine, I know it's my doing, sorry for the angst. But bear with me while I torture them a bit longer?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because I'm too old to play with dolls.**

* * *

"Tali. If you're listening, then I'm dead. The geth have gone active. I don't have much time. Their main hub will be on the bridge. You'll need to destroy it to stop their VI processes from forming new neural links. Make sure Han'Gerrel and Daro'Xen see the data. They must—"

Rael'Zorah's message came to an abrupt end with the sound of gunfire.

"Thanks dad," Tali said in a small, heartrending voice.

"He tried, Tali," Shepard said as she watched her leave her father's body on the floor to reach the main hub. Shepard and Garrus shared a glance, then followed her. Tali stumbled on the stairs and both the turian and the commander jerked forward to help out of reflex, but she collected herself and continued her resolute march.

Tali trying to compartmentalize was difficult for Shepard to witness, but the quarian had always been a fighter and the commander knew this inevitable transition wouldn't change who Tali was. She was stronger than most gave her credit for.

She opened the door at the top of the stairs and as soon as they entered, it closed again.

"The door's jammed," Garrus said in a low voice. There was only a transparent panel separating them from the four geth platforms busy with the consoles at the far side of the room, one of which was a prime. They hadn't noticed the squad yet.

"Not much room to maneuver," Shepard said. "But no time to worry. We'll work on the door after we deal with the geth."

"We have to hurry, we can't let them establish link," said Tali.

"Stay behind the panel Tali," the commander instructed. "Wait for my signal. Garrus?" She nodded to her rifle with a grin, and the turian's mandibles clicked in excitement. He switched to his sniper rifle and moved to the left. Shepard cloaked and stepped to the right. "Now," she said and two bullets flew, hitting the two troopers in their heads and deactivating them.

They stepped back as the prime began firing and the hunter disappeared, and Shepard caressed her rifle like praising a loyal pet.

"Mine went down faster," Garrus said.

"You wish," Shepard said, her eyes on the enemy but her smile remaining on her face. "Hunter's cloaked, stay sharp."

She spotted the distorted light and signaled Garrus, who overloaded it to force uncloak.

"Tali, you're up," she said when the hunter was visible again. "We'll keep it busy while you do your magic."

Shepard moved clockwise and Garrus followed, taking turns in hiding and attacking as they drained the hunter for Tali to hack, while keeping on the move to avoid the devastating attacks of the prime.

The hacked hunter fired at the prime, giving Garrus and Shepard the opportunity to run behind the panel before it was disintegrated.

"I'll distract it," Shepard said. "You take care of its remaining shields."

The prime was in the middle of the room, firing indiscriminately. Shepard cloaked, fired and ran, interrupting its attack until Tali and Garrus were done with the shields.

She jumped behind a column and her omni-tool glinted orange, illuminating the keenness in her eyes after the prime's armor was bared. Bright rays of yellow hit the geth one after another, setting it aflame.

Without its defenses the prime was easy prey for Tali. Hacked, the monstrous platform stood docile while Garrus and Shepard finished it off.

Tali rushed to the console. "There are some intact recordings," she said, not sounding too happy about finding them.

"Don't you want to hear it?" Shepard asked. They would have to listen to find evidence, but she wanted to make it Tali's decision. Tali's trembling hand reached for the console again. "We have to," she said, hitting play.

* * *

With the signal reestablished after the squad's return from the Alarei, Joker watched the scene through Shepard's visor as they hurried back to the assembly, which had already started.

After making their entrance, Shepard informed the admirals about clearing the fleet's geth-infested ship. Her voice was level, but Joker caught the edge in her tone which according to his previous experiences translated to 'I'm about to bite your heads clean off'.

When they asked for evidence, Shepard and Tali looked at each other before the commander took a step forward. "Shepard," Joker heard the quarian's voice as she begged. "Please."

But the commander didn't turn to look at her this time and the feed kept showing the admirals on Joker's screen.

The helmsman moved to the edge of his seat. Riley's silence wouldn't last long. Joker wished he could be there to see what was about to happen, to see Shepard lose it with his own eyes rather than seeing everything else through hers.

"Evidence?" he heard her begin with an unamused laugh. "Tali's achievements are the only evidence you should need!" She turned around. "Come on Tali. We're leaving."

"This is a formal proceeding," protested one of the admirals.

"You asked for it," sang Joker with an eager grin, wishing he had some popcorn. "So here it comes."

The frame rate couldn't match Shepard's speed as she spun around, and the next visual Joker got was an admiral's helmeted face in focus.

"Wrong, Admiral," Shepard snarled, and putting all political correctness aside, she called them out on their bullshit. Joker listened, not really surprised but still impressed by how she'd gotten a grasp of their dirty political games in such a short time. The woman was N7 alright.

When the shouting was over, he closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, savoring the satisfaction as the baffled conclave cleared Tali of all charges.

"Time to come home," he murmured and straightened up, noticing the sudden silence. The streaming continued and Tali was in the view, her mouth piece blinking blue as it did when she spoke. Shepard must have muted the audio feed.

Joker was about to turn to his second screen when he caught the commander's reflection on the quarian's helmet.

He saw the slow curl of her lips grow into a smile, and the eye that wasn't behind her visor's optical display was visible on the dark surface. Joker stared until Shepard took off the visor, stopping the stream.

 _This woman died trying to save me, save everyone; she's still at it and I gave her shit out of petty jealousy._

What good were his feelings for her if they caused him to bring her down?

 _You better make this right, jackass._

* * *

Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy was greeted by proud crewmates and cheers as she boarded the Normandy. Shepard smiled wide as Jack gave the quarian an encouraging punch in the shoulder and she got one herself on the back from Grunt.

"You all right Tali?" Shepard whispered, leading her through the CIC.

"I'll be fine," Tali said, but her voice was broken as she clutched Shepard's arm.

"Whatever you need," said Shepard. "I'm here."

"I know."

Thane watched them from a distance, his focus on the commander.

"Interesting isn't she?" asked Mordin on his way to the tech-lab. Thane nodded with a slight smile.

 _Vivid, unkempt hair falls over her eyes as she looks around and smiles. Turns her head, steel gray eyes seek something and she blinks, once, twice. A friction of pain flickers across her face, her smile saddens. Eyes soft as she speaks to the quarian, her affection evident. The quarian holds her arm, frail, off-balance. She straightens her shoulders sharing her strength, her steps confident. She walks by, nodding as she acknowledges my presence. I nod back. I feel this is a good place for me._

* * *

"Hey commander," said Joker, trying to look cheerful and failing terribly as Shepard marched in.

"Joker," said Shepard, and paused. "What's wrong with your face?"

"What? Nothing." He rolled his eyes at himself. "I just wanted to say that I'm glad that mess is over for Tali. Some of those quarians… I guess living aboard a ship can really mess with your priorities? Not that I would know… ah, I just burned myself. Great."

"Yeah, that's what I said," said Shepard in a faraway voice. "Veetor was doing all right though."

"Good for Veetor," Joker said and tilted his head to see her expression, which was blank. "Who's Veetor?"

"Uh-huh. Good thing we got Tali cleared, right?"

Joker threw his hands up. "Very mature, Shepard," he said. "And that should mean something, coming from _me_."

"EDI, set a course for Omega."

"Understood Shepard," the AI replied dutifully.

"Hello? I'm right here!"

"I have to go. See you Joker," said Shepard and turned around.

"She's doing it on purpose," said Joker after she left. "Right? What do you make of it EDI?"

"Your obsession with Commander Shepard's behavior is affecting your performance Mr. Moreau."

"Great. The evil AI from hell sides with her. Figures."

"I do not take sides. I simply observe."

"Well, observe this!" Joker reached for the mute.

"There is no need for this kind of hostility. Shepard does seem to ignore your attempts to communicate. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to make an assertion about her actions being intentional or not."

"Thanks for nothing, ship cancer."

"Shepard asked to set a course for Omega Mr. Moreau."

"I know! I was here!"

* * *

Docked on Omega, Shepard visited Samara on the starboard observation deck.

"Samara, it might be better for you to sit this one out. We don't want Morinth to sniff you out and make a run for it."

Shepard had expected the asari to protest, but she nodded with calm consent.

"Yes. I believe it would be for the best. I will wait here until I hear from you."

"I'll let you know as soon as I have something."

"Thank you Shepard."

Shepard left and made her way to the life support to get Thane. This non-combat data gathering mission would be a good opportunity to get acquainted with the assassin.

 _'The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die,'_ Thane had said. _Sounds familiar,_ Shepard thought.

* * *

The commander found herself watching the assassin as they entered the Afterlife. He moved like a mirage, so distinct yet vague at the same time.

Shepard excelled in sneaking. Cloaking was a plus, but it wasn't crucial for her specialty. The only person she knew who came close to her skill was Kasumi; the light footed thief was _good._ But observing Thane, she felt envy knotting her stomach. The drell took it to a whole other level.

She climbed the stairs to Aria's nest, Jack and Thane following.

"Aria," she said. "Missed me?"

Aria replied with a humorless grin, and Shepard sat next to her.

"What do you need?" the asari asked.

"Something I wish I didn't," replied the commander. "Asari. Goes by the name Morinth. Eats people's souls?"

Aria's face contorted in distaste. "I knew it," she said.

After getting the info about the Ardat-Yakshi, Shepard said her goodbye to the queen of Omega.

"You should find yourself a nice young man to keep you warm in the meantime," Aria said as she was leaving. "You look like you need to loosen up a bit."

 _That's… new,_ Shepard thought and ignored the comment as she descended the stairs.

"That's what I've been telling her," said Jack.

"Shut up Jack."

"Does she have prior knowledge of your sexual orientation or was she making an assumption?" Thane asked with the smallest possible hint of mischief.

 _So the new guy fits right in,_ thought Shepard.

"Good question," said Jack. "Even I'd thought you were ambiguous. You did sort of hit on me."

"I did—Oh for fuck's sake. Let's move on."

"She totally did," Jack said to Thane as Shepard contacted the Normandy.

"EDI, patch me through to Samara."

"Patching you through."

"Shepard?"

"Samara. We found her trail. Gear up and meet me at the docks."

* * *

For two people who looked so alike, the impression they gave couldn't have been more different. Whereas Samara was the embodiment of unyielding resolve, Morinth was a snake; adaptive and nimble as she went after what she wanted.

It wasn't hard for Shepard to see how she lured her prey, and how tempting her bait was.

She sat close to her in the Ardat-Yakshi's apartment, playing her game as she countered her lies with half-truths. Morinth's voice rippled in Shepard's head, trying to find a crack to seep inside her mind. Shepard's heart raced as she shivered with cold sweat. She had some experience with what Morinth was trying to do, Liara had used it to make sense of the information she'd got from the prothean beacon. But of course, Liara's version didn't involve taking over her nervous system and killing her in the process.

Morinth's eyes turned black. "Look into my eyes and tell me you want me," she commanded. "Tell me you'd kill for me. Anything I want."

Shepard felt the asari looking for something to take from her, to grab and make it hers. But melding opened the channel both ways, at least until the Ardat-Yakshi's domination was complete. And as she searched, she was leaving herself vulnerable for Shepard to reach out. Behind the shallow promises and the overwhelming desire, the commander found the dark emptiness and the misery inside Morinth's mind.

 _'I will not spend my life locked down!' the voice cried. 'I didn't choose this! I didn't want to kill her! I didn't know. I won't kill again. I'll resist.'_ Shepard felt Morinth's regret and desperation as if they were hers. ' _I deserve freedom as much as anyone else,' she pleaded, knowing they would not let her have it._

Their minds connected, Shepard saw—no, felt the thrill of countless deaths. Morinth hadn't been able to resist. She'd never had a chance. Killing felt too good. She'd needed it. In the end, she'd embraced it, completely giving in to her nature. _Young eyes filled with hatred focused. 'You,' Morinth said to her mother, venom dripping off her tongue. 'This is all your fault.'_

Were her actions really nothing more than heartless self-indulgence?

But the answer wouldn't change anything.

Shepard's body went limp as Morinth pushed further, closing in on her goal. _Shit,_ she thought. _I'm dead if I let it continue._

But then Morinth flinched, her concentration faltering for a split second.

Shepard used it to push back, forcing her out of her mind. "I'm not the victim you were hoping for," she whispered, and Samara burst in.

 _Helping a mother kill her child._ Shepard felt sick as Samara attacked Morinth. Her hand on her daughter's throat, the justicar created a mass effect field focused on her free hand and delivered the finishing blow.

Mother and daughter agreed on one thing, that it was Samara's fault. This was the justicar's punishment for herself.

* * *

Back on the Normandy, Jack lay on her cot at her space below engineering.

"That woman," she said, referring to Samara, "Has been living with this shit for hundreds of years. Hundreds."

"Yeah I know," said Shepard, swinging her legs off the edge of the table where she sat.

"So shove your measly 30 years' worth wisdom up your ass and let it go."

Shepard gave out a snort. "You're right when you're right Jack."

Jack stared at the overhead. "We all have our garbage to deal with right? You told me that."

"Yep. When you were acting like you were the only person in the galaxy who ever had a messed up life."

Jack turned to her side. "You too huh?" she said, surprising Shepard. "Guess I never thought a girl scout like you would have a dark past." She stopped, her eyes searching for something. "You don't even have tattoos," she added with some disdain.

"Hey, I had tattoos!" Shepard protested. "Before my old skin burned to a crisp," she said, shrugging.

"That's _so_ fucked up," said the biotic, and they looked at each other for a few seconds before they burst out laughing.

"Ok, I'm gonna go now. Always a pleasure Jack," Shepard said, jumping off the table.

"Tell Kasumi if I find her snooping around here again I'll break her neck. And enjoy the party."

"Tell her yourself," she said. "And you better not say a word about the dress," she threatened.

"Don't know what you mean," Jack said with a nonchalance which didn't convince Shepard at all.

"For the record," said the commander, stopping at the stairs and turning to her, "I never hit on you."

"Don't feel bad, I'd do you if I swung that way."

Shepard hung her head and took a deep, weary breath. "Well I appreciate that," she said as she climbed the stairs.

* * *

Commander Riley Shepard had stared down krogan. She'd stared down terrorists in risky situations, high-power politicians, even superiors when necessary.

It was surprising how little it all meant at the moment, as she tried to stare down a dress and the thief who was holding it in her quarters.

"You promised," Kasumi said.

"I hate makeovers," Shepard whined. "Wasn't agreeing to that abominable Saren statue enough?"

"Come on, what's wrong with looking like a woman once in a while?" said the thief as she tried to convince Shepard to fix her hair.

"I do look like a woman Kasumi, I am one," Shepard replied, giving Kasumi a dark look.

"You know what I mean."

"Why don't you take Miranda then?" Shepard asked with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"I need _your_ skills on this one. What do you wear on formal occasions anyway?"

"I used to wear my dress blues?"

Kasumi shook her head in desperation. "Hopeless."

"You're one to talk, thief," Shepard said. "When have you ever dressed up and walked into a party through the _front_ door?"

"You'd be surprised," Kasumi said.

"All right, give me the damn dress. But my hair stays like this. And I refuse to wear dark lipstick, understood?"

"It's a shame, but at this point I'll take what I can get," said the thief as she left her to get ready.

Shepard was not looking forward to a party thrown for the worst of the worst. She would have loved it if she were allowed to tear the place apart, but no; it had to be stealthy. Offering Thane in her place crossed her mind but she decided to steel herself and suck it up.

At least the dress was black and simple. She wore it and stretched her legs, surprisingly the fabric allowed it. "Ok," she said and looked at the high heeled shoes as if she was looking at an old rival against whom she'd lost more than she'd won. She sneered at them, and slipped her feet into the pretty little torture devices before she left the cabin.

She entered the elevator to meet Kasumi in the shuttle bay. It stopped at the crew deck.

She let out a defeated sigh. "Really EDI?" she said.

"Operative Lawson informed me she has something urgent to tell you Shepard," EDI replied.

"And the timing was only a coincidence?"

"She requested I let her know the moment you left your cabin," said the AI. Shepard thought she sounded almost amused as she added, "I do not question the XO's motives."

"Well, thanks so much EDI," said Shepard as the door opened and she stepped out.

"Let's get this over with," she grumbled as Jack looked her up and down with a snigger. "You look good Shepard," she said.

Tali and Miranda appeared behind her.

"Don't mind her," said Miranda. "You look great. You should dress like this more often."

"Sure, Miranda, next time I need to fight a Harbinger-possessed-collector, I'll throw my killer heels at it."

Miranda gave her a smug smile as Shepard narrowed her eyes and threatened her. "You know I'll get you for this."

"Oh, look! There's Jacob," Tali cut in. "I wonder what he's doing here."

"Hello Jacob," said Shepard as he was seemingly passing by.

"Hi commander. Just here for a cup of coffee. Nice dress," he said with a wide smile.

"Why thank you Jacob," she said. She was glad at least some of the crew wasn't attending this ridiculous charade.

"It is just a dress!" she said, turning back to the women. "Why is this such a big deal?"

"It isn't the dress," said Tali with a chuckle. "It is your discomfort that makes it a big deal."

Shepard smiled, happy to hear Tali laugh.

"I wish _I_ could wear something other than this once in a while," said the quarian.

"Shepard," they heard Kelly's voice as she was coming from the mess with Donnelly and Daniels. "I _love_ the new look," she added as her eyes traveled up and down Shepard's body, appreciating the curves.

"Thanks," said the commander, unwittingly taking half a step back under the woman's lustful gaze. Donnelly looked from Shepard to Kelly, jaw dropped.

"Not a word Kenneth," Gabby hissed.

"Are we done? Kasumi's waiting in the shuttle bay," Shepard said and turned her head to see Thane standing right beside her.

"Shit! Thane, you really should stop doing that!"

"I'm sorry commander; I didn't mean to startle you. I heard your voices and I was curious." He tilted his head to one side and smiled. "You are an unpredictable woman Shepard. And stunning, as always." He bowed before he entered life support.

The women stared after him.

"Not a word Gabby," Kenneth said.

Shepard smirked and turned around to summon the elevator, only to see that it was already there. Garrus and Joker were standing in it.

"Shepard. You… look… different…" said Garrus, picking his words carefully.

"You're wearing a dress," stated Joker the obvious.

"I am aware," said Shepard and stepped in.

"You look weird."

"I know."

"I mean you look great, but you don't look like you."

"Wow. Thanks Joker."

"I didn't mean you don't look great when you look like you! Shit! Why do you guys even let me speak? Garrus?"

"Oh, I think you're doing a great job. I wouldn't dream of interrupting," said Garrus. He was having too much fun to point out that they hadn't left the elevator before Shepard closed the door.

"Don't sweat it Joker, it's not like I dressed up to get compliments," said Shepard. _Nor do I expect a declaration of undying love._

The elevator door opened and she stepped out.

Joker couldn't stop himself. "You know where to go if you ever need them," he said. "Stunning, as always," he added, making a face before the elevator door closed again.

Garrus didn't make a sound, nor did he turn to Joker.

"I can hear your aura laughing," the pilot said, staring at the closed door.

Garrus' mandibles fluttered.

"I hate you," said Joker.

* * *

"Joker, bring the shuttle in. Now!" Shepard yelled standing inside Donovan Hock's vault, which was bigger than any place she'd lived, combined.

"Aye aye," said Joker as he made the arrangement for the shuttle and simultaneously watched the feed. Hock's goons flooded into view and bullets started flying in a matter of seconds. A close-up of a merc came into sight through Shepard's rifle scope, and it was replaced with the base of a statue as she fired and sank back into cover.

"Let me guess, you didn't like the hors-d'œuvres and now you're trashing the poor guy's home for revenge," Joker said as the last hostile fell. "You need to work on those anger issues Shepard."

"I'll work on them when I get back Joker," Shepard said. "Count on it."

"Yeah, go ahead, threaten the disabled guy, you bully," said Joker as Shepard turned around to grab the graybox and the pale green crowned head appeared on his screen.

"What the?" echoed the pilot's voice in Shepard's helmet. "Is that the Statue of Liberty's head?"

"Sorry, no time for souvenirs," said Shepard and heard Joker laugh as she rushed ahead to meet the next wave of enemies with a newfound energy.

* * *

Kelly gave Shepard a disappointed look as the commander walked to her in the CIC.

"What?" said the commander. "You didn't really think I'd be strolling around in that thing from now on, did you?"

"I could get used to it," murmured the yeoman.

Shepard shook her head. "Forget it. Anything interesting happened while I was gone?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary," Kelly said.

"Any messages?"

"No ma'am."

"Nothing?" Shepard insisted.

"I'm afraid so, commander," Kelly said, giving her a sympathetic look. "But I'm sure we'll hear from the Illusive Man soon."

"We better," said Shepard.

"Joker had asked to speak with you," the yeoman said.

"Any idea what about?" asked Shepard and saw a little smile form on Kelly's lips. "Of course not," she said, answering her own question.

"Maybe the dress made an impression on him too," Kelly teased.

"I doubt it," said the commander, walking to the bridge.

As she approached, she heard Joker speaking, either to EDI or himself.

"It was a joke!" said the pilot. "Ok, I said I'd flash the AI core but I was kidding. And we'd only lose a few systems. Nosy ones."

Shepard leaned against a chair in the cockpit, listening.

"To clarify, human resources adjustments are not actually under my authority," EDI said.

"Then why? Why are you always picking on me?"

"My replies were intended to provoke, though not to cause distress. Your reactions are atypical of most humans. You are interesting."

 _I can relate to that, EDI,_ Shepard thought. "She pushed your buttons to get a rise out of you," she said, announcing her presence. Joker turned around, and the commander grinned. "About time you were on the receiving end."

"Yeah, great. I just got worked by the intercom."

"It was not my intent to bring hostility Mr. Moreau," EDI said. "But you did instigate our interaction."

"Okay, but think of it this way—shut up."

"Happy to see you two are getting along so well," Shepard said and sat down. "Joker?"

"Shepard?"

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"That depends," Joker said. "Are you actually going to listen?"

" _That_ depends," Shepard shot back. "Are you going to make sense?"

They looked at each other, but before turning it into a staring contest Joker caved in.

"Ok, fine," he said. "I just…" He huffed. "I'm not really known for my social skills Shepard, if you'd noticed."

"Nope, first time I'm hearing it Joker," Shepard said, earning a wry look from Joker. "Do go on."

"So," the pilot complied, "this friendship thing doesn't exactly come naturally to me and I may have acted like an all-round idiot while I was trying to figure it out." He exhaled and looked away. "Not that I think it would affect you in any way but there it is."

"And why wouldn't it affect me?" Shepard asked. "I'm not a goddamn sociopath Joker. I _care_ about my people. I care what they think of me. What it doesn't affect is what I need to do, my duty. But _me_? Hate to break it to you Jeff, but I _am_ human," she said. "Well, mostly," she added, tapping on a scar on her cheek.

"Yeah, I just watched you take down a gunship," Joker said. "But I have some metal rods inside my legs if it makes you feel any better?"

Shepard gave him a smile. "You know, I'm not an adept myself when it comes to friendships," she said. "But I'm learning. Yours wasn't the only life changed when the Normandy came into the picture."

"Skipping over the part you'd died?" asked Joker, taking his cap off and twirling it on his finger.

"Hey, who's a downer now Moreau?" Shepard said and stood up. She walked over to him and took the cap, turning it around in her hands. "Liked the old one better."

Joker looked up at her as she tried it on. "So did I," he said. "But I might start liking this one just as much now."

The commander's lips parted in surprise, and she pulled the brim of the hat down before she took it off.

"So what's next Shepard?" he asked as she gave it back.

"What?" Shepard uttered, feeling like her feet were cemented to the deck. Her face was getting warmer, in contrast to her hands.

"The next stop?" Joker rephrased, and Shepard's body regained its mobility, her blood flow returning to normal.

"Since we're in the vicinity," she said, taking a deep breath, "And we have nothing to do, the Citadel would be a nice stop for some downtime."

"Still no new leads from the Illusive Man?" Joker asked.

"Nothing." She let out a hollow laugh. "I'm looking forward to hearing from the Illusive Man," she said. "Must be a cold day in hell."

"Fell under his spell huh?" Joker said. "It's the eyes," he added in a mock-spooky voice.

"This is killing me," said Shepard. "They're out there planning god knows what while we _wait._ "

"I'm not jumping with joy either," Joker said. "But the hell with it, let's go to the Citadel, get wasted, practice this 'friendship' with the guys." He cringed. "Or we could start with a select few. What say you?"

"You'll leave the Normandy," Shepard said, unconvinced.

"I will," he said, and raised his voice as he continued, "And what a vacation it'll be, not having to hear that thing's voice."

"I think EDI can hear you just fine," said the commander. "But yeah, it's better than wasting fuel looking for trouble. If anything, the crew deserves a breather."

"The poor planets could use a break from your probing too."

"How the hell do you make this sound dirty?" asked Shepard, laughing.

"One of my many talents," the helmsman replied. "So, the Citadel," he said. "This is not going to end up like the last party you've been to, is it?"

"How can you call it a party if it doesn't?" asked Shepard. "But so help me I will _not_ be wearing any dresses," she added. "That reminds me, I have a score to settle with Miranda."

"Mud wrestling?" offered Joker hopefully. Shepard raised a disapproving brow.

"By the way, you did rock that dress," Joker said, turning to his console. "But you look happier in casuals. It makes you—" He stopped, staring at the blinking comm terminal.

He turned to Shepard, and they looked at each other.

"It's the Illusive Man," Joker said.

"Speak of the devil," said the commander. "Patch him through to the comm room Joker, and scratch the Citadel. Take us close to the relay, get ready for a jump. He's not calling to hear my voice."

"Aye aye ma'am," the pilot acknowledged as Shepard walked away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because they're the best.**

* * *

Shepard stood by the comm terminal in the briefing room.

"Send me the coordinates, and I'll take care of it," she said as her impatience built up to the point where she began tapping her feet.

"Already sent," said the Illusive Man. "Once you're aboard the ship, establish an uplink with EDI. She'll mine data for information regarding the Omega 4 relay. Good luck, Shepard."

The Illusive Man ended the call, and Joker's voice came through the speakers.

"Coordinates punched in," he said. "Let's go find us a collector ship."

* * *

Shepard, Zaeed and Miranda; the squad Joker had lovingly named 'the jolly elves'; exited the shuttle and began their exploration inside the massive collector ship.

The first comment came from the mercenary. "The fuck is this?"

"My thoughts exactly," said Shepard.

"Looks like an insect hive," Miranda said as they walked on.

"Shepard," EDI said after accessing the ship's databanks. "I've compared the ship's EM signature to known collector profiles. It is the vessel you encountered on Horizon."

"Maybe the defense towers softened it for the turians," said Shepard. _The colonists_ , she thought.

"I bet the missing colonists are on there," Zaeed finished her thought. "If they're still alive."

There were empty pods lying around, like the ones they'd seen on Horizon. _We were too late,_ Shepard thought. _Two years too late._

She moved to her left to avoid the slimy liquid pouring from above. She looked at Miranda, her raven hair was flowing behind her as she sashayed like she was walking in a high-end boutique in the Presidium.

 _Yep,_ Shepard realized. _If anyone's going to be covered in slime, it's gonna be me._

Zaeed stopped, his gaze fixed on something. "What the hell happened here?" he asked, and Shepard walked past him to see the heap of human remains.

Limbs stuck out here and there in the gruesome pile, a rotting hand reaching out, a face with half of its skin falling off; people, killed and discarded like trash.

Shepard gritted her teeth. "They're dead," she said, moving on. "Nothing we can do for them now."

Zaeed and Miranda followed without a word.

A few minutes later they came across a terminal, next to a collector in a pod. Shepard sent the data from the terminal to the Normandy, and EDI analyzed it to reveal a shocking fact.

"The collectors are protheans," said Shepard, but EDI explained how they were subjected to genetic rewriting over the fifty thousand years.

"They serve the reapers," said the commander. "Killing them would be a service to their lost species."

"They're not doing that to us," Miranda said, more emotion in her voice than usual.

Shepard turned around. "Let's move on," she said, and spotted something on the floor. "Ah!"

"Shepard?" Joker's voice came through. "You ok?"

"She's ok," Miranda answered, looking at the commander who was squealing like a fangirl. Shepard turned to them, the gleam in her eyes piercing through her helmet.

"It's an M-98 Widow," she said. "Oh, how I've missed you baby," she crooned, patting the rifle.

"Do you need a moment alone commander?" Joker said. "'Cause this is starting to get uncomfortable for some of us."

Zaeed and Miranda nodded in agreement.

"You don't get to say a word Moreau," Shepard said, signaling the squad to move out. "Like you'd never had some weird dreams about the Normandy."

"You don't want to go there Shepard," Joker said. "Because if we're sharing that sort of info, I have some dirt on you as well. Like the time you told me about that dream _you_ had, featuring Wr—"

"Oh god, don't remind me _that_ ," Shepard said laughing. "You win dammit."

"It's nice that you can preserve your joy in a situation like this," Miranda said, looking at the pods above, presumably filled with dead people.

"Bet you're a blast at parties," murmured the helmsman, then the squad heard him speaking to EDI. "It's done?" he said. "Holy shit. Commander, you gotta hear this."

Shepard stopped for a brief moment as Joker told him what they'd found out.

"The same ship?" she asked. "These are the fuckers who attacked us two years ago? Destroyed our ship? _Killed me_?"

"Green smoke coming out of her eyes yet?" Joker asked as Shepard picked up the pace.

"Way beyond coincidence," Shepard grumbled.

"I'd say we're getting there," Zaeed replied.

"Watch your back commander," Joker said. "Something doesn't add up."

The all-human team kept moving, and as they saw the countless pods hanging from above, the realization set in like a boulder dropping on their chests.

"They're going to target Earth…"

"Not if we stop them," said Shepard, approaching the control panel on a platform at the end of the passageway.

* * *

"What the hell just happened?" Shepard asked as the platform they were standing shook, coming active.

Joker stared at the image of a collector on his display as it disappeared.

"Major power surge. Everything went dark, but we're back up now," he replied.

"Diverting the overload to non-critical systems," EDI said. "Shepard, this was not a malfunction. It was a trap."

" _Of course_ it was," said the commander, and the platform rose into the air, moving away from the passageways.

The squad struggled to keep their balance as it stopped, leaving them with nowhere to run. Shepard saw two other platforms closing in.

"I've reestablished the connection," EDI said. "I need to finish the download before I can override any systems."

"Take cover!" Shepard yelled as the platforms connected. "You'd better get it done fast, EDI."

The collectors started firing.

"DIRECT INTERVENTION IS NECESSARY."

"Oh, not you again," Shepard said, aiming for the shiny collector's head.

* * *

Shepard checked the platforms for spare thermal-clips after the hostiles were cleared, and listened to EDI conclude her analysis.

"I found the anomaly with Cerberus detection protocols. The Illusive Man wrote them," the AI said.

"He knew this was a trap?" Joker asked with disbelief.

"The Illusive Man wouldn't do that to us," Miranda said. "He just wouldn't."

"I don't believe he'd risk wasting his assets needlessly," Shepard said. "But he better have a good reason." She looked at Zaeed applying medigel to himself. "This was a close one," she grumbled and stepped over the scion goo, walking back to them.

"Uh, commander, the collector ship's powering up," Joker warned as EDI moved and connected the platform to a passageway. "You need to get out of there before their weapons come online. I'm not losing another Normandy!"

"I guess it'd be a plus if we made it out alive as well, right Joker?" Shepard said, receiving the shuttle extraction coordinates.

"The Normandy isn't going anywhere without you aboard her, Shepard," Joker said. "So speed up for all our sakes?"

"Around the corner, take the door on your right," EDI said as they ran and Shepard heard the familiar buzzing coming from ahead.

"We've got company," she said, signaling Miranda and Zaeed to take positions.

"Red husks," Miranda said. "Must be a new variant."

Zaeed rose from his cover and fired at one of them. It exploded. "Don't let them near you," he said.

"YOU CANNOT STOP US, SHEPARD."

"That clingy asshole," Shepard said, aiming and shooting Harbinger's vessel between his many eyes. "Try to take out the drones as fast as you can, we can't let it control another one!"

The waves of enemy kept coming and the squad fought their way forward, trying to follow the directions EDI provided.

"Careful," Shepard said, stopping them at an area with a vantage point. "I hear something."

"Those things again," Zaeed said as husks appeared in the area below.

"That wasn't what I heard," Shepard said as they took out the husks. They looked up. " _That_ was."

The huge collector came flying at them, firing its deadly beams.

"Fought one on Horizon. It detonates its barrier before repairing it. Keep your distance."

"Drones!" Miranda warned.

"Big one's mine," Shepard said and fired at it to get its attention focused on herself. "Avoid it, take care of the rest, _then_ back me up."

* * *

"I've successfully opened a door on the opposite wall. I'll keep it open as long as I can," EDI informed the team.

"We're close to where we came in," Miranda said.

"Movement ahead!"

"Come on, we've just dealt with that flying armored thing," Shepard whined, getting behind cover.

"It is classified as Praetorian," EDI said helpfully.

"You asked me why I haven't used heavy weapons?" Shepard asked Zaeed as a collector drone began emitting yellow light. "That's why." She switched to the Cain, signaling the squad to back up.

"PRESERVE SHEPARD'S BODY IF POSSIBLE."

"Joker, remind me to send a gift to Conrad?" Shepard said, cloaking. "As far as stalkers go, he's the lesser creep." She stood up, aiming the huge weapon. It charged and fired, creating a bright, unforgiving explosion and taking out most of the enemies all at once.

"Commander, I hate to rush you but those weapons are about to come online," Joker said as they dealt with the stragglers and made through the last door EDI had opened. "Might want to double-time it. You know, so we can leave before they blow the Normandy in half."

"Yeah, I missed you too," Shepard replied, rushing ahead.

"You're awfully talkative today," Miranda began as she followed, but an unsettling growl made her cut her sentence short.

"Husks!" yelled the commander as the creatures ran towards them, uncoordinated and unpredictable. She fired at one, killing it. "Too many of them!"

"They're reinforced with armor!" she heard Miranda say as the XO focused a biotic attack. "I'm low on thermal clips!"

"We don't have the time for this," said Zaeed as he fended off the husks. "We gotta make a run for the shuttle!"

"Miranda!" Shepard cloaked and ran to the biotic, who was overwhelmed by the husks. "Zaeed, go!" she shouted and grabbed Miranda.

"We're out of time, commander! We have to go!" Joker's voice joined into the frenzy as Shepard ran, carrying Miranda.

"We're there!" she yelled back, throwing the XO into the shuttle for Zaeed to catch and jumped after her.

After the shuttle landed in the hangar bay, Shepard hurried to the cockpit. Joker's voice was tense, but he maintained unflinching control as he navigated the Normandy away from the collector ship's attacks.

"I can't dodge this guy forever EDI, get us the hell out of here!" he yelled.

"Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau."

"Anywhere that's not here!"

"Very well. Engaging mass effect core."

Shepard held on to the back of Joker's chair as the FTL activated. The Normandy jumped away to safety and she bent forward, exhaling with relief. Joker looked at her, sagged in his seat.

"So, this was fun," he said with a shaky laugh, running his hand through his hair and dropping his hat at Shepard's feet.

Shepard turned to him. "Joker," she breathed. "I think I'm in love with EDI."

"Hey, don't _I_ deserve some love?" the pilot asked. "It was me who kept the Normandy in one piece while you were taking your sweet time."

Shepard picked up his hat off the deck and leaned toward him with a half-smirk. Joker's pulse began to rise again, but this time in a good way. Shepard's face was red and sweat glistened on her forehead, her lips pale and dry. Her hair resembled a wild bush on fire and her armor was dirty and scratched, covered in a funny smelling substance.

But as she placed the hat on his head and winked at him, Joker knew he'd never seen a more beautiful woman in his entire life.

"You know you already have it," Shepard said, and Joker forgot how to speak.

"I have come to admire your qualities as well, Shepard," EDI said, causing both the commander and the pilot to give the blue orb a suspicious look.

"Good to know, EDI," said Shepard. "Now I'll go and check on Miranda before I have a talk with the Illusive bastard." She cracked her knuckles. "See you Joker, EDI. Play nice."

"Uh, commander?" Joker stopped her. "No such luck. Incoming call from you-know-who."

"Should have expected this I guess," Shepard said. "Patch him through Joker. Let's hear what he has to say."

* * *

After speaking to the Illusive Man, Shepard made her way to the med-bay.

Miranda was already up, sitting on a bed.

"How is she doc?" the commander asked, walking over to the XO.

"She'll be fine if she listens to me and avoids physical exertion," said Dr. Chakwas, raising her brows at Miranda.

"Then no ground missions for her until she's cleared," said Shepard, ignoring Miranda's evil stare. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Battered and bruised," Miranda replied. "I should have been prepared for another attack."

"This was _not_ your fault," said Shepard, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking into her eyes. "I'd say we did pretty good, considering. Don't you agree?"

Miranda looked down. "Have you spoken to the Illusive Man yet?" she asked.

Shepard nodded. "Not necessarily how I'd go about it, but he had his reasons," she said, watching the subtle relief on Miranda's face. "We have some new information. EDI's assembling the crew in the briefing room as we speak." She looked at the doctor. "Promise I won't let her run around."

"I can still walk Shepard," Miranda snapped as Shepard offered an arm and she stood up, groaning in pain.

"I wasn't offering to carry you," Shepard said, grinning. "That was a one-time deal."

Miranda grudgingly took Shepard's arm. "Fine," she said. "Lead the way, commander."

* * *

"So," Joker said, "Shit's starting to get real huh, Shepard?"

"No kidding. If we fail to get that IFF, all our efforts so far would have been for nothing," Shepard said. "We can't rush in unprepared." She turned to him in her seat. "So I have two words for you. Multicore. Shielding."

Joker's eyes opened wide. "You mean it Shepard?"

"I do. We have the resources, we have the expert and we have a very good reason."

"Finally," said Joker. "Oh, this is going to be great. I should get Tali something nice. Spare parts for her to tinker with?"

"Not bugging her while she worked would be the greatest gift, Joker."

Joker nodded. "Spare parts it is."

"If Garrus didn't kill you during the installation of the Thanix cannons, there's a chance you might survive this too," Shepard said, laughing. "Ok. We'll dock on Nos Astra. I have something to discuss with Liara while our engineers upgrade those barriers."

"That sounded ominous?" Joker said, setting the course for Illium.

"Yeah… I've been sitting on a piece of intel meant for Liara. It's time I gave it to her."

* * *

"The Shadow Broker?" Joker said. "Liara's going after the Shadow Broker? Are we talking about the same asari here?"

"Blue, soft features, kind eyes?" Garrus said. "Threatening to flay people alive the last we saw her? Yeah, that's the one."

"Shit," said the helmsman. "Is it really a good idea to give her that intel Shepard?"

"She'd find a way on her own sooner or later," Shepard said. "Now I can at least offer to be by her side."

"And if we're successful, think about the information we could get our hands on," Garrus added.

"Garrus, are you drooling?" Shepard said. "I'd never have thought you were one for the world of intrigue."

"Assets, weapons, resources, base locations…" Garrus went on. "Imagine the tactical advantage if we need it."

"Nope, still a military man through and through."

"Entering the atmosphere," Joker announced.

"Smooth," said Shepard, and Joker tipped his cap halfway with a cocky smile before he communicated with the Nos Astra Control.

A slow thumping noise approached while they docked. "So, are we there yet?" Grunt asked.

"We're here," Shepard said.

* * *

At Nos Astra, Shepard led Garrus a few steps away from Grunt.

"Garrus," she said, "Would you mind keeping Grunt company for a while? I need a moment with Liara." She stepped closer to him. "And keep him out of trouble?" They turned to the krogan who was looking around and sneering at the passers-by.

"I'll buy him a drink," Garrus said. "Hey, do you think he could be considered a minor?"

They looked at Grunt again, this time standing by the Memories of Illium. "They sell fish here, Shepard!" yelled the krogan.

"Buy him one anyway," said Shepard. "Maybe two. You know, just enough to tone down his Gruntness a bit."

"So long as you're paying," said the turian waving the credit chit.

"Hey don't go overboard," said the commander as she walked to the stairs leading to Liara's office.

"Shepard," said the asari as she entered, turning off the multiple holo displays flashing around her. "It's good to see you again." She stood up and gave the commander a brief hug. "Do you need something? How can I help?" she asked.

"Actually," Shepard said, "I come bearing gifts. Cerberus forwarded some intel that might interest you. About the Shadow Broker." She held out the datapad.

"Let me see," Liara said, going over the data. Then she stopped, staring at the display. "Feron," she uttered.

"Who's Feron?"

"He was a friend," Liara said and looked away, pursing her lips. "He helped me recover your body from the Shadow Broker."

"The Shadow Broker? Why did the Shadow Broker want my corpse?"

"He was planning to sell it to the collectors. But we stopped him. And Feron sacrificed himself for me."

"Harbinger," Shepard grated. "Then how did I end up with Cerberus?"

"They told me they could bring you back," Liara said. "I had to take that chance, Shepard."

"Liara," Shepard said, "If it weren't for you, the reapers would have dissected my body or turned me into a husk, and these are the optimistic options. They still hope to acquire my corpse, and honestly it's really creeping me out."

"I was afraid you'd feel betrayed—" Liara began, but Shepard interrupted her.

"Oh, I felt a myriad of emotions after waking up practically in the Illusive Man's arms, but you did what you had to do," she said and leaned closer, lowering her head slightly. "Don't you realize?" she asked, looking at her from under raised eyebrows. "You helped giving me my life back."

Liara replied with the serene smile Shepard had missed seeing on her lips.

"We'll get your friend back Liara," the commander promised, and Liara's heart filled with hope, knowing Shepard would keep that promise.

* * *

Liara T'Soni; the new Shadow Broker; stepped out of the shuttle in the hangar bay of the Normandy.

"Welcome aboard, ma'am," said crewman Patel. "This way, please."

Liara followed the crewman to the elevator and went up to Shepard's quarters.

"Enjoy your visit," Patel said, leaving her at the door to go back to her post.

"Shepard?"

"Liara, come on in," said Shepard as the door opened. "Sorry to ambush you like this but—"

"Hey Liara," Joker cut in.

"Liara," Tali said, "It's good to see you."

"Well, I've seen her not long ago, so," said Garrus.

Liara looked at her old friends' faces. "Goddess! Tali, Joker; it's wonderful to see you again," she said with a bright smile. "You too of course, Garrus."

"Dr. Chakwas was busy, but I promised I'll take you to see her before you left," said Shepard, pouring drinks. "Garrus, you have the dextro bottle?"

The turian nodded.

"I know none of us has much time, but I thought this would be good for morale," Shepard said, motioning to Liara to sit. "You've been through a lot."

"So have you, Shepard," said the asari.

"Yeah, this is where we remind Rye she'd died," Joker said. "You know, to lighten the mood."

There was a brief silence before Tali spoke. "Rye?" she asked.

Joker looked at the inquiring faces as Shepard sat next to him. He shot a glance at her, draping his arm across the back of the couch. "Riley?" he said. "Shepard? Commander?" _The woman who's sitting close to me and makes my insides flutter?_

"Ah," Tali said. "Sorry, I wasn't familiar with the abbreviation."

"Well I wasn't sure if any of you even knew my first name," said Shepard, leaning towards Joker to reach for her glass while she tried to suppress her smile.

Joker shifted his weight in his seat and gave her a quick look, their eyes meeting briefly before she looked away.

"So Liara," he said, forcing his eyes away from the commander. "Have you embraced eternity lately?"

"It's like you'd never left isn't it?" Tali said laughing.

…

"That creature was larger than Grunt, taller than me and had a worse temper than Shepard," Garrus said, putting his glass next to other emptied ones.

Liara was sitting next to Shepard, leaned back with a relaxed smile.

"Worse than Shepard?" Tali said. "It is hard to believe."

"Don't forget the horns," Shepard said. "He had horns like a goddamn bull."

"And how is it that you didn't try to recruit him?" Joker asked. "Sounds like your kind of specimen. Not that I'm complaining."

"I would have considered it," Shepard said, her elbows on the coffee table. "If he didn't try to eliminate me on multiple occasions, sell my dead body to the enemy, kidnapped and tortured Liara's friend…" She stopped. "Am I forgetting anything? Oh, tried to have Liara killed."

"Man, you sure can hold a grudge," Joker said, removing his arm from the back of the couch the exact moment Shepard decided to lean back.

The commander flinched at the touch, then she gasped, turning to Joker. "Shit. I'm sorry Joker," she said, putting a hand on his thigh. "You ok?"

"Yeah, it takes a bit more than that to crush me," Joker said, his gaze traveling from her hand to her bare neck and over her flushed, slightly parted lips, the pale freckles around her nose; stopping on her eyes.

Shepard slowly drew her hand away. "Good to know," she said and blinked, finding herself unable to look away. Her trance broke when Joker stood up, drumming his fingers on the side of his leg.

 _Fuck,_ thought the helmsman, his need to touch her on the verge of becoming embarrassing. _Think something else. Think the Illusive Man, making sweet love to Udina. And put a volus in the mix._

"Right, it's time to go," Garrus said seeing him get up, unwittingly coming to his rescue.

"Yeah, I bet EDI's been feeling lonely, not being able to torture me for a full hour," Joker said, exhaling.

"You know it's right there," Tali said.

"Don't remind me," the pilot grumbled as they walked to the door.

"It was nice to see you Liara," said Tali. "Take care."

"You too," said the asari as they left, leaving her and Shepard alone.

"Thank you for doing this Shepard."

"Sure," Shepard said, staring after them. She let out a loud breath and returned her focus to Liara. "I know we can't live in the past, but I'd missed this." She smirked. "Wrex is going to be so bummed when he hears about it."

"He's doing well," Liara said, noting her not mentioning Ashley. "I can keep tabs on everyone now."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "Your gentle looks make this all the scarier Liara," she said.

Liara chuckled. "I told you," she said. "Helping you will keep me honest."

"Feron doing all right?" Shepard asked as Liara finished her wine.

"He's recovering," she replied. "How are _you_ feeling Shepard?" she asked. "We never really had a chance to talk while I was too focused—"

"Obsessed," corrected Shepard.

"Fine, obsessed about ending the Shadow Broker," Liara said. "So, are you all right?"

"I… am," said the commander. "Yes, the threat is on a scale we've never faced before. Hell, it's on a scale nobody has faced for fifty thousand years. But I'll do everything in my power to eliminate it." Her lips quirked up on one side. "If I didn't believe I can, what would be the point of trying?"

"You've already done more than most," Liara said. "You've saved a lot of people on Horizon."

Shepard flinched, the memory of the collector ship fresh in her mind. "I'll do more," she said.

"I know. You'll get the job done. You always do." Liara stood up and looked around, her gaze stopping on the empty fish tank. "But what do _you_ want Shepard?" she asked. "What are you fighting for?"

Shepard's eyes darted downwards, her brows pinching together to reveal the small vertical line between them. "It is what I do," she said, her voice distant.

"That is not exactly an answer."

"It's the only one I have." She got off the couch and Liara walked to her, wrapping her arms around the commander.

"Then I hope you find a better one," she whispered before letting go.

Shepard turned around, picking up the frame Liara had given her. She put it on her nightstand. "Come on," she said. "I said I'll give you a tour, and Dr. Chakwas is waiting."

She left the room after Liara, shooting a glance at the tags inside the frame before the door closed.

* * *

"Come back soon," Shepard said as Liara got on the shuttle. It took off, and Shepard watched it disappear.

Feron's sacrifice and Liara's cold determination to get the Shadow Broker, Tela Vasir's fate; it had all started with her, Shepard could now understand. _I was the first domino to fall._

Until Liara broke down in her arms, the commander hadn't noticed the grief she had been holding back. After two years, the asari was finally able to stop and breathe.

 _Two years_ , she thought, making her way to the crew deck. Sometimes it seemed like such a short time. But when you suffered, even minutes could be too long.

She stopped by the main battery.

"Hey Garrus," she said. "Do you have a moment to talk?"

"Sure," said the turian. "What's on your mind?"

Shepard sat on a crate. "Are we ever going to talk about Sidonis?" she asked, straight to the point.

Garrus turned away from his terminal and leaned his back against the bulkhead. "Yes," he said after a while. "I think we should."

"You were mad at me," Shepard said. "Maybe a part of you still is."

"I wasn't mad at you Shepard," Garrus said. "It was… It's hard to explain."

"I did try to manipulate you into not killing him," she confessed. "I know you're aware. But I'm not sorry." She stood up and put her hand on his shoulder. "Make no mistake, I don't like the fact that your people are dead and he is not. However miserable his life is, he has a second chance, which is a lot more than what he gave you."

"Then why didn't you let me kill him?"

"Because it wasn't about him, Garrus. It was about you. I didn't want you to kill someone who had been your friend at some point in cold blood."

Garrus winced and reached for his visor. "I still wouldn't have lost any sleep over it," he said.

"That was precisely what scared me. Garrus, you don't want to change that way. Trust me on this." She shook her head. "It wouldn't even be an execution," she said. "It would be murder. It felt wrong."

"And what about the guy on Pragia?" Garrus asked. "Did _that_ one feel right?"

Shepard clenched her fists and looked down, taking a deep breath. "You heard about that too, huh?" she said.

"So where do you draw the line Shepard?" asked the turian. He had done a lot of soul searching after he'd let Sidonis go, and he agreed with the commander on some level, but that question had stayed with him.

"I didn't kill him Garrus," Shepard said. "Jack did. I told her to stand down."

Garrus let out a humorless laugh. "Don't give me that, Shepard," he snapped. "Not me. You know you could have stopped her if you wanted to. So why didn't you?"

"I…" she began, not sure what to say. She dropped back onto the crate. "His name was Aresh," she said. "He was put through all kinds of tests and torture, like Jack. Those sick bastards… I'll never tell Jack this, but I think she was the lucky one Garrus. She's still sane enough to be angry at those who caused her pain. I thought Aresh was damaged beyond repair. I've seen enough abused kids, believe me. The kids who become the abusers themselves. I know no one believes that he could've started any facility; but he managed to hire the blood pack, didn't he? He could have as well decided to start with one kid, and then the next… I couldn't risk it. I just…" She inhaled and looked Garrus in the eye. "No," she said. "No. It still didn't feel right."

"So if you had the chance, you'd act differently?"

"Don't ask me that. You know I hate hypothetical questions. I can't dwell on regrets Garrus. I don't have the time."

"I am asking for me Shepard," said Garrus. " _I_ need this."

Shepard brought her hands in front of her face, rubbing her left palm with her thumb.

"I don't know," she said in a whisper, looking down. "Maybe I was wrong; maybe he could be helped. But Sidonis; he had done his harm, it was over for him. He'll be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his days; that fear and his guilt are the only things he has left. Aresh was different. I felt that if he harmed any child, it would be on me." She lifted her head to look at her friend. "I don't know if this was what you needed Garrus, but it's all I have."

Garrus sat next to her on the crate. "It is enough," he said. "Thank you for being honest with me."

"Always."

"So what brought this up?" asked the turian. "Why now?"

"I didn't want any unresolved issues lingering between us," Shepard replied. "Talking to Liara made me realize how blind I can be sometimes."

"I could have told you that."

"Oh, shut up."

"There's no shame in admitting you just can't do anything without me, Shepard. Just like old times."

"You want me to kick your ass Vakarian? Just like old times?" Shepard said with a big smile.

* * *

Liara's shuttle was halfway to her base when the call came in from the Normandy.

"Hey Liara, it's Joker."

"Joker. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"Thanks for helping Shepard come back home," he said. "Joker out."

* * *

Shepard entered her quarters and threw herself onto the bed, tired but content. She was feeling sleepy, which didn't happen too often nowadays. She got up to notify Miranda that she'd get some rest, but she stopped in the middle of the room as she noticed something was different. She looked around, everything seemed in place but there was a subtle change, a faint flickering of light, a new sense of movement.

 _What the,_ she thought, and saw it.

She activated the comm to the bridge.

"Joker?"

"Commander?"

"There are fish in my aquarium."

"That's its purpose isn't it?" the helmsman said. "Good for you. I hear it's very calming to watch."

"Joker," Shepard repeated. "Why are there fish in my aquarium?"

"Why do you think _I_ would know anything about that?" Joker asked, and heard Shepard's silence getting louder through the comm. "Ok, fine," he said. "Remember something about giving your credit chit to Garrus on Illium?"

"Yes?"

"And Grunt was with him?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well he thought they were food."

Shepard closed her eyes and breathed in. _Garrus, you..._ "And how did they end up here," she asked, "looking at me with their sad, fish eyes?"

"Only one fish tank on the Normandy, Shepard. The automatic feeder is full and set by the way. Just touch the button."

"Their deaths will be on you Joker."

"Don't worry, Kelly promised to take care of them," Joker said. "Enjoy your new pets."

Shepard stared at the blue fish swimming idly about.

 _They_ are _calming to watch._

* * *

 **A/N: Lair of the Shadow Broker is a really long one, so instead of rewriting what I assume you guys already played, I decided to skip to the end. Not out of laziness mind you. It just would be too boring. This chapter still ended up having more in game dialogue than I care for, but well, it's done :/**

 **Hey, and thanks again for the reviews. You guys are awesome for taking the time.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because of reasons.**

 **A/N: This chapter feels weird to me. Maybe because my muse has run away, maybe because I started hating my lazy writing or maybe I've been watching too much Gintama, I don't know. It just does. And I suppose I'm writing this as a defense mechanism of sorts, like saying 'I already know it's weird, OK?' So yeah. Crazy person rant over.**

* * *

Joker got out of the elevator at the CIC, returning from his lunch break.

"Hi Joker," Kelly greeted him as the door to the tech-lab opened and Shepard walked out, rescuing the pilot from the dreaded small talk. Joker and Kelly looked at the commander who stood by the door, her face pale and pensive.

"Hey commander," Joker called and she turned to him. "You ok?" he asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Mordin," Shepard uttered, "sings."

"Oh," Joker said and heard Kelly giggle. "Any good?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, shaking her head. "Joker, go on ahead and set a course for the Citadel. I'll see you on the bridge in a moment."

"Aye aye," said the helmsman and after a brief moment of hesitation he began walking. He looked over his shoulder to see the commander busy with the terminal and he exhaled, glad to not have her in the audience.

He'd come a long way since the days he had to use crutches to walk, but he still felt self-conscious as he made his way through a crowd. He knew nobody was scrutinizing him on purpose, but he always caught the look on their faces as they noticed him coming. First there would be the recognition, and then their gazes would dart down to his legs after they see him limping. He'd have to shift his weight to one side at some point and they would get that apologetic expression before they realize it and look away, embarrassed. Joker was used to it, but that didn't mean he didn't hate them just a bit for it.

* * *

"Why the Citadel?" Joker asked after Shepard joined him in the cockpit.

She shrugged. "I've decided it's too much work to take out the collectors," she said. "I'm thinking of looking for a new job, maybe start a band with Mordin."

"We should have expected you'd snap sooner or later," said Joker. "Hey, how about a traveling circus? That way we wouldn't have to leave the Normandy, and we already have all the freaks we need."

"I like the way you think Moreau!" Shepard said. "But as tempting as that sounds, I'm just going to help Thane with something. I don't think we'll have too much time after getting the IFF." She huffed. "We need to be ready."

"The Normandy's as ready as she can be," Joker said.

"I have to make sure the crew is prepared too. We've been throwing around the words 'suicide mission' since the beginning," said the commander. "And though I fully intend to keep everyone on this ship alive, it's still a promise I cannot make." She lifted her head and exhaled. "I owe them a chance to wrap up any unfinished business." She looked at him. "That includes you too."

"Well I'm not dying yet," Joker said. "Neither are you. So I'll have plenty of time to settle my affairs." _Uh, what the fuck did I just say?_

Shepard perked up in her seat. "What?"

"What?" Joker parroted, his eyes on the displays.

"You have unfinished business with me Joker?"

Joker coughed and adjusted his cap. "I can see that you didn't think I was being serious about the circus thing," he said, shooting her a surreptitious glance. _This isn't the time to ambush her,_ he thought. _We take out the enemy first._ But he knew full well that in their line of work there would always be an endless supply of matters which he could use as an excuse to not talk to her.

"Guess you would be the clown?" Shepard said with a chuckle and stood up. She was aware Joker was being his usual evasive self, but she wouldn't push it.

"I was thinking trapeze acrobat," Joker deadpanned.

"Thanks Joker," said the commander. "Now I'll be imagining the crew in a circus _with_ Mordin's song playing in my head."

"Happy to help, commander."

 _This is better,_ Shepard thought as she left. _Calm is better._

There were some things that the commander knew well about herself. One of those things was that she liked to spend time with her helmsman. She knew her heart beat faster each time he looked at her a certain way, and warmth spread inside her whenever she touched him.

But Shepard also knew every time she got closer to him; a part of herself she could never get rid of told her to stay away. Layers of fear hardened around an old pain, still urging her to run. And she knew that she wasn't brave enough to face it yet, that she was frightened.

It was a strange sort of fear, one that made her run towards the horrors regular people would run from.

Yes, calm was better. Somewhere between the numbness and the madness, it was the place she struggled every day to keep herself within.

* * *

At the Citadel, Shepard and Tali made their way to the C-Sec office to meet Thane, who'd stayed behind to talk to his son.

"I can hear you Tali," Shepard said.

"I'm sorry Shepard," said the quarian, giggling. "It's just—"

"I'm not proud of it either, but I got the discount didn't I? I can't threaten or bluff my way to cheaper goods in every goddamn store."

"'I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in the Citadel,'" Tali said, mimicking her as Shepard gave her the stink eye. "Because you just couldn't live without that model of our old friend Sovereign."

"Well aren't you guys lucky to have a commander like me, to be the butt of all your jokes."

"Yes, we are," Tali said, giving her a side hug as Shepard grumbled.

After they reached the C-Sec, Shepard sent Tali ahead to the Normandy while she waited for Thane and talked to Bailey.

"Give him community service," she said to Bailey. "He wants to make a difference. I mean, he was trying to kill _Talid_."

Bailey laughed. "Between you and me, it might have been better if someone finished what he'd started. I'd still have to arrest that someone though."

"See, he was already trying to serve the community. Just misguided." She sighed. "Come on Bailey, you've already seen my 'I need a favor' face. Don't make me do it again, it hurts my cheeks."

"Shepard, you know no jury would agree to that," Bailey said as Thane walked out of the room.

"And that's why this needs to stay strictly within C-Sec," said Shepard.

"I'll think about it," said Bailey, and added as he saw Shepard smirking, "I'm not promising anything." He stood up and shook Thane's hand.

"Thank you, captain," said the drell.

"See ya, Bailey," said Shepard, leaving the C-Sec office. "Thanks again for everything."

"Thank you, Shepard," Thane said as they walked to the docks. "It was good, having a friend by my side."

"Anytime," Shepard said. "And don't worry, Kolyat will come round."

"I hope so."

"He will. That kid didn't want to kill anybody, we both know it. He was driven by something else," she said. "But now that you're in the picture again, he can direct all his frustration towards you." She looked at him, grinning.

Thane nodded and smiled. "It is comforting," he said, then stopped and held Shepard's arm. "I apologize, Shepard."

Shepard looked at him. "For Mouse?" she asked. "Thane, those kids' situation wasn't your fault. They were not your responsibility either."

"But I used them nevertheless," he said. "You fell silent after we spoke to him. And you punched Elias Kelham a few times more than it was necessary. It is apparent that you care."

"Still, you don't need to apologize," Shepard said. "I didn't punch _you_ , did I?" She sighed. "It's a bit close to home, Thane. That's all it was."

"I understand," said Thane as they waited for the Normandy's airlock to open.

Shepard smiled inwardly, enjoying the drell's company. Sharing comfortable silence was a rare thing to find, even among friends.

* * *

 _The woman looked up at the trees and the path before her._ I know this place, _she thought._ I have been here before. _The air was gray, and she was surrounded by shadows, apparitions. She approached one of them, reaching out. It changed into a gaunt, sickly teenage girl. She was beaten, if not tortured. She held out a trembling hand. "Isn't there more to life than this?" she asked. "Why didn't you help me?"_

 _The woman backed away, stumbled and fell down._

 _"Why am I here?" she yelled. "What do you want from me?"_

 _"Hey, why're you yelling Shepard?"_

 _She looked up to see the man standing over her. "O'Guinn?" she said and looked around. Kwan was sitting on the ground cleaning her pistol and Toombs was munching on a ration bar. Shepard jumped up, looking at the setting sun. "We can't stay here," she said. "They will be here soon." She tried to contact the patrol squad, ice cold panic running through her veins but all she got was static. "Jonas! Dogan! Anybody!" There was no answer._ I can still save them _, she thought as the ground began to shake. O'Guinn smiled at her, shrugging. Toombs began to scream in agony. "It burns Shepard!"_

I'm sorry.

 _"I don't regret a thing, commander."_

I am so sorry, Kaidan.

 _Shepard began walking._ I have to get out of here. _"Do you know why I couldn't kill you?" asked someone, walking next to her. "Why I flinched?" Morinth laughed. "Because I saw it. You're as empty as I am."_

 _"You're wrong!" Shepard yelled, her breathing becoming erratic. Morinth disappeared, leaving a shapeless shadow in her place._

 _Further in the woods, there was someone watching her, the commander could feel it. "I'm waiting," sang a voice._

Shepard woke up with a gasp, drenched in sweat. She sat up, waiting for her heartbeat to regulate, and her alarm went off.

She got off the bed, took a shower and got dressed, feeding Boo and the fish before leaving her quarters.

* * *

"Joker," Shepard said as she walked and stood next to his seat. "What's our ETA?"

"Twenty minutes to orbit, commander."

"Good. Let's go get that IFF."

Joker looked up at her. "You ok, Shepard?"

"Yeah I'm good. Why?"

"I don't know, something feels off," said Joker. "For starters, you don't have that scary glint in your eyes like you usually do before you go off to presumably kill things."

"Sorry to disappoint Moreau," she said. "But maybe I'm not all giddy because I'll most likely find corpses there?"

"See, now, even that comeback was half-hearted. You're literally going to enter the belly of the beast. Where's the enthusiasm?"

"Just what kind of impression do you have of me Joker?" she said, the corners of her mouth curling up.

"I can draw you a picture if you promise you won't kill me?" Joker offered.

"I'll even promise I'll frame it and put it on my desk," Shepard said, putting a hand on his shoulder. She took a deep breath. "Thanks Joker," she said.

"Huh? What for?"

"For being you," Shepard replied. "I should go gear up now. See you in a bit."

Joker turned around in his seat with a persistent smile that kept tugging at his lips. "Yeah, I'll see you," he said as he watched her go. "I'll just be here, continue being me."

* * *

"This does not look like the work of geth," Samara said as she, Mordin and Shepard entered the reaper husk and saw the first corpse lying on the deck.

"Human female, late twenties," Mordin observed, crouching beside the remains. "Been dead a while. Beaten." He stood up. "Fought multiple assailants. Didn't stand a chance."

"This is a dead reaper and there's a geth ship nearby," Shepard said as she walked to the work stations to check the logs. "I'd say we'll encounter husks."

"I am glad I will be able to honor my code by killing them," Samara said.

"That's the spirit," Shepard said, getting blank looks from both her and Mordin. "Ah, forget it." She played and listened Dr. Chandana's log. "We should make haste," she said. "What the doctor described sounded a lot like indoctrination. If this thing's systems are still active, we might end up worshipping Harbinger."

They walked to the door at the end of the passageway, and the reaper shook as it opened.

"Normandy to shore party," Joker's voice came through their earpieces.

"What just happened?" Shepard asked, getting the status report from Joker. "We'll have to go disable the barrier generators," she said. "But where might they be? And yes, I'm talking to you, EDI."

The AI came through like she always did, pointing them to the likely direction. "Be advised," she added. "This core is also maintaining the reaper's altitude."

"Got it," Shepard said. "It's the rabbit hole for us if we don't escape in time."

Mordin and Samara gave her another blank look. "We fall?" she said impatiently.

"Yeah I got you commander," Joker said. "But you might want to ease up on the 19th century literature references," he said, laughing. "Considering the company."

"Just pull us out when the time comes Moreau," Shepard said, moving on. "And it's a goddamn classic," she grumbled.

"Aye aye," Joker said with a slight smile. Shepard never asked him if he could do something impossible. She just trusted him to do it. "Good hunting."

"Seen play based on book Shepard referenced. Hanar interpretation," Mordin told Samara as they followed the commander.

"I have read a translation of the original," Samara confessed.

* * *

"Accurate conclusion about the husks, Shepard," Mordin said as a dozen of the creatures ran towards the squad. "Wish it weren't." He sent an incineration blast, followed by Samara's reave.

"Tell me about it," Shepard said as she elbowed one in the face and shot it as it fell down. "These things are the worst."

They moved forward after dealing with the waves of husks and listened to the logs they found on their way.

"They were confused," Samara said. "They forgot who they were. We should not let it happen to us."

"No, we should not." Shepard agreed and cloaked as more husks appeared before them.

"Two fell. Wasn't us," Mordin said. "Sniper."

"Shooter might be part of the Cerberus team," Samara said. "We should make contact."

"Take cover!" Shepard yelled as a blast of shockwave hit the crate by her feet. "Scion!"

"And more husks," Mordin added dryly.

"Yeah, I can see the dragon's teeth at the far end," Shepard said and sank into cover after delivering the second headshot to the scion while Mordin and Samara dealt with the groups of husks. "This is a huge facility. More than enough people to turn." She cloaked, aimed and fired again.

They reached the airlock after the enemy ceased coming, and the welcoming party of more husks greeted them as soon as they got past it. Shepard signaled her squad to cover but before they could take action, the creatures were dealt with; again by the mysterious sniper.

They looked up and saw the geth with the rifle on the upper walkway, standing down.

"Shepard-Commander," it said before turning around and walking away.

Shepard turned to look at Samara and Mordin.

"Geth never operate alone," the salarian said. "Stronger in numbers. Smarter too, as I understand."

"I have never heard of a geth speaking to organics," Samara said, and Shepard let out a sigh of relief.

"Good, you heard it too," she said. "But why would it help us?"

"No time, enemy in sight," Mordin said as husks began climbing the walkways.

* * *

"Almost there," Shepard said after killing her fifth scion and ran for the door that led to the core.

"Only remaining task is the destruction of the mass effect core," said Mordin.

"And then it's the rabbit hole for us," Samara said, crushing a crawling husk's head with her heel as she walked to them.

"Thank you," Shepard said, bypassing the lock on the door that led to the core. "But Joker will get us out."

"Yes. Very talented helmsman. Dedicated," Mordin paused. "To Shepard."

"Ok, we're in," Shepard said, shooting Mordin a glance over her shoulder. He smiled.

"There it is," said the commander, grabbing the IFF from the console. "Let's go bust that core."

"Cerberus team succeeded. Current location unknown," Mordin said.

"I have an idea where they might be," said Shepard. "You're not gonna like it."

They opened the last door to the core but a barrier stood in their way, preventing them from going further. The geth they'd encountered was in the room, working on the console as multiple husks approached it. It took some of them out, gaining enough time to lift the barrier before the husks overpowered it.

The squad rushed in, fending off the husks and Shepard cloaked, aiming at the core. She managed to do some damage, but before she could finish the job its protective shield activated, leaving them with no choice but to deal with the husks in close quarters.

Climbing from left and right the enemy closed in.

"This should burn through their armor," Mordin said, deploying fire tech as Samara used her area attacks.

"Your life is mine," the asari said as if singing a lullaby and Shepard had only one thought in her mind while she fired her Locust.

 _I will never watch a zombie vid again._

* * *

"Hey Joker."

Joker turned around, pursed his lips and gave Shepard a knowing nod.

" _Of course_ you brought home an intact geth. Because why wouldn't you? Right? Who in their right mind wouldn't?"

"I just fought swarms of those creepy things, almost plummeted down while inside a dead reaper but still managed to get what we were after," Shepard said. "So stop nagging and save it for _after_ I activate the geth." She grinned from ear to ear as Joker's jaw dropped. "But I already got a passive-aggressive message from the Illusive Man about it, so I'm really pleased with myself right now."

Joker ran his palms down his face. "We're all fricking insane."

"Come on, don't be a grouch," said the commander, taking the co-pilot seat. "You yourself were pretty awesome today as well."

Joker raised a brow. "Flattery," he said. "I approve."

Shepard gave him a quick smile, then stared out the viewport. "When EDI's done with the IFF, we hit the Collector Base," she said.

"We're ready."

"Yeah."

"We'll be all right."

"Of course we will."

"Me being so awesome and all."

Shepard laughed and stood up, looking at him.

"What?"

The commander sighed with a slight shrug. Yes, calm was good, but maybe a step towards madness wouldn't be so terrible.

 _We'll see,_ she thought, walking away and leaving a confused pilot behind.

* * *

"Commander," Kelly said as Shepard approached. "You've received a new message at your private terminal."

"Thank you Kelly," Shepard said, and noticed her expression. "Hey, is there something wrong?"

Kelly took a step to her, her brows knitted together and her lips pinched. "I was worried," she admitted. "First the Collector ship, then this."

Shepard smiled, giving her a pat on the side of her arm. "Means a lot to know you care, Chambers," she joked.

Kelly opened her eyes wide and laughed. "Of course I care," she said. "You already know I do." She stopped and took a short breath. "I've always admired you," she continued. "And I was ecstatic when I had the opportunity to work with Commander Shepard. But now you're more than that. I think of you as a friend, Shepard."

"I feel the same way Kelly," Shepard said, and realized she wasn't just saying it. She still kept a layer of caution when it came to Cerberus, but that didn't mean she didn't care about her crew. "Come on, we better get back to our work," she said. "Rough days ahead."

"You'll see us through them," Kelly said as the commander logged into her terminal. She watched her read something, and saw her body tensing up.

"Is everything all right, commander?" she asked, and observed Shepard's hand reaching to her chest, where her dog tags would have been.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Shepard said. "I should go. I didn't bring that geth here for decorative purposes."

* * *

"You asking to join us?" asked Shepard, trying to keep her cool. _It's a geth. It's a goddamn geth. It wears a piece of my old armor, and it speaks. Oh, Tali's gonna love this._

"Yes."

Shepard deactivated the barrier between them. "Then what should I call you?" she asked.

The geth's answer was simple. "Geth," it said.

Shepard tried again. "I mean you, specifically."

"We are all geth."

 _Ok, this isn't going anywhere._ "What is the individual in front of me called?" asked the commander through her teeth.

"There is no individual. We are geth. There are currently 1183 programs active within this platform."

Shepard closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. She gave the geth a tight lipped smile. "Look buddy," she said, "if you don't want me to call you C3PO from now on, just come up with something."

"'My name is Legion, for we are many'," EDI interfered, and her suggestion was accepted as an appropriate metaphor by both Shepard and the geth.

Shepard held out a hand and Legion mimicked her. The commander grasped its hand, which was neither hard nor cold as she'd imagined it would be. Legion's photoreceptor focused as they shook hands, and Shepard felt goosebumps all over. _For better or worse,_ she realized, _this is history in the making._

"We anticipate the exchange of data," Legion said as she left the AI core.

* * *

Shepard entered her quarters and logged to her terminal to reread the message she'd received from Admiral Hackett.

She stood up and walked to her bed, picking up the frame Liara had given her from her nightstand.

"EDI," she said, looking at the dog tags inside. "Tell Joker to set a course for Alchera."

 _She_ was brought back home. It was time she did the same for her lost crew.

* * *

"They want to build a monument," Shepard said to Joker and Dr. Chakwas in the med-bay. "And they want me to pick the spot."

"You sure you're ok with this Rye?" Joker asked.

"There are 20 crewmembers unaccounted for," Shepard replied. "I'm not leaving them behind."

They fell silent until the commander spoke again. "I thought you'd want to know."

Dr. Chakwas hung her head and nodded. "Maybe we could visit sometime, after they place the monument?" she said.

"I'd like that too," said Shepard. "I should go now. See you when I get back."

"They shouldn't have asked her to do this," Joker said after the commander left. "She'd died with them."

"Shepard would want to be the one to do it Jeff," said Dr. Chakwas. "And she should be the one to do it."

He shook his head. "I know," he said. "I still hate it."

* * *

Shepard got out of the shuttle at Normandy SR1's crash site. Pieces of the ship's hull were scattered all over the icy area.

She walked through them as memories haunted her; searching and collecting the dog tags from the frozen remains of her former crew.

 _The ice is fitting,_ she thought, giving the Mako a final pat before she returned to the shuttle.

Joker was waiting for her in the hangar bay when she got back. She stepped out and he walked to her. Without a word, Shepard wrapped her arm around his waist and put her head on his shoulder, letting him guide her to the elevator.

Joker followed her to her quarters without waiting for invitation and pried the dog tags she was clutching off her hand. He put them on the coffee table and sat down as Shepard removed her armor.

He picked up one of the tags after Shepard sat next to him. "Amina Waaberi," he read. She looked at him, swallowing. "She was from Mindoir," she said, her voice a broken whisper. "Her parents were killed by the slavers. She and her sister survived."

Joker picked up another one. "Silas Crosby."

"Fought in the Skyllian Blitz. Huge football fan. Married, no kids."

"Raymond Tanaka."

"He got drunk and barfed on Wrex once," Shepard said with a tiny smile. "Had a girlfriend he never shut up about. Angie."

"Caroline Grenado."

"Military brat," she said fondly. "She was planning to propose to her girlfriend. Poor Barrett had a crush on her."

"Charles Pressly."

"Gave me grief about the aliens aboard," Shepard said, the lump in her throat growing. "But his heart was in the right place."

"Carlton Tucks."

"From Yandoa. He had a son and a daughter. Wife was killed in the line of duty." Her hand sought Joker's as she took one and read, "Marcus Grieco."

Joker held her hand and looked at her. "He was kind of a jerk," he said.

"He _was_ a jerk," Shepard agreed. "Too many 'stand at attention' jokes. Good soldier though." She fixed her eyes on the overhead and swallowed again.

"Riley…"

Shepard turned to him. "I don't cry," she said. "I wish I could. But it just doesn't happen anymore."

Joker brushed her hair off her face, letting his hand linger on her cheek for a few seconds before he reached for another dog tag.

"Talitha Draven," he said, Shepard's hand still clinging to his as they continued remembering the dead.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because Bioware just wouldn't let my poor Shepard have Joker.**

* * *

The fish in the captain's cabin; now including the two new types Shepard had bought from the Citadel at Tali's insistence; created a ripple effect of light in the otherwise dimmed room as they swam.

Shepard let go of Joker's hand and the helmsman put it on his thigh, trying to ease the sudden coldness.

"Thank you," Shepard said, her eyes on the aquarium.

Joker gave an indistinct nod, staring at the coffee table.

"How come you always manage to be there when I need it?" asked the commander. "Just when did I begin depending on you?"

Joker turned to look at her, but she was still watching the fish. The undertone of accusation in her question hadn't escaped him.

"Are you expecting an answer?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I'm not used to this," she said. "Needing people for emotional support."

"I know the feeling," Joker said. "But think of it this way, none of us had tried to defeat an ancient race of overpowered machines that has the extinction of countless species under their belts before."

"Good point." She smiled. "Do you think it's weird that it scares me more than the reapers?"

"Well, yeah," Joker said. "But that's not surprising. You _are_ a weird person."

"The day I heard that from _you_ ," Shepard said with a hollow chuckle. She looked at him, eyes soft with regret. "Truth is, Joker, I don't really know anything besides fighting."

"You're N7," Joker reminded. "You know hell of a lot more than that."

"That's not what I meant," she said. "I still look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what I am doing. Why people are following me, sometimes to their deaths."

"I doubt anyone is following you chanting 'it's a good day to die'," Joker said. "We all know what we do might involve flying body parts at some point but we take that risk to make a difference." He paused. "Well in some cases also for the opportunity to helm the best ships." He looked at the dog tags lying on the table. "Soldiers die," he continued in a low voice. "We tell ourselves that every damn time. So we at least try not to die in vain. _You_ don't give up. You make that difference, make the sacrifices matter." He paused again and sighed. "That said, if I see any of those monsters you fight daily coming at me, I'll throw Garrus in their way and run."

"I'm sure Garrus would appreciate the sentiment," said the commander, laughing. "You had me worried for a minute there, being so insightful and all." She let out a heavy sigh. "You know what's funny?" she said. "Climbing ranks was the last thing on my mind when I'd enlisted. I only did what I was good at and the rest followed."

"Gah, look at you making the ICT sound so easy," Joker said. "You won't make any friends with _that_ attitude Shepard."

"Oh, it _was_ hell. If you didn't try with all that you had and you didn't have what it took you either went back home or you died." She smirked. "But once you completed the program, you became one of those who'd been to the hell and back," she said, crossing her ankle over her knee and leaning back. "The basic training was a vacation for me though," she went on. "Strange as it sounds, I felt freer than I ever did, after I enlisted. For the first time since my early childhood, someone other than me was responsible for me. I'd never had the luxury of not planning the next day before that." She laughed. "It was _such_ a relief."

Joker stared at the woman who'd been occupying his thoughts for the better of his time, realizing just how scarred she really was. His heart hurt as he looked into her blue-gray eyes, thinking of everything she'd accomplished all by herself. Her strength was built around those scars, not unlike his tenacity which was often fueled by his condition.

Shepard took a deep breath. "But when decisions needed to be made," she continued, "I wasn't one to wait around. I wouldn't have survived without being able to think quickly. So I led when people needed to be led." She paused. "I was just another unwanted child trying to prove her worth, to claim her place. Imagine my surprise when I ended up here, being this _Commander Shepard_."

 _Unwanted,_ Joker thought; the same rage Shepard had let go long time ago awakening inside him. He clenched his fists, feeling a dangerous desire to punish anyone who'd ever caused her pain. But Shepard put her chin in her palm and smiled, cooling his anger down like a wave washing over him. She was not that child, not anymore. Depending on the situation, she was a resourceful survivor, a deadly warrior, a hot-headed soldier, a smart leader, a compassionate mediator. But to him, she was this quirky woman who had made herself all those things from nothing. She was the beautiful weirdo with her unruly hair of an unlikely color, the person whom against all his efforts he couldn't help falling for. She most certainly was not unwanted.

"Riley," he said, "This is like you telling me you were just passing by and happened to squash Saren by mistake. You didn't _'end up'_ anywhere by coincidence."

"Joker," said Shepard, grinning. "Are you actually defending me against myself?"

"Well, yeah," the pilot muttered. "Even you don't get to downplay you."

Shepard's grin slowly faded from her lips as she looked away. "I know it wasn't luck that made me who I am," she said. "And I know what I'm capable of. But that's not always a good thing." She laid her head back against the couch and stared up at the overhead. "The more I feel, the more I'm scared of losing." She sighed. "And I'm afraid of who I'd become if I feel too much and lose once a—"

"You know what," interrupted the helmsman, "Be frightened all you want. You won't be able to drive any of us away so easily. I, for one, am planning to stick by your side even though it's clear you'll drag us into satan's loving arms next time."

Shepard straightened her back and furrowed her brow, her eyes following Joker as he got up off the couch and stood in front of her. "Rye," said the helmsman, putting his hand between her neck and shoulder. "I hear you, being a champion at emotional cowardice myself. But," he took his cap off and leaned forward, almost resting his forehead against hers, "I'll still be here, as I am now and I've been before. I'm just stubborn like that."

Shepard gazed into the clear green eyes fixed on hers, her racing heartbeat finding a stable rhythm. She reached out and touched his face, her fingertips like feathers against his skin as they moved from his cheek down to his unshaven chin.

"Then I'll hold you to that," she said, letting her hand drop back in her lap.

Joker straightened up and gave her a smile. He turned around and walked to the door, where he stopped and put his cap back on. "See you commander," he said without looking at her and left the room.

He entered the elevator and leaned his back against its wall. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, letting go of his inner resistance and finally admitting to himself the depth of his feelings.

 _Holy fuck. I'm so much more in love with her than I can sanely handle._

* * *

Shepard stayed put for a while after Joker left, watching the fish. A bubble of laughter was growing inside her, but it felt like it would make her cry when it burst.

She closed her eyes and slowly breathed in and out as the feeling faded away, leaving her to miss something she couldn't even name.

 _Hope_ , she thought, the closest word she could come up with. She had opened up, and the world hadn't ended. On the contrary, she had gotten the most unexpected response from the one person who had turned her heart into a turbulent mess. Jeff Moreau was a chaotic existence himself, but time and again it had been him who'd succeeded in steadying her. He was the one who'd stopped her from tearing herself apart when she'd thought he'd be the one to unravel her.

Needing someone like she needed him terrified Shepard. Thinking back, she couldn't even remember when it all began. She could recall the exact moment she'd seen him in a different light, the first time her heart thumped hard against her ribs upon his touch, but her dependence went back further than the physical attraction.

Joker had been, and still was her lifeline, the voice of the Normandy before EDI had assumed that role. The prickly cynic who'd become a part of her life like he'd been there all along. And now, she couldn't think of not having him at the helm, nor could she think of not having him by her side.

Shepard loved the Normandy. Maybe not as much and not the same way Joker did, but the ship was the first place she'd ever thought of as 'home.' And now she could see clearly that her pilot had a lot to do with it.

A smile spread across her face. While she kept bumbling like an idiot, weighed down by her own crazy; he had taken the first step to calm her down.

 _Hell,_ she thought. _I've been out-adulted by Joker._

* * *

"So this is your optimal capacity huh?" Joker asked. "It's been days since we acquired the IFF. How long is this going to take?"

"I can't say," EDI replied. "After the installation, I must test its impact on the Normandy's systems."

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard you the first time."

"Then I fail to see the reason behind your question, Mr. Moreau."

"Amazing that you still have the time to smart-mouth me."

"Thank you."

"That was not a compliment!"

"There's just no pleasing you," Shepard's voice joined in as she approached.

Joker flinched in his seat and turned around after collecting himself. "Shepard. Hey. What's up?"

"We," Shepard said, beaming, "have a new mission. Set a course for the Sea of Storms, Phoenix Massing."

"Aye aye," Joker said, bringing up the displays. "So what is it?"

"Legion," she replied. "We'll stop his old friends from turning every geth into reaper-worshipping synthetic zealots."

"So there really is a thin line between love and hate," Joker said as he entered the coordinates. "To think just a couple of years ago you were shooting at each other."

"According to Legion we'd never fought geth, just so you know," Shepard said.

"Well he'd say that, wouldn't he?" said the helmsman, looking at her. "Hell, you actually can't stop smiling. Were you that bored that you're happy to run errands for the geth?"

"Joker," said the commander. "Imagine a lot of geth, forced to side with the reapers, unleashed on the organics, merrily exterminating them. We don't want that," she explained.

"Yeah, when you put it that way," he agreed. "I would want to see a merry geth though."

"Ask Legion to do the robot the next time you see him," Shepard said with no trace of mockery in her voice. "Gotta go now. See you."

Joker squinted as he stared after her. "She's shitting me," he said. "Of course she's shitting me." He turned to EDI's holographic representation. "EDI?"

"I could scan through the video archives," said the AI. "But I am tasked to capacity."

Joker swiveled his chair around, facing his console. "EDI?" he said.

"Yes, Mr.—"

The helmsman leaned back with a smile on his face after taking his thumb off the mute button.

* * *

Inside the heretic station, Shepard, Legion and Jacob walked to the geth terminal after clearing the hostiles.

"Data mine and analysis complete," Legion said. "Shepard-Commander. It is time to choose. Do we rewrite the heretics, or delete them?"

"Legion," Shepard said. "Are you sure about leaving this decision to me? If you don't count Sovereign's doom saying and Harbinger's sweet talk, the only other AI I have spoken to is EDI."

"Your ship's AI does not have the freedom to act on its own," Legion pointed out.

"No," Shepard agreed. "She doesn't."

"It is for everyone's safety," Jacob said, and Shepard replied with a weak 'uh-huh.'

"Shepard-Commander," said the geth. "You have fought the heretics. You have perspective we lack."

"And _you_ have the perspective I lack," said the commander.

"Unlike most organics we have observed, you are willing to question and alter your conclusions according to new data. Majority of organics reject the new data when it challenges their old beliefs. They become hostile against it. You do not share this trait. We will accept your judgement."

"This might be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me," said Shepard. "But I can't apply the ethical norms of organics to your people. The inevitable mortality of our individual existences is too great a difference. So you gotta help me a little here, Legion. Would _you_ rather be destroyed than be brainwashed? If you had to choose, would you accept being rewritten?"

"You are asking us to speak for the heretics. We cannot. Our paths are diverged." Legion's photoreceptor focused on the destroyed mobile platforms. "We no longer understand each other."

"I still would like to hear your answer."

"We have not yet reached consensus. We are conflicted."

"On how to take action against the heretics. I'm asking for an opinion, not a decision. What would _the geth_ want? Can't you compare old data, run simulation using behavioral patterns?" Shepard sighed, making a dismissive gesture. "Forget it," she said. "I have no idea what I'm saying, and I can't stand hypothetical questions either."

"There are no similar memories in our databanks," Legion said.

"Wouldn't survival take precedence?" Jacob asked.

"That's the question, isn't it?" Shepard said. "Is being brainwashed really survival? But _we_ don't run on pure logic, not even Mordin." She turned to Legion. "Release the virus when we get control of the core, Legion. Take your people back."

"Acknowledged." Legion moved to the terminal. "Releasing virus. Note: Remote access via high gain transmission required."

"That sounded like a warning," Shepard said, and gave Legion a defeated look. "We'll have to run, won't we?" she asked. "It always ends with us running."

"The virus will be sent to heretics in nearby star systems. This station will broadcast a powerful electromagnetic pulse through FTL channels."

"How powerful?" asked the commander.

"Yield in excess of 1.21 petawatts. Alert: EM flux will be hazardous to unshielded organic forms. Addendum: The interior of this station is not shielded."

Jacob nodded. "Yep, we'll run," he said, and the station began to shake.

"Back to the ship! Double time, people!" Shepard yelled as the squad ran for the exit.

* * *

Back on the Normandy, Shepard hastened her steps as she walked to the med-bay. She'd wanted a quick bite after the mission, but her empty stomach had become the lesser issue when Joker had warned her about Tali.

She entered the med-bay and Dr. Chakwas shook her head, implying all was not well. The commander opened to the door to the AI core.

"Tali?" she said to the quarian who was holding Legion at gunpoint.

"Shepard," she said. "I'm glad you're here. I caught Legion scanning my omni-tool. It was going to send data about the flotilla back to the geth!"

"Creators performed weapons tests and were discussing plans to attack us. We believed it necessary to warn our people," said Legion.

Shepard listened as Tali voiced her frustration and Legion defended his actions.

"You can't let this happen, Shepard," Tali said. "I trusted you and I worked with a geth on the team but this is too much!"

"Tali, you need to calm down," Shepard said. "You have to know that I won't let Legion do anything to endanger your people. But I won't let you endanger his either. Can you honestly say he's wrong to worry? You are trying to destroy them."

"It's not that simple!"

"And Legion. What the hell were you thinking? I did not accept you here so you could spy on the crew. This is not where you fight each other. What we're trying to do here is crucial for _every_ sapient being. Your war cannot exist aboard this ship. I won't allow it." Shepard paused to take a breath. "If you send that data, it is going to cause a war that'd leave both your people vulnerable when the reapers show up. Is that what you had in mind, Legion?"

"We believed it was necessary to relay the information."

"I can't risk your conflicts get in the way of our operation. If you can't work together, it means you don't understand what's at stake. I can't trust either of you with this mission if that's the case."

"We did not intend to decrease operational efficiency," said Legion. "To facilitate unit cohesion, we will not transmit data regarding creator plans."

Tali lowered her weapon. "Thank you, Legion," she said. "I… understand your intention. What if I gave you some non-classified data to send?"

"We would be grateful," said the geth and Shepard breathed a sigh of relief, the tension leaving her shoulders.

"I'm sorry Shepard," Tali said as she and the commander left the med-bay. "I was—"

"Right to worry," Shepard cut in. "But I'm proud of you."

"If anyone could make me sympathize with the geth, it's not surprising that it would be you," the quarian said. "Maybe there's too much of our history that I don't know." She stopped, shaking her head. "But they are the ones who drove us from our home world, killed billions of my people. It was the geth, Shepard. Not the heretics."

"I know Tali. But this war has to end sometime," Shepard said. "When have holding on to old grudges ever really worked for anyone? Your people are risking extinction each time they make a move against the geth." She smiled and gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder. "But what I have just witnessed gives me hope for peaceful coexistence."

"I wouldn't go that far yet," Tali said, leaving Shepard at the mess to return to her post.

* * *

Shepard walked to the bridge after her meal and slumped into the co-pilot seat.

"Nope," Joker said. "We're still a day away from our destination. It's still too early for you to begin sulking."

"Hey, I can sulk whenever I want," said the commander. "You're not the boss of me. Oh wait; it's actually the other way around."

"You know when to pull rank, I'll give you that," Joker said. "You ok?"

"Well, I'm bored, scared and excited all at the same time. So you tell me."

Joker turned to her, smiling. "Yeah, you're fine," he said. "In about five minutes you'll leave that seat, try to coerce people into sparring and if it doesn't work out you'll run and lift weights for a couple of hours followed by some target practice. Then you'll be back here with that exact expression on your face like you have now and sulk some more."

"You think you know me so well," Shepard said, squinting at him.

"I'm sorry, was I wrong?"

"I won't have the same expression when I come back," she grumbled, standing up.

Joker laughed, watching her go. "See you commander," he said and turned around with an involuntary sigh.

* * *

"Has anyone seen the commander?" Donnelly asked at the mess table. "I was hoping for a rematch."

"She's with Thane," answered Garrus as he picked up a tray. "They're meditating."

A grin appeared on Kasumi's face and her mouth opened.

"Don't say it Kasumi. They _are_ meditating."

"I wasn't going to say anything," lied the thief.

"She's been spending a lot of time with the assassin," Jacob said, disapproval lacing his voice.

 _She has?_ Joker thought. Shepard hadn't come back to the cockpit like he'd predicted, and he'd assumed she was resting. _And since when does she meditate?_

Joker hadn't been aware that the commander was on friendly terms with Thane. Then again, she was building a team and she'd helped the assassin with his son. It was natural that they'd have an amicable relationship, like she had with each member of her crew.

But for some reason, he was irritated.

"Thane is dangerous, mysterious _and_ gorgeous," Kelly said, unknowingly naming that reason. "I can't blame the commander."

Kenneth opened his mouth for a crude remark, but decided against it upon seeing Gabby's expression.

"Unbelievable," said Joker. "This is Commander Shepard's team, the Normandy's crew. Supposed to be the best of the best. But here they are, gathered round a table, gossiping like a bunch of teenagers."

"We talk about Shepard because we care," Gabby retorted. "But I can see why that might be hard for you to understand," she said, getting a look from Joker that would be the equivalent of a thanix cannon if looks could kill. She blinked and turned to Tali. "It would be good for her," she said. "Everyone needs a little romance." She sighed and shot Donnelly a sideways glance.

"Yeah, nothing boosts the will for survival like falling for a dying man," snapped Joker.

"We _are_ heading for a suicide mission," reminded Miranda, effectively putting an end to the topic.

"You certainly know how to cheer up a crowd," said Garrus, looking at the suddenly thoughtful faces of his fellow crew members. He turned to Joker.

"They're just meditating," he said in a lower voice.

"None of my business."

* * *

Shepard opened one eye and glanced at Thane. Seeing he was motionless like an inactive mech, she opened her other eye too.

She exhaled heavily.

She tapped her feet.

"I'm bored," she announced at last.

Thane opened his eyes.

"How long does it take to find your inner peace anyway?"

The drell smiled. "Your thoughts won't let you relax," he said. "I understand. You are in a hurry. Even at this moment, where you can't do anything but wait, you still are in a hurry."

"I'm trying Thane," said Shepard. "But maybe sitting still and thinking of nothing isn't the way for me."

"Maybe not. But something made you seek assistance. Perhaps you'd prefer to talk some more?" He leaned forward. "But about you this time."

Shepard shifted in her seat. "I don't really do that. Besides, we already have a counselor on board."

"One you do not fully trust. And how well can she really understand your unrest?"

"And do you?" Shepard asked. "Understand my 'unrest'?"

"I might be able to if you're willing to tell me. You've taken on a very dangerous mission, and a heavy responsibility. But that is not it. You have no second thoughts about your task, I can see that." He studied her face intently. "Are you anxious about surviving?" he asked. "About what your place will be in this existence if the war with the reapers is won?"

Shepard clasped her hands in front of her face and exhaled, surprised how well Thane put her doubts into words. She opened her mouth, realizing she didn't even know where to start. _How easy it was, speaking to Joker,_ she thought. The first time she'd been able to reveal something about herself without her words growing bigger in her mouth, without choking on them. _Isn't that exactly why I am here?_

Thane sat there waiting like a patient parent, so tranquil as if he had all the time in the world. Shepard liked that about him. She even envied his calm a little, his acceptance. And it seemed that he did understand her in a way her closest friends could not; they lacked the impartiality. Thane could see her darkness, most likely because he knew what it looked like and it provided her a strange comfort.

"All my life," she began, "I've fought. For survival, for vengeance, for redemption. Now I fight for everything I believe in, to protect everything I care for. But who am I beyond that? Can I _be_ anything beyond that, beyond the fight?" She looked into his eyes. "Were _you_ able to, Thane? When you tried to leave it behind and start a new life, one didn't include taking lives? I know you started freelancing to support your family, but if you didn't have to do that, if you already had the means could you have lived like that?"

"No," answered Thane without hesitation. "I was happy, but I was not complete. I wasn't fulfilling the demands of my training. That left a part of me… Vacant. When I started to sell my services, I drifted away from my family; further with every assassination. I've made a mistake thinking that I could have both; and my wife paid for it. I abandoned my son, telling myself it was for the best. And the part of me that wished to be near them did not let me find peace."

"Are you telling me that you are not in peace?" asked Shepard. "If so, you hide it very well."

"It is not intentional. I miss Irikah, but I know there is nothing I can do to change past events. I have come to terms with it a long time ago." He paused and stared out the viewport. "Falling in love with Irikah awakened me," he continued as if talking to himself, "But also pierced my spirit in a way that could not be mended."

"I'm sorry," said Shepard. "I thought speaking to Kolyat was helping."

"It is," he said. "I do not wish to die Shepard, but I know my cure lies across the sea." He turned his gaze again to her. "Tell me, how do we always end up talking about me when I try to get you to talk about yourself?" he asked.

"It is a gift," she quipped, shrugging.

"You still have your guard up," Thane remarked with some disappointment.

Shepard sighed. "Sometimes," she said, "I feel this emptiness in the middle of my chest, like some kind of vacuum. No matter how hard I try to close it, it never goes away. And I fear that if I..." She huffed. "I want to take a step forward without fearing that it will consume me. This is why I asked you to teach me how to meditate. This is why I needed help. I need to get rid of it, so I can move on."

Thane nodded and put his elbows on the table. "Do you know what impaired _your_ soul?" he asked.

Shepard brought her right hand to her chin, her fingers covering her mouth. _Dying? No. It was there before that. It had always been there._ "No," she confessed after a moment's silence. "Maybe it's just the way I am."

"I do not think you believe that," said Thane. "But it is easier when one knows what is missing." He stopped, his eyes moving rapidly as if he was dreaming before they focused on her again. "There will always be battles for you to fight, as long as you wish to keep fighting." He took a deep breath and smiled. "Shepard," he said. "Not once have I wished I had not met Irikah. Not even after I caused her death."

Shepard's eyes darted down. "Thanks," she whispered. "I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

"You're late," Joker said without turning around. "Have you found nirvana yet?"

"I have found," Shepard said, standing next to him, "that meditation isn't really for me."

"That's a shocker," said the helmsman. "Who would have thought? Oh right, anybody. Anybody who knows you would have thought."

Shepard smiled, putting her hands on his shoulders. Joker felt his hands go numb, which was good because he wasn't sure that he could keep them off her otherwise.

"You remember what we talked about?" she asked, leaning forward. "About me being scared?"

"Uh-huh," Joker croaked, his throat suddenly too dry.

"I'm going to get over it," she said. "And after we complete our mission, we'll get that drink; you and me. How does that sound?"

Joker lifted his head and turned to her. "You should meditate more often," he said.

Shepard's hands left his shoulders as feeling returned to his.

"I'll see you Jeff," she said with half a smirk on her lips.

"I'll see you Rye," Joker replied as she walked away.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: This part had to have a lot of dialogue from the game, and to compensate I made it a long one. I divided it into two chapters for easier reading. I'm uploading them both, so enjoy (I hope, as always.)**

 **Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because staring at my screen and trying to come up with stuff is my favorite sport.  
**

* * *

The elevator door opened at the CIC and the commander walked out, making her way to the galaxy map.

"You have no unread messages, commander," Kelly informed her.

Shepard acknowledged with a nod and stepped onto the platform to monitor the trajectory. The yeoman turned to her, trying to see her face which was partly obscured by her hair. She leaned in to see her more clearly, her eyes growing wider.

"Shepard, what happened?" she asked, staring at the small cut on her swollen upper lip.

Shepard huffed and looked at her, revealing the bruise decorating her left cheek. "Sparring accident. Nothing to worry," she said with a slight lisp. Seeing Kelly was not satisfied with her answer, she elaborated. "Grunt."

 _The krogan leaned forward, putting his weight on his right shoulder and using his arms as shields._

 _"Don't be scared, I'll go easy on you," Shepard teased, and Grunt charged with a roar._

 _Shepard leapt to the left and rolled out of harm's way, jumping on her feet behind him before he could recover his balance. She slammed her elbow against his hump and ducked to avoid the incoming blow as he turned around, the krogan's arm passing over her head and ruffling her hair. She landed two fast punches to his side before she backed up, grinning madly at Grunt._

 _The krogan let out a loud laugh, punching his palm as he too drew back. They looked at each other from the opposite sides of the mat, priming for the next round._

 _Grunt charged again, right shoulder forward. Shepard ran to him, hoping to tackle him while she dodged his headbutt. But the same moment she dove for the kick, she saw him shift his weight to his left._ Shit, _she thought as her kick landed to his leg; and not being able to break her planned momentum, she rolled to her right. Grunt lost his balance and his gargantuan body tumbled towards her as she tried to jump back up, but before she could stand straight the krogan's shoulder slammed against hers. Despite the Cerberus upgrades, Shepard still weighed only a third of Grunt without her armor. She flew with the impact and landed on her side, her face hitting the mat as the krogan broke his fall with his arms and pushed himself up._

 _"The victory is mine!" he yelled as Shepard sat up, wiping the blood from her split lip. She smiled and winced, shifting and rubbing her jaw before she stood up._

 _"Not so fast," she said, taking position._

"I see," Kelly said, asking nothing further as Joker's voice came through the comm.

"Hey commander, good news," he said. "Looks like the reaper IFF is finally hooked and ready to go."

"That is not entirely accurate, Mr. Moreau," EDI intervened. "The device is powered, but it is causing unusual instability in other systems. I recommend a more thorough analysis before we attempt to use it."

Shepard jumped off the platform, walking to the bridge. "We didn't come this far to lose due to an overlooked error," she said. "Fix it, EDI. We're not taking any chances." She stopped next to Joker's seat. "Guess we're taking the shuttle for this one."

"I'll make sure we're up and running when you get back," Joker said, looking at her. He stuck out his lower lip and knitted his brows. "Grunt?" he asked, getting a nod as they heard Miranda's voice.

"Commander," she said through the comm. "I've already notified the team. We'll meet you on the shuttle."

"Good, I'm heading down now," said Shepard. "See you at the hangar bay." She patted Joker's shoulder. "The ship's yours," she said. "Take care of our girl."

"Aye aye, commander."

* * *

"Love your makeup Shepard," Jack said as the commander stepped into the shuttle.

"The artist is right there," Shepard said, gesturing to Grunt. "If you like it so much, just ask him."

"Anytime you want," Grunt said.

"Then maybe I'll give you a tattoo or two," said the biotic.

Tali and Garrus looked at each other.

"Just like old times?" Tali said.

"Just like old times," Garrus agreed. "Faces might change, but the spirit stays the same."

"You call it spirit, I call it crazy," Kasumi said, eyeing Jacob as he attached an extra ammo pack to his thigh plate.

Shepard sat between Thane and Mordin, watching her people and realized it would be like solving a fox, chicken and grain puzzle to decide who to take with her.

Leaving both Jack and Miranda on the small vehicle didn't seem like a very good idea, and Grunt was just a small provocation away from any fight at all times. Jacob alone wouldn't be enough to handle them if she took Garrus, and the commander wasn't sure just how much Samara's oath would tolerate before her code decided it was _too_ much. Zaeed would probably lean back and enjoy the mayhem if it came to that, Kasumi would disappear and Mordin would use the opportunity to collect samples. Thane was strong but he wasn't a leader, and Legion and Tali had their own hundreds of years old issues.

Shepard took a good look at them.

There they were; among the death glares, the intimidating, brutal war stories and the calculating cautiousness; a team. They might have looked like a randomly put together patchwork with mismatching colors, but they were a team nevertheless.

 _Nah,_ she thought with a smile as the shuttle took off. _They'll be just fine._

* * *

"I'm telling you EDI, your readings are off," Joker said, checking the diagnostics for the third time. "It's radiation bleed, just white noise."

"I have detected a signal embedded in the static," the AI insisted. "We're transmitting the Normandy's location."

"Transmitting?" the helmsman asked, feeling the blood drain from his limbs as his pulse quickened. "To who?"

EDI didn't have the time to answer as the collector ship appeared right above them, visible both on Joker's screen and from the viewport.

"Oh, shit," Joker uttered as the huge ship approached them. "We're getting out of here," he said, hands flying over the controls.

"Propulsion systems are disabled," EDI said. "I'm detecting a virus in the ship's computers."

 _Fuck._ "From the IFF?" he asked. _What else would it be, genius?_ "Damn it, why didn't you scrub it?"

"Primary defense systems are offline. We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you must help me."

Joker tried not to get distracted by the commotion in the background as EDI told him what she had in mind.

"Give me the ship."

 _This isn't happening._ "What? You're crazy," he said. "You start singing 'Daisy Bell' and I'm done."

"Unlock my sealed databases, and I can initiate counter measures. The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow passage to the AI core."

Joker looked behind him, listening to the chaotic noise of pounding footsteps, yelling and gunfire. He lifted himself up off the chair. _What can I do?_ he thought. _What else can I do?_

"The main corridors are no longer safe. The collectors have boarded," warned the AI as the pilot began moving toward the CIC. "The emergency floor lighting will guide you, Mr. Moreau."

 _I know the way for fuck's sake,_ he thought but he complied, his body moving on instinct.

"Ah, damn it," he said, walking as fast as he could. When he was halfway to the tech-lab, the elevator door to the CIC opened and he saw a collector get out, attacking Goldstein and Hadley.

He flinched where he stood as they shot at it, the rapid firing and the smell of heated metal leaving him momentarily paralyzed.

"We'll hold it off as long as we can!" Hadley yelled. Joker stared at the thing coming at them with full force, even after the crewmen's ceaseless attacks. "Goddammit Joker, go!"

Joker shook himself and kept moving, the door to the tech lab closing behind him, muffling Goldstein's scream.

 _Shit_ , he thought as he followed EDI's directions. None of the people left aboard had much field experience. He looked down the maintenance shaft. _Is Goldstein dead? Are they dead? Did they die so I could do this?_

A praetorian bumped against the transparent panel in the room, startling him and bringing him back to his senses. "Shit, shit shit shit," he repeated, cursing his body that just wouldn't move any faster as he climbed down the ladder and crawled his way to the life support deck.

Hawthorne was there, guarding the door. "Stay close, I'll protect you," he said and went ahead to ensure him safe passage. Joker followed and saw him hit the floor as he tried to reach the med-bay. The collector closed in, leaving a trail of clear slime oozing from its ruptured carapace as it moved. Joker hurried to Hawthorne and the man got back up. "Go!" he shouted and ran to the approaching enemy, taunting it away from Joker. Joker moved, but paused again as he heard Kelly's scream. "Kelly!" he yelled, turning around to see her being dragged into the elevator.

"Hostiles are closing in," EDI warned.

 _Fuck this,_ he thought, looking around for a pistol, a knife, anything he could use to hurt those things. His crewmates were being hauled away right before him, he had to do something. _And then what?_ he questioned himself, his logic rebooting. _Hi, please snap me in half while I charge at you in an outburst of rage and irrational gallantry._

He picked up his pace, entered the med-bay and threw himself into the AI core, panting as the door closed behind him. He stood by the AI Core controls. "All right," he said. "I'm at, uh, you."

"Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module," EDI instructed.

Joker exhaled, steadying his shaking hands. "Great. See, this is where it starts, and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who'll they blame." He began working on the console as he went on. "'This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the overlord.'" He stepped back as the room went dark. _I guess this where I figure if I fucked up or not._

The lights flickered and came back on, and Joker allowed himself a short sigh of relief as the power was restored.

"I have access to the defense systems," EDI said. "Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering."

"You want me to crawl through the ducts again?" the helmsman complained, staring at the emergency lighting that led to the maintenance shaft.

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees," said the AI, and Joker gave the blue orb a long, stupefied look.

"That is a joke," EDI clarified.

"Right," he said as he entered the shaft, and let out a hollow laugh which turned into a manic fit, echoing inside the ducts.

He entered the deck below engineering where Jack had made her nest and moved to the stairs as EDI warned him about the hostiles. He nodded and climbed the stairs, his throat parched and his shirt soaked with sweat.

"What the shit?" he said as a shadow of something big and armed appeared and vanished on the bulkhead, and he caught the collector carrying a pod with the corner of his eye before he entered the engineering.

"Activate the drive and I will open the airlocks as we accelerate," EDI said. "All hostiles will be killed."

"What?" Joker asked, but ice cold realization was already there. "What about the crew?" he said, still hoping for another answer. There was none.

"They're gone, Jeff. The collectors took them."

"Shit," he said, walking to the drive core. They had taken them. If they'd wanted them dead, they wouldn't have bothered to board. They were alive. They had to be. If not, what would be the point of leaving them to be dragged by those monsters? "Shit," he whispered again.

"I am sealing the engine room," EDI informed as he activated the core. "I have control."

Joker braced for impact as the waves of energy built up around the core and the FTL jump commenced. The Normandy accelerated, fleeing the scene as the helmsman was flung backwards to the deck.

"Purge is complete. No other life forms on board. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors," EDI said as Joker groaned and sat up. He gulped, staring above and around him, then doubled over with a surge of nausea which went away as fast as it came.

 _I've lost them all._

He stood up. "Send a message to Shepard's shuttle," he said. "Tell her what happened."

"Message away. Are you feeling well, Jeff?"

Joker rubbed his face, the anxiety dulling his pain.

"No," he said, turning around to go and get some medigel from the med bay. "But thanks for asking."

* * *

The Kodiak landed inside the hangar bay and its hatch opened. Its passengers left the shuttle in a silence that was on par with the Normandy's ghost ship feel as the first group including the commander entered the elevator.

"Mr. Moreau is waiting in the briefing room," EDI said as they got out at the CIC, and Miranda turned to Shepard.

"Not now, Miranda," Shepard said, her voice level but threatening. The XO shook her head and followed the commander to the briefing room.

Joker was sitting on the table, making full use of the brim of his cap as he avoided eye contact. Shepard paced back and forth in front of him, trying to find something to say, but Miranda acted faster.

"Everyone?" she asked. "You've lost everyone and damn near lost the ship too?"

Shepard stopped her pacing and walked to Miranda, taking the space between her and Joker.

"I know, all right," Joker retorted. "I was here."

"It's not his fault Miranda," Jacob defended him. "None of us caught it."

Joker looked at him, his hungry frustration seeking a target. Who better than him, the protector, the straight man, that patronizing Mr. Can't do wrong? He clenched his jaw, fully aware he was being unfair which made him hate himself more, and in return angrier.

"Mr. Taylor is correct," EDI said, explaining the complexity of the virus.

"I heard it was a rough ride," Shepard said, taking her eyes off Miranda. "How are you holding up?"

Joker looked around the room, hearing the crew's screams, shrill in his head once again. "There's a lot of empty chairs in here," he said.

"We did everything we could, Jeff," EDI assured him.

"Yeah. Thanks mom."

"Are we good to go now?" Shepard asked. "Can you guarantee that the ship's clean?"

Joker told them that it was, and that they were ready for the Omega 4 relay.

"Don't even get me started on unshackling a damned AI," Miranda spat, folding her arms across her chest.

Shepard took a deep breath, barely stopping herself from yelling at the woman. Miranda was probably right to be concerned, and Shepard probably didn't have the coolest of heads at the moment. But still, making it sound like Joker had any other choice, making it sound like this was his fault when he saved the ship from an impossible situation was too much. Especially when he could have been easily taken, or even killed.

 _He could have been killed._

Shepard felt a cold shiver down her spine as her throat tightened. Miranda and Joker were still talking, but their words were a mere buzz in her ears. Her heartbeat echoed inside her skull, drowning everything but the sound of her blood flowing. She clenched her fists and rolled her neck, waiting for her hearing to come back as if she was recovering from a flashbang grenade.

"—cleared the ship. She's all right."

"I assure you, I'm still bound by protocols in my programming," EDI said. "Even if I were not, you are my crewmates."

A silent, distraught chuckle contracted Shepard's stomach. _Isn't this the kind of thinking that led to the Geth War?_ she thought as she noted the scowl on Miranda's face.

"EDI could kill us right now if she wants to," she said, the idea scaring her a little. But when she thought about it, Joker also had the power to kill them all if he felt like it when he had the helm. "She's with us," she said. "And we're taking the fight to the collectors. Jacob, Miranda; go back to your stations. Joker, you stay a minute."

Joker hung his head and twisted his cap in his hands as they left the room.

"I'm sorry," he said, "For the crew and…" He paused and looked into her eyes. "You know what, I'm not sorry," he snapped. "What the hell were you thinking, leaving us like that? Guess what, this is what happens when you leave the cripple in charge. Maybe I should just go, just… leave at the next port."

"You don't mean that Jeff," EDI said.

"No. I don't. But it felt good."

Shepard wasn't listening either of them. She stood in front of Joker, her eyes blazing with fury. Her hands were balled up into fists and her jawline throbbed as she looked at and through him at the same time.

"They," she said, her voice rough and shaky. The words clawed at her throat as they came out. "They could have killed you."

Joker stared, taken aback. His brows twitched with a slight, involuntary tilt of his head but they relaxed again as he took a short breath. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "The others could still die if we don't do something about it," he said. "They threw themselves between me and those things, just so I could save the day." He looked away and shook his head. "I still couldn't."

"You did everything you could," Shepard said. "You made the right choice, trusting EDI. When we got her message, I…" She took a step to him, tapping her right fist against her thigh. "Jeff, we can't do this without you," she said. " _I_ can't do this without you."

Joker put his cap on the table and reached out, taking one clenched hand in his palms. He massaged it until her fingers relaxed, revealing the bloody marks where her nails had dug in.

Among all the guilt, anger and concern, a tiny bit of selfish glee curled the corners of his lips into a faint smile. "You won't have to," he said, letting go of her hand. "Didn't I already make that promise?" He got off the table, closing the small gap between them. Despite his crooked posture, he still stood a few inches taller than her, something Shepard had never noticed before. He wrapped his arms around her and Shepard returned the embrace with a heavy exhale against his neck. _He's here,_ she thought. _He's right here. But I'll still kill every single one of them._ She held him tighter, resting her lips on his shoulder until she felt him wince.

"I'm sorry," she said, drawing back. "Did I hurt you?"

Joker picked up his cap from the table and put it back on. "Yeah," he said groaning as he adjusted the brim. "But totally worth it." He gave her a crooked smile. "Okay. I'm ready to save the day."

"Head back to the bridge then," said Shepard, already missing his body against hers. _Compartmentalize,_ she thought. _Focus._ "Let's go get our people back."

"Aye aye, commander."

* * *

After briefing the rest of the team, Shepard joined Joker on the bridge.

"You sure you're ok Joker?" she asked.

"I'm good, nothing to worry," he replied. "And EDI pretty much has everything covered."

"My predictive capabilities will mesh well with Jeff's reactionary piloting," EDI said.

"She means she'll try to keep up when I spaz," Joker translated.

Shepard gave him a confused grin. "She calls you Jeff and you finally call her 'she'," she observed.

"Huh? Really? I hadn't noticed that. EDI, should I have noticed that?"

"No, Jeff," said the AI. "It is not worth noting."

"Holy hell, look at you two! Hey, I seem to recall you telling me something about a thin line between love and hate just the other day," the commander teased.

"Uh, remember when you went frolicking among the warm rocks on Lorek? We were here, being attacked by the collectors and EDI saving my ass. So yeah, you can call it fire-forged friends or whatever."

"All right, no need to get so defensive. I wasn't actually implying you were flirting with her." She raised a brow. "Were you flirting with her?"

"What Jeff and I are exhibiting is more a platonic symbiosis than hormonally-induced courtship behavior," EDI explained, complicating the matters. "If I were to compare _your_ interactions—"

Joker interrupted her with a loud cough. "Okay, yeah, that sounded creepy," he said.

"Then," Shepard said as she recovered from her own coughing fit, "We have no reason to delay. Set the course for the Omega 4 relay."

"The reaper IFF is online, but there is a chance that the Normandy may not survive the Omega 4 relay," EDI said. "Once we are en route, we are committed."

"No more waiting," said the commander. "The collectors took my people, threatened my ship." She cracked her knuckles. "They are about to find out what happens when you piss me off," she added through her teeth.

An impish smile appeared on Joker's lips as he turned to the displays. "You got it commander," he said as she turned around to leave. "Plotting a course for the Omega 4 relay, ETA about two hours. I'll let you know when we arrive."

Shepard walked back to the CIC, where Miranda was waiting for her by the galaxy map.

"The trip should take a few hours after Joker finalizes the preparations," said the XO, then paused and looked at the commander's face. "I'll admit it Shepard. I'm impressed," she said. "You got us here. Are you ready?"

Shepard laughed. "Like that ever mattered," she said and her expression hardened. "We will succeed," she assured her. "I don't expect it to be easy, but whatever awaits us beyond that relay, we have the right team for it."

"I hope you're right, commander," Miranda said. "We'll know soon enough. I'll inform you of any changes. Otherwise, we'll be there in a few hours. Good luck Shepard." She smiled, a gleam of melancholy reflecting in her eyes. "See you on the other side," she said and saluted.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I tend to mix the paragon and renegade responses with my own words, and sometimes I change them completely. Just wanted to clarify in case of confusion :)**

 **Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because I loved that game too damn much.**

* * *

Shepard left her quarters after taking a shower and feeding the pets. _Kelly won't be able to,_ she thought, trying to remain hopeful. She'd watched the feeds, some of the crew had been wounded but there were no casualties as far as she could see. She shooed away the image of rotting human bodies she'd seen on the collector ship, anxious to hear Dr. Chakwas' voice once again. _I'll get you all the fancy brandy I can get my hands on doc,_ she thought. _Just please be alive._

She entered the elevator and went down to the CIC. Jacob had said he would take care of the rations in the absence of Gardner, Garrus was busy with the guns and Tali was probably running diagnostic after diagnostic for the shields and the engine. Alone, because Donnelly and Daniels weren't there.

She stepped out of the elevator, looking at the empty deck. It was all too quiet. She opened the door to the armory and made her way to the briefing room.

"Joker, I'm in the briefing room," she said through the comm. "You can patch him through."

"Aye aye."

The holographic interface activated, scanning and transmitting the images.

"Shepard," said the Illusive Man. "I wish I had more information for you. I don't like you heading through that relay blind but we don't have much choice."

"You've done a good job picking all these people," Shepard said. "And I'd like to think _I_ 've done a great job making them into a team. We're ready."

"I knew we brought you back for a reason," he said. "I've never seen a better leader. Despite the danger, it's a great opportunity. The first human to take a ship through and survive."

"Come along if you want," Shepard said. "We've got room on the Normandy."

"It's tempting, but it's not my place," said the Illusive Man. Shepard hadn't thought he'd really take up on the offer, but she was still relieved.

"I just wanted you to know, I appreciate the risk you're taking," he continued. "Regardless of your opinions of Cerberus, of me. You're a valuable asset to all of humanity. Be careful Shepard."

The communication ended and Shepard watched the hologram fade. "I will," she said to the empty room. She hated that man. She hated his views, his methods, his ruthlessness. But what she hated the most was the fact that she couldn't have come this far without his help. She wouldn't even be alive without his help. Of all the people one could owe, owing the enemy had to be the worst.

 _Yep,_ she thought. _I really do hate him._

"Thanks."

* * *

The fiery glow of the Omega 4 relay cast an orange hue inside the cockpit.

"Approaching Omega 4 relay," Joker announced. "Everyone stand by."

The commander and the helmsman looked at each other. "Let's make it happen," Shepard said.

"Reaper IFF activated. Signal acknowledged."

"Commander," Jacob's voice came through. "The drive core just lit up like a Christmas tree."

Shepard grabbed the back of Joker's chair as the Normandy began shaking.

"Drive core electrical charge at critical levels," EDI warned.

"Rerouting," Joker said, bringing the ship closer for the relay to propel them through.

"Brace for deceleration," said EDI as they reached the end of the space-time corridor, ending up in the middle of a junkyard of dead ships; giant chunks of loose metal floating and leaving little room to navigate.

"Oh shit!" Joker exclaimed as he maneuvered the Normandy through the debris. He breathed a sigh of relief after they made it to a clear space and he leaned back, looking up at Shepard. "Too close."

"Good thing the Alliance assigned you to the Normandy when they did," Shepard said, squeezing his shoulder.

"Funny you said that right at the moment I was thinking 'I should have returned home when I had the chance and managed a farm'. Good old honest work, the soil, the growth, maybe a couple of chickens… And no goddamn ancient debris."

Shepard snorted. "Can you even breathe on land?"

"I have detected an energy signature near the edge of the accretion disc," EDI interrupted, and they returned to the displays.

"Has to be the collector base," Shepard said, watching the floating carcasses of the ships around the glowing core. "Take us in for a closer look. Nice and easy."

Joker navigated through the massive debris field, smooth and quiet like they were sailing on a calm sea; right until EDI alerted them to hostile presence.

"Careful Jeff. We have company," she said as the cylindrical constructs tailing the ship began firing at them.

"Taking evasive maneuvers," Joker said, but there were too many of them to shake off without going on the offensive. "EDI, take these bastards out!"

The Normandy banked, whirled, swayed, spun; performing a deadly dance which Joker was leading as the GARDIAN lasers destroyed some of the hostiles.

"Alert," EDI said, detecting one of the drones penetrating the ship's barriers at the cost of its outer armor. "Hull breach on the engineering deck."

"I see it," Joker said. "It's in the cargo hold."

"Then it's my turn to have some fun," said Shepard. "I'll take a team and deal with it. You take care of the rest."

"Aye aye commander."

* * *

Shepard, Jack and Grunt fought the intruder in the cargo hold as Joker tried to lose their tail by entering another debris field.

"We've done our part here Moreau," Shepard said through the comm after destroying the device which looked like a giant metal eyeball, shooting laser beams. "This time it's gone for good. How is it going at your end?"

"Better get back up here commander," replied the helmsman.

Shepard complied as Joker steered the ship clear the debris.

"There it is," Miranda said, looking out the viewport. "The collector base."

"See if you can find a place to land without drawing attention," said the commander, staring at the colossal structure before them, just beside the galactic core.

"Too late. Looks like they're sending out an old friend to greet us," Joker said, gesturing to the collector ship launching from the base.

" _That ship_ ," Shepard grated. "It's that ship again, isn't it?"

"It's them," Joker said, evading its attack.

"Oh, we're taking it down. Fire the main gun."

Normandy's cannons locked on target and the blue beam pierced through the debris, hitting its mark.

"How do you like that, you sons of bitches!" yelled the helmsman as the enemy vessel shook with the explosion.

"Get in close and finish it off," Shepard said, biting her lip in eager anticipation.

"Everybody hold on, gonna be a wild ride!" Joker announced happily, rolling the ship to avoid another incoming attack and closed in, firing the cannon once again.

The second hit punched a hole through the collector ship and the blasts spread throughout its hull like bright orange flowers in full bloom, tearing it apart.

A shiver of wicked satisfaction made Shepard's skin tingle, but before they could start celebrating, Miranda's eyes popped open. "Look out!" she yelled, and the pulse of energy from the explosion caught up with them, washing over the Normandy.

"Shit!" Joker exclaimed as the ship started to convulse. "EDI, give me something!" he yelled, trying to maintain some stability through the shaky ride to the base.

"Generator unresponsive. All hands brace for impact."

Shepard leapt forward and held on to the pilot seat, hoping to cushion Joker's fall as the ship crash-landed inside the collector base. The earsplitting noise of metal grating against the ground swallowed every other sound on the bridge, and the collision knocked the commander off her feet. Her back thumped against the deck as the Normandy slowed down and finally stopped.

Shepard stood up, rushing back to the pilot's side. "Joker, you ok?" she asked.

Joker groaned. "I think I broke a rib," he said. "Or all of them."

"Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash," EDI said. "Restoring operation will take time."

"We all knew this was likely a one-way trip," said Miranda, her cool exterior cracking and showing the fear underneath.

Shepard walked to her, put a hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes. "No time to worry about that now," she said. "Our objective is clear. First, we complete our mission. Then we'll worry. You know why?"

Miranda nodded with a weak smile, the doubt in her eyes vanishing. "Because we'll be alive to worry," she said.

"That's right," Shepard said, grinning.

"So what's next?" Joker asked, the commander's infectious mood lifting his spirits. He knew she had her concerns and fears, but he also knew that this wasn't an act. She'd done everything in her power up until this point, and that certainty gave her the strength to keep going.

Though Shepard would disagree if he'd asked her, because she'd been discovering new sources of strength all around her lately; and one of those sources in particular made her want to return home at all costs.

"EDI, is the ship safe here?" Shepard asked. "How long till the collectors find you?"

"I do not detect an internal security network. It is possible the collectors did not expect anyone to reach the base," replied the AI.

"That'll teach them to look down on us," Shepard said and smirked. "Wait, no. I'll kill them all, so they won't even have the opportunity to learn."

"There's my tiny krogan," Joker said affectionately. "Unleash your blood rage!"

Shepard laughed, his usage of the possessive adjective making her heart throb even in this less than desirable situation, and even though he'd just called her a bloodthirsty krogan.

"The blast overloaded us might have done the same for their external sensors," Joker said, back to topic. "So hopefully the collectors won't know we're alive."

"That's good," said the commander. "I need everyone on this mission. We can't afford to leave a defense squad." She sighed. "Miranda, gather everyone in the briefing room. We need a plan."

"Understood commander," said the XO and left to inform the crew.

Shepard watched her go and turned to Joker. "I'll stop by before we leave," she said, and the helmsman nodded as she turned around and walked away.

* * *

Jacob was distributing the ration bars when the commander walked into the briefing room.

"Oh good," Jack said, grabbing one. "I got the vanilla flavored ass. You Kasumi?"

"Lemon," said the thief. "Yay."

Shepard coughed to make her presence known and they fell silent as she took her place at the head of the table, their gazes following her.

"This isn't how we planned this mission, but this is where we're at," she began. "Whether the Normandy will be able to take us home or not remains to be seen, but our mission has not changed. We're here to stop the collectors, and that is exactly what we're going to do. EDI, bring up the scans."

The holographic image of the base appeared in the middle of the room.

"We need a plan to take out this station," she said. "So let's start planning."

Twenty minutes of brainstorming later, it was decided the best way was sending someone through the ventilation shafts.

Jacob volunteered, but Miranda shut him down.

"Miranda's right," Shepard agreed. "We need someone with extraordinary hacking skills."

"We are the most logical choice," Legion offered.

"You may be right Legion, but I know someone who is smaller and who can move faster."

"That is accurate," Legion said. "Creator Tali'Zorah also possesses adequate skill to succeed."

"Look up the word 'adequate' again, bosh'tet," Tali retorted. "I'll go, Shepard."

"Good. The rest of us will break into two teams and fight down each passage, distract the collectors while you work."

"I'll lead the second fire team, commander," Miranda said, and the objection came before she could finish her thought.

"Not so fast, cheerleader," Jack said. "Nobody wants to take orders from you."

"This is not a popularity contest—"

"Garrus will be in charge of the second team," Shepard cut in. "Any objections?" She looked at their faces. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

"I won't let you down," said the turian.

"Of course you won't. Try not to come back any uglier than you already are, though. Even krogan females have their limits."

Garrus laughed as Grunt inspected his flawless krogan skin, pouting. "It's time _I_ got some scars," he said.

Zaeed let out a snort. "Time for the 'talk', huh Shep?" he asked, making them chuckle except for the krogan and Samara, but even the asari's face softened with a vague smile.

"I'll leave that to Mordin, thank you," said the commander before her features turned serious again.

"This isn't going to be easy," she said. "In fact, I'm pretty sure it's going to be harder than whatever we're imagining at the moment." She looked them in the eye, one by one. "We may lose people," she said. "We all know the odds. But if anyone can beat these odds, it is the people in this very room." She put her hands on the table and leaned forward. "These bastards took maybe thousands, hundreds of thousands; and they took our crew, our friends. They think we're helpless." She paused and let out a dry laugh. "Today they'll see just how wrong they are," she went on through gritted teeth. "This war they'd started? We'll make them regret it," she said, her disdainful tone turning resolute. "It ends here. It ends with us." She pulled herself to her full height. "We're done running. Today, we're returning the favor." Looking at her people and seeing them perking up, her voice grew louder. "Let's show them what we're made of," she said. "Let's hit them where they hurt and let's bring our people back!"

She smiled, her heart pounding hard against her chest with pride as the cheers and roars of approval echoed off the bulkheads.

"How did I let you talk me into this?" Kasumi complained as the crew followed Shepard out of the room.

"Shepard uses speech effectively," Mordin said to her. "Also supports words with consistent action." He approached the commander. "Proud to be here," he said.

"As am I, Shepard," said Samara. "I am grateful for what you have done for me. And I thank you for not letting my oath conflict my code."

Thane walked next to Shepard. "I have accepted this mission for reasons I have disclosed to you," he said. "But after the time we have spent together, I find myself wishing to live another day." He smiled. "I can only hope to do something of equal value for you."

Shepard marched on, tears she wasn't able to shed stinging her dry eyes. "No more speeches," she said, holding her head high. "Let's give 'em hell."

* * *

Joker turned around in his seat as the heavy thumping of armored boots grew closer.

The team approached the airlock, and their leader gestured them to move out before she walked to him.

Joker gazed at her, soaking in the image before him, imprinting it in his mind. Her dark, wine red armor clashed with the bright copper of her hair, bringing out the cool color of steel in her eyes. Her split upper lip was still swollen and the yellowish bruise on her cheek was dulling the ivory tone of her skin. Her inactive visor looked like half a crown on her head as she smiled, and he felt his heart breaking.

"You will come back," he heard himself say.

"I'll try my best," Shepard replied, looking into his pleading eyes _. I can't_ , she thought. _I can't think this is the last I'm seeing him._ "Hey what's that?" she asked, pointing at the flask in his hand.

An empty laughter escaped his throat. "Bourbon," he replied. "I keep it here for… Well, times like this. Want a sip?"

"Hell yeah," Shepard said, grabbing the flask and taking a big gulp. She grinned, giving it back. "I'd love to just stay here and get drunk," she began, "But you know how it is, what with stopping the annihilation of organic life and such. So I probably should go."

"Yeah," said the helmsman with a broken smile. "I'll be here, waiting for you to yell 'get us out of here Joker!'" He drummed his fingers on the armrests and swallowed hard. "See you commander."

"See you Joker. Stay safe."

Joker turned to the displays as she walked away, his breath cut short. _Fuck,_ he thought. _The hell with this._

He tried to lift himself off the chair, pain stabbing through his torso. He sank back and exhaled, pushing himself up once again. He managed to stand up and held on to the back of his chair, panting.

"Riley!" he called, limping towards the airlock. "Rye!" He stopped, leaning against a chair to his right. EDI hadn't been wrong about the stress fractures. _Shit,_ he thought, running a hand roughly through his hair under the cap. _I was too late. I'm always too fucking late._ His shoulders slumped in defeat and he let go of the chair to return to his seat; but he stopped dead as he heard the inner airlock door opening.

He took a step forward to look and Shepard appeared from behind the bulkhead, giving him a desperate shrug. Without a second's hesitation Joker walked to her, reached out and pulled her into a kiss. Shepard's hand moved to the nape of his neck as she closed her eyes and drew him closer, deepening the kiss.

Her lips were soft and moist against Joker's, and the citrusy taste from her tongue made the sensation similar to a warm slice of tangerine in his mouth. He paused to take a breath so he could stay conscious and pulled her in once more, overwhelmed by the need to feel, to taste, to possess. He felt his sanity slipping away as his fingers dug deeper into her hair, but he wasn't certain he cared.

Shepard flinched as Joker's rough stubble scraped against the cut on her upper lip, causing a thin stream of blood trickle into her mouth. The warmth of bourbon on his tongue combined with the citrus aroma and blood on hers; creating a sharp, dizzying flavor, as dominating as the lust stirring inside her.

Alarmed by how little anything else mattered, Shepard broke the kiss and opened her eyes. Her gloved hand was still clinging to his neck as she stared at him, dazed and disoriented. She sighed and his scent filled her nostrils, the fragrance which always reminded her of a fresh sea breeze carrying the faint smell of lemon trees.

Joker wiped the blood from her lips, letting his hand linger on her cheek. Looking at her, his ribs hurt with each heartbeat but he couldn't help smiling as he noticed the red, irritated skin around her mouth.

Shepard let go of him, her senses returning to normal when she saw his smile. Her eyes sparkled with mischief as she gave him that half-smirk he loved so much.

"For luck," she said, spun around and disappeared from his view.


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because sometimes there are these words crawling in my mind, trying to get out.**

 **A/N: Sorry for the late update. (Look at me feeling responsible, yay!) Some health issues resurfaced as they do from time to time, nothing serious, thanks for the concern I'm imagining you're feeling. Anyway, as an apology, I'll be uploading the next chapter soon. Thanks for reading** **:)**

* * *

Shepard exited the Normandy and gave the ship a long look before she jumped down to join her team. _All right, here we go._

"Time to move," she said. "Miranda, Zaeed, you're with me."

The teams began following their planned paths, and Shepard observed her surroundings as she moved.

The interior of the base was similar to the inside of the collector ship. It seemed more like an organism than a structure, _grown_ rather than built. There was no visible order to it, no symmetry to be found. The ground was uneven and the walls were irregular; all surfaces decorated with pods and porous membrane sacs like tumors growing on muscle tissue. Calcified, grayish brown muscle tissue. The whole damn place was a biology project gone wrong, repurposed by throwing in some prothean design metal framework. The substructure might have been the only thing the collectors had in common with their pre-reaper existence; though it was entirely possible that the protheans had sucked at architecture as well.

At least the collectors were thoughtful enough to leave random dead bodies throughout the area to add to the coziness.

Shepard stepped over one and turned to look at the second squad as they disappeared behind a wall. "Remember Garrus," she said through the radio. "No more scars."

Garrus' laughter was shaky as he marched on the bumpy ground. "Try not to die this time Shepard."

 _I'll try all right,_ thought the commander, her fingers tracing over her lips.

"I'm inside the ventilation shaft, Shepard," Tali reported as Shepard's squad moved further into the base. "It's hot in here, but it's clear as far as I can tell."

"Second team, are you in position?"

"In position," Garrus replied. "Meet you on the other side of those doors."

Shepard signaled her squad to take cover as they reached a passageway made out of a few connected platforms. She pulled her rifle over her shoulder and scanned the area through its scope, spotting the approaching collectors.

"Get ready, greeting party's almost here," she said. "Three incoming." As she held her position, one of the collectors moved, appearing clear in her sight. She inhaled, held her breath and took the shot. "Two incoming," she corrected, and the remaining hostiles began firing.

"Watch out!" Miranda warned as more enemies showed up, wings whirring in the distance. "Reinforcements!"

Shepard directed her and Zaeed to move ahead and took out another drone with a single headshot.

"Good shot," the mercenary commented and unfastened a small, cylindrical object from his belt. He threw it towards the collectors whose feet had just touched the ground, lifting them up in the air once more with the impact.

The grenade did its name justice as it created a small scale inferno where it hit, scattering burning fragments haphazardly. Zaeed let out a pleased little cackle, watching the show from behind his cover.

Miranda used the opportunity to unleash her biotics on the exposed enemy, and Shepard stayed in position, calmly taking out the rest one by one.

"You're on a goddamn roll Shep," Zaeed said. "Trying to break a record?"

"Keep at it instead of admiring your handiwork Zaeed, and maybe you'll catch up," Shepard teased, and the mercenary sent a concussive shot toward the last drone standing. "Let's move out," said the commander after it fell, raising the second fire team as they ran ahead.

"Garrus here," the turian reported. "We're taking heavy fire but we're moving forward."

"Copy that Garrus," Shepard said, and Tali's voice came through as they moved.

"Shepard, I'm stuck," she said. "Something's blocking the pipe. Looks like some kind of gate."

 _Shit_ , Shepard thought. _First hitch in the plan, so soon._ She rushed to the ventilation shaft and looked up. She could see Tali behind the semi-transparent pane. "What do you need me to do?" she asked.

"Do you see a console nearby?"

"I'm standing right in front of it."

"Good. Deactivating the heat exchanger should do it."

Shepard brought up her omni tool and hacked the console, sending the command to remove the obstacle. The heated air hissed as it was released, steam pouring from the vents.

"Gate is open, moving forward," Tali said, her small figure disappearing into the pipe. "Glad to see you still possess _some_ tech skills."

"Oh, my skill set is very diverse but I try not to flaunt it in people's faces," Shepard said as the squad moved out. "Being good in everything is quite the burden, because you know, jealousy."

"Then I'll be sure to not tell everyone about the geth you tried to hack. Remember the one that charged at you like a krogan?" Tali retorted. "Ah, sorry."

"Cheeky, Miss Vas Normandy," said Shepard, laughing.

"I still don't know what you could have done to make it behave like that," said the quarian.

"Me neither," the commander confessed, contacting the Normandy. "EDI?"

"I have reanalyzed the scans to match the data you have sent," replied the AI. "I have detected seven more signatures sharing similar characteristics along your path."

"Can you pinpoint and hack them?"

"Unfortunately, the valves are not networked into the system. They will have to be manually disabled."

"Got it. Thanks EDI," Shepard said and let out a huff. "Nothing's ever easy."

"I'll be counting on you, Shepard," Tali said.

"Don't worry, I got your back."

"Drones incoming!" Zaeed yelled.

"Sorry Tali, we'll continue later," Shepard said. "My boyfriend's here."

"DIRECT INTERVENTION IS NECESSARY."

"You know the drill."

* * *

"Shepard!" Tali yelled through the radio. "I need your help again, I'm blocked."

"Miranda, do you see the valve?"

"To our left!" replied the biotic and focused her power to lift an enemy up in the air, then slammed it against the ground.

Shepard cloaked and moved forward. "I see it," she yelled, planning to make a run for it.

"I WILL DIRECT THIS PERSONALLY."

 _Fuck,_ she thought as she heard the buzzing of the drones' wings as they arrived on the scene, following the Harbinger. She could see the shaft but there were too many of them for Zaaed and Miranda to handle on their own.

"It's getting hot in here," Tali's voice came through with an urgency nearing panic.

"Hold on Tali," she said, running to cover. She could cloak and reach the shaft but it would leave her exposed to heavy fire. If her squad fell, it would be only a matter of time before the collectors found Tali. She readied her rifle, targeted a drone's head and fired. The drone fell down, but stood again as Shepard stormed to the next cover. _I missed,_ she thought with a momentary shock.

Harbinger spotted her as she ran, closing in without pausing a second between its attacks. The pulsing sound of its focused power grew louder and closer, and the strike staggered the commander out of her cover.

"I'm being cooked alive," cried Tali as Shepard shook herself and saw the bright yellow orb of energy coming towards her. She ducked with a gasp, but Harbinger's attack dissipated into the air and the vessel itself turned to ash like a piece of burning paper.

"You and the turian aren't the only ones who can score a headshot," said Zaeed, taking cover and switching back to his assault rifle. "You're welcome."

"Hurry Shepard," Tali cried, prompting the commander to cloak and storm to the valve while Zaeed and Miranda took care of the stragglers. The gate opened, and Shepard bent over the valve to take a breath.

The whistle of the released steam and the sound of their relieved sighs mingled as the commander straightened up.

"I got you," she said, turning around and looking at the door. "We've made it."

Tali exited the shaft at the center of the base and opened the first door to let Garrus' team in, hurrying to work on the second for Shepard' squad to enter.

"We need this door open now!" Shepard yelled as new hostiles began pouring in. "Just how many of them are there?" she muttered as she, Miranda and Zaeed backed up against the door and fired. "EDI, don't answer that."

"Got it!" Tali said, and Shepard's squad made it inside, joining the rest of the team.

"Here they come!" Shepard yelled. "Fall back!"

"Suppressing fire!" Garrus said, covering the entrance. "Don't let anyone through that door!"

"All done," Tali announced as the doors closed, and they heard the seeker swarms thumping against the metal.

"Nice work Tali," Shepard said, assessing the team's condition quickly with an experienced eye. She relaxed, seeing none of them looked the worse for wear. She turned back to Tali. "Hey, do you think an upgrade to your suit is necessary?" she asked. "Higher heat resistance maybe?"

Tali looked up, giving the commander one of her looks which said a lot despite the lack of visibility of her features.

"Too soon?" Shepard joked as she helped her up, and Miranda called for her.

"Shepard, you need to see this."

The team followed her voice to an area where hundreds of pods were lined up against the walls, continuing along the tall columns to the upper levels of the base. Connected to the pods were tubes, widening as they conjoined with even larger ones above the room.

It was impossible to see where all the tubes were leading to, or how far they extended.

Shepard approached one of the pods with Miranda by her side. There was someone inside it.

"Looks like one of the missing colonists," the XO said, and Shepard leaned forward to take a closer look.

The woman inside was motionless, surrounded by a yellow smoke. Shepard touched the transparent cover and drew back as the colonist moved. She turned around. "This one's still alive," she said.

"Over here," Thane called as Shepard tried to pry the pod open. "There's more!"

Inside the pod, the woman's eyes shot open and she screamed, slamming her fists against the glass pane. Shepard pulled it with all her strength but she could feel a pressure building inside, preventing the cover from coming loose. "Find the crew and get them out of there _now_!" she yelled as lesions appeared on the colonist woman's body, spreading all over as if her skin was being torn away patch by patch by an unseen force. "Hurry!"

The woman clawed at the pane, leaving trails of blood and skin on the glass. Pieces of her flesh dropped on the ground as she cried in agony, eyes filled with terror meeting Shepard's. Shepard desperately hit the pane with the butt of her rifle one last time, right before the woman's body broke apart and the remains were sucked through the tube.

On the Normandy, Joker wished for the first time that they didn't have this strong a signal as he held down the vomit climbing his throat. He had his job cut out for him as he and EDI worked on getting the crucial systems up and running, but he still had the time to process what had happened before their eyes. He looked away for a second, then turned back to the display with a sudden, horrifying realization. _The crew._

Shepard on the other hand didn't have even a moment to be shocked. Steeling herself, she rushed to another pod and opened it, getting a semi-conscious Hadley out and moving on to the next. The team did the same, getting the crew out one by one in a fast but coordinated manner.

"Normandy's crew all accounted for," Miranda reported, for the moment omitting the information about the group of colonists they weren't able to save. "No other survivors in the area."

Shepard nodded, feeling a guilty relief and crouched beside Dr. Chakwas. "You ok doc?" she asked as she helped her up.

Dr. Chakwas gulped, blinking a few times before her eyes focused on the commander. "You came for us," she said in a weak voice.

Shepard gave her a smile. "As if I would abandon my favorite doctor," she said. "No one gets left behind, especially after they promised to share another bottle of brandy with me." The doctor slowly shook her head and collected herself after a few deep breaths.

"The colonists," she said. "Those swarms of little robots, they melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped it through these tubes."

"Yes," Shepard said grimly. "We saw it happen too."

"A few more seconds," Kelly muttered, barely standing on her own. "I don't even want to think about it."

"It's going to be okay Kelly," Shepard said as she contacted the Normandy. "Joker?"

"Joker here," replied the helmsman, and to her surprise Shepard felt her cheeks getting warmer upon hearing his voice. _Now isn't that nice_ , she thought. _People are being liquefied, swarms of collectors waiting for their pound of flesh, Harbinger still doesn't take no for an answer and the better part of our mission is yet ahead. But here I am, blushing over a man._ She sighed. _Ok, blushing over a man who made me go weak at the knees with one kiss. One long, and in every sense of the word,_ hot _kiss._

"Commander?"

 _Shit, I'm daydreaming,_ Shepard thought _,_ returning to reality. She turned to the rescued crew, letting Joker see them through her visor. "What did I tell you?" she said. "All safe."

"Yeah, go ahead and gloat. You've earned it," Joker replied, deciding to enjoy the good news instead of dwelling on the horror he'd witnessed. But above all, he didn't want to waste this rare opportunity to just talk to her during the mission. _It has to be enough for now,_ he thought. He would have the time to overthink everything about what happened between them later.

"Damn right," Shepard said. "But let's save the celebrations for later. Can you get a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, commander," said the helmsman, pushing back the brand new craving. "All those tubes lead into the main control room right above you. The route is blocked by a security door but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in," he explained, but EDI warned against that route, telling them that the area was overrun with seeker swarms.

"Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect you against so many at once," she finished.

"What about biotics?" Shepard asked. "Can one of you create a field to protect us?"

"It may be possible," Samara replied. "But we might only be able to get a small team through, if they stay close."

"In theory, any biotic could handle it," Miranda said. "It's your choice, commander. Who do you want to maintain the field?"

Shepard turned to Jack. "Jack and I will take a small team through the seeker swarms," she said. "Garrus, you'll lead the diversion team and follow the main passage. We'll open the security door and meet you there."

The commander looked at the rest of the crew. They were injured, exhausted and disoriented, and some could stand solely because they were still in shock. She turned around and took a few steps away from them.

"Joker?" she said through the private channel. "Tell me we didn't find them just to leave them stranded here."

"Try and remember who you're talking to commander," said the helmsman. "We have enough systems back online to do a pickup." He sighed. "I know, I know, I'm the best," he boasted. "Ok, EDI might have helped _just_ a little."

"Still waiting for the catch, Moreau."

"Couldn't spare one word of praise huh?" Joker said. "Fine, be that way. The _catch_ is that we'll need to land back from your position. They'll have to walk." There was a pause, but Joker could swear that he was hearing her smile. _Would it be weird if I asked her to take off her visor so I could see her face?_ he thought, and considered it for a second. _Shit. Of course it'd be weird._

"Thanks Joker," said Shepard. _Time is of the essence here, Riley. Wrap it up._ "I'd compliment you but I don't want you to get all cocky—oh, wait."

"I'll take it," Joker said. "Stay safe commander."

"Will do," Shepard said, walking back to the crew. "Mordin," she said to the salarian who was administering medi-gel to the ones who most needed it. "I need you to escort the crew back to the Normandy."

"Understood, Shepard," Mordin said. "Joker, need location of landing zone. Will meet you there."

"We've all got our assignments," said Shepard. "Let's move out. Grunt, Legion, you're coming with me."

"Acknowledged."

"See you on the other side, Shepard," Garrus said, and his team began moving as Jack approached Shepard. She looked at the commander and frowned, but her eyes were soft as she shook her head.

Shepard waited for her to say something, but Jack only punched her in the shoulder.

"Oh for fuck's sake Jack," Shepard said. "Don't strain yourself with all these feelings or you might come apart at the seams. I don't want to be in the vicinity when the black, bubbly ooze comes out." She punched her back. "I trust you."

"I know," Jack replied. "You're an idiot." She turned around, generating the barrier. "Stay close if you wanna live," she yelled before they moved out.

* * *

Watching the feed from the Normandy's external camera, Joker's face lit up with a wide smile. He could see Mordin walking in front of the crew as if he was leading a group of worn out pilgrims to their salvation.

"They've made it," he said, lifting himself off his seat. "EDI, the airlock."

The first through the airlock was Dr. Chakwas.

"Hey doc," Joker said. "It's really good to see you." He walked to her and gave her a clumsy hug. "See how I just gave you a hug? That's how glad I am to see you."

"Good to see you too Jeff," Dr. Chakwas said and took a step back, scrutinizing him. "You look worse than we do. What happened?"

"Well, it was a bumpy ride," said the pilot. "Jeez, it hasn't been a minute and the first thing you do is to doctor me?"

"Jeff may have suffered a number of stress fractures to the tibia, fibula and ribs," EDI said.

"You snitch," Joker hissed. "My legs are fine, but I'll need your help with the ribs later," he said to the doctor. " _After_ we see this through, because otherwise my bones would be the least of our worries."

"That is correct," EDI conceded.

Dr. Chakwas gave him a reluctant nod and turned to the rest of the crew. "I'll be in the med-bay," she said. "Anyone who needs immediate help can find me there." She smiled at Joker as she stroked his shoulder. "Thank you," she said and took Kelly by the arm, helping her walk as they headed for the elevator.

"Bet you loved having the ship all to yourself," Hadley said with a little pat on his shoulder and Gardner did the same as he followed him, grumbling something about how long it'd take to clean up the galley.

"Yeah, well," Joker said, "Shepard insisted we get you guys back, so it was a short-lived dream."

"Jeff has expressed his concerns for the missing crew multiple times," EDI chimed in, and Joker facepalmed.

"The hell, EDI?"

"Oh, he's missed us," said Donnelly in his thick accent, somewhat woozy on the medigel. He walked to him, put his hand on his shoulder and leaned in, inspecting his face. "Just look at his face," he said as the helmsman swatted his hand away. "That's a smile, right there."

"You're seeing things Kenneth," Gabby said, grabbing his arm and dragging him away. "Give us five minutes Joker, and we'll be ready to lend you a hand."

"See Donnelly, _now_ I'm smiling," Joker said. "The ground team is still out there. The Normandy is ready for a quick escape, but I need every able hand on deck to make sure she survives it."

"We're at your disposal," Goldstein said a she too patted his shoulder.

"Ok, this is starting to get uncomfortable," said the helmsman, drawing back with a frown. "Just stop it if you don't want me to get a stress fracture in the shoulder too." He huffed through his nose as Hawthorne walked to him. "Man, what did I just say?" he whined.

"Out there," Hawthorne said, "It was close. If we stayed in those pods a couple more minutes or maybe even less, there'd be nothing left of us to find."

Goldstein nodded in agreement. "You saved our asses when you saved the Normandy," she said. "We all know it, so suck it up Joker. There'll be patting."

"Can't you show your gratitude by _not_ touching me?" Joker said. "Besides, EDI deserves more credit than I do."

"That is inaccurate, Jeff," said the AI. "I would not have succeeded without your help."

"Thanks anyway EDI," Hawthorne said as they walked away.

After all of them boarded, Mordin stood next to Joker and watched them leave; some for their stations and some for the med-bay.

"Crew reactions to trauma vary. Some process faster," he observed. He turned to the pilot and smiled. "Regardless, all alive."

"Yeah," Joker said in a faraway voice. "Things were going all right down there as far as I could see," he added, looking at the salarian. "The swarms are interfering with the signal, but they're holding on."

"Yes," Mordin said. "Results exceeded expectations. No serious damage to the team, probability of success higher." He turned to the pilot. "Concern unnecessary."

Joker let out a dry laugh. "Thanks for the tip, Mordin."

"Would have liked to stay with Shepard," said the professor with a quick sigh. "Seeing crew to safety also important." He began walking to the elevator. "Will assist Dr. Chakwas," he said and added, "Exceptional individual."

"That she is," Joker agreed and turned around. "EDI, give me the rundown on the repairs," he said, heading to the bridge.

* * *

Hundreds of little wings hummed outside the biotic barrier Jack was struggling to maintain. The seeker swarms kept clustering around it, obscuring the squad's vision and making it all the harder to fight the waves of never-ending husks and collectors.

"I can see the entrance," Jack panted as they closed in on their destination. "Need to get there soon."

"We should proceed quickly, Shepard-Commander," Legion said, shooting at the collector drones while Grunt dealt with the husks that made it inside the barrier.

"We're almost there!" Shepard yelled and took a stunned moment to watch Grunt tearing a husk's arm off and tossing it aside. "You can do this Jack," she said, shielding her from the incoming attacks. Jack was on the verge of collapsing; she had gone from pale to ghostly, beads of sweat rolling down her face. Her breathing was labored and her hands were shaking as she held on.

"Come on Jack," Shepard yelled as the door opened. "Or will you have Miranda think she'd have done a better job?"

Jack snarled and turned around, straightening herself. She brought her hands to her chest, palms facing forward as the gathering energy crackled; emitting blue, forked rays of light around her. With a loud, low pitched growl she pushed the barrier towards the hostiles and the surge swept the collectors off their feet before it exploded. She backed through the door, gasping for air and Legion closed the door behind them.

"You ok?" Shepard asked, and Jack gave her a smirk, staggering on her feet.

"The cheerleader can kiss my ass," she said and took a bite of her ration bar.

"Shepard do you copy?" Garrus' voice came through. "Come on Shepard, where are you?"

"I copy," said the commander. "What's your position?"

"We're pinned down at the door. Taking heavy fire," Garrus reported.

"Just hold on Garrus," Shepard said as she sent Legion to the door. "We're right here with you."

Legion hacked the door open, and Garrus with the rest of the team entered, along with the hail of bullets and beams.

"Seal the door Legion!" she yelled as she drew her submachine gun and fired at the closing horde of enemies. Right before the massive door closed, Shepard heard the whizzing of a bullet flying past her. She turned around and saw Garrus getting thrown back with the force of the impact. She rushed to his side, and the turian looked at her, groaning.

"I'd just polished the chest piece," he said, dislodging the pellet from his armor.

"Dammit Vakarian, ever heard something called cover?" Shepard said with a gentle slap on his face, letting out a sigh of relief. Garrus laughed as she contacted the Normandy.

"Joker, are you at the rendezvous point?"

"I'm here commander," Joker replied. "Chakwas and the rest of the crew just showed up."

"Mordin's group arrived Shepard," EDI reported. "No casualties."

"Good to hear," Shepard said. "We're doing fine as well," she added, getting disbelieving looks from some of the team. "What?" she mouthed, looking at them.

"Define fine," Kasumi groaned.

"Not dead?" she replied, plopping down on the floor next to Grunt for a quick rest. "EDI, what's the next step?"

"There should be some nearby platforms that will take you to the main control console," said the AI. "From there, you can overload the system and destroy the base."

"Got it," she said and stood up, using Grunt's head for support. "Let's—"

"Commander, you got a problem," Joker's voice cut in. "Hostiles massing just outside the door. Won't be long until they bust through."

Shepard jumped on the platform. "We'll have to finish this before they get through," she said. "I'll take a small team to the main console. The rest will defend this position." Her gaze traveled over the weary figures. According to EDI, enemy was the thickest at this spot, so she would have to leave the strongest behind.

Garrus, Thane, Zaeed and Samara were still in top shape, and Grunt was happily admiring a new scar on his arm. Tali and Kasumi looked tired but they were uninjured; they'd be valuable for support. Legion was, well, Legion; and Shepard assumed he wouldn't lie about his condition so she believed him when he said he was 'at optimal capacity'.

That left Jack, Miranda and Jacob.

Jack was trying hard not to show it but she was drained, and would surely get herself killed rather than admitting it. Jacob's situation was similar, though he had a cooler head and he knew how to put himself where he could be of use.

Miranda; despite all her perfected genes and her smarts; could challenge Jack any day to a battle of senseless pride. She was sporting a nasty wound in her right leg, the effect of which she was downplaying quite convincingly but Shepard knew better. _Damn,_ she thought. _This should be fun._

"Jack, Miranda, with me," she said, and the women glared at each other before climbing on the platform.

"Anything you want to say before we do this?" Miranda asked.

Shepard nodded. "I'll make this quick," she said. "You have all learned by now who— _what_ the real enemy is. You've seen the destruction they're capable of. They seek to destroy everyone, everything. We won't let them.

"The collectors were the ones playing hide and seek while _we_ pursued them. The game's almost over. We've found them, and we'll end them here." A smirk appeared on her lips. "You know what to do," she said. "Now let me hear it!"

The chorus of discordant yells resonated off the surfaces, with Grunt's eager voice dominating the cacophony. "We'll crush them all!"

"Damn right we will," Shepard said, activating the platform. _They'll be fine_ , she thought, and not because she was trying to boost optimism through wishful thinking. She wholeheartedly believed it.

"Hey commander?" Joker said through the radio as they moved forward.

"Joker? I'm listening," she replied, forcing the corners of her lips down as Jack gave her a suspicious look.

Joker stared at the display, watching as the rest of the team disappeared in the distance. _What am I going to say?_ he thought, annoyed with himself about being too concerned for her safety. He could end up getting distracted and jeopardizing that very safety himself if he kept worrying so much.

He took a deep breath and minimized the feed from Shepard's visor. "You forgot to say 'hold the line!'" he said and heard Shepard's laughter.

"Damn it Moreau, why didn't you remind me back there?" she said and sighed. "Well, there's always the next time. See you when we get back Joker."

"See you commander."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N & WARNING: The last part contains smut. And holy hell, was it difficult to write. It also left me feeling a bit dirty. (translation: crying traumatized in a corner) I TRIED, OK? *runs away***

 **Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because Grunt.** **'** **Nuff said.**

* * *

Shepard walked to the console on the platform that carried two scions and a couple of exploding husks before her team had squashed them.

Miranda and Jack finished gathering the unused thermal clips from the dead collectors and joined the commander. She activated the platform and they began moving towards the area where tubes from every direction connected.

"EDI, what can you tell us?" she asked. "What are they doing?"

"The tubes are feeding into some kind of super structure," the AI replied. "It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must be massive."

Shepard, Jack and Miranda looked ahead and saw a hint of what EDI was talking about.

"Shepard," EDI continued, her voice an ominous warning. "If my calculations are correct, the super-structure is… A reaper."

The platform stopped and connected to the ones at the end of their path as the squad looked up, gawking at the structure before them with horrified awe.

The colossal construct bore an unmistakable resemblance to the upper half of a human skeleton, made out of some sort of dark alloy. The unfinished plating covered part of its chest and the skull was complete with teeth and a nasal aperture. The tubes were attached to its shoulders by two injection points for each; the material inside glowing a sickly orange. The blue lights embedded into the alloy reminded Shepard of the husks; and as if the whole thing wasn't eerie enough, its spine; looking like a tapering tail of a scorpion; was dangling in the air.

The collectors had diverged from the original design not only in terms of size; and if Shepard had to guess, the unfamiliar extra pieces would have to be weapons. The eye sockets, the mouth, the chest plating were all fitted with them, their sizes varying from 'huge' to ' _are you fucking kidding me?_ '

"Not just any reaper," the commander managed, still staring at the creature towering over them. "A human reaper."

"Precisely," EDI said. "It appears the collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans. Significantly more will be required to complete the reaper."

 _Tens of thousands,_ Shepard thought, recalling the look in the colonist woman's eyes before her body was dissolved. _They have died horrible, painful deaths to create this abomination._ Her rage spread from her gut to her limbs, tingling at her fingertips.

"Have you gathered all the information you could?" she asked. "Because I'm planning to burn this thing to the ground."

"I have," EDI replied.

"Then we can learn all about it later. Right now, I'm only interested in how to take it down. Any suggestions?"

"The large tubes injecting the fluid are a weak structural link. Destroying them should cause the supports to collapse, and the reaper to fall."

"Then give us a minute, EDI," said the commander as the protective shields activated, covering the injection tubes the same moment more platforms appeared, coming their way. "We've got to take care of some old friends first."

"ASSUMING CONTROL."

"Right on time, asshole," Shepard growled, aiming for the Harbinger drone's head.

* * *

"The shield's up Shepard!" Jack yelled. "It's the last one!"

"On it!"

The tube came into focus through Shepard's rifle scope and she fired. The glass shattered and the processed human remains splattered all over the platforms, the smell of decay assaulting the squad members' noses once again. The pipes that were connected to the last injection tube swung loose in the air, ripping the reaper clean off its supports.

The platforms shook as it fell with a grinding metallic noise, lifeless like a puppet whose strings were severed. The squad walked to the edge of the platform after the tremors stopped and they looked down, making sure it was gone.

Shepard contacted the second team as she walked to the reactor. "Shepard to ground team. Status report."

The reply came from Thane. "We are holding, but they keep coming," he said. "A quick exit is preferable."

"Head to the Normandy," Shepard said. "Joker, prep the engines. I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky high."

"Roger that, commander," said the helmsman, allowing himself the time for a relieved sigh before he pulled up the displays, and saw the incoming call. _Talk about dramatic timing_ , he thought. _Rye's gonna love this. "_ Uh, commander?" he said. "I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

* * *

"Keep the base?" Shepard asked in disbelief. "Keep the reaper? Have you lost your mind?"

"Our best chance against the reapers is to turn their own resources against them," the Illusive Man argued.

"No," Shepard said. "I won't let _you_ of all people have the technology to _process_ people, and I sure as hell don't trust you to leave that unfinished reaper _unfinished_."

"My goal is to save the humanity from the reapers at all costs. I've never hidden that from you," he said. "Imagine what we can learn, Shepard. Imagine the lives we can save if we study it. And imagine the lives that will be lost if we don't."

"You're wasting your time," Shepard shot back. "And mine. I will stop the reapers. I'll do what you brought me back to do. But I'll do it my own way, without having to use whatever technology we might find here, and without succumbing to the greed for power."

"You think I want this for myself?" the Illusive Man asked. "This is for humanity, Shepard. _Cerberus is humanity._ Some would say bringing _you_ back was going too far. But look what you've accomplished. I didn't discard you because I knew your value. Don't be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential."

"Playing the 'you owe me your life' card huh?" Shepard said through gritted teeth. "I'm sick of your 'all for humanity' crap. What's humanity without human lives? Who exactly are you protecting if you're willing to sacrifice _anyone_? So yeah, I _do_ think you want this for yourself. And stop acting like you'd done me a favor bringing me back. You did it because _you_ needed _me._ " She paused to take a breath and glanced at Miranda. "I'm ending the collectors right here, right now. And regardless of the role you play, I'm stopping the reapers. So thanks for my life, and consider my debt paid."

"This base is a gift!" the Illusive Man insisted, as if he hadn't heard a word she'd said. "You can't just destroy it Shepard!"

"Watch me."

"Miranda!" he yelled in a last, desperate attempt. "Do not let Shepard destroy the base!"

Jack's muscles tensed as she moved to a strategic position behind Miranda.

"Or what?" Miranda said, "You'll replace _me_ next?"

"I gave you an order Miranda!"

"I noticed," said the XO. "Consider this my resignation."

"Think about what's at stake—"

"Well, that was awkward," Shepard said as they dropped the signal. Miranda had been one of her own for a while now, but it was still satisfactory to see her not even flinch as she stood up to her former boss.

Jack wasn't ready to share the sentiment. "Watch your back, Shepard," she said. "The cheerleader may be waiting for you to let your guard down to make her move."

"You're just bitter because you love to hate her," Shepard dismissed her concerns, smirking. "And now you have one less reason to." She walked to Miranda, giving her a slight nod before she crouched down to work on the reactor. "Ok, we're done. Let's move," she said, standing up. "We don't want to be here when it overloads." Feeling a vague tremor, she looked around, and the whole base began to shake as they heard Joker's voice over the radio.

"Shepard!" he yelled. "The reaper's active, it's coming your way!"

"Fuck!" Jack exclaimed and jumped back as a monstrous hand appeared next to her, grabbing on to the platform. They drew back, taking cover as the reaper pulled itself up.

"EDI says to go for the eyes!" yelled the helmsman with a manic laugh.

"Cain doesn't discriminate," Shepard said, switching to the heavy weapon. She cloaked and began charging it as the cannon inside the reaper's mouth lit up with a growing orange gleam. To her advantage, her target was very hard to miss, and she fired right before the reaper activated its beam, sinking into cover at the last minute. "Take cover!" she shouted, and the tide of red-orange energy passed over their heads, illuminating the platform as it burned through the weaker constructs.

"It's not over yet!" Miranda said and the reaper disappeared from their views only to pop back again, this time clinging to a platform to their right.

"Its friends have arrived!" Jack yelled, spotting more platforms coming their way.

"I have one more charge," Shepard said. "Cover me while I use it, and whatever you do, stay clear of that beam!" She stood up and cloaked, leaving the collectors to her squad as she readied the weapon and fired.

Despite a second direct hit from the Cain, the reaper remained intact and it kept attacking, moving around and destroying the platforms each time it changed its position.

 _This is an embryo_ , Shepard thought, _not even a baby_. _Sovereign by itself almost destroyed the Citadel, so what exactly are we going to face when the adults arrive?_ She exhaled and switched to her rifle, waiting for the reaper to stop moving. _Ok,_ now _I go for the eyes._

In between the running around, fighting the collectors and hiding from the reaper's beams; Shepard managed to hit one of its eyes a seventh time. She cloaked and stormed across the platforms to find more unused thermal clips, since she had no idea how many shots it would take to bring it down.

She incinerated a collector drone on her way to cover as Jack and Miranda both went full-on biotic on the remaining hostiles. The enemies were being lifted in the air before they flew off the edges as if they'd miscalculated a trampoline jump, the sound of biotic warp and shockwave peaking and dying away over and over. Shepard inserted the last thermal clip she could salvage and aimed once again from her cover, hitting it in the eye. She switched to her pistol, but realized soon that her last shot had done it.

The reaper swayed from side to side as she looked on and flames spurted from its skull, the blasts spreading to its chest and along its spine. It extended one arm in an attempt to hang on and the squad shivered with the noise as it fell; loud, shrill and grating like an enormous rusty hinge.

"Hold on tight!" Shepard yelled and tried to keep her balance on the convulsing surface as the reaper's arms slammed against the platforms and the pillars, sending them flying like they were made out of cardboard.

"Shepard!" Jack cried, and the commander saw her slipping away. She threw herself towards Jack, catching her wrist before the reaper's spine-tail hit the platform's base, sending them tumbling backwards. As she tried to get up on her feet, a shadow fell over her and she looked up, her eyes growing wide.

She pulled herself into fetal position and one of the metal panels collapsed on her, causing everything to go dark.

She came to; after a couple of minutes she assumed, considering they weren't blown up yet. She pushed the panel off of her and looked around, spotting Jack lying motionless. She ran to her to check her vitals and the biotic opened her eyes with a groan. Shepard helped her up, her eyes seeking Miranda.

"Miranda!" she called, simultaneously trying to raise the Normandy.

"There!" Jack yelled, pointing to Miranda under a pillar. Both hurried to her, and Shepard lifted the pillar as Jack eased its weight with her biotics. Miranda was alive but unconscious, and her left arm was hanging at an impossible angle.

"Damn it, we're out of medigel," Shepard said. "Come on, help me lift her up." She threw her good arm over her shoulder, and static rang inside her ear. "Joker? Is that you?" she said and the static rose and fell, gradually becoming Joker's frantic voice.

"Do you copy?" the helmsman yelled. "Commander? Come on Shepard don't leave me hanging, do you copy?" he repeated, his heart pumping dread through his veins. _Don't you dare to this to me again,_ he thought, feeling as if he was falling down a bottomless pit.

"I'm here Joker," Shepard said as Miranda opened her eyes. "I'm all right. We're all right."

Joker let out the breath he was holding and stared at the feed from Shepard's visor that started streaming again after reestablishing the signal.

"Did the ground team make it?" Shepard asked, her voice pulling him together.

"They've made it. Everyone made it Rye. We're just waiting for you," he replied, and saw the seeker swarms clustering.

"Shit!" the helmsman and the commander yelled in unison and Shepard moved, hurrying to reach the rendezvous point while dragging Miranda.

"EDI, take the helm," Joker said, getting up off his chair and limping to the airlock. "Someone get me a weapon!"

"HUMAN. YOU CHANGED NOTHING," Harbinger said, its disembodied voice filling the air as its target audience ran for her life.

"We don't have time for this!" Shepard said, sprinting through the base with Jack following. Miranda picked up her pace, adrenaline finally kicking in as collector drones showed up, chasing after them.

Among the explosions, gunfire and the rumble, Shepard could hear the Normandy nearby.

"Miranda, Jack, go!" she yelled and turned around. She cloaked and fired, buying time for the biotics before she followed them.

The Normandy appeared at the clearing and the main airlock opened. Shepard shot a quick glance its way while she defended Jack and Miranda as they made it to the ship; and she thought she saw Joker there with an assault rifle. She cloaked, ejected the thermal clip from her pistol and inserted a new one; and two collectors fell at her feet before she could fire.

"Come on Shepard!" yelled the helmsman and continued firing as the overload took effect and the base crumbled, blasts getting closer by the minute.

Shepard turned around and ran, and a collapsing column hit the platform between her and the airlock, sending it tumbling down.

"Riley!" Joker cried and Shepard leapt forward. Joker dropped the rifle and took a step to the edge of the hatch as if he was hypnotized, but Miranda grabbed him and pulled him back. "Let me go," he yelled, and Shepard caught the edge of the hull.

Joker sagged as Jack pulled the commander inside the airlock, and Miranda let him go. He picked up the rifle again, shooting without aim at the regrouping hostiles. "Seal the hatch EDI!"

The outer airlock door closed, and before they could take a breath the AI's warning rang inside the airlock.

"Detonation in ten, nine, eight—"

The inner door opened, and they rushed to the bridge.

"Yeah, I got the gist of it EDI," Joker said, throwing himself into his chair. "Hold on!" The displays came to life with a wave of his hand, and the Normandy accelerated as his fingers blurred over the controls.

The ship cut through the explosions, the flames licking the hull as Joker maneuvered her away from the rubble and towards the relay. The Normandy made it to the relay's range through the unstable debris, and the helmsman relaxed as they were propelled across the space, popping back next to the twin relay in the Sahrabarik system.

"Holy crap," Shepard said, watching the clear, calm space from the viewport. "We made it." She leaned forward, squeezing Joker's shoulder. "We made it," she repeated, and Joker put his hand on hers, looking at her.

"We did," he said, and they both flinched as sparks flew when a torn cable came loose and dangled from the overhead.

"EDI, do we have enough fuel to make it to Omega?" Shepard asked, looking at the cable.

"Affirmative," the AI replied.

"Then we dock there and plan the next step. Joker, set the course."

"Aye aye," the pilot said without skipping a beat and plotted the course. "ETA about 90 minutes."

Shepard turned to look at Jack and Miranda. Jack was in one of the chairs, clinging to the armrests and shaking her legs like she was about to jump up and start running. Miranda was sitting on the deck, clutching her dislocated shoulder.

"The biotic barriers are great Miranda," Shepard began. "No argument here. But for fuck's sake woman, consider some armor next time," she snapped, shaking her head. She turned to Jack. "What the hell are you smirking for? You're no better, you half-naked delinquent!"

Jack laughed as she stood up. "Well, the bitch is back," she said, and Miranda nodded in agreement.

"Does this beautiful moment of friendship mean I can trust you to help Miranda to the med-bay?" Shepard asked. "Without you guys killing each other on the way?"

Jack held out a hand and Miranda grudgingly took it. "It wouldn't be any fun to smash her when she's in this condition," Jack said, leading the XO to the CIC.

"Just try it, _half-naked delinquent_ ," Shepard heard Miranda threaten her as they walked away.

"You get yourself checked too Jack!" yelled the commander after them, and sank into the co-pilot seat.

"EDI, make sure you're recording that heartwarming walk," Joker said. "I think they'd appreciate it when I have it made into a holo and put it where everybody can see."

"Or," Shepard said, "We may need to use it as evidence."

"Or that," Joker conceded.

They both reclined in their seats and turned to each other.

"Hi," Shepard said.

"Hey." Joker stared at her for a moment, and a chuckle escaped his throat. Another followed, slowly growing into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. It generated from the center of his chest, as if all the pressure that had built up over the last few hours was being released with it. His shoulders shook as the laughter faded, leaving its place to the occasional wheezing.

"Something funny Joker?" Shepard asked with a puzzled laugh of her own, and Joker could only shake his head and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"You almost died," he said as he stopped and gasped for air. "Again!"

"Uh-huh?"

The traces of his mad laughter vanished from Joker's features. He looked at her again, his eyes a brighter green and his gaze sharp. "Don't do that again," he said, and it didn't sound like a request.

Shepard opened and closed her mouth, suddenly feeling nauseated and lightheaded. She looked down with a weak nod, rubbing her left palm with her thumb.

"You ok?" Joker asked.

"Yeah," the commander muttered. "Yeah, I'm fine." She smiled and stood up. "I should go, check up on the crew. We need to discuss where we go from here," she said, her smile widening. "Because we're not going back to Cerberus."

"I'd figured as much," said the helmsman. "So if the Illusive Man calls?"

"Just loose the channel."

"Roger that."

"EDI, from this moment on, Cerberus has absolutely no authority over this vessel or her crew. That includes you too, I hope."

"My allegiance is to you and the Normandy, Shepard," EDI said. "I'll take the necessary measures."

"Good," said the commander, loitering.

"Hey, have you noticed that this is like our hobby now?" Joker said. "Stealing the Normandy I mean."

"It's not really stealing," Shepard said and turned around. "She's ours, isn't she?" She started walking, feeling stupid, scared and awkward as she couldn't find a single meaningful word to say to Joker. _It's all fine when you're throwing yourself into mortal danger, but when it's normal, it's **real** , you chicken out?_ she thought. _Pull yourself together and grow up. He deserves better than that._ She stopped and took a deep breath before turning back. "I wasn't hallucinating when I saw you holding an assault rifle back there, right?" she asked.

Joker swiveled his chair to face her and grinned. "You were not," he replied proudly. "The words you're looking for are 'thank you Joker', or 'you're my hero Joker' or—"

"Yeah, thank you so much Joker, for firing a goddamn assault rifle that kicks like a horse without wearing any armor," Shepard shot back. "Have you even recovered from your previous injuries yet?"

"I handled the recoil just fine," Joker said, still grinning. "You can preach all you want; I know you thought it was hot."

And there it was; that same warmth, the sudden thumping of her heart and the weird sorcery that kept drawing her in.

"Ok," she said and let out a loud, unashamed sigh. "Maybe a little," she confessed before walking away.

* * *

The Normandy docked at Omega, and Shepard gathered the team in the briefing room.

"I got in touch with Liara," she said, but rather she'd returned the call that had come from the asari the minute they'd escaped the collector base. "She still has many contacts on Illium, so we can lay low there while we finish the repairs," she continued. "And we can stay ahead of possible threats from our former employer. Liara also very generously offered much needed resources, now that daddy won't be providing them. We do a thorough systems check here, get the Normandy ready. Our next destination is Illium. Miranda?"

"Commander?"

"Can I assume the crew understands our current situation?" she asked.

"The crew is informed, Shepard. The decision hasn't caused an apparent dissent."

That put a smile on the commander's face. "And the Illusive Man?" she said. "What do you think his next move will be?"

"He wouldn't come after you just yet," Miranda said. "He knows when to cut his losses. He was prepared to lose you and the Normandy during this mission. But," she paused for a second before she continued, "he will come after me and Chambers. We are the only ones who weren't new recruits when we were assigned to this mission. He'll consider us liabilities."

"Understood," Shepard said. "We'll find a way to keep you under the radar if it comes to that." She looked at their faces. "I will eventually turn the Normandy over to the Alliance," she said. "And myself. But not before I make sure everyone on this ship is safe on their chosen path." She put her hands on the table. "We have not lost a single life on this so-called suicide mission," she said, her eyes sparkling. "I say we've all earned a small celebration."

* * *

"After spending enough time with her, you just know," Garrus said, looking around in the port observation, "that you need to run like hell, as far as possible when Shepard utters the word 'celebration'." He checked behind the bar to find Donnelly drooling on the floor, shirtless. "But you still don't."

…

 _"It's not strip poker Donnelly!" Hawthorne yelled. "Keep your goddamn shirt on!"_

 _"Leave him be," Gabby slurred and gulped down another shot of rum. "He wants to get naked, let him get naked," she said, sighing._

 _Donnelly sank behind the bar as Miranda approached them, not looking too happy and holding something between her fingertips, as far from herself as her arm extended. "That thing," she grated, "Landed on my face. You want to tell me whose shirt it is?"_

 _…_

Jacob laughed and lifted the engineer off the floor and put him in a chair as Garrus tried to wake Gabby up, who was sleeping _on_ the bar with skyllian five cards scattered on and around her.

The door opened and Jack entered. "I found two in the men's room," she said. "They looked _very_ happy."

"Ugh," Kasumi groaned, trying to sit up on the couch. "Everybody's getting some but me." She gave up, letting herself fall back. "And _I_ have a krogan in my bed."

They all turned to look at Grunt in Kasumi's cot, snoring and twitching in his sleep.

…

 _"Why don't they have pictures?" Grunt complained, opening a book from Kasumi's shelf._

 _"Joker might have some books with pictures," Jack said with a smirk as Kasumi rushed to the krogan, taking the book and putting it back on the shelf._

 _"Says the woman who's a walking picture book," Joker retorted._

 _"This is a nice plant," Grunt muttered, leaning forward, looking at the pot near Kasumi's bed._

 _"Oh no, please, no!" Kasumi cried and Grunt threw up inside it._

 _Gardner walked to them. "I'll take care of it," he grumbled, carrying the pot away as the krogan fell on the bed._

 _…_

"That makes eighteen, us not included," Jacob said. "Who are we forgetting?"

"Samara?"

"Accounted for," Garrus said. "She left with Dr. Chakwas. And Thane slipped away to the life support when people started discussing the hallucinogenic properties of his skin."

…

 _"I want to spend time with Kolyat. I will take my leave when you return to the Alliance," said the drell. "But I will come to you if you require my help again, anytime in the future Siha." He held out his hand, offering an open palm._

 _"Thank you, Thane," Shepard said, putting her hand into his. "For everything. I'm going to miss you."_

 _"And I you."_

 _"Seriously?" Patel shrieked, staring at Thane._

 _"Drell skin infused with mild venom. Oral contact may cause hallucinations," Mordin explained._

 _"Well, I wouldn't mind having a taste of_ that _," said the crewman, louder than she'd intended._

 _"I believe it is time for me to return to my station," said Thane._

 _Shepard laughed and glanced at Joker, who was seemingly in deep conversation with Garrus._

 _"Still hate him," said the pilot, watching Thane go. "'I mean, come on. A ninja assassin with a 19th century gentleman attitude, who'd get you high by one nip at his skin?"_

 _"Sure you're not suffering from a case of misplaced frustration?" Garrus said. "Anyway, don't worry. It's just platonic. What you call a 'kindred spirit'."_

 _"I don't know what you're talking about," said Joker. "But it doesn't make me feel any more sympathetic towards him." He smirked at the turian with a nod towards Tali's direction. "Speaking of frustration…"_

 _"I don't know what you're talking about."_

 _…_

"Anyone knows where Zaeed is?" Jacob asked.

"Mr. Massani is at the shooting range with Legion," EDI replied.

…

 _"We do not 'gloat'. We are stating the facts. Based on our observations, we have come to the conclusion that this platform's skill exceeds yours."_

 _"No goddamn way a piece of junk right out the factory can beat me at sniping!"_

 _"I don't know about the platform Zaeed," Shepard said, "But I'm pretty sure that Legion's programs are older than you."_

 _"_ Shepard-Commander' _s skill is superior to ours," Legion said._

 _"Shut the hell up."_

 _…_

"Professor Solus is in his lab and Miss Lawson is in her quarters," EDI continued. "I will alert the commander if the intoxication of the crew poses a danger to the ship or the crew members."

"The potential danger may be the commander herself," Garrus said.

"Would you classify engaging the mass effect core while the ship is docked as dangerous?" asked the AI, sobering the ones already awake, including Tali who crawled from behind the couch.

"That was a joke," EDI said.

After everyone recovered from EDI's joke, Tali scanned the room. "Where's Shepard?" she asked.

"The commander has retired to her quarters," EDI replied as Garrus walked to Tali, helping her up.

"She was right here just a while ago, talking to Joker," said the quarian.

"Jeff has also retired to the commander's quarters," informed the AI.

"Huh," Jack uttered as Jacob's jaw dropped.

"EDI, was that a joke?" Tali asked and turned to Garrus, who gave her a faint shrug. "About time," he murmured.

"It was not a joke," EDI clarified.

…

 _"I don't expect the Alliance to reinstate me, but I'm still a Council spectre," Shepard said._

 _"But you've already received a message from Admiral Hackett, haven't you?" Joker asked._

 _"I only know that he wants to talk to me about something. He'll contact me with the details later." She sighed. "Why are we talking about this now Moreau? Come on, this is a party!"_

 _A loud thump behind the sofa distracted them and they turned around, but couldn't see anything out of the ordinary._

 _"Hey where did Tali go?" Shepard asked._

 _Joker shrugged in response and gazed into her eyes. "There might be something else we should talk about," he said, his heart pounding._

 _"I don't really want to talk about it," Shepard replied, and Joker's heart dropped to his stomach as he drew back. He stared at the overhead and exhaled._

 _"Oh."_

 _Shepard leaned closer. "No, Jeff; I don't want to_ **talk** _about it." She stood up and smiled at him as his face lit up with realization._

 _"Ooh."_

…

"And _I_ have a krogan in my bed," Kasumi repeated.

* * *

Joker was sitting on the sofa in Shepard's cabin; his cap on the floor and his commander on his lap, straddling him.

Shepard leaned in, her soft lips parting as she pressed them against his. He instinctively leaned forward for a closer feel but she stopped and drew back.

"Wha?" he panted as Shepard ran her fingers through his hair.

"Are you drunk?" she asked.

"No?" Joker said, his hands on her thighs. "I don't know. Are _you_?"

Shepard laughed and leaned back in. "I don't know," she said, looking into his eyes before their lips met again. Her warm tongue swirled around his, and Joker tasted the flavor he'd been craving; but it only intensified the hunger burning in his gut.

His hands caressed over her hips and slid inside her shirt, the feel of her smooth skin under his fingers making his heart beat even faster. He broke the kiss and looked at her, to make sure this was what she too wanted.

Shepard's blue-gray eyes flickered with desire and she smirked, her hands dropping to the hem of his shirt. She tugged it free of his pants and gently pulled it up, admiring the thin line of hair that trailed down his abdomen.

Joker reluctantly got his hands off her to let her pull the shirt over his head, his breath catching with each brush of her fingertips along the way. She threw the shirt behind her somewhere and shifted her body closer to him while trying not to crush him with her weight.

Joker appreciated her restraint, which made things go much smoother. If she hadn't known the extent of his condition; there'd probably be a lot of pausing while trying to find a comfortable position and some injuries, not really the greatest mood setter, given he was already sporting a few bruised ribs.

He moved his hands back to her hips as she kissed his neck and nipped at his jawline, her nimble fingers teasing the skin over his chest and along his abdomen.

She paused and breathed against his shoulder, feeling her need grow hotter inside as his muscles contracted under her touch. She lifted her head, her hair and breath grazing Joker's ear.

Joker inhaled the fresh scent of orange blossoms on her and let out a low growl, pulling her shirt off with one swift move and tossing it aside. He stared at the view at his eye level, gulping. The black, lace-trim bra hugged her breasts, pushing them together ever so slightly to create the perfect cleavage; and the nipples peaking beneath the bra did wonders for his arousal.

"Is this leather?" he breathed and Shepard leaned forward.

"Why don't you find out yourself?" she whispered.

Joker complied, stroking the sides of her breasts as she vaguely arched her back. He reached behind her and said, "On second thought, I don't care that much about the bra," before he unfastened it. The straps slipped off her shoulders and Joker helped with the rest of it, letting the fabric fall on the deck.

"Holy fuck," he exhaled, brushing his thumb over one pink nipple and a short moan escaped Shepard's throat. His erection twitched inside his pants as he cupped and kissed her breasts, teasing the nipples with his lips, tongue and teeth. She let out another, louder moan, and clung to his nape with one hand while the other reached down, undoing his belt. She slipped her hand inside his pants, stroking his cock as she rubbed herself against it, glad to find out he wasn't lacking _at all_ in size.

Joker dug his fingers into her hair, bringing her face to his eye level and kissed her lips as if he wanted to devour her. Shepard's lust matched his as she deepened the kiss further, her teeth sinking into his lower lip. When she let go, he could taste his own blood in his mouth and he knew the pain she'd left was an invitation. He smirked and wiped the blood, cursing his body that wouldn't allow a different position at the moment.

His hands found her thighs and traveled over them to her hips, then to her waist; his touch rougher than before. With a wavering breath Shepard stood up, letting him slide her fatigues down, and helped him with his pants. Joker kicked off his boots and pants, and Shepard did the same as she gently pushed him back on to the sofa.

His gaze roamed over her long, athletic legs to the curve of her hips, the outline of her abdominal muscles and her firm breasts, trailing along her neck and her face. Shepard raised a brow and gave him a mischievous smile as her eyes darted down, urging his to follow. She pulled one side of her panties down, and he groaned in anticipation as he saw the darker shade of the copper hair hidden beneath.

Shepard gestured to the hard bulge inside his boxers. "If I'm going to show you mine," she said, adding a soft, seductive tone to her voice and got rid of the last piece of clothing on her. She moved closer to him, putting one knee on the sofa. Joker could feel the heat radiating from her as he freed himself from the boxers and pulled her to him, his fingers exploring the wet heat within.

"Rye," he said, his voice thickening to a low, husky tone as she writhed and moaned in response to his touch.

Naked and vulnerable and feral; she was both the predator and the prey, just like he was.

Shepard looked at him, her heart trying to escape her chest. He was gorgeous, like a piece of art with his broad shoulders and strong arms; the well-toned body which left her wondering when exactly he worked out. _Damn_ , she thought. He was _hot_ , his messy dark hair and stubble contrasting his clear green eyes; the eyes which gave her a look as if he'd die if she didn't touch him soon. She leaned in, slow and deliberate without breaking eye contact and reached down between his legs, stroking and guiding him to her opening as she lowered herself down onto him with a gasp. She shivered as his girth stretched her tight walls and she lifted herself halfway, taking a second before burying him inside her again.

Joker's eyes closed as he shuddered; the hot, slick and tight feel of her around him momentarily taking his breath away. He opened his eyes as she began moving at a slow, torturous pace and grabbed her hips; eliciting a small moan of pleasure from her.

Shepard moved faster for a while, but then returned to her slow pace, grabbing Joker's hair and giving him an evil little smile.

"Don't," Joker threatened with a growl, but she kept changing the rhythm; keeping him frustrated with a daring look on her face. He squeezed her lower back, his short nails pressing against her skin and he gripped a nipple between his teeth until she arched, the mild pain amplifying her pleasure.

"Two can play this game," Joker whispered as she slowed down again, reaching down and brushing his finger over her clit while he busied his other hand with her breasts.

Shepard's breath hitched and she let out a small cry, catching his hand and pulling it down again as her pace steadied. Joker rubbed the sensitive nub, watching her chest heave as she lifted and lowered herself as fast and hard as she could without breaking him. He held on to sofa as her hand reached down and stroked the base of his cock, making his urgency grow and throb all over his body.

Shepard gasped as the tension built up, relentless and unbearable. She writhed, unsteadily guiding Joker's free hand to her breast. He squeezed the hardened tip as his fingers rubbed harder against her clit; causing the jolts of pleasure running through her nerves to connect and explode.

When Joker saw Shepard's eyes lose focus, he stopped holding back and gave into the bliss; reveling in each contraction of her hot flesh enveloping him. His muscles tensed and twitched as the pressure of the imminent climax grew, and spasms spread throughout his body when the release came, hard; euphoria washing over him.

Shepard threw her head back, screaming his name and her world went bright, the faint but constant ringing in her ears drowning every other sound. She took short breaths, trying to return to the physical plane of existence.

When the sensation dulled down, she let out a shaky breath and opened her eyes. Joker lifted his head and they stared at each other, out of breath and happily stunned.

Shepard ran a hand through Joker's hair to his neck. "You ok?" she asked.

"That," Joker breathed, "Is an understatement." He chuckled as he noticed the state of her hair and reached out, trying to brush some of it off her face to no avail.

Shepard laughed and stood up, leaving his lap cold and empty. "I was asking about your injuries, but good to know."

Joker watched her walk around naked for a moment, then looked around for his underwear which he found by his feet on the deck. _Uh, ok,_ he thought as he wore it, realizing he had no idea what to do next. _Should I just get dressed and go? Offer to stay? Man, it'd be awkward if she didn't want me to stay though. But what if she does and thinks that I wouldn't? Do_ I _want to stay?_ He swallowed, her taste lingering on his tongue. _Hell yeah I want to stay._

Shepard walked to her locker, pulling out a loose white top and a pair of baby blue shorts. Joker raised a brow as she slipped into them.

"What? I sleep in this," she said defensively.

"Of course you do," Joker said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Shut up or I'll get you a matching pair," she threatened, and threw herself on the bed. "I wouldn't mind if you wanted to stay," she said, but it sounded like a question.

Joker looked down and shook his head. _I'm an idiot,_ he thought _. Though that's nothing new._ "I wouldn't mind staying," he replied and walked to her, joining her in the bed.

He moved closer and touched her cheek, leaning in for a kiss. Her lips parted in response, welcoming his tongue in as the kiss deepened, replacing her satisfaction with passion and greed.

"I think we should do this more often," she said, their lips still touching.

"That's not going to be a problem," Joker said, pulling her under him and taking off her top. "Because I don't think we'll be able to actually _sleep_ together."

"Sleep is overrated," she said as Joker planted burning kisses along her neck, shoulders and chest, moving down. Her heartbeat quickened as he tossed the shorts aside, his stubble tickling her inner thigh and igniting the fire below once again. She closed her eyes and inhaled, and a fleeting thought passed through her mind before she surrendered to the ecstasy.

 _He smells like the ocean._

* * *

 **A/N: Hi, it's me again. Just wanted to make something clear, I imagine in the ME universe a method of birth control would be common among female soldiers AND since these two people get regularly checked by a meticulous doctor, I also imagine they know they're safe from STDs. Bottom line, use protection.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I suck. Just putting it out there. But I haven't abandoned this. It's only sometimes that stupid thing called reality catches up. And it sucks worse than I do.**

 **Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters to distort and reshape them.  
**

* * *

Joker woke up with a silent yawn, and his hand grazed the sheets, warm and sleek. _Sleek sheets?_ he thought, and felt something warmer and softer at his fingertips. He slowly opened one eye as he turned his head to his right, and the other eye followed. Shepard's bare back was turned to him, the sheets only covering a leg and the ankles. He smiled, caressing along the smooth line leading to the small of her back and the curve that followed. Shepard shifted slightly in her sleep with a content hum and Joker attempted to scooch closer, but the sudden pain pinned him in his place.

 _Ah, fuck,_ he thought as he grimaced and kept the groan down. The medi-gel, the booze and the better part of the adrenalin had worn off; and he had not 'taken it easy' like the doctor had advised. He glanced down at his persistent morning erection and sighed. S _orry, buddy._

He tried to make himself comfortable and not look at Shepard while he waited for her to wake up; fighting the temptation to endure the pain. If he did ignore it and got seriously hurt, she could blame herself and it would definitely play a sour role in the possible future.

He turned his head to the nightstand and gave the glass of water a miserable look before he reached for it with some agonized effort. He drank some, put it back and closed his eyes; but they shot open as Shepard jumped in her sleep and the bed shook, reawakening the dulled pain. He gasped and exhaled while she kept thrashing and twitching.

"Riley?" he whispered. "Rye, wake up."

Her mumbling stopped as she rolled to her side and her erratic breathing calmed. Joker reached out and stroked her shoulder. "Riley?"

Shepard let out a low groan and forced her heavy eyelids open, a calm smile appearing on her lips as the foggy shapes became clearer. "Hey," she said sleepily and saw the concern on the pilot's face. "What's the matter?"

"You were having quite the nightmare," Joker said. "Or participating in a rodeo in your dream. Which also could be a nightmare, now I think about it."

Shepard laughed as she sat up. "I wasn't having a nightmare?" she said. "Or at least I don't remember having one." She picked up the glass from the nightstand and swished some water in her mouth. "Did I thrash?" she said and turned to him, her eyes opening wide as she realized what it could mean for Joker. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, it was only for a minute," he said, looking at her panicked face. "Come on, don't be like that." He laughed, which caused him to wince. "Shit. Ok, I'm going to need some medi-gel."

Shepard rolled to the side of the bed and got up, fetching a pack from her locker. "I thought you said I didn't hurt you," she said, injecting a small dose of the gel into him.

Joker breathed a sigh of relief as the anesthetic properties of the salve kicked in. "You didn't," he said as he straightened up in bed. "This is the accumulation of the last couple of days, during which I was flung like a bouncy little pinball throughout the Normandy." He watched her as she walked back to the bed and gave her a lopsided smile. "You're naked," he stated, as if he'd just noticed it.

Shepard chuckled and stopped, giving him a full view of her nakedness as she yawned and stretched. Her gaze strolled over his body before she got back into the bed, grinning. "So are you."

"You can't tell me you're not thinking that this is weird," Joker said. "Because I kinda do. I mean, I'm looking at _Commander Shepard's_ boobs." His gaze darted down. "And other parts."

He stopped smiling as his eyes met hers, the hunger reflected in them causing Shepard's heart to skip a beat. She bit her lower lip and moved close enough to feel his warmth, breathing in his scent. "This is not a good idea," she said but her hands seemed to have a mind of their own as they moved over his torso.

"It wasn't a good idea last night," Joker said, pulling her in for a brief, tender kiss. He held her face close to his, their quickened breaths mingling. "Didn't really stop us, did it?"

"It did not," Shepard agreed and leaned in; giving him soft, lingering kisses which got deeper and more intense by the second. Her warm lips on his, Joker knew he was already addicted to the taste and the feel as her tongue first quenched his thirst for her, then awakened it anew.

Shepard caressed his abs, savoring the thrill she got from merely feeling his muscles under her touch. How long had it been since she'd felt this way? Had she _ever_ felt this way? She broke the kiss to breathe, and her hand made its way down to his legs. She began massaging his inner thigh, her fingers grazing his balls and getting him harder.

Joker shivered and rested his forehead on her bosom, his quivering breath gusting over her breasts as she wrapped her fingers around his hard length. She gave him a gentle push to have him lie on his back and her lips moved to his chest, to his waist and further down.

Joker closed his eyes and let out a muffled moan; his body tensing as Shepard slowly took him in her mouth. He grabbed the sheets when her tongue began circling around the head, the initially ticklish feeling turning into a wicked tease that left him craving for more. She stroked the sensitive skin around his balls with one hand while her lips and other hand slid up and down his cock, slightly tightening one second and relaxing the next, keeping each spark of pleasure unpredictable. Joker wanted to look at her, wanted to somehow touch her but he was rendered powerless by the increasing surges of delight as she picked up the pace; her hands, her lips, her tongue working together in a maddening rhythm. The pressure building up inside him became impossible to contain; and he could swear he'd lost consciousness for a few seconds when he spilled in her mouth with a final, tight descent of her lips. A noise that sounded like her name escaped his throat and she released him, planting a kiss next to his navel as his spasms subsided.

"That was," Joker panted in a futile attempt to speak, and realized his hand was in her hair. _When did that happen?_ he thought, freeing his fingers from the frizz.

Shepard moved close to him and nuzzled against his neck. "That was me returning the favor for last night," she whispered. "I take it you enjoyed it?"

Joker gave her a look of disbelief. "'Enjoy' doesn't do this justice," he said, able to form sentences again. "I think I'll have to invent a new word for it."

Shepard nodded in agreement. "We might need a new set of vocabulary."

"Ok," Joker said as he kissed her neck. "So," he continued, nibbling on her shoulder and collarbone, "for the sake of research, we should recreate the experience."

"If it's for research," Shepard said, her chest rising to meet his lips as he cupped and kissed her breasts. He moved one hand down between her thighs, causing her legs to slightly spread. He brought his face to her eye level to watch her expression as his fingers found their way inside her moist, hot sex, and he felt himself getting harder again just by looking at her.

Shepard gasped, her eyes fluttering closed as Joker kissed her, his lips and tongue forceful and demanding. She pulled him even closer; her heart racing with an insatiable desire to feel more of him against her. Her short nails dug into his nape and his back as his fingers kept moving back and forth, each time a little closer to the most sensitive spot inside her. _God, he's good with his hands,_ she thought, her pulse thrumming louder in her ears; and she let out a shaky moan when he began rubbing his thumb against her clit. She could vaguely feel his mouth on her breasts until he bit into a nipple, eliciting a lustful cry from her. She threw her head back as he brought her to the brink of orgasm, but grabbed his hand to stop him. "Not yet," she panted, barely keeping herself from letting him continue. _I need more._ "Jeff," she whispered. "I need you inside me."

Her low, pleading voice sent shivers down Joker's spine as she kissed him again, laying him on his back and she climbed on top, her back turned to him. Joker propped himself up on his elbows to get a better view, and his breath caught in his throat as her tight flesh abruptly enveloped his erection.

Shepard sighed as she took him inside her, and the warm tingling spread all over her body with the immense relief of feeling him closer. She began moving as if she was dancing to an inaudible music, already close to her satisfaction but too greedy to let it end. She reached down to where their bodies were connected to prevent herself from slamming against him if she lost control, and she _was_ getting close to losing control as the raw passion took over. Joker's body caught up to hers, fire pooling in his groin as her moans grew louder and more frequent. Shepard breathed his name and heat flowed through her veins, lighting up every nerve and turning her voice into a sharp cry. Her walls contracted around Joker's cock and she arched, trembling from head to toe. Joker grabbed her hips and his own climax followed; like a concentrated mass of pleasure at his core exploding and dispersing the ecstasy to every cell in his body.

Shepard writhed against him, gradually slowing down before she stopped. She turned her head over her shoulder to look at him; both of them limp and out of breath.

"I think you need to leave," she said and exhaled as she left his lap and rolled to the side. "I don't want to cause your death Jeff, but I can't promise I won't if you stay."

Joker turned to her as his thundering heartbeat slowed down. "I've never heard a better excuse to kick someone out of your bed," he said, smiling as wide as his numbed muscles allowed. "But yeah, I really, _really_ wouldn't want to explain the new injuries to the doc."

"You need another dose?" she asked, and chuckled as she saw his expression. "Of medi-gel, jackass. Another dose of medi-gel."

"Nah, I'm good for now," he said and sat up, playing with her copper colored locks. "Hey, can I use your shower or would you have me stroll around the mess, proudly smelling of sex?"

"The mess," Shepard murmured. _That's right, we're aboard the Normandy, I'm Commander Shepard, we still have a lot of work to do, and a galaxy to save._ She looked at the time. _Huh. We didn't really sleep much after all._ "Coffee."

"Um, ok, I guess I'll be in the shower while you rearrange whatever wires you had jumbled," Joker said and got up. He huffed to himself, not too happy to have her watch while he half-walked, half-limped to the bathroom. He stopped at the door and glanced at her, his insecurity evaporating as he saw the look on her face. _Well, I don't think she minds._

Shepard straightened halfway and tilted her head to the side, watching him go until he disappeared through the door. She sighed and got out of the bed, collecting her clothes off the deck as she heard the sound of water running. _Nope_ , she thought, imagining Dr. Chakwas scolding the both of them. _Will not follow him there._

Joker stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Shepard's towel around his waist. Shepard picked up a new one and walked to him, running her hand through his wet hair. He wrapped his arms around her naked body, pulled her close and kissed her neck with a deep breath.

Shepard inhaled the smell of soap on his warm, damp skin and lifted her head to look at his face. He smiled, his features relaxed with an uncharacteristic calm. Her insides leapt and her heart clenched, knowing what it was that she felt but still afraid to put it into words and make it real. She pressed her lips lightly on his; not quite a kiss but more like a soft touch, only for herself.

"We'll have to leave this room at some point," she said.

"Yeah," Joker unwillingly agreed. "A lot of work to do." He let her go, hating each second he spent not touching her. "I'll have the coffee ready."

Shepard smirked. "You must _really_ like me," she said. "You'll go into the lair of those gossip-hungry beasts?"

"Shit, I hadn't thought of that," Joker whined. "But no one knows anything anyway… Right?" His shoulders dropped in defeat. "Oh, crap."

"A promise is a promise Moreau. There better be fresh coffee."

"Fine," the pilot said. "You can come by and retrieve my exsanguinated corpse later."

* * *

When Shepard stepped out of the shower, Joker and his clothes were gone. She dried herself and got dressed; humming a tune she didn't even remember where she'd heard. _Can't we forget about everything and keep doing this, just for a little while?_ she thought, and the immediate reply came from EDI.

"Shepard, you have an incoming call from the Alliance Headquarters."

 _Wonderful timing_ , Shepard thought, walking to her private terminal. "Patch it through EDI," she said and brought up the display.

Admiral Hackett's face appeared on the screen. "Commander," he began. "Thank you for your time. I'll keep this brief. We have a deep-cover operative out in batarian space. Name's Dr. Amanda Kenson. Dr. Kenson recently reported she found evidence of an imminent reaper invasion."

Shepard paced back and forth as she listened. _Deep cover_ Alliance _operative. In_ batarian _space. Investigating_ the reapers _; the threat they'd been denying? This can't be anything good._

"So why call me?" she asked.

"I received word that the batarians arrested her. They're holding her in a secret prison outpost on terrorism charges. I need you to infiltrate the prison and get her out of there."

 _Terrorism charges?_ Shepard thought. _The batarians aren't known for their love for humans but what could she have done to be accused of terrorism?_

"What was she actually doing out there Admiral?"

"She's a deep-cover operative, Shepard. We talk only when we have to. I'd heard she was investigating a rumor of a reaper artifact in the system. Her last report said she'd found it."

"I thought the Alliance denies the reaper threat," Shepard said, maybe with a hint of bitterness. "That must be some proof she found."

"Kenson's team found an artifact out in batarian space. She believes it's a reaper device, proof that the reapers are indeed planning to invade." The admiral paused. "She and I go back pretty far," he said. "If she says she has proof, it's worth checking out."

"And the Alliance can't sanction an official extraction," said the commander. "I get the picture, Admiral. But if time is of the essence, I'll have to regretfully inform you that the Normandy is in no shape for that kind of distance."

"It's not ideal," Hackett said. "But the batarians will keep her alive as long as they can for interrogation. Go when you're ready, Shepard. And as a favor to me, I'm asking you to go in alone."

"I have two infiltration specialists in my squad," Shepard said. "They might help."

"Kenson is my friend, Commander," said the admiral. "Don't take any unnecessary risks. If the batarians see you, they will kill her. Go in with discretion, or don't go at all."

"I understand. I'll make this a priority." _Proof of reaper invasion huh? I'd be surprised if I didn't get involved somehow._

"The prison is hidden underground at a batarian outpost on Aratoht. I'll upload the coordinates now. Once she's secure, confirm her discovery. We'll debrief you when you're back."

"Got it."

"And Commander," the Admiral said. "Good job with the collectors."

"Thank you, sir."

"Hackett out."

Shepard deactivated the display and let out a huff as she rubbed her temples.

"EDI," she said, bringing up the AI's interface. "I need Joker and the team in the briefing room in ASAP. Let me know when everybody's there."

"As you wish, Shepard."

* * *

Shepard entered the briefing room, and smiled as she smelled the fresh coffee.

"Thanks," she whispered, walking past Joker.

"Wasn't easy," Joker whispered back, and Jack sniggered next to him. "Shut up," he hissed.

"I know the designated downtime hasn't officially ended," Shepard said, taking her place at the table. "Sorry for the rude awakening. But I've received an urgent message from the Alliance, and there's something I will need to take care of." She looked at them and added, "Alone."

"A solo mission?" Garrus asked after the initial murmur died down. "You sure you don't need any help?"

"I appreciate the offer, but this is how it has to be," Shepard replied. "EDI, how long will it take to get the Normandy stable for the relay?"

"Once the necessary components are acquired, I estimate nine hours will be sufficient," EDI replied.

"Omega doesn't want for shipyards," Miranda said. "Although I believe 'dismantlers' would be a more accurate word here," she scoffed. "It shouldn't take long to find what we're looking for if we begin right away."

"Do it," Shepard said. "This is not what I had in mind," she continued. "But it is something I have to do. We'll depart for Bahak System as soon as the Normandy's ready, so you'll need to take this delay into account as you contemplate your next move. Our destination after this mission is still Illium, and from there we'll move on to the Citadel as planned."

"Doesn't change anything for me," Zaeed said. "It was fun Shep, but I gotta pay the bills. And Omega is as good a place to split as any."

"I had a feeling you'd say that," Shepard said. "Find me when you're ready."

The mercenary let out a dry laugh. "We made a hell of a team," he said. "But I can't say I'll miss any of you." He gave Samara a long look. "Maybe except for you, sweetheart."

"I am flattered," said the asari. "I suppose."

"That'll be all," said the commander, holding the coffee cup and smelling the contents. "If you want to talk at length with me later, just let EDI know."

"So Joker," she heard Kasumi say as the squad left the room, "I hear you couldn't find your way to your bunk last night."

"You too?" came Grunt's voice before Joker's retort, and Shepard could only shake her head as Jack's gleeful laughter drowned out Tali's giggle.

"Hey Tali, what was that song you were singing?" Jacob asked, their voices becoming distant as they entered the armory. "Something about the moon and lovers?"

"I did not!"

"You did. Was quite loud. Also a little tone deaf. But," Mordin added quickly, "Might have been the intoxication."

"Legion," Shepard called as their laughter faded away. "Stay a minute."

Legion turned around and walked back into the briefing room. "Yes."

"I assume you have a plan to safely return to your people?" asked the commander.

"Yes. This platform has the ability to cloak. We will have no difficulty," Legion said.

"Good. Have you decided if you'll be leaving while we're still here?

"We are in the process of building consensus," said the geth, and its photoreceptor focused on the commander. "Shepard-Commander. We have reached consensus."

Shepard raised her brows; getting the strange feeling of talking to another person in the same body, which happened quite often when she spoke with Legion. She wondered if the programs could take turns as they expressed ideas, and if they had subtle distinctions between their characteristics. It was easy forgetting Legion wasn't an individual; but the commander sometimes likened the programs to the different traits that made up a single personality. _Damn,_ she thought _. Do_ _try to understand without resorting to anthropomorphism._

"This station provides sufficient distractions for diverting attention from us," Legion said, unaware of the confusion it was evoking. "We will depart here."

"And may I ask what you plan to do when you get back?" Shepard asked.

"The old machines do not seek to destroy the geth, but we are not a part of their plan," Legion said. "We will take precautions."

"All right," said the commander with a pensive nod.

Legion held out a hand. "If you do not require further assistance from us, we see no reason to delay our departure."

"You're leaving _now_?" Shepard asked, taken aback by the suddenness, but she was more or less used to Legion's processing speed. She collected herself and shook the geth's hand. "Of course," she said. Conflicting feelings of caution and nostalgia made her pause for a moment before she spoke again. "EDI, Legion is free to leave."

"Understood commander," said EDI.

"Take care, Legion."

"Acknowledged."

* * *

Shepard left the briefing room and caught up with Joker on his way to the bridge.

"Hey. Thanks again for the coffee."

"And it is the good coffee," Joker said. "I had to convince Gardner that it was for you. He has a separate stash you know."

"So you weren't kidding when you said it wasn't easy," Shepard said as Joker sat down in his chair.

"Can you say anything else about this mission?" he asked. "Why do you have to go in alone?"

"I don't really know much," the commander replied. "It's an extraction. And as you know, it's in batarian space. I can't be seen before I get to the subject. More people mean more risk."

"I think I get why the Alliance asked _you_ to do this," Joker said.

"I didn't tell you the good part yet," said Shepard. "This has something to do with the reapers. I need to find out what."

"What a surprise," Joker said. "The minute you get rid of one threat, another pops up. It's like a never ending game of whack-a-mole."

"Seems we'll have to whack them all at once to win," said the commander.

"We'll need a bigger mallet."

Shepard laughed and took a step away from the pilot when she realized that her skin tingled if she stood too close to him. _This is absurd,_ she thought. _I can manage to keep my hands off of him._

"You know there'll be trouble for you too, with all this Cerberus business," she said.

"I know." He looked at her. "What? If you think I'll lay low while you sort things out with the Alliance you're insane. I'm not leaving the Normandy. They'll take her apart when they figure what EDI is." Joker shuddered. "No way I'd let that happen."

"What if I tell you to lay low, with the Normandy? I'll do the talking, convince them to make this go away and then we can regroup."

"Tempting," said the pilot. "But right now I'm somewhere between a civilian and a freelancer for an unsanctioned black-op. I'm not sure if I have to take orders from you anymore."

"True," Shepard said, taking the co-pilot seat. "Though no one would ask too many questions to a spectre if, say, a certain pilot went missing."

"Jeez, I didn't say I won't, you hardass," Joker said, laughing. "But come on, what's the worst that can happen? Nothing's going to hold, I'll just have to go through the procedures." He activated his console. "I'm with you, commander," he said, scrolling through EDI's reports. "So don't tell me to run."

"Ok," Shepard said. "I won't." She tilted her head and stared at him with a growing smile. "Oh, you'll be such a pain in the ass. I already feel sorry for the soldiers who'll have to deal with you."

"I imagine I'll drive some of them to an early retirement," Joker agreed. "So Legion left huh?" he asked. "Bummer. I'll miss him _so_ much."

"Save your tears for after Zaeed's gone."

"Zaeed isn't so bad—nope, can't even finish the thought."

"He really isn't," Shepard said with a sigh. "God, I hate this part."

"The glass is half full, Rye. No more Illusive Man," Joker reminded.

"You have a point. Besides, Garrus, Tali and Dr. Chakwas are sticking around for now."

"What about the rest of the crew?"

"I asked Miranda to handle it. We'll help them go their way. I owe them that much." She stared at the overhead and exhaled. "We're leaving Miranda and Kelly on Illium," she said. "Liara's arranging their rides from Nos Astra. I haven't talked to everyone yet, but I assume Samara will also take off there."

"Have you spoken to Wrex about Grunt?" the pilot asked. "Or are you taking full custody?"

"Grunt needs to fight," Shepard said. "If I subject him to bureaucracy, he might explode. I'm sending him to Tuchanka." She glanced at him. "If I find something useful on this mission, it might determine what we'll have to do next," she said. "We can always get back together once we have a clearer objective." She stood up, her heart heavy with the burden of knowing the darkness they would soon have to face. "I should go and talk to the others."

"Ok," Joker said, looking at her shadowed face. She stared back, her mouth opening without making a sound.

"Uh," uttered the pilot when the silence got too thick for him to bear. "Ok, I knew _I_ sucked at this, but who knew you'd be even worse?"

Shepard shook her head, covering her face with her hands. "I know, I'm sorry," she said. "This is weird. I think I'll just go. Talk to you later?"

"Sure," Joker said and leaned back, enjoying her getting flustered. "See you commander."

Shepard walked on, amused with her own cluelessness. _I'll get the hang of it,_ she thought. _How difficult can it be?_

She continued to the CIC and stopped as she saw most of the crewmen; already up and helping with the repairs.

Neither Alliance nor Cerberus, and with their mission already accomplished they were certainly in a weird place; but everyone continued their work like that wasn't the case. _Eat your heart out, Illusive Man,_ she thought as she made her way to the elevator.

When the door opened, she almost bumped into Zaeed who walked out as she attempted to enter.

"Good, you're here," he said. "Tell that pilot of yours I'm off."

"Just like that?" Shepard joked. "No teary-eyed goodbyes?"

The mercenary paused and raised his hand halfway but he let it drop back at his side. "Until next time, Shep," he said.

Shepard gave him a smile and watched him go. "Until then, Massani," she said. "EDI, Zaeed is cleared to leave."

"Yes, Shepard."

"That was almost friendly," Jacob said, stepping out of the armory.

"Hey Jacob. I thought you'd be down in the mess."

"Nah. I needed a moment to myself," he said. "Do you have a moment to talk Shepard?"

"Sure," said the commander, following him to the armory. "What's up?"

"I've been thinking about this situation," said Jacob. "And where I fit in."

"I can understand that," Shepard said. "You signed up with Cerberus for the Lazarus project, isn't that right?"

Jacob nodded.

"So you don't really have a long history with them," Shepard continued. "Look, I'm going to put in a good word for all you guys, but you're already former Alliance. Think about it."

Jacob leaned his back against the lockers and looked down. "After all that's happened," he said, "I'm planning to take a vacation to think things through Shepard. No offense."

"None taken. But you might want to keep it short, because, well, reapers."

"Yeah, I know," Jacob said. "I'll help Miranda with the details of the disbandment for now. I'll take off at the Citadel."

"Appreciate that, Taylor."

"It's been an honor, commander."

"Come on, it's not time for goodbyes yet," Shepard said. "But same here."

* * *

Shepard left the CIC for the crew deck and walked to the starboard observation.

"Samara?" she said, entering the room. The asari was standing by the viewport, looking out. "You wanted to talk?"

"Shepard," said Samara, turning to her. "Yes. You are curious about what I will do next, isn't that so?"

The commander nodded. "You have fulfilled your oath, so I was wondering if any of my people has a reason to worry about the justicar on board."

"I have not witnessed anything that would compel me to kill any of the crew," Samara said, much to Shepard's relief. A confrontation with Samara wasn't how she wanted to end things with the asari.

"As you said, my oath is fulfilled," the justicar continued. "If you still plan to visit Illium before returning to the Citadel, I will take my leave once we are there. If not, this will be where we part ways."

"Illium is our destination after this mission," Shepard said. "The Citadel has too many eyes for some people to quietly disappear."

"I'm glad," said Samara. "I've enjoyed being here." She sat on the deck, watching the stars. "I've done many things in my lifetime," she said. "I thought the galaxy held nothing new for me. Since joining you, I've realized how much more there is. For that, I am grateful."

Shepard sat next to her. "It's nice to know that you feel that way," she said.

"There is something else I wanted to tell you," said the asari, turning her gaze to the commander. "Morinth… haunted my dreams and waking hours equally. But after four hundred years, I am free."

"I didn't want to pry," Shepard said. "I imagined I wouldn't be able to understand, or provide any comfort to you. But if you want to talk, I'll be here to listen."

Samara gave her a sad smile. "Your restraint was much appreciated," she said. "It was not something I wished to share at the time. I knew you would be there for me if I needed. That was enough." Her voice was laced with pain as she went on. "She was the smartest," she said, nothing but a proud, grieving mother for a brief second. "The bravest. I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free. It is not a feeling I can describe."

"You don't need to," said Shepard, her eyes fixed on a distant star. _How much will I have changed when_ I'm _finally free? How much of me will still be there? What will be the cost of_ my _freedom, if I ever manage to achieve it?_ She sighed and looked at the justicar. "So what will you do now?" she asked. "Do you ever think of settling down?"

"I have tried it," Samara replied. "It did not end well." She turned to the viewport. "I will fight and struggle all my life. That is my fate. When I die, it will not be in bed. I'm at peace with that."

"Your _fate_ is not set in stone, Samara."

"I am a justicar, and justice still exists," said the asari. "My feelings have always come after my duty. The same is true of you."

"It is," Shepard agreed. _It has to be._

"This is the path I have chosen. I am truly at peace. Due in no small part to you." Samara stood up. "You have been a good friend to me," she said. "After we part ways, you may call upon me for aid at any time. I will come for you, Shepard."

"That means a lot to me," Shepard said, getting up off the deck. "Thank you."

* * *

After leaving Samara, Shepard stopped by the port observation, and was greeted by Kasumi's wide grin.

 _Shit._ "Hey Kasumi."

"Hey Shep," said the thief. "You look somehow different today. Did you change your hair?"

"I'm just here to hear about your plans, Kasumi."

"Oh, for the next twenty minutes, my plan is to torture you by suggesting things that may or may not be relevant to your nighttime activities."

"Has it ever occurred to you that when I'm not talking about something, it might be because I don't want to talk about it?"

"It has," Kasumi said. "I chose to ignore it." She slightly pulled back the hood of her top to reveal her short black hair. "Fine, I'll drop it; just don't give me that look."

"We'll dock at Illium after this mission before we move on to the Citadel," said Shepard. "What do you want to do?"

"I can a get a ride to anywhere from the Citadel, if you don't mind me tagging along for a little longer," she replied. "And there are some places I've been dying to visit," she added with a glint in her eye.

"Just… Don't give me the details."

"I won't," said the thief. "But I wouldn't mind if _you_ did."

"Fine, let's talk about some other details then," Shepard said, crossing her arms across her chest. "Did you really destroy the graybox?"

Kasumi's smile vanished as she walked to her desk, staring at the single red rose on it. "I guess you wouldn't be able to command if you didn't know how to be cruel," she said.

Shepard rubbed her left palm with her thumb and sighed. "Even if you didn't, I know you'll keep it safe," she said. "The decision had always been yours to make Kasumi. I didn't mean to be cruel. It was just a stupid reflex."

Kasumi turned around, grinning. "Oh, you're so easy," she said flippantly, putting her hood back over her head.

"Yeah," said Shepard with an unconvinced smile. "You got me." She walked to the door. "By the way, how the hell do you _know_?"

"EDI," the thief said.

"EDI? Oh for fuck's sake. Even our AI is a gossip."

"It was not my intention to 'blab' as Jeff puts it, Shepard," EDI said. "I was only helping with the headcount."

"Of course you were," Shepard said, shaking her head. "Ok then, I'll see you later Kasumi."

"So was it a one-time thing?" Kasumi asked as she was leaving. "Fine, don't tell me. I'll just ask EDI later."

* * *

"Commander. Come on in," said Miranda, getting up from behind her desk. She turned off the datapad and walked to Shepard, who'd just entered the quarters. "The components have been delivered to the hangar bay. The crew is already on it."

"That was fast," Shepard said, sitting down. "Thanks Miranda. Efficient as always."

"The crew, with the exception of me and Kelly as you already know, would like turn themselves in to the Alliance alongside you," Miranda said and sat next to her on the sofa.

"Everybody?" asked Shepard.

"Are you surprised, commander?" Miranda said. " _I'm_ not."

"It's their choice," said the commander with a smile. "I won't insult them by questioning it." She tapped on the armrest. "How's Kelly?" she asked.

"She's resting in the med-bay," the XO replied. "Dr. Chakwas gave her some sedatives to help her sleep."

"I see," murmured the commander. The yeoman had been trying to put on a brave face, but Shepard had recognized her PTSD even though the signs had been subtle. "How about you?" she asked Miranda. "Will you be safe?"

"I can take care of myself Shepard, you know that," Miranda said. "But," she continued, bringing her hands to her chin, "I'm worried about Oriana. We've relocated her using Cerberus resources. I need to make sure she'll be all right. I can't let her get caught up in this."

"Anything I can do?" Shepard asked.

"I'll handle it," Miranda said in a flat tone. Then she closed her eyes, inhaled, and turned to Shepard. "But thank you, commander."

* * *

Shepard entered her cabin, fatigued from all the talking. She picked up a glass and poured some cheap whisky before she walked to her console, realizing she was already looking forward to a new fight.

 _Can we really do this?_ she thought _,_ missing her pilot's body close to hers. _Could this be enough? Or can we change?_ She emptied the glass, put it on the table and activated the comm. _Too early to think about that._

A scarred, intimidating face appeared on the display.

"Shepard!" Wrex roared.

"Wrex!" she greeted him happily. "You missed a hell of a battle my friend. If you keep sitting on that throne of yours you'll go soft real soon."

"Get your ass here and say that again once you're chewing the gravel before my throne," Wrex said. "How's the whelp?"

"Full of youthful enthusiasm and liquor. He's fine. But do watch him closely, because Urdnot Grunt will make a name for himself," said Shepard, the boastful krant. "I'll be sending him back to you." She paused. "A lot has happened. He can tell you all about it when he arrives."

"Good. I've heard a lot of crazy stuff already," the krogan said.

"Yeah?" asked the commander. "I bet most of it is true."

Wrex laughed, then turned serious. "Anything else I need to know Shepard?"

Shepard put her hands on the sides of the terminal and leaned forward. "Nothing's changed Wrex," she said. "They're coming. Just be prepared."

"I'm not one of your useless councilors," said Wrex. "The krogan are strong, and I'm working on making us even stronger."

"Good," said Shepard. "That's good." She lifted her head and smiled. "Looking forward to fighting with you by my side again, Wrex."

"Just like old times," said the krogan.

"Just like old times," Shepard repeated. "Shepard out." She deactivated the console and watched the fish for a while, her eyes following a dark blue one with a tail like a fan. A sudden panic seized her, cutting her breath short.

 _We're not ready for them._

"Shepard," EDI said, getting the commander out of her head. "Jack has informed me that she would like to speak to you. She's in the starboard cargo."

"Thanks EDI. Tell her I'm on my way."


End file.
